“Ask not what your fantasy team’s pitchers can do for you, but what you can do for your fantasy team pitchers.” The number one thing you can do is have your fantasy team page open and curse and scream whenever a reliever comes into the game in a non-save shituation and gives up runs, or when you have a pitcher give up five-plus in under five innings, or when you bench a guy who throws a gem. That’s the least you can do for your country and your team. Yesterday, the Kennedy curse lifted, and Jack and Joe did you right: Joe Musgrove (6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.68) vs. Jack Flaherty (6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.84). In 2021, Jack Flaherty could be underrated. Imagine he’s not a top five starter next year, because of one bad start. Sign me up for some of that nonsense. Joe Musgrove is a trickier proposition such as, “I’ll do whatever for $50.” Wait, that’s a trick’s proposition. Since Musgrove’s IL stint, his fastball velocity wasn’t quite there, but yesterday saw him touch 95 MPH, and his slider was working for him. For 2021, I could see getting sucked in again by Musgrove, which inevitably will leave me mumbling, “Era, era, my ERA is a mess.” That’s JFK struggling to the finish line of a fantasy season, like all of us. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 2 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.24, and was pulled from a no-hitter bid after 84 pitches, because…The Pirates’ self-confidence is so damaged they can’t have nice things? Yo, Pirates, did your daddy beat you? Did you grow up as a latch-key kid and you can’t shake the inferiority complex? Hey, Pirates, you need me to be your Big Brother? Jesus effin Christmas, how do you pull him with 84 pitches? If it were 100+ pitches? Fine, I get it. You don’t risk a future star who you will trade away for a washed-up player.

Giovanny Gallegos – Sounds like he will be activated today and back to closing games. So, put on your Sergio Tacchini tracksuit and “I live for this” t-shirt, and let’s get this SAGNOF!

Justin Verlander – Will have Tommy John surgery. So, he won’t pitch in 2021, and, knowing him, he’ll try to pitch again in 2022, signing a one-year deal. “Gare, I just don’t think this is the same Verlander we’ve grown used to.” “You might be right, Keith,” as the Mets go down 6-1 in the 1st inning on 2022 Opening Day.

George Springer – 3-for-4 and a double slam (12, 13) and legs (1), hitting .253. Thought maybe Springer was the best Astros player on the Player Rater, so I searched it, and it’s not even close, Kyle Tucker is far-and-away the best Astros player. Wanna holler yuck real loud? Tucker and Springer are only two in the top 100.

Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 7.36. This was a no decision, which is the best outcome the 0-4 Bum has seen all year. Earlier in his career, it was Mad-Bum, but, since it’s later in his career, we should now use the 2nd half of his first name so he Ison-Bum.

Brandon Crawford – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. Crawford hasn’t been a hot schmotato since 2015, so that’s gonna be a woof from me, dawg. Speaking of which…

Darin Ruf – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer. Fun fact! Darin Ruf is a world-famous daredevil dog.

Chadwick Tromp – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. The loss of Pence hasn’t slowed the Tromp Train, but the addition of the BART has.

Tyler Anderson – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.53. That would’ve been the start to stream him, and not his last 2 IP, 4 ER start. Pain.

Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.76, as he returned from an arm MRI better than anyone has ever returned from an arm MRI. He puts the miracle in MRI. Still, I’d use the Streamonator for Gausman for his last start. The great thing about him and anyone on a borderline playoffs team is he should actually pitch and go 5+ IP. Whereas, there’s gonna be a lot of pitchers on the Dodgers, Padres, etc., who throw like three innings this final week.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Speaking of pitchers who might only go a few innings and puts miracle in everything, it’s Jesus.

Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.76. Even if he goes out and throws a 9-inning shutout next time out, like his start vs. the Marlins last year, he still is having a short season that is making me out for 2021. Dude got old. It happens (I hear). I mention the 2019 start vs. the Marlins because, if you were watching Saturday’s game in the same living room as me, you would’ve experienced this: They showed highlights of Corbin’s 2019 shutout vs. the Marlins and I was like, “Wait, is this tonight? Because I’ve been watching and this doesn’t feel like tonight.” Then I laughed to myself for a good twenty minutes, then said, “This pandemic hasn’t made me crazy at all,” to an orange I’ve drawn a face onto.

Trea Turner – 3-for-7, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Treat Urner has at least 10 homers in each of his five seasons. Exactly why you draft him.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 4-for-8, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer. Struggling to find hot schmotatoes today, which is not what you want for the final week push. The Nats hit a shizzton of homers yesterday, but it was the 1st homer in some time for all of them, so it’s not like an obvious jumping off point for hot bat. Kurt Suzuki (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 2nd homer; Michael A. Taylor (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 5th, and he’s everyone’s favorite multiple choice answer; finally, Victor Robles (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer.

Pablo Lopez – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.96. In 2021, Patrick Corbin or Pab-Lo? Is it even close? Out on Corbin, in on Pab-Lo.

Sandy Alcantara – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.12. Think some people might write off the Marlins’ 2020 season, due to the funky 60-game schedule. I think that’s fair. I don’t think you should write off their starters. The Marlins need bats; they have arms.

Justus Sheffield – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.75. This was one of the Streamonator calls from Friday’s Buy column, or my Buy Gollum, “Precious.” Sheffield’s next start isn’t great on the Streamonator, but in the final week, with the A’s resting, I could see it.

Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.90 vs. Matthew Boyd – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.96. This matchup was billed as ‘Flavor Flav when he sees a Mrs. Fields.’ — “Yeah, Boyd! Cookie!”

Jose Ramirez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, hitting .284. There was pushback on my preseason rankings that Jo-Jo-Ram was too high, and Torenado was too low. On the Player Rater, they’re not close, and it has not been a good Torenado season.

Spencer Turnbull – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.83. For his final start, Turnbull might be better than your ace, because Turnbull is at least likely to pitch a full game. Super brief:  MLB playoffs are going to be a goofy 31-day straight sprint, so all playoff-bound teams will be resting their starters in the final week. That’s right, this season was only eight weeks long, and some starters are only going for seven, and only six if they weren’t ready in the 1st week. I feel like it’s midseason right now, and I’m amped up for four more months of season. This sucks.

Tony Gonsolin – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.77. Dodgers trade for Alex Cobb, you’re drafting him, right? I mean, they’ve never had a bad pitcher. I don’t care, I’d even jump on Cobb. Hmm, that sounds weird.

Trevor Bauer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.80. Is Trevor Bauer going to win the Cy Young? Or maybe I should ask, is Trevor Bauer about to become even more insufferable?

Antonio Senzatela – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.13. He’s borderline a top 40 starter this year, which makes me borderline crazy. Starting next week, I’ll recap all the positions, and they’re gonna be absolute nuts.

Corbin Burnes – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.77. Wonder if there will be any absolute loons next preseason who are like, “I’m drafting based on what guys did last year, therefore, ergo, vis-a-vis, I’m taking Corbin Burnes in the 2nd round.”

Daniel Vogelbach – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .215. Opens coffee table book, “From Harvey’s Wallbangers to Counsell’s Chubby Chasers: A History of the Milwaukee Brewers.”

Salvador Perez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. He did all that damage in only 122 ABs. Mr. Prorater, “Whoa, that’s Garverian. Downright Mitch-like. Perez has resting Mitch face!”

Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer this weekend. Sucks because I already moved on in most of my leagues, figuring he was coming back too quick from his injury, but it’s also awesome because I love my Teoscar like I’m Sally Field.

Anthony Bass – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, and the save, ERA at 3.42. With Rafael Dolis sidelinedolis, due to his knee, Bass could see a few more saves in the final week, if you have room and have given (or are) up streaming.

Bryce Harper – Left yesterday’s game with lower back stiffness. That only hurts 5 of 12 of my teams. Though, with how he’s been in September, it might help 5 of 12 teams.

Ian Anderson – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.36. Ian Anderson sunk like a hard rock.

Kyle Wright – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.74. For those keeping track of my big dummy-ness, I dropped Wright in one NL-Only league, where I could’ve really used him. Wright to drop? Wrong! Though, his last four starts have been so hit or miss, and mostly hit or hard to miss.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .259. Tildaddy says you can have more sherbet!

David Peterson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.80. Can’t buy me love, but a man D. Peterson, can try with a Quality Start and 10 Ks.

Mike Clevinger – Scratched with biceps tightness. Thinking about all those NL-Only owners who opened their pocketbooks for three starts, and maybe two if they had to wait a full week after he was traded, and missed the 1st start in San Diego. We’ll see if he goes again in the regular season, and for how many innings. I know you don’t want to hear this, but I wouldn’t throw him for more than 3 IP if I were the Padres.

Dinelson Lamet – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.07. It’s barely an exaggeration when I say Lamet hasn’t given up any hits in the first four innings of any game this year.

Wil Myers – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and a slam (14) and legs (2). At yesterday’s game, the cardboard cutouts were chanting MVP for Myers.

Michael Pineda – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.18. Keep going back to playoff-bound teams not wanting to push their starters this week, but Pineda, being about a month behind everyone else, should be able to go for his full next start, and the Streamonator likes it.

John Means – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 5.02. Whoa, that was the start to stream on Sunday. Too bad the one badge I earned while a Boy Scout was, “Has Never Started An Orioles Starter.”

Cesar Valdez – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save. Love how the Orioles went on the record saying, “Hunter Harvey would be the closer,” and there he was coming into the game in the 7th yesterday. Pretty cool stuff, guys. Or as Valdez would say, “Slick.”

J.A. Happ – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.25. Fun fact! I pronounce his name Ha-pee-pee.

Luke Voit – 1-for-3 and his 21st homer, hitting .286. Ya know what’s hilarious, in a not very funny way? If the season were four more months long, like it should be, Voit would end the season with, like, 30 homers.

Deivi Garcia – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.88. The Regression Fairies love Troye Sivan and hate your fantasy team’s pitching.

Bobby Dalbec – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. You see the guy who broke into Fenway yesterday? He was climbing along the Green Monster trying to sell apparel to the players. About the four millionth weirdest thing in this season, just behind Citi Field catching on fire. Also, yesterday.

J.D. Martinez – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer, hitting .205. Just Dong has become Weird Al in the Fat video, “Just ding dong, yo.”

Michael Chavis – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer. Related but unrelated to fantasy, some day the Red Sox fans will look back and struggle to remember who was on this team, and Chavis will be one that makes them say, “Oh, yeah, wow, that was a low point.”

Tanner Houck – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (3 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 0.00 in 11 IP. I like the idea that the Red Sox not only punt this year, but also try to appeal to Red Sox fans by just starting guys who can be confused with old fan favorites. “I’m gonna watch the Sawx, they’re stahting Houck.” “Houckilis?” “Um, yeah.” “That sounds wicked awesome.” Any hoo! I’d try Houckilis for his final start in Atlanta, since they’re likely to be resting at least part of their team.