Max Fried went into the House That Sandy Koufax Built, during Passover, and hid the Afikoman from the Dodgers for 7 innings. For you gentiles who don’t know what an Afikoman is, imagine I was accidentally misspelling the rapper Afroman’s name and you were playing hide and seek with him. That’s an Afikoman. *stares at the ceiling* Damn, I thought balloons would fall if I made the first mention ever of a Afikoman on a fantasy sports site. No luck there, I guess the Hebrews didn’t pay for the balloons! Rarely do I make two straight ledes from the same series. From Freeman to Fried, man. From a guy who looks like he has teeth made of wax to Max. From a guy who abandoned his Atlanta roots to a guy who hears often, “Why don’t you call more?” Max Fried went 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.50. I suppose it’s harder to hit an unleavened ball. Nice to see Fried bounce back from his last two meh outings, but this is why I keep telling you to be patient. We really have no idea about anyone yet. Even Max Fried was able to go from meh to mensch. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Huascar Ynoa – Optioned to Triple-A. Woof, that’s a quick hook for him. Guess they need him to mature a little, or they just fell in love with Elder. Braves do seem to just randomly promote starters, get success from them, and then they disappear just as quickly. Watch Elder — now on AMC! — do well, then disappear just quickly as he appeared. Will be holding Huascar in NL-Only leagues, but in most mixed that won’t be an option.
Casey Mize – Still awaiting more tests on his elbow. Call him Caey, because there’s nothing to Smize about.
Cole Irvin – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.32. He’s on my AL-Only team, so I decided to look at his stats, and *loud cackle* A 5.4 K/9? Is that for real?
Alex Cobb – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.82, but left early and hit the IL with a groin injury. Think that’s called being Cobb’led.
Logan Webb – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.55. This day/night doubleheader of Cobb/Webb was brought to you by this Spider-Man multiverse video:
Tylor Megill – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.20. Megill pitches his worst start the day after Jimmy McGill returns, and his pitches were breaking bad. On a side note, I have a theory about Better Call Saul — this isn’t a spoiler, I hate spoilers, but if you want to skip to the next blurb, now is the time — So, my theory is, you remember that plane crash from Breaking Bad? Could that be how Jimmy loses Kim from Better Call Saul? We never see her in Breaking Bad, but that doesn’t mean she’s dead, but she could be. Hmm…hmm…HMM!?
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.50. Gotta love that Scherzer at his age zips right through 100 pitches thrown. He’s like the only pitcher left in the majors!
Salvador Perez – 2-for-3, and his 3rd and 4th homer. Still wouldn’t draft a top catcher, but he’s at least paying dividends.
Hunter Dozier – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Don’t sleep on this hot schmotato Dozier, which translates to sleeps, in baseball-lese.
Josh Staumont – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.60 and his 2nd save, as Scott Barlow worked a clean 8th inning against the bottom of the order. Barlow, good for limbo, not so much for saves. Bullpen chart was updated.
Daniel Vogelbach – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Also, in this game, Rowdy Tellez (1-for-3, 2 RBIs) hit his 2nd homer. Together, Vogelbach and Rowdy are the WWE tag team, the Thicc Bois. Their finishing move is, Unbuckling the Belt.
Manny Machado – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Machado really building us up for when he takes two months off mid-summer.
Tommy Pham – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Pham loves being back in San Diego. But can’t imagine his back loves it.
Tyler Stephenson – Left after a home-plate collision. The Reds are cursed, aren’t they? I could see Dumb Bell reading a curse list like, “1. Don’t feed them after midnight? Why not? The little fella’s hungry! 2. Don’t expose them to sunlight? Sun never hurt anyone! 3. Don’t get them wet? But he’s starting to smell funky!”
Daulton Varsho – 1-for-8 and his 2nd homer, hitting .171. Fo sho? Varsho!
Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 1.38. A’la Method Man in All I Need, “And I got Mad-Bum to give, to you in a trade if you believe his ERA.”
Tyler Gilbert – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.59 vs. Joan Adon – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.87. This matchup was billed as, “Joan vs. Tyler or I love Rock ‘n Roll/in an Elevator.” If the Streamonator liked either of these guys, I’d struggle to grab them, but both of these lineups have roughly one hitter apiece.
Stephen Strasburg – Hasn’t started facing hitters yet. Strasburg isn’t a pitcher, he’s an NFT pitcher. Not f***ing tangible.
Josiah Gray – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.14. Aside from the long ball to Varsho, Jo-Jo Gray looked Mos Def. Wait, he looks like him all the time, but he looked good too. Ms. Fat Booty approves.
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .191. His swing looks so late, or he’s guessing wrong. Could he have finally gotten old in his 33rd season in the majors?
Jon Gray – 5 IP, 4 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 7.00 vs. Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.19. Thankfully, their last names were the laws of diminishing returns and not their velocity. Ray’s velocity was up from his last start, but not up to last year’s numbers. I’m still not concerned, but I’m less not concerned, if that makes sense. Robbie Ray went from slinging Ks to fish since he moved to Seattle. Robbie Ray: Seattle’s Best Contact Pitcher. Please let him get better.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .189. A lot of weird things going on with averages right now, but .189 for Eugenio? Yeah, that sounds about right.
Jarred Kelenic – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .182. And, unlike Eugenio, I really hope Kelenic isn’t batting sub-.200 by May, but, honestly, I’m not sure yet. He’s truly struggled with contact since he was promoted, said Mr. Exposition.
Kyle Freeland – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 7.71. Before the game, he signed a five-year deal for $64.5 million. Irrelevant for fantasy, but I just love the galaxy brain shizz of tying Freeland up for five years. Yo, Rockies, no one wants him! You can have him! “If you don’t know who the sucker at the table is, it’s you” is the Rockies’ front office motto.
C.J. Cron – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. I mentioned in the preseason that I put $10 on Dom Smith to lead the majors in homers. Yes, yes, laugh it up, chucklehead! I put money on a handful of others too. One of them being Curtis Jackson Cron.
Justin Steele – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.50. Hey, I just grabbed him in my RazzSlam waivers yesterday. Only three months until I can drop him again!
Patrick Wisdom – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!
Yusei Kikuchi – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.24 and this start was in Fenway and I get sonavbenched again! Brutal luck early on for the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it).
Zack Collins – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .400. Not to pick on Alejandro Kirk, but if you rostered Danny Jansen, then, when he got hurt, grabbed Collins, you’d be doing so much better than Kirk.
Garrett Whitlock – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.93 and his 1st save. He could get the next fifteen saves, or not another save until June. Think it’s Robles, Diekman, Whitlock, but not that order, and I have no idea of the order. I’d roster all of them, and now watch Matt Barnes get the next save.
Gerrit Cole – 1 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 6.35. He walked Schoop with a .184 OBP; Baddoo with a .160 OBP, and, practically the Votto of the bunch, Tucker Barnhart with a .278 OBP. “Cole didn’t have it” is an understatement on par with Harrison Ford doesn’t always land his plane where he wants to.
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 0-for-2, hitting .292, as he hits 7th, and gets platooned out of the lineup. Mean’s while, Jesus Sanchez (2-for-4) has been hot and I like him, but he’s a leadoff guy? C’mon, man. Can’t Jazz tell Mattingly his face is just as nice without a mustache and be done with this?
Jesus Luzardo – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA 4.82. I’m no expert on the Bible but two days after Jesus rises, does he then die again?