Build It And They Will Come Even If The Teams Suck

“Hologram Harry Caray leading the nation, nay, the world in Take Me Out To The Ballgame at the Field of Dreams game, wait, what’s this? Hologram Tupac, Hologram Babe Ruth and Hologram Barbara Bush have joined him, embracing. It’s East Coast, West Coast, Midcoast and Southcoast coming together, as only holograms can! If holograms can come together, then why can’t we, as people, come together? Rob Manfred has done it again!” *wavy lines* Oh my God, we’ve been inside a Rob Manfred’s dream sequence! It was a Field of Dreams dream! AHHH!!! I need to shower! So, the Field of Dreams game went off again without a hitch. Oops, I mean without a Hitch, meaning Will Smith and Kevin James both were not in attendance. For some reason, MLB thought the Reds and Cubs should be rewarded that showcase. If you’re going to have two teams who are trying to lose games, and dismantle its stars, then why not do a Major League theme in Cleveland? One thing baseball has is decent movies. Why not do a different one each year? Bull Durham theme one year in a MiLB park; The Natural theme one year in a lightning storm; The Rookie theme one year with all old players. The possibilities are endless! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nick Lodolo – 4 2.3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.72. The moment, solemn pause, the corn just seemed too much for him.

Tom Verducci thought this year’s movie they’re honoring is Witness pic.twitter.com/a1FlUjBgkA

— Razzball (@Razzball) August 11, 2022

Jonathan India – Left the game with an injury, because: of course. He’s been injured the entire year, and as soon as he gets healthy, he gets hurt again. Next year, when we’re all out on him, he’s gonna have the best year ever, and burn us all over again.

Drew Smyly – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.69. Streamonator hates his next start. but it’s against the Gnats, and what have we learned? All starts vs. the Gnats are good.

Vinnie Pasquantino – 1-for-2 and his 6th homer, and 3rd homer this week. Put some mozzarella on your schmotato for Vinnie Pasketti!

Zack Greinke – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.29. He’s going to be a Hall of Famer, yet there’s nothing being said about his final year, if this is it, which I have to assume it is. There’s been so little said about his final swan song that you would think he were in charge of the PR campaign.

Yasmani Grandal – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and first homer since May 16th. Has anyone got more cooked than Grandal? You talk about Bellinger and Yelich. I, a cultured man, talk about how Grandal was actually being drafted before Bellinger and Yelich in ADP and has three freakin’ homers while batting .204.

Andrew Vaughn – 2-for-5 and his 12th homer, hitting .297. Hurry up, La Russa, bench him!

Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.96. Thinking about having a team with McClanahan and Cease and my mom yelling at the bathroom door, “What are you doing in there so long?!”

Jarred Kelenic – Was sent down because he’s the worst hitter of all-time.

Steven Kwan – 1-for-3 and a slam (3) and legs (10). Would love to embarrass myself and go pull some old quotes of mine from April when I thought Kwan was going to be the best thing since sliced bread, and not even normally sliced bread, but like challah slices, while pronouncing like, “Holla!” How’sever, I won’t be doing any quote pulls because I’m lazy. I truly am shocked at how little power he turned out to have. Thought he was a 15-ish homer guy. He turned out to be the outfield version of Nick Madrigal. Call him Nick Whiffenpoof.

Javier Baez – 2-for-5 and his 11th homer, hitting .221. Real question: Javier Baez is going around 150th overall next year, are you in?

Zach Plesac – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.32. I’m convinced anyone that was good in 2020 isn’t really good. They just excel during pandemics. Let this monkeypox thing get out of control and I’ll draft Plesac again.

Eric Hosmer – 2-for-3, 1 RBI. Saw a report from the Red Sox that said Hosmer was back in the Red Sox lineup and it reminded me of a horror film when they realize the killer is in the house.

John Schreiber – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.80, and his 4th save. Oh, okay, so Cora’s gonna use Whitlock and Schreiber for multiple innings. All right, I guess that means they’re gonna share the closer job by natural elimination of who can and cannot throw again due to overuse.

Wynton Bernard – Rockies are calling up a 31-year-old rookie. Something feels profound about everyone watching a Costner cosplay, and the Rockies are playing a Dennis Quaid movie.

German Marquez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.08. After getting burned by Mikolas, I benched a good game by Jose Quintana and German Marquez. If Mikolas never happened, would I have started these other two? That’s the Sliding Doors dilemma where I find myself–Sorry! I was writing that in my diary. Wasn’t meant for you.

Ryan McMahon – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. Yeah, he’s in Coors. That’s what happens in Coors. He does well. We know this, right?

Brendan Rodgers – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .288. He’s gonna end the year around 15/.285 and 75 RBIs with zero steals, so Sherlock, is that good? *whispers* Not really. By the by, he had 12 steals in Double-A in 2018, and, in 235 MLB games, he’s attempted zero steals.

Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. Au Shizz!

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-5 and his 24th homer. I have the reasoning behind the Rockies trading away Arenado and $50 million right over here by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Nolan Gorman – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer. Just went to look to see if NoGo was in this afternoon’s Buy column, and he is not. Who was the joker who wrote that thing?!

Merrill Kelly – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.95. I saw he gave up four steals with all of them coming off Kelly/Kelly, so no wonder! That’s unfair, he can’t throw to himself.

Emmanuel Rivera – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last four games. He’s also not in this afternoon’s Buy, but he’s here now and if you want to pretend he’s in this afternoon’s Buy, then pretend away!

Max Fried – Hit the concussion IL. When asked how many fingers his coach was holding up, Max said, “Three,” and the coach was holding up his bare foot, so that’s a concussion.

Alex Bregman – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Basically worthless, and he has more homers than Carlos Correa, Randal Grichuk, Luis Robert, Joey Votto, Andrew Vaughn, J.D. Martinez. Just Doubles Martinez has nine homers! Yo, dubya tee eff?

Martin Maldonado – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. Martin Maldonado has three more homers than J.D. Martinez!

Framber Valdez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.73. Ya know how there’s cheering sections for certain players and they dress up like different things? There should be a Framber cheering section where they all dress up like a raspberry in the Fruit of the Loom-type way and call themselves Fram-boys. Yeah, I just give away million dollar ideas.

Cole Ragans – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.82. Someone who liked Friday Night Lights but can’t properly recall their favorite character says, “I liked Cole Ragans.”

Marcus Semien – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 17th homer. Solo homer in the 9th of a blowout. This guy is like Jeter with better defense and more power!

Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.29. This was the first game Kyle Gibson didn’t give up a homer in twelve years, said Elias Sports Bureau of It Feels Like It.

Edward Cabrera – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.05. Just gonna draft all Marlins starters next year. Don’t need to dare me, save your double dares, I’m just doing it in all leagues. Well, except Sandy, he’ll be too expensive. But give me your Ed-Cabs, Luzardos, Garretts, I’ll even get back in on your Pab-Lopii, because the price is gonna be reduced. Streamonator doesn’t like Ed-Cab’s next, but I could see starting him.

Max Muncy – Diagnosed with a hand contusion, and he wasn’t able to grip the bat. Now he’s gotta go handless at the urinal.

Shane Baz – Limited to plyometric exercises for at least two weeks. Plyometric exercises? What’s he doing, splitting paper towels?