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The Guards are calling up Gavin Williams. *insert Michael and the rest of The Office excited* We love ourselves some big-time pitching prospects, don’t we? *thinking about Gavin Stone and Grayson Rodriguez and making a giant red X on a rose bush, then slowly climbing up the side of my house above said bush* Okay, so they don’t all work out. Here’s what Itch said previously of Gavin Williams, “A huge man with an equally enormous fastball, Williams checks in at 6’6” 255 lbs and hasn’t run into much competition as a professional since being drafted 23rd overall in 2021. Cleveland likes to slow-roll their pitchers to help them master off-speed command. Some have whispered that Espino and McKenzie were both deemed more injury prone than accurate because the organization slow-played their rehab to focus in the pitch lab. Williams will challenge any efforts to control his timeline this spring when he’ll almost certainly look better than Zach Plesac and Aaron Civale. Toodles, time to drop an anvil on Grey’s head.” What? Unlike previous years, Williams’s command has been a bit wonky in Triple-A (4.11 BB/9) and his ERA is higher than it’s been. Gavin was the #1 fantasy prospect to stash this past Sunday from Itch, and I agree. Williams’s numbers were iffier than they’ve been this yea, but he’s still an absolutely grab in every league. Gavin Williams could be June/July/August’s April/May/June’s Tanner Bibee. Was that the most confusing way I could’ve said that? It felt that way. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Triston McKenzie – Has a sprained UCL. That means he’ll be shut down for a month, then they’ll have him throw and he’ll be like, “Um, guys, I can’t feel my arm,” then he’ll be shut down for another two weeks and return and be totally okay, or need Tommy John surgery.

Tony Kemp – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Not bad for a guy who is the personification of “An ant can’t lift a rubber tree plant.”

Nolan Jones – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (5). Just gave you my Nolan Jones fantasy the other day. Vroom, vroom.

TJ Friedl – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Everyone in Cincy is more valuable than you think except Elly De La Cruz (3-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer), who might never live up to the hype, because the hype has him as the best player of all-time after a week of games.

Will Benson – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Was watching Benson and thought, “Man, Robert Guillaume is underrated.”

Wil Myers – DFA’d by the Reds. That was the last hurdle standing in the way of the Reds bringing up CES and having him sit while Steer, Fairchild, Benson, and Votto play in front of him.

Dylan Carlson – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer. Ever think Tyler O’Neill could be playing again for the Cards, but only if he wearing Carlson’s jersey? You know those fantasy news sites and how they announce injuries? I think it’s “Tyler O’Neill (doghouse) starts baseball activities.” Never the hoo! A two-homer game goes a long way to being hot.

Paul DeJong – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Does Colonel Mustard, like, think he’s still facing the Mets?

Jordan Montgomery – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.69. Was a bit of a lay-up of a match-up — a latch-up, so to speak — but I don’t care. Do this mo’, JoMo!

MacKenzie Gore – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.02. MacKenzie Gore’d.

Marcus Stroman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.28. I’m going to spend a lot of time this offseason trying to figure out how so many ace pitchers were terrible and Stroman was an ace.

Mike Tauchman – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer. Fine! He’s hot! I give up!

Spencer Strider – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (zero walks), 9 Ks, ERA at 3.93 vs. Ranger Suarez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.50. Love both of these pitchers and they both lived up to love, in two entirely different ways.

Austin Riley – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer. ‘Bout time, Riley! Bout freakin’ time!

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 15th homer. Fun the Jewels missed three weeks and all of last year. He has two more homers than Soto and only two less RBIs. He’s hitting leadoff.

Seth Lugo – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.86, as he was activated from the IL after missing over a month. He only threw 66 pitches, so he might not be stretched out, but his next start looks good to me on the Streamonator.

Kyle Harrison – Scratched yesterday and it wasn’t due to injury. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, kazoo. I’m hearing conflicting reports whether he’s being called up.

David Dahl – Signed with the Dodgers. If the Dodgers were in Boston, the Dahlgers is too perfect. Wanna go to Dahlburger’s. Nothing says “I know burgers” like doing a Boston accent in literally every movie.

Reid Detmers – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.02. Now back-to-back Quality Starts vs. tough opponents (Texas, LAD). It gets easier next time out. Maybe the long-awaited breakout is finally happening.

Tyler Glasnow – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.97. Was there an emergency in St. Pete? Because the Orioles decided to break Glasnow.

Ryan O’Hearn – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 3rd homer in nine days. This guy’s schmotato is burning hotter than the Donkey Sauce at Guy Fieri’s Times Square restaurant.

Aaron Hicks – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, 3rd homer of June, and on the O’s. Can’t believe it, Hicks was being held back all those years by the Yanks.

Anthony Santander – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. If he’s unrostered, he shouldn’t be.

Kyle Bradish – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.88. For a moment, he had a no hitter in the 4th, and I was like, “Well, ain’t this the cat putting on the pajamas,” but it ended and there was no cat pajamas. Streamonator loves Bradish’s next, and I agree.

Bailey Ober – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (zero walks), 4 Ks, ERA at 2.83. I had a little box scare. I saw the Sawx scored 10 through eight innings and I knew Ober started, and I just couldn’t believe he was hit that hard by anyone, and he wasn’t. It was some middle reliever schmendrick, Headrick.

Louie Varland – Optioned to Triple-A. It should make no difference but doesn’t it always feel worse when you still roster a guy who is sent down? It’s like, “Wow, I had more faith in him than his own team.”

Byron Buxton – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Twins said Buxton is physically unable to play the outfield. No disrespect, but I didn’t think he was physically able to play outfield without getting injured. Sorta got that impression from eight years of him getting injured.

Royce Lewis – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Hey, they all count the same, but it should be said he hit this homer off Kluber, who is Cooked City. Next to Kluber’s save in the box score they should put in parenthesis (sarcastic). Kluber saved the game like a pyromaniac fireman. “I’m gonna put out the fire…with more fire!”

David Hamilton – Being called up by the Red Sox. Dot dot dot. Maybe! If the Red Sox need to put Pablo Reyes on the IL, then Hamilton will be officially promoted. I’m interested because Hamilton had a 12/70 season last year and 11/27 so far this year. Just the ol’ 20/80 player. No big deal!

Kutter Crawford – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.74. Was due for some sweet redemption with my streamers, and daddy nailed that FAAB and took her to bizz-ank. (This is me happy.) Any hoo! Got Kutter for the Streamonator two-start, so let’s go!

Adam Duvall – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer. He’s so overdue for a 10-homer month, hopefully this is the start of a crazy run.

Christian Arroyo – 5-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Fun Fact! Someone who couldn’t roll their R’s was asked to say Arroyo and they had a stroke.

Masataka Yoshida – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .308. Quietly putting together a solid rookie year. So quiet, it’s almost boring.

Framber Valdez – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.27. My fantasy teams’ pitching staffs are elephants teetering on a beach ball and on the beach ball written is the word, “Framber.”

Adolis Garcia – 2-for-5 and his 16th homer. Ugh, another game to ignore. Sigh.

Nathan Eovaldi – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.80 vs. Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.22. This felt like a game where the Regression Fairies were standing by waiting to intervene, unless each pitcher regressed the right way, which they did.

Eloy Jimenez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, 3rd homer this week. Good news is he might get to 15 homers by the break. Bad news is his next IL stint is set to happen when he gets to 15 homers.

Ketel Marte – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .293. If you would’ve told me in March one Diamondback will have a solid season out of Ketel and Josh Rojas, and it wasn’t Rojas, I wouldn’t have believed you, and now I’d like to see if you can float because you’re a witch.

Jesse Winker – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. “There’s no way we can carry this body back from this camping trip. First off, it’s a drain on gas–Hold up! Winker moved! He’s alive!”

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – Started a rehab assignment, and that assignment is to return immediately to help my teams.

Eury Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.54. I don’t suggest anyone kidnap anyone, so I cannot be held responsible, but can someone kidnap Eury so he stops throwing so many IP this year?

Yusei Kikuchi – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.97. Figured there was no way he was pitching as well as that ERA and I was proven sorta wrong. He’s basically luck neutral right now. He still allows way too many homers. I tried to figure out if he led the majors in solo homers allowed, but I failed you. I couldn’t figure out how to check, but, don’t worry, I didn’t try that hard.

Daniel Lynch – 7 IP, 1 hit, 2 walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.45 vs. Michael Lorenzen – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.00. This matchup was billed as, “If these two guys throw two Quality Starts, the Streamonator will orgasm.” Clear the room, we’re having a Marcus Semien event!

Clay Holmes – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.35, and his 9th save. Wherever I gave up on Holmes? Yeah, massive mistake.

Billy McKinney – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He sounds like a bit character from Peaky Blinders.  Tell Aberama Gold that Billy McKinney said eff off! McKinney’s working for the Yanks, ya can’t trust him! Also, because he’s not a very good hitter.

Harrison Bader – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 7th steal, as he was activated from the IL. Hey, this reminds me, whatever happened with Aaron Judge? Did he retire to become a mountain?