Whoa Nelly

Rob Manfred presses the button on a contraption that looks like a skinny hose, and juices spurt out. Rob looks up to the store clerk, “So, I just push this end of the hose inside the baseballs and juice comes out and balls go zoom?”  “Zoom, baby, zoom.”  “I’ll take 300 of them.”  “You only want 300 homers?”  “You’re right, I’ll take 45,000.”  “Will do, Kemosabe. Hey, wanna see where I store the white pine tar that pitchers can use undetected?”  “No, that’s illegal!”  So, what’s this, three days in a row with a hitter hitting three homers in a game? Shizz is bizzonkers. Every year I say the same for Nelson Cruz (3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 23rd, 24th and 25th homer) and Edwin Encarnacion. They will hit home runs until they’re 50. That’s if they’re not already 50, then make it 70.  When reached for comment after the game, Cruz said, “I could’ve hit four homers, but then you find out why Mark Whiten was called ‘Hard Hittin.'” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Miguel Sano – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .236. That’s in 53 games.  The ol’ 45-homer pace.  Sano won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because, brucely, dude should just be owned.

Max Kepler – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .263.  Gonna end up with a quiet 35 homers.  Everyone who hits 35 homers can be described that way this year.  The quietest 35 homer season.

Lucas Giolito – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.52.  Castle Woofenstein!  Teen Woof! Started him? Now you’re an aware-woof. Woof, woof, woof!  Damn, got greedy and thought he’d be okay against the 1927 Twins, but so not the case. Alas, I still trust him.

Will Smith – Was recalled as Austin Barnes was sent down.  Aw, too bad, so sad, Barnes. Love, peace and hair grease (how I signed my notes to everyone in my high school yearbook — it’s amazing I didn’t get beat up every day).  So, Dodgers called up Will Smith to fool the Mets into trading them Noah Syndergaard.  “What do you mean you can’t close games? You’re name’s Will Smith, isn’t it? Aw, c’mon, fellas!  Not cool!  …I guess we can do a Hancock sequel.”  Smith hit 20 homers in 61 Triple-A games.  Yes, he’s good.  I’d try him out, because what do you have to lose?

Tyler White – Dodgers traded for him sending Andre Scrubb. I know what you’re thinking, but no Andre Scrubb is not a neologism for a Player To Be Named Later.

Jeff McNeil – Mets said he couldn’t play because his legs were feeling heavy. Dr. Met said it’s not a big deal. They’re just going to enclose his legs in an anti-gravity chamber and he’ll be fine.

Edwin Diaz – Left yesterday’s game after taking a right-back-at-cha off his foot. The Mets are saying he’s day-to-day and nothing was broken, but the Mets are also trying to trade Diaz, which might be the most hilarious thing I’ve ever heard. Why not include Robinson Cano too? Good luck, Mets!  I grabbed Seth Lugo (best arm), but Robert Gsellman might also see saves in Diaz’s stead.

Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.86.  After the game, the Mets said, “This could be Noah Syndergaard’s last start with the Mets, and we’re happy to see him go out on top.”  Some media, puzzled, started to say, “This was deGrom–” but Mr. Met put his big, gloved finger on their lips, saying, “Shh…Don’t speak.”

Joey Gallo – Has a broken hamate bone and will have surgery. If he returns like Matt Olson, Gallo will hit 45 homers in September. More than likely, you can drop him.  Hard to say the recovery time.  Could be anywhere from three to six weeks.  Feel free to bitch and moan, Gallo enjoys whines.

Danny Santana – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .322. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, as he was in last week’s, and the previous two weeks, because look at what he’s doing.  Dannys Antana is having a top 10 2nd baseman season on the Player Rater.

Brett Anderson – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.05.  To sorta quote T.I. singing, “Don’t want no MediOAKer.”

Jose Suarez – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.35. Streamonator loved this start yesterday, and I’ll admit to steering people away in the comments. Machine learning — zero; Smoked pot while learning — one.

Travis Shaw – Recalled from the minors.  MVP! MVP! MVP! Someone who’s moved onto fantasy football is getting their corner man back. So, Shaw was hitting in the minors, but, I mean, seriously, interjection, he better be! I didn’t run out to grab Shaw in any leagues; he won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I could see grabbing him if you’re desperate.

Troy Tulowitzki – Announced his retirement.  As frequent commenter, Stephen Lyon, said, “Tulo legit to quit.”

Brett Gardner – Hit the IL with knee inflammation. Keep that thing away from kindling!

Masahiro Tanaka – 3 1/3 IP, 12 ER, ERA at 4.79.  After the game, Tanaka received a call from Mike Minor thanking him for making Minor appear better.  Seriously, the ALCS potential matchups are fire emoji, right? I mean, it’s exactly 2019 baseball. Whoever scores 12+ runs wins.

Xander Bogaerts – 4-for-6, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homer, hitting .315. I’m shocked no one has yet hit for the home run cycle, a solo shot, a 2-run, a 3-run and a grand slam. Can I bet that prop bet in Vegas, because I like the odds, whatever they are.

Rafael Devers – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .323.  Can’t fight the Devers!

Max Scherzer – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.41, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Before each sip of Mountain Dew, I don’t have to say ‘Do unto others as they Do the Dew onto you,’ but why can’t I?”

Matt Adams – 1-for-5 and his 16th homer, hitting .243.  Mean’s while, I have Ryan Zimmerman who’s asking Tulo to check his bookmarked WebMD page for a checkup, and he has Chia foot.

Anthony Rendon – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .314. Perhaps this is false like my teeth, but I feel like if I ever own Rendon, he’s hurt. I don’t own him, and he’s an MVP candidate.

Daniel Murphy – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .287.  I like Murphy as a buy low, so don’t take this the wrong way, but Derek Dietrich had ten homers in like two games.

Ryan McMahon – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .265. Seeing Murphy and McMahon’s home run totals, and knowing Dahl’s are low, I looked at their team stats. The Rockies are the 22nd worst home run-hitting team.  <emphasis>THEY PLAY HALF THEIR GAMES IN COORS.</emphasis>

Adam Plutko – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.83. Aptly, there’s only one K in Plutko.

Jose Ramirez – 3-for-6, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting over-.325 in July. Jo-Jo Ram, you are a riddle wrapped in a pickle and the riddle says, “How do you wrap something in a pickle?”  Too bad all his owners threw their computers out of a window in April, May or June and are not witnessing this.

Hunter Dozier – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer.  Dozier’s having himself a nice little season, that was briefly sidetracked by injury. He’s gonna be a fun one to peg for 2020. Peg like figure out, not peg like a Peg Boy.

Mike Montgomery – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 0 Ks, ERA at 5.67.  This is gonna sound sarcastic, but I’m being sincere. Always been a big fan of Montgomery. He’s sneaky in deep leagues. Streamonator hates his next start, but vs. the Jays? Meh, if the league is deep enough to consider, I’m kinda interested. If you have to think, “Is my league deep enough?” It’s not.

Alex Wood – Scheduled to return on Sunday vs. the Rockies. I haven’t spoken much about Wood. With the #MeToo movement and–*intern whispers in my ear* Being told I can’t make jokes about that.  Thought police — one, Grey — zero! I’m not very enthused about Wood — that’s what she said!  Take that, Thought Police! — he has had a 2.72 ERA and 3.68 ERA in his two most recent years, so I guess I should ease the brakes. If you’re dying for starters, I won’t stop you. I am not actively adding him to my teams.

Ian Happ – Recalled from the minors.  I think I actually own this schmohawk in one deep league, but he disappeared for so long, I honestly couldn’t tell you which team it is. Happ was hitting .242 with 16 HRs in the PCL, which is a league where it’s like hitting with an aluminum bat on the moon it is so offensive-minded, i.e., Ian was barely passable in the minors.

Yasmany Tomas – Recalled by the Diamondbacks. Whoa, Shaw, Happ and Tomas all on the same day. It’s the Ghosts of Sleepers Past. Tomas was hitting in Triple-A, but, again, for the back of the room, he better be hitting in Triple-A! Hitting in Triple-A was never the problem. I have no idea where Tomas is going to play; maybe the D-Bags are about to trade Ketel Marte for Shelby Miller. Too soon?

Joe Musgrove – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.29.  Pirates pitchers are great. Dot dot dot. Until Ray Searage gets his hands on them. Streamonator hates Musgrove’s next start, and, as I keep saying, I don’t trust any Pirates pitchers.

Matt Carpenter – Cards said Carpenter will likely remain on a rehab assignment a little longer than they expected.  Haha, riiiiiiiiiiiiight.  Yes, eleven I’s. Here’s the Cards thinking, “We’ve actually started winning, do we really want Carpenter back with us?”

Miles Mikolas – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.19. Is Mikolas above or below the Line of DeMarquezation?  Just above it, and he’s foisting his own “Miles Marker” on people.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3 and his 22nd homer, 4th straight game with a homer, hitting .253.  Au Shizz!  You can now claim Au Shizz is out of his early-season struggles, and I’ll bend the knee, partially, but when you look away, I will straighten my knee right back. Even with the power returning, he’s hitting .222 since the break, and has no full month over the .300 threshold. This is not your slightly younger cousin’s Au Shizz.

Kolten Wong – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer.  Wong Dong!  Which was also a working title for a Sixteen Candles spin-off.

Blake Snell – Will miss a month with arthroscopic surgery on his left elbow to remove loose bodies. David Caruso flips up his sunglasses, “I see loose bodies.”  That’s from the hit TV drama, CSI: SP You.