The sixth inning of every home Clayton Kershaw start isn’t going to be the same. No longer will Angelenos be filing in as if it’s the first, suddenly realizing that Kershaw is pitching, but now they will be stuck talking about everything but baseball for the entirety of the game and not simply 95% of it. “Ma, can I keep score on the back of my headshot?” “We’re not here to see the game, Timmy, we’re here to run into commercial directors. This is where Stew’s mom got him that Tropicana commercial. You want to pay my bills, don’t you?” “Sorry, ma.” Like the oral sex scene in The World According to Garp, it’s a devastating blow losing Kershaw for any amount of time. He was diagnosed with a herniated disc, but won’t require surgery. The Dodgers are hoping he’s back (poor choice of words) from the DL right after the All-Star Game. I’d pray with you, but I’m using my hands to clap for not drafting a pitcher in the 1st round. The Dodgers did pick up Bud Norris in a trade to fill in. Won’t see any fall off there! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kenta Maeda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.82. Hakuna Maeda! That means, ‘No wormies.’
Trayce Thompson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, but the Dodgers’ outfield is crowded with the return of Yasiel Puig (2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI). By the way, no one wants Trayce for the better part of the season; everyone wants Puig, Puig sucks; look at his stats; semicolons are fun.
Corey Seager – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer, hitting .299. Seager or Correa? Is it close?
Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .179. I still have only one home run from my catcher slot on my RCL team (from a random Yan Gomes pick up). If I had left Yasmani on my team through injuries and just terrible play, I’d still be doing better! Yet…Again with some stank…YET! My offense is kicking ass. Punting catcher wins again.
Zach Davies – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.22. *closes the children’s book* So, the moral of this story is never trust JB when talking about Brewers pitchers.
Fernando Rodney – Marlins acquired Rodney. Talk about an odd trade. Only two of the worst run organizations would be able to pull this one off. Are the Marlins making this trade to make a run at the playoffs? They can’t be serious. Maybe Loria thinks Rodney is honoring the Sistine Chapel painting after he saves a game. “That hat brim is so Art Deco!” Maybe Ramos and Rodney could be a WWE tag team in offseason, The Maulin’ Marlins managed by Hensley Meulens. You do not want to take on the Maulin’ Marlins! At this point, I’d hold Rodney and Ramos. My guess is Ramos closes, but it’s messy. In San Diego, it’s clearly Ryan Buchter.
Justin Bour – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Leading those playoff-charging Marlins! See? I mean, does that ring the faintest truth bell?
Jace Peterson – 2-for-5. Has hit in every game in June except for one. Seriously.
Chris Tillman – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER. His ERA on 6/14 was 2.87. Now it’s 3.71. Mess with the Regression Fairies and you get a glam, glitter-speckled boot in your ass.
Hyun Soo Kim – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .344 as he was moved up to the two hole. Just move him up to leadoff already and Machado up to second and Jones into the three hole. You know you want to, Showalter.
Taijuan Walker – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.29. He looked fully healed. Or, since it was a foot issue, maybe that’s heeled! Snort, snort, giggle-mixed-hiccup.
Madison Bumgarner – 1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .182. A Bum indeed! Oh, and he went 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.20. A lot was made of Bumgarner hitting in an AL park, but you know what this says to me, and probably the other Giants, they don’t have one single hitter worth using as a DH.
Brandon Crawford – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting near-.350 in the last week with a bazinga amount of RBIs. About as many as Freddie Freeman has all year.
Buster Posey – 2-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .299. He gave A’s starter, Dillon Overton, a pocketful of Posey! Amiright? I know I am; was just making you feel involved. Strunk & White says that’s good writing. Or is it well writing?
Marcus Semien – 1-for-5 and his 16th homer. The real money shot: Semien’s been more valuable than Kipnis, Rendon and Dozier, to name a few 2B. To name others, he’s been better than Yelich, Belt, Beltre and Piscotty. See the Fantasy Baseball Player Rater for more. By the way, we also have a Rest of Season Player Rater. As in, what guys will do in the future.
Danny Espinosa – 2-for-4, 7 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homers, hitting .235. Oh, Danny boy, oh, Danny boy is doing some serious tubthumping. After pissing April and May away.
Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .227. Someone should go in the comments on Hitter-Tron and ask Rudy why he’s been holding Ryan Zimmerman for almost 250 at-bats. If nothing else, make sure he’s not trapped under a stack of phone books.
Brandon Finnegan – 2 1/3 IP, 8 ER. Just followed this lovely Finnegan’s rainbow to this gorgeous pot of gold! *looks in* Is this liquid gold? Wait a second, that’s urine! Hey, c’mon! It wasn’t easy to follow this rainbow to its natural conclusion, I had to pass through a lot of dangerous neighborhoods!
Joey Votto – 2-for-3 and his 14th homer, hitting .249. That average doesn’t look very JV. But, then again, it does look JV.
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 5.24, but it’s 3.00 in June in 30 IP with 37 Ks. He went from nasty like a public toilet to nasty like getting busy in a Burger King bathroom. If you like pitching Pinedas, and making love in the rain — I do! — If you’re not into YoGa, the Orioles pitcher who sucks, and Yordano’s got half a brain. There’s one way to make me want to go to the tailor and ask to have my inseam taken out, and Pineda’s achieved it. Well played, homeslice! Now why didn’t you do that when I owned you in April?
Didi Gregorius – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, now has two homers in the last two games, hitting .290. I see some hot schmotatoes tonight that should be having my baby…bay-bee.
Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. He’s overdue for a hamstring strain, isn’t he? Can someone check to make sure he didn’t forget to set his iCal?
Prince Fielder – 0-for-3, hitting .219. Prince hates his father, but his career bottomed out at the same time as his old man…Maybe I’m just like my father, too old.
A.J. Griffin – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.93. Nice start, but Alfredo Jettucine goes to Fenway next and I and the Stream-o-Nator both expect him to get creamed.
Rajai Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .271. Aw, man, now they’re playing him again? What the what?! I thought Francona had lust for Naquin all of a sudden. I won’t even get into Rajai batting sixth, which is an interesting choice vs. R.A. Dickey (7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.21). Guy with the knuckleball, who could give up steals, and you bury the King of SAGNOF. Incredible.
Jason Kipnis – 2-for-3 and his 11th homer, hitting .271. Last year, he had 9 homers and a shoulder injury (which then Brantley caught). Kipnis’ career high in homers is 17, and he could easily surpass that. Okay, by like three or four homers, maybe. All right, he should pass it, but don’t expect him to fly by the career high.
Carlos Carrasco – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA down to 2.56. And people were asking in the comments if they should bench him. Oh…*pounds out a chicken cutlet, fills it with spinach and ricotta cheese, rolls it up, ties it with twine, bakes it on 450 for 18-22 minutes, pulls it out and breathes in the aroma* …kay. That’s the Chicken Florentine pause. Practiced by many, only able to be pulled off by a few.
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer, hitting .293. 2nd day in a row with a homer as he gets his F5 going.
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.95. I told you to sell him on April 22nd, when his ERA was 0.00 through three starts. His ERA never went below that mark again.
Cameron Maybin – 3-for-4, 1 run, 4 RBIs, hitting .359. That’s so not Maybin. Wow, if I thought that was Maybin, I would’ve picked him up a month ago.
Jake Odorizzi – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.91. His K-rate (8.59) and walk rate (3.00) don’t feel super bleh, but isn’t he a black hole of excitement? Just can’t generate any enthusiasm for him. I’ll ask my shrink. Dot dot dot. Eee-dink! What’s up with Odorizzi, nondescript astronaut Shrinky-Dink?
Oswaldo Arcia – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 1st steal. Still hot, still schmotatoing.
Erasmo Ramirez – 1/3 IP, 4 ER, and his 4th blown save. So I guess Xavier Cedeno is the closer.
Kendrys Morales – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, as he played the outfield. I’ve told you to pick him up 15 times in 14 days. Now it’s on you.
Chris Young – 4 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (6 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 6.24. I like a good giraffe joke as much as the next short person, but how is Young still in the majors?
Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. You, sir, are no Devon Travis returning. Snap in the H formation!
Brandon Moss – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer. I tried to get people to pick him up for a few weeks, gave up on that. You keep rolling with no Moss.
Mike Leake – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.13. This might be the most Cardinal starters above 4 ERA this late in the year (Garcia, Leake, Wainwright, Wacha) since Dave Duncan founded the pitching staff in 1907.
Andrew Heaney – Will have Tommy John surgery. He tried a stem cell injection a few months ago, but that merely sprouted some flowers on his elbow.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer as he rejoins Team FML! That’s right, I traded Frazier away last month, and traded back for him yesterday — ended up sending Abreu/Mazara for Hosmer, Frazier and Wade Davis. Both trades with Prospector Ralph. Me and Prospector Ralph should get our own room! As in own chatroom, to discuss trades. What did you think I meant?
Tim Anderson – 3-for-4, hitting .314. I almost put him in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I get the sense that no one wants to pick him up, so y’all win. Hope you’re happy! *tantrum throwing*
Carlos Rodon – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, ERA at 4.24. Ugh, six baserunners and four earned is unlucky AF. Yes, unlucky as Abercrombie & Fitch. I’d try to continue to hold Rodon. I know, easier in concept.
Brian Dozier – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and, like, his 15th homer in the last week. I just gave you my Brian Dozier fantasy. It was written in limerick form.
Robbie Grossman – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, but I just want to talk about Eduardo Nunez (2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .319). I don’t even own Nunez and he’s got me gassed like Jonah Hill running up stairs.
Jason Heyward – Dealing with oblique soreness. Odd, I’m dealing with soreness at Heyward.
Kris Bryant – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .279. Where are all of those people in the preseason that said Bryant couldn’t rein in his Ks and hit for a respectable average? They can’t be on fantasy football yet.
Javier Baez – 2-for-5 and his 8th homer, hitting .269. Will be in this afternoon’s Buy, as he has been for the last three weeks. I’m seriously flummoxed. People wanted to draft this guy so bad when he didn’t even have a job, now he’s hitting and people are over him.
Yoenis Cespedes – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. The Yo form of yay!
Steven Matz – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners (3 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA up to 3.40. Reports are saying Matz wanted elbow surgery but the Mets talked him out of it. In related news, the Mets accidentally let their insurance coverage lapse.
