To open the game, Brady Singer should’ve immediately beaned Andrew Benintendi, then took the mic to the stadium PA, hushed the crowd, and began to say the speech when Ronald Miller is confronted for abandoning his dork friends. “These guys…these Yankees…they weren’t there with you when you were perceived to be too expensive at a cost of $8.5 million arbitration by a billionaire? Were they there when the Royals made us go greet people at Wal-Mart to earn our meal money? Were they there when we all had to chip in for plane fuel to travel to out-of-town games? I don’t think so!” Would’ve been a helluva a speech, but he might’ve gotten tossed and we would’ve missed a helluva a game. A sonavabench of a game, prolly too. But Singer’s having his Star Mitzvah, and I’m here for it. L’claim! Yesterday’s start for Brady Singer went 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.51. His season perfs are at 9.7 K/9, 2.2 BB/9, 3.23 xFIP and a slider that I watched Yankees swing at — lefties, at least — that nearly hit them in the back foot. If this sounds like the beginning of a 2023 sleeper, you’re prolly right. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Andrew Benintendi – 0-for-4 as he hit leadoff, hitting .316. Don’t mind him hitting leadoff there, not like I’m some DJ LeStanieu, but it is funny how little other managers know about a player. Benintendi’s hasn’t hit first in years, and he’s very much a two-hole, or even five-hole hitter.
Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.72. For as good as Singer looked, the Royals’ lineup looked that bad, and not Taillon looking great, but Streamonator likes his next one, and I agree.
Aaron Judge – 1-for-3 and a slam (39) and legs (10). This offseason Aaron Judge’s gonna like, “Turn over the check and add more zeroes.”
Max Meyer – Will undergo Tommy John surgery. At least they didn’t point at Sixto Sanchez and say, “Give Meyer that.”
Daniel Castano – Was drilled in the melon by a Solano line drive, but walked off under his own power, and it looked like the coach afterwards was saying he was saved by the bill of his cap. Just another reason why you should never wear a hat without a bill, unless you’re a vampire ruler in the 15th century.
Jesus Aguilar – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer. Like how teams have their own little home run celebration in the dugouts. Like the Red Sox shopping cart and Jays jacket. It’s fun. I like fun. Marlins football helmet though? I don’t know, man. Everyone looks like Marvin the Martian or Francisco Cervelli after his third concussion.
Jesus Sanchez – 1-for-1 and his 12th homer. When Elias Sports Bureau was asked if this was the first time two Jesuses homered for the 12th time in the same game, they said, “Holy hell yeah!”
Graham Ashcraft – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.64. He looked better than his line ended up being. You don’t have an Appearances category in your league? Shame, you should talk to your leaguemates. How cool would it be if that was what “appearances” meant in baseball? No longer does it mean just appearing, but now it means how well he appeared. Am I talking in riddles or is it the ‘tussin? They say Covid causes brain fog? Well, I got a brain dehumidifier!
Tyler Naquin – Hit his 7th homer, then, following the game, the Reds were like, “His value will never be higher!” And traded him to the Mets. So, you remember Naquin, right? He was 2021’s Brandon Drury. Hey, 2021’s Brandon Drury, say hello to your mother for me! Is it me or is it eerily quiet with not that many days left before the deadline? Maybe there’s an incoming flurry this weekend. We want a flurry, baby! Tyler Naquin is a platoon bat that I guess takes Canha out on occasion. His value doesn’t increase, if anything, it decreases, because Mets have many better options and the park is not as favorable.
David Fletcher – 1-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. Who needs Mike Trout?!
Shohei Ohtani – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.81, 0-for-4. Through a translator, Ohtani said, “I hope to remain with the Angels through the trade deadline,” then him and his translator laughed for thirty minutes. Then cried. Then laughed again.
Nathaniel Lowe – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s rostered in 100% of leagues. Holy crap! Well, that’s RCL leagues, at least. That still is kinda crazy. He’s not been bad, I guess. Committed to the bit, or should be committed for the bit? Later, we’ll find out!
Reynaldo Lopez – Hit the IL with a lower back strain. Lopez hurt it while trying to find out when Luis Robert would return. Brutal turn of events.
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.77. Pirates’ lineup he was facing was so atrocious they should’ve ran a promotion where everyone who went to the game received two eyepatches.
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 32nd homer, 2nd homer in three games, and have we ever asked why one of the worst batting average hitters, and one of the biggest power bats is hitting leadoff? What in the Sam Horn is going on there?
Cal Mitchell – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Calm Itchell should go by the one-named moniker, Calgon.
Zach Thompson – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.09. His stuff looks better than its playing, which can only mean one thing…Someone trade for him!
Kutter Crawford – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.15. This guy is literally the only thing the Red Sox have check-marked in the positive column.
Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and a slam (8) and legs (6, 7), hitting .318. His biggest game of the season less than a week after I said to Sell him? Coincidence or darker forces at work. *pulls out ouija board* Let’s figure this out!
Jose Ramirez – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer, hitting .285. He’s having one of the quietest Hall of Fame careers. He’s like the new Adrian Beltre. Tap sign and not head, if you agree.
Patrick Wisdom – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .222. Wonder what the Cubs players are feeling right now. Are they trying to be good to get traded? Trying to be bad so they’re traded in a package with someone better? Fine line here for their players to get off that team.
Diego Castillo – Hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. Damn, Mariners, but can I interest you in…*pulls curtain back to reveal*…Michael Fulmer? What’s that, you like the idea of a Michael but not like that? How about Mychal Givens?
Logan Gilbert – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.78. It sucks kinda hard to have in the back of your brain, “Great, but can we shut this guy down soon so I can enjoy him next year?”
Alex Bregman – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. It feels so hacky to say Bregman became a barely-20-homer hitter because of Cheaty Cheaty Bang Bang, but it feels that way.
Dustin May – Will make one more rehab start after yesterday’s, then they will reassess, which means some questions they could be pondering, “Have we traded for three starters at the deadline? Is one of them like a Danny Duffy rando trade? Is one of those like a Luis Castillo trade? Do we need Dustin May this year for anything but maybe some bullpen innings?”
Trea Turner – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, 18th steal, hitting .312, and was pulled after four innings because the Rockies are so bad. Hilarious to hear the Rockies aren’t sure if they’re sellers at the deadline. Rockies are like, “The Yankees, Mets, Mariners, Padres and Dodgers are all interested in Daniel Bard? He must be great, let’s re-sign him for a seven-year, $75 million deal.”
Tyler Anderson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.61. If you had the testes to ride Anderson in Coors, he rewarded you with a free room at the W out on the Ivictory Coast.
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .211. Wha’ happened with this guy this season? He used to be a 25+ homer, .250 hitter with no speed. This year he’s awful for average, power and starts swiping bases. Is he filming a body switch movie with one of the Gordon brothers?
Matt Chapman – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer. Maybe because they’re former A’s bros, but I can’t help linking Chapman and Olson still in my mind and wondering if there’s that much of a difference in them. Looking at the Player Rater, and there is some difference, not a ton.
Yusei Kikuchi – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.89, as he was activated and threw his first decent start in a month. Streamonator did like this start, and hates his next, and that start @TB will be a test. Look at us, testing major leaguers! Yeah! Run around the cones! Shuttle run! Throw a quality start!
Ryan Yarbrough – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.11. I used to like Yarbrough, but I also used to like Chipotle. Opinions change. This is also the weirdest start to a Yelp review.
Tyler Wells – Hit the IL with side discomfort. Hmm, sounds mighty oblique.
Jordan Lyles – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.56. One of my favorite books is Six Days of War by Michael Oren, so I might be biased, but I wouldn’t trust Jordan.
Trey Mancini – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, an inside-the-parker. In what might be his last game in Camden or as an Oriole, Mancini hit the ball in the sun, and it came down onto Josh Lowe’s face, careened away and, yes:
“he homered off of RFer Josh Lowe’s face” https://t.co/sBqyVusxDe
— Razzball (@Razzball) July 28, 2022
Wait, it gets funnier. The Orioles announcers just kept talking about how magical the homer was. Not sure if Josh Lowe feels it’s as magical. Family leans in on a 97-year-old in 2084, “Tell us grandpa, in these final moments, what is the one thing that has always stuck with you all these years?” Barely above a murmur, the old man speaks, “When Trey Mancini homered off of right fielder Josh Lowe’s face.”
