Yesterday, Luis Garcia went 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.94. Officially, Luis Garcia #1 is outpacing Luis Garcia #2 and Luis Garcia #3 by a lot. Step up your game, Luis Garcias! If I had a couple billion dollars, I’d buy a MLB team and fill the whole team with Luis Garcias. A Luis Garcia at each position. “Luis winds up and–a hot smash to third! Luis Garcia snags it, and goes to Luis Garcia at 2nd and onto Luis Garcia at first. Double play complete!” Name that team the Garcias and get LG to sponsor us. Prolly shouldn’t be putting this out there because Elon Musk is going to steal this idea.

“No more Tesla for you, Mr. Musk?”
“Sadly, this is my last day. On the bright side, I’ve got an idea to start a Luis Garcia-filled baseball team.”

Sigh, until I have that money in hand, I’m gonna have to look at Luis Garcia for fantasy baseball. This Luis Garcia’s peripherals are 9.9 K/9,2.4 BB/9, 3.55 xFIP, and his fastball velocity is up. Last time I looked at him, his stats weren’t as good, but they’ve clearly bounced back recently. His career ERA is 3.44 in 196 1/3 IP with a 9.4 K/9. Only time that’s putting me to sleep is during his rock-a-bye pitching windup. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Yordan Alvarez – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer, hitting .271. A single raindrop on the car window rolls down, from the outside it looks like a tear on my eye. The inference would make sense, because I’m driving in a car that has a life-size inflatable of Franmil Reyes. Took a screenshot of Captain Woo Cubano’s 9th and 10th homers, and shipped them via email to Franmil with the subject heading: Do This Please. I hope he gets it and opens it. If not I will send a virus. Thinking Legionnaire’s.

Jeremy Pena – 3-for-3, 1 run, but left with knee discomfort. He can’t be hurt, I won’t allow it. Not until Tatis returns, at least. I need a prayer triangle, immediately.

Kyle Tucker – 1-for-3, 1 run, and his 8th steal, and he also homered (5) earlier in the day, but that game was Wednesday’s suspended game continuation, so no official slam and legs. I know, I know! Very disappointing. How can I make it up to you? You being Kyle Tucker, not you you.

Josh Winder – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.45. There were zero good pitchers yesterday. As Fonzie’s horse would say, NAY! There was one good pitcher we thought was going, Winder, but it turned out there was zero. So, I still like Winder — but you barely know her! — this was not a good-looking start to put it pretty plainly. His peripherals still look decent, or styll as my autocorrect wanted to write. Go home, autocorrect, you’re drunk!

Lucas Sims – Hit the IL with back spasms. More like Lucas Spasms! High five the crap out of me! Right now! No? Okay. Warren will hold court in the (1953-196)9th. I didn’t rush out to grab Warren anywhere, because I don’t want an ulcer. But if your gastric system is sturdier than some half-Jew from Jersey, then go for it. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy, because he’s here now.

Tyler Stephenson – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. I keep saying he’s going to surprise the world by being the 2nd best fantasy catcher this year behind only Sal P., but Sal P. is gonna get a run for his money at number one.

Connor Overton – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 1 K, ERA at 1.59. Keep facing the Pirates and I can understand why the Overton window keeps moving.

JT Brubaker – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.34. Free him up to be an ace on another team. It’s only fair.

Steven Matz – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.40, as he was bumped up in the rotation. Bumping up Steven Matz a day reminded me to order cyanide pills, then I realized it was so he could face the O’s instead of the Giants, and I went to move him into my lineup, but realized I benched him already in weekly leagues, so I was once again reaching for the cyanide pills after he pitched decently. A story in three parts.

Dylan Carlson – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Due to Tyler O’Neill and Dylan Carlson’s Statcast, you wouldn’t have to get me very drunk to convince me they’ve been playing in a wind tunnel and the wind is pointed directly at them at the plate. Carlson’s average exit velocity would be the slow lane on a country road. Beep, beep, Whit Merrifield is passing on the left.

Jorge Mateo – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Did a gut check on the Player Rater to see how well (or bad) Mateo has been this year, and he’s around the 12th best shortstop, so decent. He’s about as valuable as Bo Bichette. Kill me now.

Anthony Bemboom – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .140. Oh, no wonder Adley Rutschman’s still in the minors. They have Anthony Bemboom. His last name sounds like someone talking to their mechanic. “It was driving fine, and Bemboom.”

Beau Brieske – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.86. On MLB’s Thursday getaway day, they made up some names to see if anyone would notice. Beau Brieske was the point where Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate) said, “Nuh-uh, that’s a made-up name.” Firstly, all Beaus are either Bridges or golden retrievers. Was Beau Brieske in The Fabulous Baker Boys? No? Okay, is he a dog? No? Okay, he doesn’t exist then.

Michael Fulmer – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.70. It was a super short schedule day, so allow me to check in on Fulmer, and say that I see some teams in the comments carrying him, and I don’t understand why. The Tigers are worse than the A’s. Soto is their crappy closer. What are you trying to do with Fulmer?

James Kaprielian – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.97. Tigers and A’s are the Spiderman pointing at each meme of two crizzappy teams. Streamonator hates Kaprielian’s next start, and I don’t think he’s in a position to ever be streamed, outside of desperate situations.

Bryce Harper – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Before the game, he was diagnosed with a tear in his UCL. Oh, yeah, this is going to end well. Totally gonna be fine. Like the West Coast rap stations in the late 90s, no biggie! He still homered, but I do not feel good about this.

Johan Camargo – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I take no pleasure for saying this because I have Stott, but I’d play Camargo over him too.

Zack Wheeler – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.26. Feels like a few starts now where it’s: Yes, he’s coming out of it. Then it becomes: No, he’s not.

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer. On one hand, he’s on pace for only 25 homers. On the other hand, I wish Matt Olson were only on pace for 25 homers. On a third hand that is a mitten on a mop handle, Cody Bellinger doesn’t even walk anymore. He’s lost literally every aspect of his 2019 game.

Tyler Anderson – 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.40. That one was for the people who thought he was good. Keeping you honest!

Luis Gil – 4 IP, 4 ER, as he was recalled for a spot start from Scranton/Jamaal Wilkes-Barre. Unrelated, but I can’t believe Clay Holmes didn’t get this win.

Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. Y’all laughed when I dressed up as a barbell and sat on his front porch with card saying, “From Judgey.” Who’s laughing now that I’m inside his house?

Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 11th homer. Guys who can hit the ball 475 feet? Yeah, they can hit a dead ball out for a homer still.

Josh Donaldson – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .224. Only took Donaldson about a month to put it behind him his anger of helping a team win that includes Gerrit Cole.

Dylan Cease – 4 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.55. Yeah, but how about that xFIP?!

Yoan Moncada – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Yoaner goner! Does that rhyme? Hmm, I like rhymes. Let me try again in the next blurb.

Jon Heasley – 3 1/3 IP, 1 ER, as he was recalled from Triple-A. Jon Heasley? I thought I read about you but it was Ron Weasley.

Taylor Hearn – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.26. Funny (not haha), I keep seeing Hearn as a guy I’m interested in, then I see his ERA, and, while ERA isn’t everything, really rains on the ol’ parade. Plus, I already have a Naylor Ham, no room for a Taylor Hearn.

Brad Miller – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s absolutely a hot schmotato, and that should last for about 3-5 days. Like clockwork. A clock that has a day and homer hand.

Robinson Cano – Supposedly signing with the Padres. If you sign Cano, you do it for one reason: To trade him to Seattle for Jarred Kelenic. I want Cano to get to 3,000 hits (needs 368) just so we can have some Hall of Fame handwringing. Sadly, he’s prolly gonna fall about 360 hits short, as it shouldn’t take the Padres more than three weeks to realize Cano should be retired.

Taijuan Walker – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.00. Never realized what a Mack Truck Taijuan was, but on a play at third where he was covering, he laid out Juan Soto like Walker was a brick wall (and nearly gave me a heart attack). Streamonator hates his next start, and I don’t trust Taijuan Brickhouse at all.

Mark Canha – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .313, and has been taking fielding practice at 1st base. Wouldn’t be surprised to see the Mets DFA Dom Smith. Shame, because he’s sitting on zero homers, but I just know he can lead the majors in homers.

Juan Soto – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and he just missed another homer yesterday for a double dong day at the park. A’la Top Gun, “Sexy Dr. Pepper, I’ll be your soda fountain man any time.”

Joan Adon – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 7.03. Not a great pitcher, but Joan Adon did more for feminist beat poetry than anyone.