It was almost 20 years ago. Aaaah, middle school. I remember it like yesterday. Or, well, like twenty years ago. Sweater vests, braces, and bleached blonde caesar haircuts. Before the real Slim Shady showed up a different white boy with rhythm busted onto the scene with his troupe of ex-Disney-turned-MTV boy banders. We all thought it was dumb (of course). Why should all the girls that we thought were hot think they were hot? Because they’re on TV? Stupid. Because they can sing? Hey, we were in chorus! Every crush I had at 12 would swoon over *NYSNC and their lyrics, thinking it was written for them.
‘It’s tearin’ up my heart when I’m with you/And when we are apart I feel it, too/And no matter what I do I feel the pain with or without you!’
Okay, a few things. Why in the Kanye West did you have an asterisk in front of your name? You’re not Roger Maris! GTFO. At least put a hashtag. Be ahead of the times. Instead your name looks like something that could be traded on NASDAQ. Second, besides their style choices asterikNSYNC was clearly a confused calamity of young 20-Somethings. How about ya find a lady that doesn’t make you manic? Just a thought. Third, how dare you steal from U2 with those lyrics!?! Fourth, thank heavens for progression. Amiright Justin Timberlake? (In case you’re totally lost, but somehow still reading this asinine intro, JT’s the aforementioned white boy whom I massively respect now, see: Jessica Biel). Fifth, I didn’t have to look those lyrics up. I knew them. In the darkness of my memories. Damn it.
Twenty years later I think I fully understand the meaning of the lyrics, though. As a Braves fan (hence the Deion pic. Oh, y’all thought I ran a 4.3? My b.) I’ve almost completely tuned out the 2016 season. Yet, in the midst of the historically bad start to the season, the rotation is finally starting to come around with the likes of Bud Norris relegated to the bullp…can we just DFA this dude already? The Braves are loaded with young arms, now with some already reaching the bigs, but the savvy vet of the group that could anchor the staff into the next generation of Braves is the incredibly old Julio Teheran. And he’s 25! Seem like forever ago he was considered the top elite pitching prospect in baseball. Well, he’s actually been elite lately. Check this out:
Impressed? Me, too. It’s awesome as a Braves fan. Yet it sucks, too. Oh, the pain! I feel you, 1997 version of JT! We got a great thing going, but I think there’s better in the future if we just move on. Worked out for Justin (again, see: Jessica Biel – instead of Britney Spears), and I think it would work out for the Braves if they shipped Julio’s talents elsewhere. Especially if stuff like this could happen (hint…it’s Andrew Benintendi). So, Julio’s Teheran up my heart because of what could be, but for this week I’m making sure he’s in every possible lineup I have. Here’s how I rank the other Two-Start options for Week 8.
And I promise I’ll never mentioned a 90’s boy band again. My apologies.
Pitchers are listed in order by rank. Colors represent worst 8 or best 8 opponents according to team wOBA for last 30 days. And in order to hold true to my promise, I’m omitting naming the tiers rather than divulge further into the shame I’ve already brought upon myself.
(The Best) – Quintana may be the surprise appearance in this group, but he’s been the full Robin to Chris Sale’s Batman. Hell, he may even be the Batman aside from the wins. Quintana gets the bump over Price and Strasburg due to the lineups they’ll face. Both Cy Young Winners are in this tier. And don’t worry about Cueto at Coors. The Rockies rank 24th in wOBA (weighted on-base average) that past 30 days.
| Player | Opponents | ERA/FIP | K9/BB9 |
|---|---|---|---|
| Clayton Kershaw (LAD) | CIN, @NYM | 1.67/1.36 | 11.31/0.51 |
| Chris Sale (CWS) | CLE, @KC | 1.58/2.81 | 8.17/1.32 |
| Jose Quintana (CWS) | CLE, @KC | 1.54/2.19 | 8.03/1.88 |
| Stephen Strasburg (WSH) | NYM, STL | 2.80/2.33 | 11.07/2.36 |
| David Price (BOS) | COL, @TOR | 5.53/2.72 | 11.39/2.28 |
| Johnny Cueto (SF) | SD, @COL | 2.70/2.24 | 8.24/1.62 |
(The Replicas) – Teheran makes his grand appearance as the #7 option for Week 8. Two home starts against mediocre lineups gives him a great chance to keep his hot streak going. Just as long as A.J. Pierzynski isn’t behind the dish.
| Player | Opponents | ERA/FIP | K9/BB9 |
|---|---|---|---|
| Julio Teheran (ATL) | MIL, MIA | 2.73/3.71 | 7.55/2.73 |
| Rich Hill (OAK) | @SEA, DET | 2.54/2.94 | 10.69/3.81 |
| John Lackey (CHC) | @STL, PHI | 3.31/3.10 | 8.61/1.99 |
| Gio Gonzalez (WSH) | NYM, STL | 1.86/3.12 | 7.45/2.42 |
| Drew Pomeranz (SD) | @SF, @ARI | 1.96/2.88 | 10.96/4.11 |
(The Standards) – Every one of these guys should be in your lineups this week, regardless of matchups. There may be no better meaning of this than with Velasquez. At the Cubs is going to be really difficult, but you can’t bench him. Same with Tillman and Wacha. Also, Chen’s a sneaky great option this week.
| Player | Opponents | ERA/FIP | K9/BB9 |
|---|---|---|---|
| Taijuan Walker (SEA) | OAK, MIN | 2.95/3.71 | 8.65/1.69 |
| Vincent Velasquez (PHI) | @DET, @CHC | 2.42/2.46 | 10.99/2.76 |
| Wei-Yin Chen (MIA) | TB, @ATL | 4.22/3.53 | 7.71/1.65 |
| Cole Hamels (TEX) | LAA, PIT | 3.10/4.80 | 9.30/3.47 |
| Jake Odorizzi (TB) | @MIA, NYY | 3.81/4.45 | 6.89/2.36 |
| Chris Tillman (BAL) | @HOU, @CLE | 2.61/2.89 | 9.23/3.66 |
| Ian Kennedy (KC) | @MIN, CWS | 3.24/4.18 | 9.00/3.06 |
| Michael Wacha (STL) | CHC, @WSH | 4.03/3.51 | 7.71/3.16 |
| Steven Wright (BOS) | COL, @TOR | 2.52/3.30 | 7.88/3.19 |
| Jimmy Nelson (MIL) | @ATL, CIN | 3.07/4.63 | 7.06/3.53 |
(The Knockoffs) – Take advantage of the juicy matchups these guys have. Then pee your pants in fear for the other one. There are a lot of horrible options in Week 8, these guys just barely escape being grouped with the next crop.
| Player | Opponents | ERA/FIP | K9/BB9 |
|---|---|---|---|
| Nathan Eovaldi (NYY) | TOR, @TB | 4.40/3.80 | 8.32/1.85 |
| Edinson Volquez (KC) | @MIN, CWS | 3.79/3.99 | 7.08/3.13 |
| Bartolo Colon (NYM) | @WSH, LAD | 3.75/3.68 | 7.50/1.69 |
(The Backstreet Boys) – A few big names I’m still avoiding find themselves here: Wainwright and Miller primarily. Both have been better the past 3 starts, but you can’t trust them, especially given their opponents. Going to Arizona and Chase Field may have been the worst thing that could have happened to Shelby Miller. Hopefully he figures it out. I mean, hey, this happened for the first time to Bartolo Colon. At 42! Remember? Of course you do! It’s never too late! Side note, Liriano’s gotta be hurt. He’s been awful the past few outings. Bench him until further notice.
| Player | Opponents | ERA/FIP | K9/BB9 |
|---|---|---|---|
| Tom Koehler (MIA) | TB, @ATL | 4.71/4.48 | 6.64/5.36 |
| Ervin Santana (MIN) | KC, @SEA | 3.13/3.55 | 7.71/3.38 |
| Ricky Nolasco (MIN) | KC, @SEA | 4.74/3.75 | 7.84/1.64 |
| Francisco Liriano (PIT) | ARI, @TEX | 4.63/5.20 | 9.64/4.82 |
| Nick Tropeano (LAA) | @TEX, HOU | 3.30/4.79 | 8.86/4.53 |
| Chris Rusin (COL) | @BOS, SF | 4.50/2.60 | 7.31/3.09 |
| R.A. Dickey (TOR) | @NYY, BOS | 4.50/4.49 | 6.67/2.83 |
| Matt Moore (TB) | @MIA, NYY | 5.09/4.47 | 9.00/2.93 |
| Adam Wainwright (STL) | CHC, @WSH | 5.92/4.03 | 5.40/2.44 |
| Doug Fister (HOU) | BAL, @LAA | 4.22/4.57 | 4.96/2.76 |
| Brandon Finnegan (CIN) | @LAD, @MIL | 4.44/5.48 | 7.03/4.25 |
| Michael Clevinger (CLE) | @CWS, BAL | 6.75/4.22 | 8.44/1.69 |
| Shelby Miller (ARI) | @PIT, SD | 6.64/6.57 | 5.98/5.53 |
| Mat Latos (CWS) | CLE, @KC | 4.00/5.05 | 4.40/3.40 |
| Mike Pelfrey (DET) | PHI, @OAK | 5.49/5.83 | 5.05/3.95 |
All players listed are projected for two starts, and this list is subject to changes after the article is posted.
So, there you have it! In summary, Justin Timberlake is cooler than all of us, I was embarrassing as a 6th grader and nothing’s changed due to my lyrical memory. Drop a comment below, and good luck! Check back next weekend for Week 9!
