As we always do about this time! *beat drops, Grey does the worm, Grey’s iPhone alarm goes off, time to put more money in the meter* Damn, how long was I worming for? September 1st hits and teams expand their rosters to the Four-Oh. Now pour some extra bullpen guys out for all the dead moments between pitcher changes. So, what does this mean for all of us, fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!)? It means call-ups and rookie nookie is aplenty. Aplenty, I tell ya! By the by, for big boned people, rather than an X-Large t-shirt, they should call them aplen-Tees. Yeah, I just made the English language better. High-five yourself for even knowing to read me. *Grey worms, alarm goes off* Damn, I need to get more coins. At this point in the year, you need guys that are getting everyday playing time, so I’m pumped up the jam on rookie nookie, but if a guy isn’t playing every day, he’s as good as dirt in redraft leagues, and I don’t have a Soil category, do you? It’s a most exciting time to be alive and be fantasy balling, but don’t lose sight of the real goal here: to get quality at-bats from guys that are playing, not to pick up a guy that will be great in 2017. (Unless you’re in a keeper league; then, by all means, knock yourself out! Not literally! Ouch.) Which bring us to Yoan Mocada. Red Sox manager, John Farrell, says Moncada’s promotion is eminent. They have a bobblehead giveaway planned, a kid’s jersey giveaway, a ‘Yoan yawn coverer’ which is really just a foam hand, a–*intern whispers in my ear* Seems I was misusing ‘promotion.’ I already gave you my Yoan Moncada fantasy. He’ll be up on Friday. He should be owned everywhere and will play 3rd base. No Gas Face there. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. You know the interlude on the song, Mentirosa, when Mellow Man Ace says, “I bet you go to church and you’re scared to confess?” (Just say you do.) That’s how I feel with JBJ. I’m scared to confess I’ve been thinking about dropping him for about a week straight, but every time I go to, I don’t find anyone more appealing or Bradley does something.
Hanley Ramirez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .281. Oh boy, someone’s heating up. Beware the Han-Ram.
Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, hitting .306. Was hitting .260 going into yesterday’s game in the 2nd half. That’s the problem with Bogaerts. If he slumps on average, most of his fantasy value plummets and he becomes Asdrubal.
Drew Smyly – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.94 vs. Steven Wright – 4 IP, 4 ER. This matchup of Steven Wright/Smyly was billed as the opener at Nick’s Comedy Stop for Denis Leary, who is working on some material he stole from Louis C.K.
Logan Forsythe – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .273. Logan has always been a thorn in Boston’s side. Enough with the fahkin rotaries!
Logan Morrison – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer. Again, with the fahkin’ Logan, what is this, Big Dig, Paht Two?
Jose De Leon – Can’t possibly stay in the minors for the entire month of September, because there is no minors any longer. If there was, maybe the Dodgers would leave him there and continue to throw Ross Stripling, because the Dodgers are stupid and this is Exhibit A thru Z backing that up.
Rich Hill – Scratched with the recurring blister. You know the blister, it was played by Tony Todd in Blister Finger, Blister Finger II: The Return of Blister Finger and Blister Finger III: Shame On A Finger.
Andrew Toles – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Doing a pretty good Puig impersonation. I will call him Oink.
Tyler Anderson – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.43. As they say in Tennessee, well, they say it in Texas, so maybe they say it in Tennessee, fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, and why do you keep fooling me?! The one time I got real jazzed about Anderson, he turned in a dud the following start. That was about his only dud all year. He doesn’t even do little doodies that could be confused with Milk Duds!
David Dahl – 4-for-9, 3 runs and two steals (4, 5) , hitting .333. As Dahl would say, “If you want to view paradise, simply look at my stats and view them.”
Stephen Cardullo – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and a homer on both sides of the doubleheader for the Ernie Banks Special. Cardullo is a real-life Movie of the Week for Spike only he’d be played by Dax Shepard. He’s 29 and, before this year, he last played minor league baseball in 2011, at Rookie ball, then left the minors to play Independent Ball, where he was likely playing with Gary Hogeboom, John Rocker and other ex-contestants from Survivor. In Triple-A, this year, he hit 17 homers and .308. Might be a feel-good story for a few weeks, but the Rox look hesitant to hit him against righties.
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-7, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 36th homer. *folds giant piece of paper into airplane, sits on paper airplane* Okay, just wait for it…
Adam Ottavino – 1 IP, 5 ER, and his 4th blown save, ERA at 2.75. That ‘vino is leaving his owners with whine.
Shelby Miller – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 6.81. He was so miserable the first half of the year, he’d have to be good through September and next April before I even considered him.
Matt Moore – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.16 on the Giants (3.88 overall). Might’ve had a bit of a “I threw 133 pitches last time out” hangover in this game. Either way, as the Stream-o-Nator says I wouldn’t touch him for his next one.
Joe Panik – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting near-.400 in the last week. I told you the other day he was a hot schmotato. Today, I’m saying, y’all slow to pick up players.
Kendrys Morales – 1-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. You know what time it is. Look at you, thinking on your own, you’re Grey 2.0.
Eric Hosmer – 1-for-6, 2 runs and his 19th homer. The faintest of fog on the mirror under his nose.
Luis Cessa – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.17. You wouldn’t even know who he was if he didn’t pitch for the Yankees. Don’t lie. Not a good look.
Starlin Castro – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .269. Has done pretty much exactly what I thought he’d be capable of in the preseason, though, I admittedly didn’t realize there would be about 27 great middle infielders.
Albert Pujols – Missed yesterday with plantar fasciitis. Here’s hoping he can tough it out for the final month or end his season now to allow me to pick up C.J. Cron (2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs) and play Cron everyday without carrying both guys. Yeah, this is mostly about me, deal with it.
Ricky Nolasco – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.95. Nolasco’s hinted at this great start for a while now. Since 2008, to be exact.
Andrelton Simmons – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 5th steal, hitting .281, as he leadoff with the Angels going with their D lineup. Their first lineup is a C lineup. Andrelton has one homer all year. So, he’s out of this world, but not how you might think.
Brandon Finnegan – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.19. If I had known before games started that the Angels would throw such a terrible lineup (no Trout, no Pujols), I would’ve started Finnegan. That’s no endorsement of Finnegan. This message was brought to you by the Committee to Not Pickup Finnegan.
Neil Walker – Diagnosed with a herniated disc that will require back surgery and force him to miss the rest of the season. Seriously, how did it take two weeks for this diagnosis? I could’ve diagnosed him and that’s just because my moms is a chiropractor!
Michael Conforto – Will be recalled when the rosters go from Foster’s Oil Can to Olde English 4-oh. Stereotypical recall that I don’t like at all, unless he plays and starts hitting, then I’ll like him a lot.
Bartolo Colon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.35. You would’ve been better off drafting Colon instead of F-Her. And sometimes Colon can lead to F-Her. When Drakkar is applied liberally.
Wilmer Flores – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .267. Hitting over .350 in the last week and has three homers in the last eight games. Those, friends, are tears of joy.
David Phelps – Hit the DL with a strained oblique. How does one get a strained oblique the day of his start? No one thought of mentioning this shizz the day before so I could make different streaming plans? Ya’ll a bunch of commies, said the Man with Dated Insults!
Marcell Ozuna – Left yesterday’s game with a sore wrist after a tumbling catch. Boy George was highly impressed with his tumbling for it.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-4 and his 17th homer, and 2nd in as many games. Yelich is cramming all his power into the last few days before he needs to go back to school.
Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.14. This start was against the Phils, whose hottest hitter is Freddy Galvis (1-for-3 and his 15th homer, hitting .236). The same Freddy Galvis who would get picked out of any major league lineup.
Jayson Werth – 2-for-4 and his 20th homer, and 4th homer in the last five games. Hot schmotato alert!
Aaron Sanchez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.88 as he was recalled from the minors, where he went so the Jays could pretend to not be putting innings on his arm. Jays are doing Sanchez dirty, need to put on the brakes, Screech!
Michael Saunders – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 23rd homer, hitting .270. Now has three homers in the last five games, yesterday, he hit cleanup. Too bad his steals went the way of the dodo with his knee (he stole 20+ one year), because if they were still around, he’d be in the top ten outfielder discussion, and if I had $500 million, I’d be Jessica Alba’s house husband, but you get the picture.
Russell Martin – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .247, three homers in the last ten games. Russell John Coltrane Ella Fitzgerald Streisand has nine homers since the break (122 ABs).
Jose Bautista – 2-for-4 and his 17th homer, hitting .230. Someone’s going to buy into a bounce back for Bautista (say that fast 117 times!) next year way before I’m drafting him.
Jonathan Schoop – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .282. The people dropping Schoop right now will be the same ones drafting him next year. Y’all fickle!
Michael Bourn – Orioles traded for him, hoping he forgets his new identity of a bad baseball player and remembers his old identity of a solid leadoff man. Worked for Damon, doubt it does for Bourn.
Cameron Maybin – Remained out yesterday with his thumb issue. Maybin could have an entire site dedicated to his various ailments. That’s So Maybin dot com is available too.
JaCoby Jones – 2-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .500 in two games. His name looks like you’d find it at the fantasy football side of things. (Yeah, clickbait, but he really does sound like a wide receiver. Plus, he was suspended for smoking ganja. That says NFL almost as much as domestic battery.) JaCoby has some power, speed and can find a loophole to write off your pot smoking; he also might hit .180 with an egregious strikeout rate.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.30. He’s been good, and you ask me, “How good, Unkie Grey?” Glad you asked, Nephew. On our Player Rater, Verlander is a top 35 player, with pitchers like Jo-Fer and Arrieta. Fo’serious.
Chris Sale – 8 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.10. He didn’t strikeout a guy in the first four innings for the first time in his career (142 starts). Also, Elias Sports Bureau said, “Donuts are no longer spelled doughnut, because there’s nothing ugh about them.”
Jonathan Papelbon – Unlikely to sign with a new team. Surprised, he seemed so open to working setup for the betterment of a team.
Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.14. Hey, that’s my Pi!
Kris Bryant – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 36th homer. He jetted in the jet away from Rizzo in MVP voting like he was on a mission.
Coco Crisp – Was traded to the Indians. The Indians needed an outfield bat since last November, trying at one point Marlon Byrd, who appropriately enough flew the coup. This trade also signifies how badly the Indians just don’t want to play The King of SAGNOF. Rajai has done no wrong, but Terry Francona’s brain does little right, so there’s that. Coco Crisp isn’t a top shelf outfielder, unless you’re speaking metaphorically about where you keep your cereal. He should platoon with Naquin, Rajai, Guyer, Almonte and Chisenhall.
Corey Kluber – 8 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.09. He’s a good September away from having a sub-3 ERA on the year. That’s nothing to sneeze at, unless you’re allergic to aces.
Carlos Santana – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer, hitting .245. “For one brief moment on the last day of August, the Indians looked like they did in June. They were also facing failed presidential hopeful, Pat Dean, and the Minnesota Twins.” That’s the epilogue for the Moneyball sequel about the Indians that doesn’t mention any of their pitchers.
Byron Buxton – Was recalled. Not quite as in, “I recalled him being good at one point,” but close.
Brian Dozier – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer, and fourth in ten games. If I didn’t know any better, I’d guess Dozier was in a contract year and just padding stats, which is awesome for fantasy.
Max Kepler – 1-for-3 and his 16th homer, hitting .243. Hasn’t been great in the month of August, but this could be the Life Alert Kepler needs.
Luke Weaver – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.86. I didn’t trust Weaver in this start; Miller Park scares me; Brewers can hit home runs; semi-colons are fun. I should’ve just went with the narrative “Brewers strikeout a lot” and been done with it. Live and learn. Or is it lurn? Meh, whatever.
Matthew Wisler – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.76. I streamed him because the Stream-o-Nator was like, “Yeah, a’ight, try it,” and I dropped him before the game even ended because you need to be brutal this time of year.
Ender Inciarte – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and 2 steals (12, 13), hitting .360 since the break. I’ve mentioned him about ten times in the last nine roundups. Not sure what else I have to do. You want me to dance? *Does the Macarena, mumbles the lyrics in Spanish* That’s it! That’s all I got!
Adonis Garcia – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .267. Mentioned Cust because.
Oswaldo Arcia – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in two days. Don’t worry, I’ll cool him off, because I just picked him up for the batty call today.
Mike Fiers – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.31. If you streamed him, you just avoided disaster , which is usually not the case with a Fiers ‘n the A’s shituation.
Dallas Keuchel – Pushed back due to fatigue. Sounds like he owns himself in fantasy.
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (14), hitting .206. It’s not a good sign that I forgot I picked up Gomez in one league. Not as in, I should take more Omegas for my memory, as in, Gomez hasn’t done much of anything.
Rougned Odor – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and two homers (26, 27), hitting .276. I’m between a rock and stank place with Odor. I want him to finish strong, but I also want a bargain next year. Red emergency lights! Conflicted Grey!
Jeremy Jeffress – Entered rehab after getting a DWI last week. There were past signs, like during his time in Milwaukee, when he’d badger Bernie Brewer for deets on his Friday night plans.
Adrian Beltre – 1-for-2, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, and 2nd in as many games. If you drafted Longoria and Beltre, you did no draft prep-slash-are old AF, but it worked out. Kudos, which is something you can’t eat with your diabetes.
Martin Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.30. I nearly streamed him, but I just couldn’t pull the trigger on a guy with a 4.5 K/9 and 3.5 BB/9. Nolan Ryan could do better, at 69 years old.
Nelson Cruz – Should return on Friday, has been out with a nerve issue. Or as the M’s trainer, Shemp Howard, said, “The noive!”
Felix Hernandez – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.48. Surprised by how few articles I was able to find when I Googled Felix Hernandez is done, but maybe I shouldn’t have Googled, “F-Her done.” That just lead to Larry the Cable Guy “Get ‘er done” sex tapes.
