Winter Meetings? More like Snoozy Meetings! We need more action, which is why I bring you my proposal: Trades are now made with a pitch clock! “Hey, welcome to the Nashville Ramada, the Padres will be discussing Juan Soto trades in the Beige conference room that smells like sausage and onions from last night’s wedding that took place there. Padres will be fielding offers for thirty seconds from each team. Pirates, I see you getting ready to offer one of your two catcher prospects. Don’t do it. No one wants a catcher. Okay, good luck and may the best team named the New York Yankees win!” That’s Rob Manfred adding excitement into the Winter Meetings. Is it me (it’s not me) or did it feel like only one team was ever in the running for Juan Soto? I hear what you’re thinking about salary, but this was a trade. Orioles couldn’t have sent one of their 22 top prospects for number 22 and covered his salary for one year? Marlins couldn’t have sent Eury and ponied up $25 million? Red Sox didn’t have Jarren and a Houck? Every team should’ve been in the running, but it felt like only one team was. Any hoodle, a callback, then the stuff.

Sexy Dr. Pepper is the biggest disconnect between “Grey who loves real baseball” and “Grey who loves fantasy baseball.” In real baseball, I’d start a team with Juan Soto. In fantasy, well, he’s not ranked number one. His Statcast page is ridunk beautiful, but he finished 16th overall on the Player Rater last year, and I understand why. Sexy Dr. Pepper is one of those guys who gives us fantasy baseball people a bad name, because real baseball fans will drool and be like, “Have you seen his walk rate?” And we’ll be like, “Meh, he’s going to only steal 12 bags and hit .285,” then we get noogied. The noogie is deserved, but we have to take that noogie for the game we love. I am more intrigued about him in Yankee Stadium with his power, but invariably you jack up a guy’s jacks because of his new park and he ends up basically the same as it ever was. Don’t let that sour you, I still love Sexy Dr. Pepper and am ready to drink up his caramel-colored-shake. I drink it up! For 2024, I’ll give Juan Soto projections of 114/41/112/.286/12 in 559 ABs. Either way, excited for Juan Soto, he has a chance to play on a huge stage and show the world what he can do (get booed going 0-for-1 with three walks when the Yankees are only playing .550 ball in May). Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason in 2024 fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! I’m going to begin rolling out my 2024 fantasy baseball rankings on the Patreon starting today. Don’t wait for the rankings to come out next month. Anyway II, the roundup:

Trent Grisham – Also traded to the Yanks. Damn, looks like Aaron Judge will be in a platoon now.

Alex Verdugo – Traded to the Yanks. Say what you want about Alex Cora, and I’ve said my share, but he’s nothing if not predictable. If you were following last year, around July, he decided he hated Verdugo. His number one mandate must’ve been get rid of Verdugo. He hated him so much, the Red Sox dealt with the Yankees! In the trade, the Red Sox were able to acquire right-handers Richard Fitts, Greg Weissert and Nicholas Judice. Hey, if the Dick Fitts…  (On a slightly sadder note, the Red Sox turned Mookie Betts into Dick Fitts, the worst named condom.) So, Verdugo for fantasy, there’s a case to be made that he’s really not that different than his ex-teammate Yoshida, who is going 150 picks or more before him, but, guess what, I’m not making that case. Is Yoshida really worth 150 picks more than Verdugo? Nah, not at all. But Verdugo is so boring it’s impossible to say anything kind about him without immediately taking a–[stretches arms, yawns] What was I saying? Sorry, I just had to nap real fast. Also, you might think the short porch will up Verdugo’s power, but I’m here to say, that seems unlikely, due to his spray chart. Finally, when Dominguez returns in July, where does Verdu…go? For 2024, I’ll give Alex Verdugo projections of 53/12/58/.282/6 in 411 ABs.

Michael King – Going to the Padres. Was one of the big pieces headed that way. (The other, Drew Thorpe, I’m sure will be covered by Itch. Also, Jhony Brito, Randy Vasquez and Kyle Higashioka, who can be defined as, “Hmm, well, okay,” will be headed to San Diego.) King is the most interesting for us. He went 4-8/2.75/1.15/127 in 104 2/3 IP with nine games started. One has to think he’ll stay stretched and go as a starter. His 10.9 K/9 and 2.8 BB/9 are intriguing with a 95 MPH fastball and 82 MPH curve. He was actually better as a starter than a reliever, but neither were huge sample sizes — that’s what she derisively said! I’m absolutely intrigued for fantasy, and think this might be the biggest gainer from this trade, including Soto. For 2024, I’ll give Michael King projections of 7-9/3.47/1.18/156 in 134 IP.

Cal Quantrill – Traded to the Rockies. Love this move by the Rockies. Oh, not because Quantrill will be good now, but now I don’t have to worry about him at all for fantasy. Way to take a guy off my rankings and projections plate!

Eugenio Suarez – Traded to the DBags for backup catcher, Seby Zavala, and random reliever Carlos Vargas. Kinda bummed to see Emmanuel Rivera moved to the bench and not sure what this means for Jordan Lawlar. DBags are falling into the “Making to the World Series” trap. It happens when a team acquires past-their-prime vets in an attempt to replicate success in a way they didn’t find it previously. For 2024, I’ll give Eugenio Suarez projections of 77/27/86/.227/2 in 573 ABs.

Eduardo Rodriguez – Signed with the DBacks. Check out this guy, now he can leave Detroit! Guess he didn’t want to go to the Dodgers in the summer, because, as speculated — he hated Beverly Hills Cop. So, EdRod into the Arizona means the end of Tommy Henry’s value. That’s right, a Castaway sequel for Tom Hank! Okay, enough joking on the jibber-jabbering, Ed-Rod went 8.4 K/9, 2.8 BB/9 and 3.30 ERA (4.06 xFIP) with a very high called strike percentage and 50th least amount of contact%. It’s promising, and he always seems to be slightly underrated in drafts. For example, last year he finished 85th on the Player Rater; right now, he’s being drafted around 200th overall. For 2024, I’ll give Eduardo Rodriguez projections of 13-8/3.71/1.17/156 in 164 IP.

Luis Urias – Acquired by the Mariners. Presumably will take over third base with the recently departed Suarez. It was revealed this offseason that the Mariners’ GM said he was only trying to win 54% of the time. There was major backlash to his comments, and he apologized. With Urias and the new team going forward, he said the M’s have a new gameplan and are going for it 32% of the time. For 2024, I’ll give Luis Urias projections of 51/17/54/.224/3 in 451 ABs.

Mark Canha – Traded to the Tigers. Being traded to Detroit is punishment for being an unironic foodie. Oh, you like losing yourself in new restaurants? Well, go lose yourself in 8 Mile. For 2024, I’ll give Mark Canha projections of 57/12/62/.258/12 in 453 ABs.

Kenta Maeda – Signed with the Tigers. Have no idea what is going on with Kenta Maeda and the universe, but he needs to get right with it, because his luck is absurdly bad. His last two years (over three years, due to surgery which is its own kind of bad luck): 210 IP, 4.45-ish ERA and a 10-ish K/9 and 2.5-ish BB/9. If I had the time or inclination, I could see a Kenta Maeda sleeper post. I won’t be writing it, but I could see it. For 2024, I’ll give Kenta Maeda projections of 8-10/3.94/1.16/164 in 144 IP.

Luis Severino – Signed by the Mets. “Look at the Mets making a splash,” says the guy who forgot how awful Severino was last year. “Man, the Mets are just smart!” That’s the same guy. Severino’s fastball wasn’t locating at all last year, but the velocity was fine. So, fixing location and not needing to regain velocity isn’t a terrible place to look for a bounce back, but, like I say a lot, why do I want this headache? He could bounce back, but it won’t be me trying to see if it happens. For 2024, I’ll give Luis Severino projections of 10-9/4.33/1.39/140 in 156 IP.

Craig Kimbrel – Signed with the O’s to be their closer. I like to keep news together by team, so I searched this post for “Orioles” got to “ori” saw “historically bad” was found, thought, “Yep, that’s Kimbrel!” Now, now, he’s been fine. As long as he’s not closing in the playoffs for your favorite team. For 2024, I’ll give Craig Kimbrel projections of 4-5/3.47/1.07/82, 25 saves in 64 IP.

Clayton Kershaw – Had shoulder surgery. He repaired the gleno-humeral ligaments.  One of the worst after-dinner mints. He will miss the 1st half of the 2024 season, and then be “expected back in July, then August, then maybe for the postseason.” Here’s a fun thought experiment: Who will have more innings in 2024, deGrom or Kershaw? Gotta be Kershaw, right? Are you sure? For 2024, I’ll give Clayton Kershaw projections of 3-1/2.34/1.03/45 in 39 IP.

Vidal Brujan – Traded to the Marlins. Seems like a nothing move from a real baseball standpoint, but it made my ears do a little perky-perky when I heard about it. Could Brujan work his way into everyday playing time for the Marlins? Jon Berti and Avisail Garcia are in front of him, so, yes, Brujan could see some playing time, and maybe a lot. I’m not willing to project him for 400+ ABs, but that’s what kind of opportunity is there for him for you drafting at the backend of deep leagues. For 2024, I’ll give Vidal Brujan projections of 35/5/31/.244/17 in 324 ABs.

Jeimer Candelario – Signed with the Reds. In 1975, the Reds were the Big Red Machine. Now the Reds have 1,975 infielders. My assumption is India’s out of there quicker than Indian food is out of me. It’s a good landing spot for Jeimer, because it’s the Great American Smallpark. He had 19-22 homer power, that likely gets bumped a tad and anyone can steal ten bags with the new rules. It used to be impressive when a corner infielder could go 27/10, now it’s everyone. For 2024, I’ll give Jeimer Candelario projections of 79/24/90/.243/8 in 513 ABs.

Victor Caratini – Signed with the Astros. Thank God, Dusty is out of there, otherwise he would’ve tried to stick an olive with his toothpick and put it him.

Nick Anderson – Acquired by the Royals. Lot of people are mad, drafting James McArthur like they just heard about Pearl Harbor, but I think Nick Anderson throws a sizable wrench in slo-mo like it’s Pearl Harbor, the Josh Hartnett, Ben Affleck movie. Will project Nick Anderson tentatively for a part-time closer role, but this could change in March. His projections are 1-3/2.89/1.05/54, 8 saves in 49 IP.

Jake Bauers – Traded to the Brewers. You have got to be kidding me? He’s going to replace Rowdy Tellez? Gonna need three-point-seven Bauerses to replace one Rowdy Tellez! It’s wild that Bauers keeps getting jobs when he should be hitting .230 with 25 homers in the KBO. For 2024, I’ll give Jake Bauers projections of 33/14/39/.212/5 in 302 ABs.

Sonny Gray – Signed with the Cardinals. I will say this for the Cardinals staff, they are some eaters, and I’m not talking specifically about Lance Lynn. I’m saying they will eat innings. Cardinals might be the one team that gets to next October and has starters who can go seven innings. I’m a fan of Gray. [quickly turns head to mirror] Thank you. I nearly wrote a sleeper post for Sonny Gray, but I was afraid I’d be laughed out of the industry, because it’s okay to look slovenly or live in the basement of one’s mother, but don’t you dare call a guy a sleeper who people know. My thought was, from early drafts, it seems like Gray is being drafted way too late, but more shares for me. For 2024 fantasy, I’ll give Sonny Gray projections of 11-8/3.21/1.14/177 in 180 IP.

Lance Lynn – Signed with the Cardinals. Lance Lynn returns to where it all began. Where he first learned to curse at the sky and grab his crotch. An inspiration to truck drivers, diner cooks and professional wrestlers everywhere. For 2024, I’ll give Lance Lynn projections of 11-9/4.42/1.34/177 in 174 IP.

Kyle Gibson – Signed with the Cards. That St. Louis ball club is putting together a pitching staff that can best be described as “Still in the league,” and “gamers.” For 2024, I’ll give Kyle Gibson projections of 9-11/4.39/1.31/149 in 184 IP.

Jarred Kelenic – Traded to the Braves. Ya know what’s kinda funny in a not-so-funny way? Kelenic has disappointed every year, but stays in the same spot year after year in drafts, even slightly moving up from last year. Not because Kelenic gets better, but the worthwhile outfielders to draft get worse and worse. Kelenic was not good last year (11/13/.253), but Starling Marte was not good in a much worse way! Very well done, Kelenic, you disappoint but only slightly compared to the massive disappointments around you. Kelenic’s numbers get so much worse if you look at his April as “just one hot month” and see the rest of the year, where he hit four homers and zero homers in the 2nd half. That people are excited about that? Well, this dude cannot abide. Now on the Braves? Fine, a little excitement for one main reason, Snitker sets his lineup in April then takes a six-month siesta. It’s funny that so-called, quote-unquote smart managers platoon players, because the Braves win a lot of games and platoon no one. Maybe they’ll finally do a platoon this year with Kelenic, but that would mean actually playing Vaughn Grissom. For 2024, I’ll give Jarred Kelenic projections of 50/19/55/.238/12 in 403 ABs.

Evan White – Traded to the Braves with Marco Gonzales, who was subsequently moved to the Pirates. Evan White’s projected playing time is “8th inning replacement on August 27th, 2025.”

Reynaldo Lopez – Signed by the Braves. Word is they’ll stretch him out as a starter in the spring, then they’ll be like, “Hold up! He was great as a reliever for the last two years, what are we doing here?” Then he’ll be a reliever in the season. I’m holding off on projecting him for now to see where things shake out further into the preseason. My guess is the Braves sign another starter and this becomes moot.

Aaron Bummer – Traded to the Braves. After they were ousted from the playoffs in a surprisingly early round, the Braves promised their fans no more disappointments, yet here comes this Bummer.

Jackson Kowar – Went the other way with Cole Phillips to the Mariners. Searched for people on Twitter saying Mariners were clearing salary room for Ohtani and…well, I decided against screenshotting them. It’s best to leave them in peace.

Mike Soroka – Went the other way in the Bummer trade with Jared Shuster, Nicky Lopez, Braden Shewmake and Riley Gowens. Speaking of bummers, it’s hard to trade one middle reliever with a 6.79 ERA for five guys and still have the trade seem fair with it seemingly to be a “no one wins” trade. I guess Soroka could get healthy at some point — did I say that with a straight face? Who’s to say? — Shuster could get back his potential, and Nicky Lopez could be slightly better than Tim Anderson last year, though that was historically bad. An aside about projections, I only project the top 500 or so, and right now I don’t think Soroka, Shuster or any of these other schmohawks will be in the top 500. Nicky Lopez seems closest, but even he seems doubtful.

Erick Fedde – Signed with the White Sox after winning the KBO’s equivalent to their MVP and Cy Young. Honestly, think this says more about the KBO than it says about Fedde. For those unawares, the KBO is often compared to the level of talent in Double-A.

Paul DeJong – Acquired by the White Sox. Colonel Mustard in the cellar with the White Sox! The team over there in the South Side of Chicago is putting together one of the worst teams in baseball.

Nelson Cruz – Retired from baseball. He said he wants to spend time with his great-grandkids.

Abraham Toro – Traded to the A’s, who were traded to Vegas. If you haven’t heard — cool rock, why are you under it? — the A’s are relocating to Vegas. The A’s will stay in the Coliseum for 2024, so we don’t have to worry about park factors just yet, but, after 2024, their lease runs out and the A’s won’t have a Vegas stadium for a few years, so they might be vagabonds. The A’s are expected to play in a variety of sites after the 2024 season. Playing some games in Giants’ stadium, some games in their Triple-A stadium in Vegas, some games in the giant orb on the Vegas Strip, some games in the Circus Circus parking lot, and some games in Drai’s Nightclub, admission is free before 10 PM with a drink purchase. For 2024, I’ll give Abraham Toro projections of 48/13/54/.236/3 in 407 ABs.

Miguel Andujar – Signed with Oakland. A’s aren’t let any grass grow below their feet! Who says Vegas always wins? They might want to rethink that.