Effin Strasburg hit the DL on Saturday, which came a day after he pitched five outs of one-run baseball. Compared to his previous starts, Effin looked remarkably better. If he threw 27 outs, that would’ve roughly been a five-run game and way below his ERA. I had the cork to pop and cigars to hand out, but he left that game with what he deemed neck tightness. Funny, because I have tightness in my chest when he pitches. I think it’s related. “Hello, Aetna service representative, a fine day to you, ma’am. I was just calling to see if I can take out extra health insurance on the ol’ ticker when Effin Strasburg is pitching. I can? That’s great news. Chirinos!” That’s me talking to my insurance provider. So, Stephen Strasburg has neck tightness as he hit the DL. His velocity has looked good, his BABIP is ridiculously unlucky, but his control is a mess. That would indicate to me that he’s a buy low, because his neck might be the reason behind his control problems. That was why I traded Jose Bautista for him in one league. *opens patio door, climbs to top of railing, jumps, lands in pool on top of inflatable shark* Dah! Right now, I wouldn’t do the same trade. Strasburg, or any pitcher, is too risky to trade for if injured. I’m hoping us Strasburg owners get him back in two weeks and he’s fixed. A prayer triangle anyone? Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Michael Taylor – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer on Saturday. If he were batting on top of the lineup, he’d have more value this year than Werth would’ve if he stayed healthy. Zoinks! But very unzoinks-like, Taylor has been batting eighth, which is the DDT on fantasy value as applied by Jake “The Snake” Roberts. By the by, how long do we have to wait for a Jake “The Snake” Roberts bio-pic starring Dabney Coleman?
Tanner Roark – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.59. He’s usually not quite as bad as Fister with Ks, but he does leave something to be desired, which is odd because usually a Fister leaves nothing to be desired.
Johnny Cueto – Will be ready to go on Tuesday, after being briefly sidelined with inflammation in his pitching elbow. Not to scream fire in the theater of Razzball, but I think there’s only around a 50% chance Cueto pitches well on Tuesday and has no more issues.
Todd Frazier – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .287. Remember the first six weeks when you were like, “Well, I don’t have Frazier, but he’s just hitting homers and nothing else with a lousy average?” Yeah, you can’t say that anymore.
Brandon Phillips – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He’s been hitting leadoff, but he was also hitless for the last week. That door is a push.
Addison Reed – 1 IP, 0 ER. The Diamondbacks really want Reed to be the closer, and said that this weekend. I picked him up in one league, but he’s a Brain Freeze with a chance for a closplosion at any moment.
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-4, 4 BBs and his 15th homer on Sunday, and homered twice on Saturday. How many people skipped Au Shizz in the preseason due to wrist concerns? Should we now be concerned about your wrists?
David Peralta – Left yesterday’s game after a bunt attempt went kersplat on his middle finger. An injury is one way to separate the wheat from the chaff in the Diamondbacks outfield. By the by, I want to start a men’s bathing suit line called “Separate The Meat From The Chafe.” Find me on Kickstarter to invest!
A.J. Pollock – 3-for-7, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 12th steal. Not bad for a Pollock. What? His brother, Billy Pollock just isn’t that good.
Chase Anderson – 5 IP, 6 ER. The Regression Fairies have rainbow spandex they wear on special occasions, they used to have a lisp and they will course-correct the shizz out of your ratios.
Khris Davis – Will undergo surgery on Tuesday for a torn meniscus. This sounds much worse than it is. I had Davis, Souza, Aoki and Maybin with only three spots in my outfield for them, and now I can play everyone. Oh, I thought we were talking about me! Yeah, sorry, this is bad for Davis. He’s likely out for months.
Adam Lind – 0-for-1, but didn’t start yesterday with a back injury. He’s trying to put it behind him. *high fives self* Ow, carpal tunnel!
Jean Segura – 4-for-8, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .282. Quite a few people asking if they should own Segura. Those people are obviously new. Welcome! For a Cliff Notes version of Segura on Razzball: Segura is the best ranked shortstop his rookie year, Grey never stops talking about that (right here, for instance), Grey ranks Segura higher than just about any other ‘pert for two years straight and Grey tells everyone to pick up Segura repeatedly. That pretty much sums up the last three years.
Jason Rogers – 2-for-7, 1 run. I Googled Rogers for a picture of him. Not that it matters, but I wanted to get a feel for him. I’ll tell you what, he looks like a ballplayer.
Matt Garza – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 5.52. Solid enough start, but I wouldn’t trust him unless every game started in the 12th.
Martin Maldonado – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, the walk-off in the 17th inning. He’s in no way related to Candy Maldonado, but he is related to Twizzler Maldonado. I thought that was interesting.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .284. Some of youse have been talking about how Arenado is actually hitting better on the road. Yeah, because the Rockies have played only 21 games at home, the least amount of home games, and those home games have come in mostly awful weather. “The hottest summer I ever encountered is a hitter in Coors in June, July and August.” That’s a Mark Twain quote.
DJ LeMahieu – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .335. A DJ hasn’t broke out to this extent since Marley Marl dropped The Symphony.
Erasmo Ramirez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. You can fool all of the people some of the time, but you can’ fool some of the– Wait, you can fool all of the some people– No, that’s wrong. You can’t fool me about Erasmo!…Well, except in this one deep league where I looked to add him. Though, I wouldn’t in most leagues.
Steven Souza – 3-f0r-5, 3 RBIs with his 10th homer. Last week, I was so excited Souza injured himself on a Sunday, so I could bench him in a weekly league. He returned on Friday and hit three homers in three days. Totally love that. Big, big fan. I typed the preceding while banging my head on the keyboard.
Joey Butler – 4-for-5, hitting .342. Fun fact! On planet, Thesaurium, there’s a 1st baseman named Joey Manservant hitting .342, too. Back on planet earth, Butler isn’t this good, and is sporting a .478 BABIP.
David DeJesus – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBIs and his 5th homer. Has been hitting, but doesn’t play every day. That’s kinda like the entire Rays lineup besides Souza and Evan Longoria (0-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI). Well, Longoria plays every day, but doesn’t hit.
Brad Boxberger – 2/3 IP and his 15th save. Mean’s while, Jake McGee pitched in the 7th. Not sure where we left off on Friday with this shituation, but Boxberger still looks like the go-to guy. Weird, because a Boxberger sounds like a White Castle, and that usually leads to runs.
Adam Jones – Day-to-day with an ankle sprain. Must be hurting him because he’s the kind of guy that plays 160-ish games a year. Not like, say, Glass Chipper. Speaking of Chipper Jones (only because I forced him into the conversation), check out this exchange he had on Twitter with an autograph seeker. Stay glassy, Chipper!
Delmon Young – 3-for-4 and two solo homers, his first homers of the year. He said he’s hit more homers, but the Jewish media isn’t reporting it.
Manny Machado – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and two homers (7, 8), hitting .270. Arenado, Donaldson and Frazier are easy the top three 3rd baseman. After that, it gets more complicated. Bryant is likely four, but then Chris Davis? Machado? Carpenter? Pretty much a coin flip. A coin with an eagle on one side and a mustache on the other side.
Justin Verlander – Allowed three runs in 2 2/3 IP of a minor league game. Sounds like he’s got a long way to go if he wants to be a minor league middle reliever.
Justin Bour – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, and third in a week. JB and I talk a little bit about Bour on the podcast that’s coming later today. I mention how I might’ve been wrong in pegging Bour as simply a Loney clone (a Cloney? George Cloney?). Maybe Bour’s got more power. Either way, or eithurrr way if Chingy’s reading, I’d grab Bour for a hot schmotato run.
David Phelps – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.50. He’s the kind of pitcher that is very valuable in NL-Only leagues, and is a streamer in mixed leagues. The Stream-o-Nator hates his next start, and I agree.
Wilmer Flores – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Only one homer off the Mets team lead.
Danny Salazar – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.79. Every time Salazar throws, I prepare myself to be elated with his stuff finally matching the results. Like 7 IP, 0 ER, 14 Ks elated. And every time, I get 5 IP, 3 ER. Dubya tee eff, doode, match my expectations already!
Brandon Moss – 4-for-7, 1 run. Reinventing himself as a slap hitter, huh? Not quite Miley from Disney to pasties on her nipples, but okay.
Ryan Raburn – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Yeah, but he’s not very good. Ooh…Raburn.
Jose Abreu – X-rays were negative on Saturday, but he’s day-to-day with a swollen thumb. Robin Ventura said, “It looked like he had an air hose stuck in his thumb.” An air hose? What does that even mean? I could see if he said it was swollen like Jon Niese’s nose, but an air hose stuck in it? Sounds like Ventura’s been hit on the head too many times by Nolan Ryan.
Adam LaRoche – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, and two homers in the last 4 games. It’s time for LaRock. I say, the Mitch is over, the Mitch is over, biddy-bye-bye, Moreland!
John Danks – 9 IP, 0 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.81. Gavin Floyd liked this start once on Facebook, then logged back in as his wife and liked it again.
Dallas Keuchel – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks vs. the White Sux, and his ERA is now down to 1.76. Have I mentioned that he shouldn’t be pitching this well? Okay, I’ll add to that, I sure wish I owned him while he was pitching inconceivably incredible.
Jake Marsinick – 2-for-3 and, on Saturday, 1-for-2 with a steal. Don’t worry, I’m cyclops’ing him. You’re welcome! Or your welcome, if you majored in gym.
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-3 and…WHERE’S CORREA?! Sorry, my shift key is sticky for some reason.
Yasiel Puig – Could begin rehab next week. Mattingly said this was great news, the sooner he can get Alex Guerrero out of the lineup, the better! He said that while Alex Guerrero was homering.
Carlos Frias – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.29. His fastball averages 95.7 MPH and his K-rate is 5.6. Sounds like Wily Peralta and Eovaldi and everyone else that throws really hard and has no K-rate to show for it. There should be a glossary term for pitchers like that. Please suggest in the comments.
Joc Pederson – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, hitting .258. I usually don’t talk about OBP, but Pederson’s .387 is damn impressive for a rookie. Lot of season left, but he could sneak out a 25 HR, 10 SB, .260 season, which would be better than all outfielders, except for maybe seven to ten. The only real question is do I rank him in the top 25 next year, and above Springer?
Carlos Martinez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.13. Yeah, I might’ve gave up on him an itsy, bitsy, teeny, weeny bit too soon. Like my dog, Ted, after he’s got into the trash, I don’t love his walks (4 BB/9), but when they’re coming with only one or two hits, I could live with it.
Chi Chi Gonzalez – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 2 Ks in his first major league start, and could stay in the Rangers rotation. Also, Chi Chi Gonzalez shot 30 on the back nine for a three under par. Chi Chi shanks quite a few with his control, but is able to get a lot of grounders that don’t find holes, which is actually a good thing here. He’s a 5+ K/9 guy that I wouldn’t touch outside of AL-Only leagues.
Adrian Beltre – Will miss a couple of weeks with a jammed thumb that he suffered trying to break up a double play. That’s funny, because I don’t remember Breaking Up Double Plays as a fantasy category in my league! Who’s managing him? Obviously not a fantasy manager! The Rangers could turn to Adam Rosales to fill-in. Yeah, definitely not a fantasy manager there. A fantasy manager would never play him.
Joe Kelly – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Maybe the emergence of Eduardo Rodriguez has lit a fire under Kelly’s heat. It’s a nice story for real baseball reporters, who need to fill pages, but it’s nonsense and I still wouldn’t go near Kelly.
Xander Bogaerts – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. Elsewhere in this game, Hanley Ramirez (2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI stole his 2nd bag), Blake Swihart (1-for-4, stole his first), Mookie Betts (1-for-4, 1 run, stole his 8th) and Rusney Castillo (2-for-4, stole his first). I guess what I’m saying, is Bogaerts allergic to helping his fantasy owners? Steal an effin’ bag, they’re giving them away!
Wil Myers – Took swings on a tee. They say the great hitters see everything in slow motion, so if Wil happens to freeze frame the slow motion shot of the pitch, then swing through it like he’s being filmed by the Wachowskis, he’s progressing.
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. See what a few hundred people asking to drop him can do?
Odrisamer Despaigne – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Once a Hodgepadre, always a Hodgepadre.
Will Middlebrooks – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and three homers in the last week. Middlebrooks, or as I like to call him on my team, Cornerbrooks, has been hot, and is worth taking a flyer on. Do I think it lasts long? He’s burned me bad in the past, so I have my doubts.
Yordano Ventura – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 4.26. Definitely hasn’t been great watching Ventura so far this year (unless you’re into MMA), but if he throws a few more decent games in a row, he’ll have a 3.50 ERA, which is about what I’d expect from him.
Tsuyoshi Wada – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.30. Hey, Wada know, he went against one of the best offenses, and still threw a solid game.
Sean Doolittle – Hit the DL again with renewed soreness in his rotator cuff, i.e., Tyler Clippard will be the closer for the year. Well, unless he Mr. Bungles the job completely. Doolittle’s not returning this year is my guess, and my guess is bond. *pounds fist with computer screen* Power to my people! I wouldn’t be surprised if I were Huey Newton in a past life. Though our lives did overlap for a few years. Hmm, I wonder how that works.
Jesse Chavez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 2.11. Here’s a good laugh: the A’s actually started the year with Chavez in their bullpen.
Billy Burns – 3-for-4, 2 runs and 2 steals (8, 9). J-FoH made Burns his Creeper of the Week yesterday, which is cheating because Burns should be owned in all leagues.
Stephen Vogt – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .322. Aren’t you glad you drafted Lucroy in the 6th round? Or the 2nd round, like someone in my Tout Wars league.
Adam Warren – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.75. Due to his K and walk rate, Warren’s not even really a streamer, and the Stream-o-Nator agrees for at least his next start.
Joe Panik – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. You know who the Giants are? The Cardinals West. They get these players to contribute out of nowhere and pay nothing for them.
Santiago Casilla – 2/3 IP, 3 ER and 4 ER in his last two appearances. It’s a new week, and a new closer in trouble. Casilla’s setup man, Sergio Romo, was a lights out closer for a few years and looks even better this year. If you have room, I’d stash him like he can stash a baby in his beard.
Juan Uribe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd in as many games. “I told you we should’ve never traded him!” That’s Mattingly. Uribe is the type to get crazy hot for about a week at a time, so I could see a hot schmotato here.
Julio Teheran – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 1 K, and the Giants hit two homers off him (Brandon Crawford 1-for-4, 7th homer) and Brandon Belt (2-for-3, 7th homer). My point? How did Teheran only give up three runs? Was this part of some sort of rehabilitation plan for Teheran set out by the UN?
Trevor Plouffe – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Will this hot schmotato ever cool off? Not to answer, but to sigh and wonder.
Aaron Hicks – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 3rd steal. I can’t wait for Hicks to face Buck Farmer, and Farmer drops his ball and glove and Hicks drops his bat and they meet halfway between the mound and plate and hug. Hicks has 35-steal speed, but if you’re not picking up Burns, you sure as heckfire shouldn’t be picking up Hicks. Or is that hicking up? Hmm.
Drew Hutchison – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.26. Okay, but if your league has a category called Peripherals, Hutchison has been solid.
Devon Travis – Shut down for a week with a setback with his shoulder. Logan Forsythe never had a setback with anything. I’m fickle, y’all!
Ezequiel Carrera – 2-for-4, 1 run. Fun fact! Ezequiel Carrera was a horse carriage made by Porsche for the Amish community.
