What’s that smell, you ask? Is Grey attempting a technical from season 5 of GBBO? Not quite, it’s the smell of taeks so hot they could bake all the buns you can handle. It’s bold prediction SZN and we here at Razzball are getting in on the action. For an example of hawt our taeks are, let’s take a trip back in time to March 31st, 2024. Yikes. Colt Keith was not even a top 20 second baseman. I think I owe MarmosDad an apology for laughing so hard at his Jo Adell take, the average wasn’t there, but I stand corrected. Grey nailed Ohtani but his other takes were, not so great. Also, Keelin…Alejandro Kirk, did not, in fact, happen. Butters had a pretty nice Chourio call there. Not all bad.
What awful takes do we have in store for this season? We can only imagine. Just like last season, I’ve provided my own feedback and ranked these takes from luke-warmest to the hottest of fire. The further you scroll, the hotter the take, until the takes turn into the surface of the sun and leave your buns burnt beyond repair. Happy Opening Week!
Latchkey Kid: My Bold Prediction/Infatuation Pick: Robert Suarez was bad in August, and atrocious in September. He’s continued to be bad this spring. Jeremiah Estrada takes over the closer’s role in San Diego and finishes the season as a top-5 RP.
I like this one. There’s a lot of Suarez noise, but he came out and was fine last time out. We’ll see, but Estrada definitely has the stuff to make this happen should Suarez stumble out of the gate. 1 Spicy chicken McNugget
Coolwhip: Steven Kwan joins the 20/20 club with a .290 AVG by pulling the ball in his age 27 season. In 2024, he improved his AVG and SLG vs fastballs to a career-high of .350 and .537 respectively with 11 of his career-high 14 HR feasting on fastballs.
To be fair, Coolwhip had a very bold Ryan Weathers prediction about him being a total stud this season. Ryan Weathers’ elbow had other plans. That said, a guy adding 6 HRs and 8 SBs isn’t the most boldest of bold takes, but we’ll cut Coolwhip some slack, he’s in mourning. I’ll toss him a couple Chik-Fil-A Spicy Chickens and call it a day.
Mike Couillard: Victor Scott II steals 50-plus bags. Scott has run away with the centerfield job in Cardinals camp, slashing .359/.457/.692 (through March 20), likely leaving Michael Siani in the dust. The speedy outfielder walked at a paltry 3.9% clip in 2024, so if his gains from spring can stick even slightly to allow Scott to push his OBP into the .320 range, the steals will accumulate fast. The 24-year-old plays great defense and should be a key part of the Cardinals rebuild (? – this team is honestly going to perform better than expected) for 2025 and beyond.
Don’t the Cards always do this? Midwest, lunchpail squad over there always overperforming. That’s why it’s so easy to hate them. VSII is easy to love though and I like this call. I should probably add him to a team or two before this gets published. 2 Wendy’s spicy chicken sandwiches
MattTruss: Pete Crow-Armstrong goes 25/50 and is everything we hope we get out of Ronald Acuna Jr. this year, but 8-10 rounds later.
Pete Acuna Jr Armstrong you say? The steals seem doable, the homers? Not if you listen to the crowd, but we’re bold and going against the grain over here. In the end, not too bold though. 3 Taco Bell tacos with Diablo sauce
MarmosDad: Garret Crochet finishes the year with under 100 IP, under 120 Ks, and under 10 wins, making him basically as valuable as Garrett Whitlock, minus 8 saves.
Marmos prefaced this by saying he hoped he was wrong, and I have to imagine a lot of drafters also hope he is. Thing is, I kind of agree here. I have avoided Crochet everywhere, just like Marmos. I’m not saying I wish ill-will on the guy, I just don’t trust that arm. Reminds me of Eury Perez last season, but being drafted in the fourth round instead of the tenth. No thanks, 3 ½ slices of Domino’s buffalo chicken pizza.
The Real Joey Bart: Jack Flaherty Cy Young winner
Ryan Walker/Tylor Megill/Ryan Pressly all finish as top 5 RPs
Cody Bellinger receives MVP votes
Josh Lowe goes 25-40 and finishes as a top 15 player
This is a lot to get right, so we’re going bold on quantity alone here. I think Jose Lowe might be the boldest of the bunch, because that means he stays healthy all season, and that in itself is worth a few Arby’s sandwiches covered in Horsey Sauce
Brewer: Alan Roden not only forces his way into the Blue Jays lineup this spring at the expense of George Springer, but he also wins the AL Rookie of the year award by hitting 20+ homers, 15+ steals with a .275+ average. Move over Jasson Dominguez and Kristian Campbell there is a rookie needing attention north of the border.
Brewer is already a quarter of the way to this one coming true with Roden making the team. Springer looks cooked, for sure and I love the confidence here, BOLD. 4 Jack in the Box stuffed jalapenos
DiscoStu: Bailey Ober wins the AL Cy Young, he’s +10000 right now, so place your bets!
I’m into it, DraftKings sportsbook here I come! 5 Five Guys’ Cajun Fries
C.A. James: Xavier Edwards leads the majors in stolen bases while also scoring 95+ runs.
The first half of this boldness is not as fantastical as the latter. I firmly believe he’ll challenge for the crown, but he’ll need to depend on the team to drive him in. And his team? The Miami Ragamuffins. Depending on the likes of (please pause while I FanGraphs who is even in their lineup this year, and guess what, Fangraphs wouldn’t load, so I’m still waiting. Give me a minute) Griffin Conine? Eric Wagaman? Joseph Ragamuffin? 95+ runs? My boldness knows no bounds!
Bonus boldness: Jordan Walker hits 30+ home runs and hits above .250 in the year of our lord 2025.
Could you imagine what Grey would do? Maybe he would buy a cannon, place it on the top of his house like that octogenarian in the OG Mary Poppins, and fire it for every home run. That would do Tiktok numbers, friends.
Mike Trout plays in 155 games and Anthony Rendon is caught on camera smiling in the dugout more than 20 times.
Like Halle Berry in Monster’s Ball, I just want to feel good. Nothing would make me feel happier for My Weather Man Michael to enjoy a season of baseball besides Rendon being banished to an eternity of shagging balls for a Double-A affiliate. I’m a lover and a hater, it’s complicated.
Much like Joey Bart, this is a lot to get right. What can we say, we are writers at heart. When asked to write a paragraph in middle school, we dutifully wrote a 3-page essay on why being able to turn into a bowl of spaghetti is the best superpower or why I should be allowed to have a pet raccoon. Like these ridiculous topics, C.A. has lost his marbles…there is no way Rendon smiles more than thrice all season. I award you 17 Wendy’s ghost pepper chicken sandwiches.
Grey: Tim Anderson is named the Angels’ starting 2nd baseman for their home opener vs. the Guardians. In his 2nd at-bat, Jose Ramirez ropes a line drive into the gap for a stand-up double. After he reaches 2nd, a timeout is called, and him and Tim Anderson embrace and begin to hug, when, unbeknownst to Tim, Big Christmas storms out of the dugout with a steel chair–Fantasy related bold prediction? Oh! I see. I’ll go Freddie Freeman and Rafael Devers aren’t top 15 for their positions on the Player Rater.
Grey coming out firing! I cackled. Freeman, I agree, but Devers not even being a top 15 3B? That is crumby with crackers. All the Carl’s Jr. Double El Diablo burgers
There you have it, all our boldest predictions! Be sure to drop your own in the comments below and enjoy watching them crash and burn.
