Origin Story Alert! In the Roppongi district of Japan, which sits between Chichibunomiya and Akabanebashi, lives a puppeteer named Goshi. For his entire life, Goshi worked in the medium of strings and miniature clothes. Sometimes, due to all the opium he smokes, he’ll forget where he left off one day and start new the next day. Due to a three-year process of forgetting and starting anew, he accidentally built a puppet that was 75-feet tall and named it Marcell Ozuna. The puppet simply went by the name, OZUNA. Elsewhere in Japan, on holiday, Giancarlo Stanton arrived with his family and me in his suitcase (how I’m able to relay the story). Giancarlo was marveled at everywhere he went, due to sheer handsomeness and size. One Japanese man said of Giancarlo, “You are like Mt. Fiji of GLOW.” OZUNA and Giancarlo remained on separate paths for many moons, until one faithful day when an explosion at a nuclear plant caused a giant lizard to emerge from the ocean. That lizard’s name was Allahzilla, because it originated in the Middle East, according to scientists. Armed with merely bats, Giancarlo (3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homers) and OZUNA (2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer) beat back Allahzilla and the Cardinals while freeing all of humanity, and fantasy. Thanks, heroes! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Paul DeJong – 1-for-3, 1 run. DeJong sounds like Korean brown mustard. Hmm, he’s from Orlando, Florida. Maybe he grew up in Epcot. It’s a DeJong world after all.
Matt Holliday – Aims to return Friday from what can only be described as “old.” He found Robert Smith’s band apparently. None of this bodes well for Frazier, who sat yesterday.
Michael Pineda – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.39. The Regression Fairies heard Pineda is filled pecker cupcake toppers and have not stopped beating on him for weeks.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer. He’s tied with Joe DiMaggio for most home runs by a Yankee rookie. Um, there’s still a half a season to go. The Ghost of Joe DiMaggio is like, “I would’ve let him bang Marilyn.” Joe D. only gave that permission to seventeen of his closest friends. Okay, technically, he gave Mantle permission twice, but the first time Mantle was drunk and forgot he asked.
Ji-Man Choi – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer in his first game after being called up. He should see the bulk of playing time at 1st base for the time being. Ji-Man is worth chasing for power, and if you’re playing Pokemon Go.
Kevin Pillar – 2-for-3 and a slam (10) and legs (12), hitting .255. This guy went so cold even Eskimos are like, “Yo, put on some mittens, yo shizzes are turning green.” I believe ‘yo shizzes’ in this example are fingers.
Kendrys Morales – 1-for-5 and his 16th homer, hitting .256. Also, in this game, Russell Martin (1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 8th homer. Together, they are Russell/Morales, or simply Ru-Mor. Or so I’ve heard.
Justin Smoak – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .300. On our Player Rater, Smoak is practically a top 25 player for all of fantasy. Or less succinctly, “How is it that people are still asking if they should own him?”
Carlos Santana – Out on paternity leave. I hope Rob Thomas sends a lovely gift.
Trevor Bauer – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.24. Dude’s a legit joke. Eat a Joe Caputo-sized D. It’s the Padres at home! I can’t even. I need to sit down. Damn it, I am sitting!
Francisco Lindor – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, hitting .252. Hey, lookie lookie, maybe someone decided to join the 2017 season.
Cory Spangenberg – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd game in a row that was decent (two hits, steal on Tuesday). You might remember Spangenberg as one of the actresses in Bosom Buddies, but he also looks like he might be a rising schmotato.
Jose Pirela – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .304. Pirela’s schmotatoness has dried up like…Why does every analogy I can think of with drying up kinda gross me out?
Matt Davidson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Yes, he went ice cold after that hot streak earlier this year. Still more valuable than the schmohawk that is known as Todd Frazier (1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer).
Ryon Healy – Remained sidelined with back spasms. Spasm is such an ugly word. Can’t we agree to say his back is dorking out?
Jaycob Brugman – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .215. Jaycob? Really? You married to Alex Cobb? The Y is silent? Cool, then it’s unnecessary.
Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.00. Stream-o-Nator loved Gray’s start yesterday but is lukewarm on his next start. It’s at home against the Indians, and I can kinda see going against SON there.
Rajai Davis – 2-for-4, 1 run and four steals (11, 12, 13, 14). A’s stole six bases yesterday. Pitchers might’ve had a hard time Holden runners on while Banky’ing on Kevan Smith.
Alex Wood – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.67. I legit have no idea where I’m ranking him in my top 100 for the 2nd half, which will publish next week. I kinda wanna put him in the top 20, and I also kinda feel he might only throw 40+ innings in the 2nd half.
Zack Godley – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.58. Fun fact! When Godley would stand in alphabetical order, he’d stand next to a guy named Cleanliness. I’ve told you for a few weeks now, I’m in on Godley. Go with Godley.
Mallex Smith – 4-for-4, 3 runs and his 10th steal. Apparently, he was just waiting until most people had given up on him ever stealing a base. Now, you know if you add him, he’s going to stop running again.
Kyle Hendricks – Nearing a rehab assignment. “If Hendricks went to rehab, we’d have such sweet music now,” said Lawr Michaels probably.
John Lackey – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.20.
John Lackey barking at the ump when he should be barking at the architect of the stadium for not having the fences moved back 700 feet.
— Razzball (@Razzball) July 5, 2017
Elvis Andrus – Out on paternity leave. Maybe in 20-something years Elvis’ kid can marry Carlos Santana’s kid, and consolidate both of their record catalogs.
Rougned Odor – 1-for-1, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Though, he left the game after being hit on the hand. X-rays were negative, but my thoughts are negative about hand x-rays. He’s just coming out of a season-long slump; please, Fantasy Baseball Overlord! Have mercy!
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. CarGomez is like a broken clock…Scratch that. He’s like someone who says “Galapagos Islands” for every Trivial Pursuit question and is right every now and then.
Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. In another era, Bogaerts would have negative three homers on the year.
Ervin Santana – 9 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.99. When I said two months ago that Ervin would be in the All-Star Game, I was being sarcastic! Jesus Christ Ramirez!
Byron Buxton – 2-for-4 and his 16th steal. Fee, fie, foh, fum, I smell the blood of a hot schmotato man.
Huston Street – Hit the DL with a groin strain. Street’s been shut down so many times, he’s wasting our money on healthcare and infrastructure!
Mike Trout – Started rehab games in High-A Inland Empire. The Inland Empire is the ruling party of Tatooine. They’re mostly white trash with second-hand droids.
Bud Norris – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 12th save, ERA at 2.29. Never been so excited to see someone, who I didn’t like six weeks ago, reclaim a closer job. It’s a fantasy baseball ‘pert’s prerogative to change one’s mind.
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-4 and a slam (12) and legs (5), and 2nd home run in as many games. Polish that Kole up and you got yourself a Kole that likes pierogies, but he does seem hot.
Parker Bridwell – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.24. Don’t do it. Don’t fall for the banana in the ol’ tailpipe.
Jason Vargas – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.62. Was beginning to think the musk Vargas wears was keeping the Regression Fairies away all season.
Mike Moustakas – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, and 3rd homer in as many games. Moistasskiss!
Lorenzo Cain – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .278. Nothing like the year Cain…Sugar! had 2015, but definite bounce back from last year.
Mike Zunino – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. Here we go again already with three homers in five games for Zunino?
Jean Segura – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (9), and has four hits in two of the last four games. It’s a radiation vibe Segura’s grooving on. Shine on! Shine on! Shine on! Sorry, I am just singing the song on my iTunes now.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Two years ago, you’d be like, “Damn, Cousin Sweatpants, Cruz is so money Benji Franklin needs to get his wigged-out ass off the hunny and put Cruz on there.” Now? Well, he’s doing a’ight.
Keon Broxton – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .239, and a home run the previous game. I like Broxton, so don’t take this the wrong way, but homey Ks a lot. If he qualifies this year, he will have the 2nd highest strikeout percentage since 1871. 1st highest is Joey Gallo of this year.
Devin Mesoraco – Hit the DL with a strained left shoulder. He strained his shoulder when he caught his reflection in the mirror and gave himself a fright. You ever wonder what Phantom of the Opera and Rocky Dennis’ baby would look like? Look no further!
Jon Gray – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA 3.75. He also pitchslapped Scott Feldman for the longest home run by a Rockies player this year, measured at 467 feet. Some Canadian right now is like, “That’s only 142 meters, big whoop.”
Ben Lively – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.80. Maybe it’s confirmation bias, but think every start of his prior to this was decent. Maybe I don’t know what confirmation bias is. Never the hoo! This was the first start I sent Lively out for me. Laces out!
Maikel Franco – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Classic Maikel if he gets hot right as the break hits. Classic.
Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.43. Eek. I knew Cole was struggling, but 4.43 ERA. Ray Searage is the effin’ Santa Claus of baseball narratives. Do a profile on CNN about Ray Searage, because he’s fake news!
Daniel Norris – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.29. Every pitcher who was supposed to take the next step this year, did exactly that. Only they were standing on a cliff holding an anvil.
Sam Dyson -1 IP, 0 ER and his 3rd save in the last week. Maybe Texas was the problem. Cust kayin’.
Gorkys Hernandez – 3-for-5, 1 run and his 7th steal, hitting .236. It’s Gorkys’ Revenge!
Ender Inciarte – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs, and his 7th homer. I keep telling you how much I love Ender in a totally straight way, not there’s anything wrong with either way, but I don’t get the sense the same love can be applied to Ender for the rest of you. He’s top 50 in fantasy value on the year. Fo’reallies.
George Springer – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd steals! Halleberrylujah! I wanna send flowers to the the catcher who allowed these steals! What’s his name? What? Yes, I want to send flowers to him. Give me his name please. Why do you keep saying flowers? Okay, I’m going to ask one more time! WHAT’S HIS NAME?!
