Hold me! Clap, clap! Love me! Clap, clap! Eight days a week, he will Pronk you! Hrm, I just turned an awesome Beatles tune into something sordid sounding. Sorry for the ending to that sentence, lispers, and welcome to your weekly addition of the Creeper series. Why is it called the creeper series, you ask? I honestly don’t know, I didn’t make it up. Grey just said “hey, you wanna rub my feet and feed me grapes while listening to Paula Cole on my iPod?” and when I said the obligatory “no,” he said there’s something else I could do to help him. In a statement made in the pursuit of honesty and integrity, picking Travis Hafner feels a little underhanded. As of this typing, he’s 24.8% owned in ESPN leagues and 35% owned in yahoo leagues. But he’s not owned in one of my RCLs so I felt justified. Yes, I have more than one RCL. Don’t judge me. But more to the point, the ownership of Pronk might be higher than it currently should be. As of Saturday morning, Hafner is just 8/34 with only 1 HR over his last 14. So why am I suggesting him, you ask? Well that’s what paragraph two is for, silly! With that, let’s see why you should visit the Pronktologist during week 7 of the 2013 fantasy baseball season…
Let’s take a look at why Travis has a solid set up. Firstly, I didn’t just make a Beatles reference for fun there. The Yankees have a doubleheader on Monday in Cleveland. Then they head back home for 6 against the Mariners and Blue Jays. If you count all those up – it’ll require both hands so refrain from typing that comment until you’re done – you get 8 games, and overall the setup for Travis looks pretty decent for the week. Firstly, quick question for the room. What’s better after breaking up with your SO: taking your new hot date out for a romantic dinner and having a great time or doing the same said date because you knew it was where your said Ex works and it’s their night to serve that section of the restaurant. First, we know the answer is the latter and secondly yes, you are a horrible person. But it’s ok, we’ll let it slide. But I bring this weird analogy to your attention because Travis only has 2 HRs on the road so far this year. One at Rogers Centre (where everyone hits HRs) and one at Progressive Field where he’s 2/7 on the season. Yeah, small numbers but you gotta think he wants to show his former team he’s still got it just a little bit, yah know? After that, Hafner’s home schedule gets bumpier than a December wet t-shirt contest in Minnesota (both Felix and Iwakuma are slated to start for the Mariners) but the key thing is he’s at home which is where Travis puts the butter to the bread. On the year, Hafner is hitting .300 at home with 4 HRs and a .620 slugging percentage. Oh, and that bad Toronto pitching crew is in town to round out the week. I’m thinking Travis gets at least 2 HRs this week and still gives you a decent average while letting you change your team name to the Pronks Bombers. Which would’ve been cool back in 2005 but hey, you’re a tax accountant and your humor is limited. We understand. Now sing it with me! Pronk you every day, girl, always on my mind/One thing I can say, girl, Pronk you all the time! Ok, now that we’ve proven how indecent it is to substitute ‘Pronk’ for ‘love’ in a song, it’s your sworn duty to do it with other songs in the comments. Because I really don’t know how to end this piece now, I’m just gonna remove my hands from the keyboard and walk away. Bye!
