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A young Damaso Marte worked for his father, Ojos De Serpiente, a world renown gambler, in the Colón district of the Dominican Republic. As he polished his father’s trick die, Damaso would dream of one day closing for his favorite team, the Pittsburgh Pirates. He told reporters recently, “I’d sleep with John Candelaria’s baseball card under my pillow. I would pluck my mustache so it would look thin like his. Every night I would make three pupusas for family, then I’d make an extra one for John Candelaria. I love John Candelaria.” So when you’re thinking about how great it would be for Marte to be traded from the Pirates, don’t forget these are real people with real emotions. With that said, Marte should be on the first train out of Steel City.  Everyone’s talking about Fuentes leaving the Rox, but Marte should be traded. The Pirates have shit their house for almost fifteen years. As the great Lawrence Taylor once said, “My life is in the toilet and no one’s flushing.” The same can be said of the Pirates. They need to get something for their current closer. I think John Grabow takes over for Marte, instead of Tyler Yates, even if Grabow is a lefty. Marte’s also a lefty, so whatevs. Anyway, here’s some more fantasy baseball players to Buy and Sell:

BUY

Dan Wheeler/Grant Balfour – You could be reading this today or you could be reading this in a month and this will still hold true, Percival just hurt himself. And again. And there goes the hip. (Actually, I could see the Rays getting Street. You heard it here first. Unless you’re reading this after you heard it.)

Leo Nunez – Baby Got Back! (Not as in possesses a large ass, but rather “Got Back” as in has returned.)

Santiago Casilla – Could be the closer by August. Aw, sookie, that’s soon.

Francisco Liriano – I know I told you about a month ago that Liriano would be called up any day now. Well, technically it still is any day now. In Liriano’s past five starts, he’s K’d 42 in 35 IP and has a .26 ERA. Liriano’s agent, Sammy Glick, is not happy and thinks the Twins are stalling to avoid paying Liriano. Judge Joe Brown, we’ve got a grievance!

Gio Gonzalez – You don’t need to rotate Scott Rolen in for a short schedule day that bad. Just hold Gonzalez for now and chillax.

Juan Pierre – If you need steals, he’s about to return. I’d write more but I’m currently singing, “I kissed a girl and I liked it…” I can’t get this stupid song out of my head. I hope it’s now stuck in your head, sucka! It felt so wrong… It felt so right… I feel like this is the new, “I Touch Myself” by the Divinyls. That is by no means an endorsement. Note to self: I gotta stop dating girls that chew Bubble Yum and have never heard of Sublime.

Fausto Carmona – Actually, I just picked him up in a ten team league. He shouldn’t be on waivers anywhere and if he is, you’re a fat-cist.

Chris Young – Back from a long DL-stint after taking a Pujols liner off his noggin. Word in the Gas Lamp is Young should start next week for the Padres. As with any Padres pitcher, at Petco they will look like Warren Spahn. On a side note, I wonder if Young wakes up sweaty in the middle of the night yelling Pujols and his girlfriend says, “I’m not in the mood.”

Casey Kotchman – Maybe it’s because his name sounds like Crotchman. Maybe it’s the way he was laid up with mono for a one and a half years. Maybe I just have a thing for Caseys. In deep leagues, I’m buying.

Chase Utley – Could people be down on Utes because he hasn’t done much in the last month and a half? Well, sell them Dustin Pedroia and Dook-sheer and get Utley. Recognize!

Adam Wainwright – A source says that Wainwright might return as the closer. The source? Some guy that goes by BigFatHippo. That’s about as credible as it gets. I wouldn’t have wrote about it, if it didn’t make so much sense. Wainwright’s been on the shelf for a while now. He should be able to get up to speed to be a closer a lot quicker than to start games. He has closed well before. The Cards need a closer. LaRussa’s certifiably crazy. It adds up to me. BigFatHippo + unsubstaniated rumor = Wainwright returns as the closer.

SELL

Huston Street – Beane may be a brilliant baseball mind, but I almost got a 1000 on my SATs. So, Beane, if you’re reading, trade Street. There’s no benefit to keep him around, as they say in the mafia. (Bee tee dubya, Street may end up the closer on his new team, as well. So don’t sell him super low.)

Erik Bedard – You, with the hair on your head, Bedard’s not coming back and if he does, what do you get? Four starts? Feh!

Roy Oswalt – He returns from the DL next week. If you got any juice in that coconut of yours, you’ll trade him quick-fast. This year, he wasn’t that good when he was healthy. It’s a lost year for R.O. Let it go. Don’t make me call a T.O.

Shaun Marcum – Was putting together a season to rival just about any starters’, then returned looking like Sandy Duncan’s left eye.

Yunel Escobar – He’s 6/2. That’s not his height. He has six home runs (yes, that’s the same as Alexis Rios) and 2 steals. Some players who have been as valuable this year, Ray Durham, Mark Ellis and Akinori Iwamura. Yu-smell.

  1. My goddamn RP’s are killing me!!

    At this point is Ryan Franklin even worth keeping?

    I hope he departs from the Cardinals in the same fashion as Josh Hancock and Darryl Kile.

  2. Anon says:
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    Gio Gonzalez isn’t that special.

  3. jph says:
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    Hold on to Glaus or dump for Encarnacion?

    Hold onto Rauch and hope Lyon blows a few more or dump to pickup Marte/Marmol/Casilla?

    Lastly, no dice on Ankiel for Funtes–drop him and pickup Gio Gonzalez?

  4. Denys says:
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    The taste of her cherry chapstick…

  5. Shogun says:
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    Never having heard of Sublime is a deal breaker. Where was she from, Orange County?

  6. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @J-Bone: I gotta think Franklin’s going to pushed by Izzy or Kyle McClellan now. Kyle McClellan is worth a speculative grab, for sure.

    @jph: Encarnacion. I’d pick up Marmol.

    No, hold Ankiel. Maybe move someone else. Who else do you have in Utility or OF?

    @Denys: Ugh.

    @Shogun: She’s a Masshole.

  7. jph says:
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    @Grey: OF McLouth,Hart, Markakis. UTIL D. Lee. RP Rauch,Hanrahan SP Floyd,Jurrjens,DiceK,Danks,Garza,Mussina,Nolasco,Liriano

    Don’t really need Gio but Nolasco/Garza/Mussina make me feel like White Boy thinking he is going to get sent home in every episode.

  8. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @jph: Eh, on Nolasco. You can hold him for now, but I wouldn’t start him in his next start. And depending on how that goes, I may not start him after that either.

    I loved when Chance was refusing to kiss Mr. Boston then Mr. Boston is like, “I told you we should’ve drank that vodka.” Like that would’ve made a difference. Then Heat gets totally punked out by The Entertainer. This show has serious potential to be classic.

  9. Joe says:
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    Would anyone agree CC is likely a sell high now?

    As his IP pile up and given how dominant he’s been, he’s sure to fall off somewhat, and his value is sky-high right now.

  10. jph says:
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    @Grey: Preview for next week looks phenomenal with Boston pouring his heart out to 12-Pack.

    Don’t know if you have seen the teaser for RW/RR The Island-looks epic.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNiLU-lg0Kc

  11. RT says:
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    Yahoo Question:
    Has anyone ever experienced Yahoo not recording stats for one whole days worth of games? None of our league stats from yesterday registered.

  12. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Joe: There’s a chance he might have a fall-off but he could also be as good as any other starter if not better. Remember, he was terrific in ’07′s September.

    @jph: I cannot wait for the RW/RR, the only thing that sucks, unless I missed something, I didn’t see CT there.

    @RT: Nope, but one of my league’s last year lost two weeks of stats in ESPN. That’s why Rudy and I are using Yahoo this year.

  13. Baron Von Vulturewins says:
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    @Joe: He pitched a billion innings last year too, with little late-season drop-off.

    I don’t think there’s any reason to sell him — and even if you get some offensive powerhouse, who can say what players will be scorching over the last two months of the season? I’d rather stick with CC.

  14. Chase says:
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    Just traded Nolasco and Morrow for Billingsley. I just picked up Nolasco off FA and Morrow will soon become ineffective in a non Hold league. Only 8 teams. Whatcha think?

  15. jph says:
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    @Grey: Totally agree. Cast looks weak judging from that clip. I also like to have Brad and Evan onboard, even though I think Evan is a chump. Would be funny to see Eric die, again.

    What I really want is to see some throwback characters like Eric Nies, Theo or perhaps even Pedro’s partner–he would be especially good in an event like Pole Push.

  16. wakeNbake says:
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    Nolasco and Clay Buchholz for Cain? Id be getting Cain.

  17. Frank Rizzo says:
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    As mentioned earlier by RT….the Yahoo stats from Thursday didn’t take. I was assuming it would be realized and fixed by Yahoo at some point today. Their server would crash with all the email complaints if they don’t do anything I’d think.

  18. Zebo says:
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    @Grey: start Big Sissy Ortiz today vs. Yanks?

  19. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @jph: Eric Nies looked freakish at the Real World Award bash.

    @wakeNbake: I’d want Cain.

    @Frank Rizzo: There goes my Big Z start. FCUK!

    @Zebo: If Ortiz starts today, you should start him.

  20. Zebo says:
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    @Grey: trade Brandon Phillips for Jake Peavy?

  21. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Zebo: It’s very close, depends on your need. I’d prefer to never trade for a starter, but sometimes you have to.

  22. Zebo says:
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    @Grey: i have a logjam at 2B with Phillips and Cano. Plus I have Chris Davis and Edwin E sitting on my bench. I don’t like so many bench hitters. Is that a good reason to trade?

  23. It is a good idea to drop Bourn for Pierre, who’s on waivers, in a head to head league right? Bourn is something like 9 for 15 in SBs over the past 2 months. I was only ever inserting him into the line-up if it was late in the week and I was chasing steals (also have Crawford, Kemp, McLouth). I know Pierre won’t be gold when he comes back, but the league also counts BB and Ks as categories and I know he at least won’t hurt me with the latter.

  24. Joe says:
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    I really hope Yahoo don’t get anything sorted for yesterday’s stats. I started Garza.

  25. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Zebo: Trading Phillips for Peavy is a solid move. If you need a starter, you can’t do much better.

    @VanHammersly: Sure, that move makes sense.

    @Joe: In some of my leagues, I agree with you. Let’s pretend Garza never had that start.

  26. Nick says:
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    Who do I bench today with all OF’s & Util’s having great 5star matchups???
    I have Lee, Quentin, Dye, Burrell & Delgado…I have to bench 1…and I’m benching Markakis because he is horrible against Saunders.

    Also I’m trying to trade Marcum but don’t know if that is going to be feasible in an 8-team league. Recently my team has been surging and I finally moved up to 5th place so I most definetly will not be starting him anytime soon with the huge pitching roster I have.

  27. Joe says:
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    Grey, would you drop Kaz Matsui to pick up Grabow? I’m starting Alexei Ramirez at 2B. Or what about Embree, do you think Street gets traded and who takes his place?

  28. Denys says:
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    Saw an interesting trade today: A. Gonzo (1B – SD) & D. Lowe for P. Konerko & D. Haren.

    Which side would you kids want to be on?

  29. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Nick: Don’t think it matters but I have no idea which Lee you’re referring to. I’d bench Burrell.

    @Joe: Sure, I’d drop Kaz for Grabow and if Marte isn’t traded drop Grabow next week. No harm, no foul. Embree’s a possibility, but I think Casilla gets first look.

    @Denys: Gonzo.

  30. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Denys: BTW, I almost said the other side. It’s very close.

  31. Denys says:
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    @Grey: yeah that’s what I was thinking, I think it all depends on who needed what (Pitching vs. Hitting).

    But if both sides are even in needs I’d swing for the Gonzo side too.

  32. p0rk burn says:
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    @Chase: Good work.

  33. Steve says:
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    @Grey & Joe: Drop Kelly J for Ian Stewart or Alexeieieeiei Ramirez? (Steve’s boring 2B question of the day #27)

  34. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Steve: Ramirez, Grey’s boring answer to Steve’s boring question.

  35. Denys says:
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    @Grey: Boooo. Stewart! His past week was out of this world!

  36. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Steve: @Denys: That’s fair, but the Rockies start a long road trip today. You can try the hot rookie instead if you’d like.

  37. Steve says:
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    @Grey: KJ and I are just about done with each other so it feels like either would be an improvement (maybe it’s cos the guy has a girl’s name). Harder to trust the Rockie Rookie on the road I guess.

  38. Joe says:
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    @Steve: Funnily enough, a guy in my league offered me KJ for Alexei Ramirez today. I declined, you should make the same decision. I like Stewart a little more for power, but i figure Alexei hits for a better AVG and chips in with some steals as well. He’s solid in every category.

  39. BigFatHippo says:
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    @Grey

    Funny shit today, Grey. Who are you dating, Miley Cyrus?

    “This ain’t no funky reggae party, 5 dollars at the door”

  40. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @BigFatHippo: Yeah, I don’t even like Sublime, but I can’t believe she never heard of them.

  41. wakeNbake says:
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    MARTE TRADED*********

  42. Baron Von Vulturewins says:
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    @Grey: First Rauch, now Marte. You post it, they do it.

    STOP JINXING MY CLOSERS*, YOU HAIR-LIPPED BASTARD.

    *former

  43. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Baron Von Vulturewins: Casey Kotchman hit a HR today. Let’s not forget the big April he had. Maybe he has a big August.

  44. Baron Von Vulturewins says:
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    @Grey: TOO LATE!!!! By, like, 15 mins. My bad for not handcuffing Grabow to Marte… though wasn’t it supposed to be Yates a week ago?

    Stupid Pirates, don’t get no saves anyhow.

    I dropped Marte to pick up Jim “There is no K in Johnson” Johnson of Balty-more. Any other prospective next-in-liners I/we should be thinking about? The usual suspects in my Regular League are long gone: TBuccholz, Corpas, Hanrahan, even Tyler Yates.

    Still available: Kyle McClellan.

    Do you like him better than Johnson? Or Zumaya? I picked up Zoom-Zoom a few weeks back when I traded Torres.

    Perhaps some sort of bullpen merry-go-round update post is in order, pretty please…. you know I love the ‘stache….

  45. Nick says:
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    Tomorrow I have Baker & Carmona (still on DL on my roster)…Who would you start, both?

    If so, I have to drop someone to make room for him. Do you drop Marcum? I think that is my only option and I have to do it quick because if I don’t drop him tonight I won’t get Carmona in tomorrow.

  46. BigFatHippo says:
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    Man I love Razzball.

    Grabbed Grabow, dropped Franklin. While nobody suspects a thing.

    thanks wake n bake, Grey

  47. BigFatHippo says:
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    @Grey

    Bite your toungue man. I happen to love me some Sublime.

    Me and the LittleNarrowHippos crank it every time I pick them up for the weekend.

    Could be worse, they could make me listen to The Wiggles.

  48. knighttown says:
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    From the Seattle Times, it looks like the M’s are going to send Brandon Morrow down to AAA to “stretch him out” ala Joba, so he can start in the future. I dropped him for Grabow today.

  49. wakeNbake says:
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    got offered O-Cab and Joba for Crawford? what side you like?

  50. Zebo says:
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    @Grey: is Filthy Sanchez entering an adjustment period? He was awful tonight, walking Freaking Dan Haren, he has blown up in his last 4 starts, never going more than 5 IP. Should I bench him indefinitely until he shows some life, or should I drop him to clear some room for Ortiz?

  51. Steve says:
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    Will Nady be a regular with the Yanks? If so, worth an add?

  52. Zebo says:
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    @Grey: is Verlander a safe start against the white Sox in Detroit tomorrow? White Sox and particularly my Thome has owned him in his life. I am starting Thome by the way. By the way, I am glad I started Laroche instead of Ortiz (more due to neglect than any sort of intelligence) as Adam had 2 homers. But do you start Ortiz against LHP Petitte? I have Laroche at 1B, and Cano and Thome at Util.

  53. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Steve: Eh, I wouldn’t trust him in NY. I suppose if you’re not dropping anyone too valuable it can’t hurt.

    @Zebo: I start Verlander and Ortiz.

  54. Zebo says:
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    @Grey: should i bench Laroche, Thome or Cano?

  55. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Zebo: All of those guys have had success against the pitcher tomorrow, except LaRcohe, who’s just never faced Banks, but LaRoche is hot… Hmm…. Ah… Sit LaRoche.

  56. Steve says:
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    @Grey: Would only be Lind. Or do you like him better? BTW dropped J Rivera for Lind and JR sonavabenched me as payback.

  57. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Steve: I still like Rivera, why was he dropped? Eh, I like Nady better than Lind.

    *****Take followups in the newest post. Hater Bell won’t mind.

  58. Denys says:
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    @Grey: Damn humidifiers…

  59. Nick says:
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    Do you start Carmona & Baker today? Against eachother…

  60. Grey

    Grey says:
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    @Nick: I’d start them both.

    ********Take followups in the newest post. Hater Bell won’t mind.

  61. wakeNbake says:
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    Who do you think gets the closer gig for Oakland if Street is traded? Devine is on his way and I heard Oakland would give him the job if healthy.

  62. Chase says:
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    I have Dunn, but I have more than enough power on my team. I’m looking to deal for a SP. I have been offered Haren for him. Could I do better? If I threw a relief pitcher in or something? Or am i just being greedy?

  63. Chase says:
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    @Grey: It’s been Dunn.

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