Corbin Carroll sat yesterday against the historically significant southpaw, Bailey Falter (6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.08). Torey Lovullo, fantastic on MTV’s The Challenge, benches Corbin Carroll after two games is such big-brain’ing. Never underestimate the dumbness of any of this. Oh, and if this is because the new CBA says a guy who starts the year with the team, and wins the ROY can get the team a draft pick, then the thing that was supposed to reduce service time manipulation, is actually manipulating it further HAHAHAHAHAHA–falls over, fainting. A nice man dressed like Colonel Sanders waves a fan on me to awaken me. “Colonel Sanders, is that you?” “Looks like you can KF-see straight,” and he snaps his fingers, disappearing. What was left was the hottest bat in the majors, Jake McCarthy (1-for-4) and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I was worried about Carroll taking McCarthy’s job, but now I think McCarthy’s locked into everyday at-bats, and Carroll might sit here there. Carroll’s still worth rostering everywhere, but absolutely the same for McCarthy. On the 30-day Player Rater, Jake McCarthy is a top 10 guy. Overall! My goodness. He’s also barely rostered in any leagues. He’s got power (3 HRs in the last month), speed (8 SBs), and is hitting near-.330 over the last 30. Get in on McCarthy, before the Reds win. Not the Cincy Reds. I’m talking Commies. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Marsh – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. One of the hardest things to do in fantasy is to have your team score 18 runs, and have not a single guy worth mentioning, while making a lede about the one guy on the other team who did something in a 16-run loss, but I was able to pull it off! Yay me!

Jesus Aguilar – Signed to the O’s on a minor league deal. Orioles called up Gunnar and found Jesus.

Gunnar Henderson – 2-for-4 and a 429-foot blast for his 1st major league hit and home run. As a person with excellent hair, I have a Hair Badge given to me that allows me to spot others with good hair, and Gunnar has great hair.

Jordan Lyles – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.25. Wonder if tensions will rise around Yom Kippur between Jordan and Dean Kremer. Streamonator doesn’t like Lyles’s next start, and I don’t disagree, but also the O’s feel like they’re on a magical one.

Brandon Lowe – Hit the IL with “Was never right all season.” Will be interesting to see if he can get better for next year, because Lowe’s price won’t be any, well, lower. Rays called up Vidal Brujan, who they will either let rot on the bench or the lineup. We shall see! Or not. Your choice.

Shane McClanahan – Hit the IL with shoulder impingment. Rather then do dry sobs while you’re buying cucumbers for your eyes, think about the good things McClanahan gave us.

Drew Rasmussen – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.70. His opponent, Rogers, has more than twice his ERA. Sure, ERA isn’t everything, but, also, you were drafting Rogers at 93 overall, and Rasmussen was at 280.

Trevor Rogers – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.57, as he was activated from the IL. Kinda like the idea of him being a reclamation project next year in fantasy. I’m reclamming my time! For this year? I wouldn’t even listen to the Streamonator on him. No trust. Of course, he did look good yesterday, and hope he finishes out strong, it will put a little oomph under my Buffalo Wild reclamation wings.

Jon Berti – 2-for-4 and a slam (3) and legs (32). I’d love Berti to get good again for the final month. Hugging my computer in public telling people, “Berti’s on my fantasy team, and I love him.” That’s what I want to be.

Alex Wood – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.10. More like Alex Flaccid.

Joe Musgrove – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.01. He was absolutely cruising through four-plus innings, then the wheels came off Musgrove around the 5th inning faster than I’ve seen since the new Princess Di doc. RIP Mi’lady.

Josh Hader – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 6.35, and his 30th save. It wasn’t as clean as the line indicates. Not sure if this will mean he gets more saves, or even the next one, but Nick Martinez, who also hasn’t been great, was resting after throwing the last few days, so it’s not clearcut Hader’s job again.

Miguel Vargas – When he’s called up, Dave Roberts said he will see time at 3B, LF, DH or as a pinch-hitter, and I am intrigued, but prolly more of a daily league play, since he won’t play every day.

Mookie Betts – 1-for-4 and his 32nd homer. This is Mookie’s Best home run total, and it’s only the first day of September.

Tyler Anderson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.68. If you only drafted the affordable-in-drafts Dodgers pitchers, you’d be cruising-slash-crushing-slash-axl.

Starling Marte – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. It’s a Marte part-tay!

Brett Baty – Tore his UCL in his thumb. I didn’t even know there was a UCL in thumbs. Was he throwing with his thumb? Sounds worse than it is, supposedly, as he could be back by the playoffs, but is droppable now in redrafts.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. A home run? From Tildaddy? Do I need to go back to sleep to let him finish rounding the bases or is this not a dream? On the reals, his knee is bothering him and it’s not going to get better this year, according to the Braves. He’s just gonna try to play through it. We lost the real Tildday and Fun the Jewels in the same year, and Aaron Judge, Ohtani and Timmy Trumpet made the season not a total failure.

Austin Riley – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer. One homer off his career high of last year, and one month left. I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s a good sign for Riley, and anyone else hitting homers, because homers are down for guys who are 390-foot home run guys, but fine for guys who are 410-foot homer guys.

Michael Toglia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Already went over him yesterday, and he will be in this Friday’s Buy column, that’s already on the Patreon. I’m a fan of his power, not of Bud Black, who will do something dumb like bench Toglia.

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer. I have the wedding invitation Eleanor Roosevelt gave her lover, Lorena Hickock, to attend her wedding to FDR. It’s over here by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Lars Nootbaar – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and a slam (10) and legs (4). Marmol tried to take Nootbaar out of the lineup, but he came in late in the game to leave his mark. And that Nootbaar skidmark is actually chocolate! Seriously!

A.J. Pollock – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. Before he hit that homer, I forgot I had him on a team. Always a great sign!

Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.70. As someone pointed out last time Lynn pitched and I disparaged him, Lynn hasn’t been bad over the last month. It’s true, which is why I’m repeating it. Lynn ranks in the top 25 for starters with 75+ IP for xFIP and SIERA, and is better than Cease. Rumors of Lynn’s demise might be exaggerated.

Bobby Witt Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. Big Dubya Jr. with the big dubya in the Royals’ loss!

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 30th homer. C’mon, get to 40 to make people really struggle with their MVP vote! I want to see struggling!

Patrick Sandoval – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.02 vs. Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.28. This was a matchup of one guy who I write a sleeper post for, and another guy who I told you to avoid. And the sleeper one, so natch.

Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .231. On the Player Rater, he’s around 85 overall, and I will bet someone $5 imaginary dollars that he’s ranked around 150 or later again next year. No one respects the Suarez, especially not boats that keep clogging it.

Marco Gonzales – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.99. Streamed everyone yesterday, except Marco, as I absolutely own the day and night. Streamonator doesn’t like his next start, but I could see it.

Mitch White – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.67. If he faced the Cubs while on the Dodgers, this start would’ve been 9 IP, 1 ER. Welp, you can lose him pretty easily now, and forcefully.

Alejandro Kirk – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, and his first homer since July 26th, or as it’s commonly known, “a long effin time ago.”

Cavan Biggio – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Craig Biggio screamed and pointed, “That’s my boy,” only he was pointing at Vlad Jr. Then Cavan tried to move in front of Craig’s finger and Craig spitefully lowered his hand.

Franmil Reyes – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer. If $54 Vending Machine gets to 20 homers this year, it will be covered on TLC’s show Real Life Zombies about people coming back from near-death to live prosperous lives.

Joe Ryan – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.88. Hey, it’s okay, we can draft him again next year. Let him go now.

Luis Arraez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .318. Seems like a lock to win the AL batting champ, and who cares? Good name for him, actually, Luis Whocarraez.

J.D. Martinez – 2-for-5 and his 11th homer. Just Dong–No, I can’t. Not when he only has eleven homers. Sure, he just homered the other night, but, no, I can’t. Just Don’t Martinez, more like it.

Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (8). Twelve homers! What happened to the Red Sox? They’re all kind of Red Sux.

Freddy Peralta – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.56. Hadn’t been paying as close attention as maybe I should, but watched this start yesterday, and, uh, his velocity is atrocious, and his strikeouts are so far down. What’s going on here? He went from a 13 K/9 guy to a 9 K/9? That sucks, and he has no innings this year. He has to be nursing something. FreddyKBB has become Freddy-nibble-around-the-plate.

Corey Seager – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer, hitting .255. I know Seager will be happy to know that after seven years, I am officially a fan. Just took him hitting some homers and stop with that batting average crap.

Martin Perez – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.89. He’s had one bad start this year. This is it. Guess who was the absolute numbskull who streamed him yesterday for his worst start? This guy with two thumbs pointing at himself by sticking his thumbs up his butt.

Cristian Javier – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.07, in 96 pitches. Kinda surprised that Dusty let him go that deep into the game, though Dusty used to throw The Harangutan for 145 pitches a start, so shouldn’t be that shocked. Though, it is odd they moved him to the pen last week, then decided he’s fine to go nearly 100 pitches. Think we’ve seen the best of Javier this year. Oh well. We had a good run, which was the only exercise we got all year.

David Hensley – 3-for-4, 1 run, as he DH’d. Sure, D. Hensley is a boy of summer, but I want Yordan! We might need a prayer triangle. I’m worried. I think Yainer is going to take over this job once he comes up, as rosters expand, but Hensley is kinda interesting in a very Astros-type way. He hits for average, and does a little of everything else.

Dermis Garcia – 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Okay, yesterday, I just had a goof on his lotion-sounding name, but now I have to look his stats up. *opens page, stifling laughter* So, he could hit for power, and .160. Also, if he keeps hitting, he’ll prolly get benched so the A’s don’t have to pay him in arbitration. At most, a hot schmotato alert.

Zach Jackson – Hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. A’s are so corrupt that they were prolly trying to figure out who out of Jimenez, Puk and Jackson would cost them less in arbitration if they got saves, so they phantom IL’d the other two and decided on A.J. Puk for saves. Moneyball is such a crock in retrospect. Talked about OBP and market efficiency and it was about the starters, and it corrupted the whole league into thinking being frugal was somehow cool. A’s really chaps mine.