After Reynaldo Lopez‘s last start of 2/3 IP, 6 ER, I wrote him off for this year and next year.  Now, I will begin a backpedal not seen since the bear at the circus who can ride a bicycle. “Beaux-Bo, you can’t pedal so close to that family of three eating a turkey leg. Beaux-Bo, stop it! Beaux-Bo, no! Beaux-Bo, no! Beaux-Bo, put down that torso!” And that’s the final written transcription of Beaux-Bo, the bicycle riding bear. Actually, I’m going to backpedal my backpedal, so, eat a D, Beaux-Bo, the bicycle-riding bear! I was serious last week when I said I’m outlawing pitchers who start a game, give up 5+ runs and can’t get out of the 1st. They’re completely untrustworthy, so it’s not surprising Lopez would have a start of 9 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 5.17. That’s the problem!  What are we getting next time out?  3 IP, 6 ER? 7 IP, 2 ER? No one has any idea. Listen, I know there’s uncertainty in this crazy thing called fantasy (worst Queen song ever), but I’m not inviting more risk. I’m still out on Lopez. Sorry, gotta put my foot down, even if I’m writing this from an anti-gravity chamber where I can eat turkey legs without fear of a bicycle bear attack.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Welington Castillo – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .209.  Where’s the boeuf?! (Hopefully not on your teams.)

Zach Plesac – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.98. Sigh. That should’ve been a cakewalk like a Willians Astudillo fashion show, and it turned out to be an ‘Apollo Creed’s manager screaming to throw the towel’ start. Plesac could be tired, so no matter what the Streamonator says about his next start, I’m done with him.

Glenn Sparkman – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.97. Oddly enough, Sparkman isn’t even a matchup guy.

Brandon Dixon – 1-for-3 and his 15th homer. And they said Bra-Dix couldn’t get any traction. Just need the Sparkman.

Dawel Lugo – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Sparkman tried to groove a pitch and Dawel lurched forward with, “Lugo’s there?!”

Matt Boyd – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.57. Gonna be tough to peg Boyd next year. He doesn’t seem matchup-dependent as much as ‘Will he give up a bunch of bombs and be unstartable?’ dependent. That’s a hard guy to recommend in any leagues. Much prefer someone who you know you have to sit on the road or in bad matchups.

Craig Kimbrel – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. I might be forgetting someone, but I think my drafting of Kimbrel this year was my worse pick in ten years. It’s not that he was bad — oh, he was bad — but he took up a bench spot for four months and I never draft top closers, and only grabbed him because I figured he’d sign in March and was at a discount. A terrible pick by me. Rowan Wick looks like the clearcut replacement, which means Pedro Strop will get saves. I kid. Kinda. I grabbed Wick, though.

Willson Contreras – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, and has now homered in every game since he returned from the IL (2). He could homer every game the rest of the year and I’ll have no chance of owning him next year. Roberto Perez or bust, baby.

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 34th homer, hitting .239. Schwarber hits 40 homers in the 1st person, erotic fan fiction novel, “You’re Getting Schwarber,” by Joe Buck, so we’ll see how prescient he is.

Cory Spangenberg – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. His stats are so similar to Fernando Tatis Jr. I can’t decipher a difference.

Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. How bad has his 2nd half been?  Audience refrain, “How bad he is?” In the 1st half, he had 19 homers. You can do the math.

Bo Bichette – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer, hitting .329. If this was any other year, we’d think Dante Bichette had a baby with Barry Bonds. This year? Yeah, it’s solid, I guess.

Kean Wong – 0-for-2 as he was called up by the Rays. Not saying the Rays and the Cards are about to enter into a pissing contest, but the Rays’ Wong is two inches longer. His minor league numbers (10 HRs, 6 SBs, .307) look like literally every middle infielder in the Rays’ system. Yo, Rays, you breeding boring middle infidels? I will call him, Wongy Wendell. Either way, we don’t know if the Rays will play with Wong (for fear of blindness), but he’s best left for AL-Only leagues for now.

Max Fried – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.86. You know what’s coming, right? You know, right? Fried’s going to throw 160 IP in the regular season, 30 more in the postseason and, when you draft him next March, his arm is going to fall off.

Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.05.  Kazaam! Melancon is, like, 47 years old and being made to throw every day. He really needed to be called in for a game that wasn’t a save situation?

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (37) and legs (34). Tildaddy says he needs another beer!

Victor Robles – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .251. Robles has quietly become a top 75 overall player on the Player Rater. (Less quiet now, obviously.)

David Price – Won’t start on Friday, due to pain in his wrist. Who says there’s no injury risks in eSports?

Michael Chavis – Unlikely to return this year. Wonder if he’ll even be drafted in shallower mixed leagues next year. My guess is no, but I failed my psychic exam, which I saw coming from a mile away.

Mookie Betts – 2-for-4 and his 26th homer, hitting .291. Mookie Best!

Nathan Eovaldi – 5 IP, 1 hit, 4 walks, 1 ER, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.77 vs. Martin Perez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.75. This matchup pitted 95 MPH fastball vs. a 98 MPH fastball as Bob Feller rolled over in his grave faster than either of them could strike anyone out.

Kolby Allard – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.78. I’ll admit to getting cold feet yesterday about the Streamonator liking Allard’s start vs. the O’s. Put on some socks and stop being a chicken!

Nick Solak – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .321. He’s now hit in all but four games since he was called up on August 20th, and he’s walking a ton (.429 OBP). He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy, because there’s about thirty other 2nd basemen currently hitting, but Solak looks decent. Compared to Odor, he looks like Rogers Hornsby. Call him, Nick Hornsby, and have him write some dude lit!

John Means – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.50. Not a bad piece for the Red Sox next year. What, you didn’t hear? O’s pitchers are the Sawx’s farm system.

Michael Lorenzen – 0-for-3 as he played center field. Not only is he playing the field, but he’s playing one of the most demanding positions. Next up, he plays all the positions and pitches at the same time, like a 3rd grade stickball game.

Jose Iglesias – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Like some crazy Abel Ferrara fever dream, I made Iglesias a batty call, and now since he could be a hot schmotato, I might hold for a few. Though, he won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s here now.

Eugenio Suarez – 3-for-5 and his 41st homer, hitting .264. I’m hoping for Suarez to win the home run title and Hanser Alberto to win the AL batting title for the slack-jawed expressions.

Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.75. I can already hear me cursing myself for going back in on Gray next year yet I can’t stop myself from Gray. The duality of man enters into a duel, will Gray or Grey leave?

J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 22nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. The Phils would’ve been better off getting Realmuto and no one else. No McCutchen (more because he’s been injured all year), no Harper, no Bruce, no Vargas, no Segura, no nobody. By the way, a septuplet negative is a positive.

Harold Ramirez – 1-for-4 with his 10th homer, hitting .270. He was the 249th player to reach 10 homers this year (Seriously.) It was a new record that was surpassed two hours later with Bo Bichette, and will likely be broken again by the time you read this. Giancarlo Stanton is the only player to not hit ten homers this year.

Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer, hitting .333. Reynolds is only the 3rd Pirates switch hitter to homer from both sides of the plate in one game, joining Dale Sveum and Bobby Bonilla, which I think means the mets owe Reynolds a million dollars. Also, Coolwhip just gave you his Bryan Reynolds fantasy.

Josh Bell – 2-for-4 and his 36th homer. I think I projected him for 17 homers this year, but, after his 1st half, only 36 homers by this point feels like a disappointment. *lifts glass, makes toast* Here’s to new expectations being a buzzkill.

Kyle Tucker – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Quick, Hinch, get him out of the lineup!

Wade Miley – 0 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.35. Sorry, Miley, rules are rules and I can’t draft you next year.

Kyle Seager – 2-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 20th and 21st homer, hitting .252. Great, now Corey’s gonna get more crap from his mom.

Austin Nola – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, hitting .277. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because I can’t bring myself to believe you’d pick up Austin Nola without thinking someone dropped the Philly pitcher and you could use the innings.

Mike Trout – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 45th homer, hitting .293. From fish comes life, from Trout comes baseball, from drums comes Phil Collins. — Book of Genesis.

Mark Canha – 1-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column as he has been for the last three weeks. He won’t have time to break Ty Wigginton’s 12 weeks in a row record, at least not this year. Does that carry over to the next year? Will need to talk to Elias.

Marcus Semien – 4-for-4, 3 runs and his 8th steal, hitting .277. If he ends the year with a 30/10/.285 line (possible), does that change your opinion of him for next year? Feel like he’s becoming a sneaky top 100 overall guy.

Logan Webb – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.50. If you started Webb outside of San Fran, you deserved this. *quickly checks my teams to make sure I didn’t start Webb outside of San GFran and deserve this* Turns out I didn’t deserve this, but thought I might.

Paul DeJong – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Colonel Mustard in the pantry with the Nilla Wafers!

Dakota Hudson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.40. Never thought I’d be so happy to stream the Hudson. Just floating along with the Hudson stream, passing an insane crazy BABIP, a goofy terrible K/9, an almost as bad BB/9, a 1997 Fila sneaker and toxic waste.