Dressed in a tuxedo, Ron Kittle walks up to Leon Durham, looking fabulous in a red dress and high heels, and says, “It would be my pleasure to give you a lesson in marksmanship.” Leon scoffs, “You couldn’t give me a lesson in long-distance spitting.” Then they begin to go back and forth, “Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything, better than you.” “No, you can’t, Kris Bryant!” “Yes, I can, Carlos Rodon!” “No, you can’t, Kris Bryant!” “Yes, I can, Carlos Rodon!” “You four-eyed honkey, KRIS BRYANT!” “You four-eyed non-honkey, CARLOS RODON!” And so went the Annie Get Your Gun musical performed by the White Sox and Cubs alumni this weekend. Rodon is ready to perform, but why start his clock to pitch out of the bullpen? Unless the White Sox are sick of Noesi butting into their rotation where he doesn’t belong. I’d have to guess that’s what’s happening here. The White Sox are saying Rodon will work out of the bullpen, but within a week or two, he’ll be in the rotation. Why do we care? Because he can be the best pitching prospect call up of the season. Yes, he can! I’d own him in any league, but he’s likely gone. No, he can’t! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jose Quintana – 4 IP, 9 ER. Hey, Doc, I was just sitting, watching the White Sox game yesterday and eating Cheez Doodles. Not the Cheez Doodles that one buys from the store, but I take Cheez Whiz, doodle drawings onto wax paper and freeze them overnight. Any the hoo! In the middle of the first inning, I felt rectal bleeding coming from my fantasy team. Yes, I own Quintana. Ah, thank you. I was worried I would have to stop eating my frozen Cheez Whiz treats.
Anibal Sanchez – 3 1/3 IP, 9 ER. I didn’t like him/her in the preseason, but now there might be a buying opportunity. Well, not buying, but picking up the pieces after her/his current owner and drops him/her to waivers.
Victor Martinez – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 1 RBI. Tigers manager, Ausmus said, V-Mart is “certainly not 100 percent. Oy vey.” The writing was on the wall in the preseason and the wall was even labeled “Beware of V-Mart.” Oh, and in the game of Jew or not a Jew, Ausmus is a Jew. Jews seem to care about these things. For Google searches that come to our site, number one is (insert player’s name) + Wife, but a close second is (insert player’s name) + Jewish.
Shane Greene – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks. I’m not going to say anything other than listen to the podcast that’s coming later today for about an hour of Shane Greene talk. JB’s in love. Like, fo’reallies.
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and two homers (2, 3), hitting .300. The Usted form of Yoenis is Weownis, and I’m glad Weownis everywhere. Or You-no-ownenis?
Travis d’Arnaud – Fractured his hand and will miss close to six weeks. D’Arnaud know d’Armhand? D’Armhand very sorry. Let’s print that one and go over d’Armhand’s shoulder for a reverse. For the next six weeks, the Mets will go with Kevin Plawecki. Here’s what Prospect Mike said, “Once (Plawecki) does settle in (to the majors) he’ll be relevant in fantasy leagues thanks to an above average hit tool and average power. Speaking of tools, how about Grey Albright?” Hey! What’s that mean? For now, it would have to be a 2-catcher mixed or NL-Only league to get excited about Plawecki.
Matt Harvey – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, 3.50 ERA. As Ron Darling said while the Mets were wrapping up their, like, 20th win in their first 13 games, Harvey won’t be let off his leash this year because the Mets are hoping to get something from him in September. Listen (read), I was too cautious in the preseason with Harvey. I watched him yesterday and he looks terrific, but he doesn’t look like 2013 Harvey either. Not yet, at least.
Alex Torres – 1/3 IP, 0 ER. Nothing really to do with fantasy here (like the rest does!), but have you seen his hat? From the front, it looks a slide projector from the AV Club.
Jerry Blevins – Out with a fractured forearm. Eddie Haskell said that there was a candy bar on the roof, so Blevins climbed it and fell. Wah-WAH, Leave it to the Blevins.
Tom Koehler – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER. I feel like there’s a Sarah McLaughlin song for the amount of trust I put in Koehler and what he did with it. I want to grow out my armpit hair, go to Lilith Fair and buy a hemp poncho that reads, “I shower with women.”
J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs. His last name translates to exactamundo. If you lost d’Arnaud, I’d look at Realmuto in deeper leagues since he’s hitting and seems to have put the Wally Pipp on Saltalamacchia.
Alcides Escobar – Day-to-day with a strained knee. Alcides’s knee was strained after a hard slide by Brett Lawrie. Do they share a knee? Color me confused! *intern whispers in my ear* Oh! Lawrie slid into Alcides. Hard. Was it intentional? This isn’t the last we’re gonna hear about this!
Yordano Ventura – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER. So, on Saturday, Lawrie said he apologized for sliding hard into Alcides, but Alcides said he never received the apology, so on Saturday night, Ventura beaned Lawrie and was ejected. This shizz is better than Empire! Is Ventura the middle son? Can Cookie make him a star? Is he too effeminate for the Kansas City market? All of these questions and whether Yordano will be suspended coming up after the break!
Greg Holland – Hit the 15-day DL with a pectoral strain. Wade Davis will fill in. The Wade Davis that is owned everywhere, or should be. The Wade Davis that could be a top 5 closer if Holland can’t come back like it’s 1664.
Omar Infante – Left the game after straining his left groin. How many groins does he have?
Jesse Hahn – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 0 Ks but left the game with a blister and could miss his next start. That’s nice, I dropped him before this start. I ain’t got no time for bird sex and I don’t have time for starters that don’t strike players out in a 12-team mixed league. Can he get more Ks going forward? Talk to the Hahn cause the Grey don’t care.
Ben Zobrist – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs, and his 1st steal, but left in the middle of an inning probably because of Yordano. Zobrist is day-to-day with knee soreness, so be careful before you team starts once again rolling with Ben-Zo.
Scott Kazmir – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. 16 starts to go before we sell!
Masahiro Tanaka – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Blahrays. Looking for that opportunity to sell and not that low? You have about three days more of goodwill before Tanaka goes sideways vs. the Tigers.
Michael Pineda – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.00. Yeah, that’s not exactly Jell-o on the backside of a Kardashian standing next to a TV playing Game of Thrones, but Pineda peripherals look good, and I’d try to hold tight.
Steven Souza – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .289. His home run call that I want every announcer to use, “Triangle, snare drum, Souza!”
Adam Wainwright – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Mike Leake 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. Marge Schott’s family was in attendance, cheering on Leake. Unfortunately, they brought with them K signs.
Jordan Walden – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save because Rosenthal worked… Uh… One day in the last five days? Huh? I grabbed Walden in one league because this feels like one of those situations where the club says nothing, then in a few days, suddenly, Rosenthal has a torn flexor tendon.
Garrett Richards – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks as he returned from the DL. He looked rusty. More Rusty Staub than Rusty Kuntz. Rusty nevertheless.
C.J. Cron – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Such a joke how little he’s playing. He’s a 25-homer hitter that is being benched. I’m pretty sure even Walt Weiss would play him. Effin’ Sciosciapath.
Luis Valbuena – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (1), hitting .211, which was the 3rd best average in the Astros starting lineup. Sometimes opportunity converges in just the right way and I can’t imagine a better scenario for Valbuena. On the Astros, he’s the tallest midget. No offense, Altuve.
Danny Salazar – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks and it was announced he would stay in the rotation. No kidding, really? Wow, what a surprise. You mean McAllashitter isn’t better? What a shock. Ow, eye roll headache! As I said the other day, I’d own Salazar in every league. At one point, I had him ranked in the top 40 overall for starters.
T.J. House – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 14.14. Maybe McAllashitter might have room in the Indians’ rotation after all.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Since y’all love when we talk about my teams, let’s just say my NFBC offense with Santana, Souza, Pacman Jones and Hanley is doing prettttay, prettttay good. The pitching? I had to start Hellickson.
Torii Hunter – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .225. This update was brought to you by the Committee to Inform Snitches That Torii Hasn’t Retired.
Trevor Plouffe – 3-for-4, run. He also hit a homer on Friday. Plouffe usually gets very hot schmotatoey for quick periods of time, so I’d grab him if I were hurting at corner infidel.
Jake Peavy – And we have our first Disgraceful List stint. Was Peavy hurt or just ineffective? Ah, the speculation of that very subject will be discussed way after we’re all dead and gone or at least until TI’s Dead and Gone is done playing on my iTunes.
Tim Hudson – 5 IP, 5 ER. Looking like the Giants of old. Very old.
Nori Aoki – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .339. Will he ever cool off? Not to answer but to ponder.
A.J. Pollock – 3-for-5, 2 runs and hitting .356. Finally, Pollock looks like the Polished hitter we were all expecting. Pun points!
Jeremy Hellickson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks. Okay, but outside of deep leagues I’m still not interested aside from as a streamer because of the potential for a steamer. Pithy points!
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Au shizz!
Chris Owings – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd steal, hitting .195. Owning Owings has been trying trying, but hopefully this is the start of something.
Daniel Norris – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER vs. the Braves. I will call him Dnaiel Noris, because he looks so close to the Daniel Norris that I imagined in the offseason, yet something is just a little off. I still like Dnaiel (has good stuff — wubba wubba wubba), but you can’t own him in anything shallower than a 15-team mixed league until he figures his shizz out.
Devon Travis – Hit by a pitch and left the game with a rib contusion. I blame Yordano. I liked Yordano better before he was playing the heavy. I’m literally praying Travis is okay. Literally in a Southern Baptist church, surrounded by friendly faces, and forming a prayer hexagon.
Shelby Miller – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Jays. It seems as if the Jays are the 1927 Jays one game and then the 1979 Jays another game with a bunch of Rance Nogoodniks.
Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. I feel like there’s another level with Cole that we’re not seeing yet. Something that indicates a big game pitcher. That doesn’t mean I want to come to the mound with ketchup on his sock either.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Looking like he was one of those weird playing time bargains in the preseason. His playing time looked iffy at best, maybe platoony at worst, and now he looks like a top ten corner man.
Kyle Hendricks – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 6.10. The Stream-o-Nator called this one, but is lukewarm on his next start vs. PIT. I just want to hear Hendricks play The Star Spangled Banner on the electric guitar. I hear it’s amazing.
Kris Bryant – 1-for-3 and got on base five times on Saturday (3 BBs). The buckets that Cubs fans are using to pee in at the exits of Wrigley now look like they were used to a milk a cow.
Justin Upton – Day-to-day with a quad strain. N, that’s what Justin’s up to.
Will Middlebrooks – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. So hard to suggest you grab him in mixed leagues, because once I do he’ll likely go ice cold, but I have been rocking him in a 15-team league, and have been less than disappointed, which I think means I haven’t been disappointed. It’s like that couldn’t care less thing. So confusing!
Yangervis Solarte – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 1st homer, hitting .357. The Padres have figured out what they have with Solarte: a spark plug. Even with Jerko in the lineup at 2nd, Solarte was squeezed in at 1st base. If you need counting stats and average, I’d look at Yangervis.
Andrew Cashner – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 2.65. His velocity is up, his K-rate is kinda bonkers good, and, of course, Petco. I didn’t love Cashner coming into the year, but I’m comin’ around like Bubba Sparxxx.
Brandon McCarthy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. Shame, that’s just not going to make his ERA minus xFIP look very good.
Joc Pederson – 2-for4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .289. Mattingly moved him all the way up to the 7-hole. Only six more holes to ecstasy.
Howie Kendrick – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Howie like me now!
Justin Turner – 4-for-5, 1 RBI as he played third. Hey, whatever keeps Guerrero off the field, right, Mattingly?
Carlos Martinez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 2.08. His ERA looks pristine, but his peripherals are saying something else. Hopefully Car-Ma doesn’t come back to haunt us.
Homer Bailey – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER as he returned from the DL. Looks like he didn’t miss a beat!
Billy Hamilton – Day-to-day with a strained groin. TMI!
Stephen Strasburg – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Now that’s the kind of start I was expecting from Strasburg! Yeah, it was against the Phils. Don’t kill my buzz, Random Italicized Voice. Please, on 4/20? No chance of that. Very funny, RIV. Not really, it’s just you’re stoned.
Yunel Escobar – MRI on his groin showed inflammation. That’s what the MRI machine said! The Nats are hoping Yunel, and presumably his groin, can return on Tuesday.
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER (2 more unearned), 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks. After his last start, I said you should sell him low. This start was not a step in the right direction. A guy who earns his living on control has four walks and 3 Ks vs. the Phillies? That’s hideous. The only way he helped you here was since there were two unearned runs, the official line doesn’t look that bad and it allows you to sell him a little less low.
James Paxton – 2 2/3 IP, 2 ER (5 unearned). Let’s see, bunt single, reached on an error, infield single, two fielder’s choices and about seven runs scored. What a joke. Against the Rangers no less. Or maybe that’s Paxton no more…on my team…I hate you. Ugh, then I look at the Stream-o-Nator and I see he faces the Twins next. Pretty much damned if you do, and damned if you drop. If you lose him, he will pitch well. If you hold him, he will be rocked again. Depends on the league, but I can see moving on.
Nelson Cruz – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and two more homers (7, 8). I suggest after his home run trot, he touches home plate, then mimes sticking a needle in his butt.
Austin Jackson – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Took three years but the smelling salts arrived.
Leonys Martin – 3-for-6, 1 run as he hit leadoff. Hoping the Odor experiment is over. Just for the smell of it.
Neftali Feliz – 1 1/3 IP, 2 ER. Nothing quite like having a closer that doesn’t get many chances, and then blows some that he gets. I mean that quite literally, it’s like having nothing.
Rick Porcello – 5 IP, 8 ER, 15 baserunners, 6 Ks. I haven’t watched much Red Sox baseball this year yet, but I imagine the announcers refer to their Red Sox pitchers with adjectives like, “gutsy,” “brave,” and “valiant” because they can’t say shitty on TV.
Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. He’s doing his part to try to carry the Sawx to 10-8 victories.
Adam Jones – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 5th home run, hitting .457. Player of the Month honors are about as auspicious as winning Hell’s Kitchen, but I have to think Jones has the lead (and that blonde girl on HK).
Miguel Gonzalez – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Sawx. Revisionist History 101, I like Gonzalez, just not that much against the Red Sox. Revisionist History 102 will be about how I don’t like him that much against the Jays either. Revisionist History 103 will be about how the Indians mascot is actually a drunk Chinese man and that mascot has been insulting a whole different ethnic group this whole time.
Ryan Flaherty – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and now has a full-time job. You could do worse in deep leagues. I just can’t think of who that worse player would be off the top of my head.
Jonathan Schoop – To the DL with a PCL tear after Pablo Sandoval slid hard into him. Schoop could be out the entire season. Sandoval apologized afterwards. Sandoval said he mistook the dirt on the bag for graham cracker crust on a marshmallow and was anxious to find out where the chocolate was hiding or if it was an imposter S’more.
