Dustin Pedroia will hit you two homers (3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) and then run out after the game to help hawk papers, “Extr-ee, extr-ee, read all about it!” “Keep the change, kid.” “Thanks, mister!” While Pedroia sold Boston Heralds on the corner, Hanley Ramirez (also homered twice; 2nd one was a grand slam; 2-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs) was tricked into a youth-rejuvenating oxygen chamber by piping in the smell of roasted pig. All the Red Sox did was put a game-used Sandoval jersey over a fan. Buncha tricksters! Or maybe that’s trickstahs in Boston. Also homering yesterday was Mookie Betts (2-for-4, 2 runs). Well, in this game. In other games, everyone homered at least once. If your fantasy team didn’t hit at least three homers yesterday, check again, you might’ve been accidentally looking at your fantasy football team. New commissioner-slash-new-step-dad, Rob Manfred, wants your love and if that means using juiced balls and no curfews, so be it! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ryan Braun – Braun and Ron Roenicke and the Brewers media and all Brewers fans had one thing to say this preseason, Braun’s thumb is fine. Technically, they didn’t lie, but they forgot to mention everything else of Braun’s is a sneeze away from hitting the DL. Yesterday, he strained his rib cage, and he’ll likely be DL’d today. I wouldn’t be surprised if this lingers for weeks into months into “Why did I think Braun was going to bounce back, please explain that to me again.”
Kyle Lohse – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER. Miller and Coors — What’s the difference?
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. “Hello, tattoo parlor, I was wondering if I can get Arenado’s face tattooed on my body. Where? Hmm, how about on top of my face?”
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-5, 1 run, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. In our first Fantasy Deathmatch, we have Common Sense vs. Walt Weiss. Will Common Sense win and force Weiss to play Dickerson every day?
Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Away ERA: 0.00. Home ERA to come: Infinity.
Troy Tulowitzki – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI and was lifted early for Descalso, breaking Tulo’s string of consecutive innings played at eight.
Dan Uggla – 0-for-3 as he started at 2nd base. His walk-up music was FourFiveSeconds, which is also how late he was on a 83 MPH fastball by Fartolo Colon.
Max Scherzer – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, but Desmond had two errors leading to three unearned runs for Scherzer. If Desmond could escape his demons, he’d have perfect D.
Jenrry Mejia – Had elbow stiffness in the bullpen while warming up. The Mets trainer said, “He looked like he was sweating heavily without much effort, but then I realized it was just his Soul Glo.” Mejia’s almost definitely headed to the DL and could be moonwalking into Dr. James Andrews office for Tommy John surgery. I grabbed Jeurys Familia, wherever he was available, not because Familia is a cousin or something, but because he’ll likely be saving games until Parnell returns, if Mejia can’t go. Yes, Buddy Carlyle got the save yesterday, but that was because Familia had already pitched and Buddy Carlyle is a retired blue jeans advertising mascot from the 60’s.
Bartolo Colon – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. He looked fatabulous!
Sonny Gray – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks and carried a no hitter thru seven innings. That’s why they call yesterday in my house, “Opening Gray.” Plus, it’s got more of a ring than “Opening Yovani.”
Ben Zobrist – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. It’s ‘brist, baby!
Josh Collmenter – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER. C’mon, let Randall Delgado at least get a few games started. What do you have to lose? Besides 100 games.
Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks and only 277 innings since last year. Yes, I plan on counting his IP for the rest of his career or until he gets hurt.
Joe Panik – 3-for-5, 2 runs as he hit 2nd. He did hit over .300 in three-quarters of a season last year, so I’m watching Panik to make sure I didn’t miss anything when I wrote him off this offseason. I mean, he is on pace for nearly 500 hits this year.
Jason Grilli – Named the Braves closer and got the 1-2-3 save yesterday. That’ll at least save some fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) the trouble of messing with Jim Johnson or Juan Jaime. Sucks that I just changed my fantasy team’s avatar to Jesse Jackson and renamed my team This Is Juan Jaimetown.
Chris Archer – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. He didn’t look right all game. From the lead-off dribbler by Alejandro De Aza (1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer) that Archer threw away to the homer by Steve Pearce (1-for-3, 2 runs) in the 6th. Yesterday, Archer looked like he couldn’t hit the Times Square apple off the top of Beetlejuice’s head. Hopefully, next start out will be better.
Chris Tillman – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Rays. Okay, can I pre-order 90 streams vs. the Rays and 90 streams vs. the Phils? The Rays had Asdrubal Cabrera (0-for-3) hitting third, and, after looking at their lineup, it actually made sense.
Travis Snider – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs. Maybe his post-post-post-post-post-post-POST-post-post-hype sleeper year will finally be his breakout.
Ryan Flaherty – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer as he started over EverCab at shortstop. It’s no Flaherty to get benched for Flaherty.
Matt Cain – Will undergo an MRI on his tight forearm. Well, we all know MRI stands for Am Arm Injured in Broken Lithuanian, so there goes Cain.
Masahiro Tanaka – 4 IP, 5 ER. Was perfect through the first two innings, which is gonna make it hella awkward for the guy that drafted him and then slipped into a coma after the 2nd inning of the Yankees game. Tanaka Coma Man, “You might want to have some orange juice before you look at your team. Get your blood sugar up a little.”
Brett Gardner – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Spring’s coming early, cause I see the Gardner. *high-fives self* Ow, carpal tunnel!
Michael Saunders – Out a few more weeks. Buh-buh-buh-but he had an accelerated timetable. Shizz’s already in the iCal. Changing the iCal leads to procrastination. Please, Saunders, don’t form bad habits for me.
Devon Travis – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Yes, it’s too early to say hot schmotato, but I really like Travis and think he could replace Russell Martin (1-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs) in the two-hole. Referring to the Blue Jays’ lineup, not Alyssa Milano’s. Her two-hole is off the table.
Drew Hutchison – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Born In 1927 Yankees. I gave you a Drew Hutchison sleeper this preseason. You, “Preseason sleeper? Season’s a day old, I’m dropping half my team!”
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Bleh, everyone has one homer. Step up your game, Frazier!
Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. There was also a 35-minute rain delay in the 6th inning, which makes me think two things 1) Cueto’s last year might not have been a fluke. 2) Why was he sent back out there? Is the Ghost of Dusty Baker managing?
Jay Bruce – 1-for-2 and his 1st homer. The fantasy team I drafted in March 2014 is doing great! Thanks, Bruce!
Chris Hatcher – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. Leave it to Mattingly and his stupid clean-shaven face to not announce a temp closer, then to go with the guy I didn’t draft instead of Joel Peralta, the guy who I didn’t want to draft but did draft. You have no consideration, clean upper lipper! I wouldn’t hold more than one of these guys, and will hold Peralta for a few more days, but it looks like the fill-in closer is Hatcher.
Wil Myers – 0-for-3, 1 run and a steal as he led-off. I ain’t hatin’, I’m liberatin’ if he’s leadin’ off and stealin’. By the by, if anyone sees where I misplaced my G’s, just let me know.
Will Middlebrooks – 0-for-4 as he started at 3rd base. I grabbed him yesterday morning when I saw he was starting and batting fifth. And that enthusiasm wore off sometime around the Padres’ third time through the order.
Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks outdueled Corey Kluber 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. The only real winner of this game was the Hard K. I’m not a huge fan of Keuchel’s lack of strikeouts and velocity, but I sure would’ve taken junk sinkers over Archer’s just junk yesterday.
David Price – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Tlosses, excuse me, Twins. Price looked in control the whole game, giving up five singles, no walks and not much else. Next, Price gets the Indians. $24 in trinkets says they don’t have a chance.
Jose Iglesias – 2-for-3, 2 steals. Well, I’m not picking him up yet, but this has me watching him like a cyclops with a monocle. Maybe he feels obligated to make up for missing last year. If he’s running like this, he could be sneaky value in deeper mixed leagues.
Alex Avila – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Know how many homers in a week it takes for me to start adding a catcher? Two, so Avila’s got one more to go and then all bets are off and I begin to pick the catcher scab.
Phil Hughes – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Tigers. Not a great start, but check out that K-BB! That’s like being too drunk to, um, perform and being told, “We can just cuddle.”
Brad Miller – 2-for-3, 1 run. Must…resist…urge…to…pick…him…up.
Jeff Samardzija – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K. I learned how to spell your name for that? For shamezjia.
Jose Abreu – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. It might just be me, but when I get a home run from my first rounder, it’s so much less exciting than when I get a homer from some random schmohawk I grabbed off waivers.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer as he batted 2nd (!). Whoever fooled Mostsuckass into thinking it’s still spring training, kudos to you, kind sir and/or ma’am.
Alex Rios – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and the season’s first slam and legs. Rios will either get 20 HRs and 50 SBs this year or 6 HRs and 12 SBs, and I can’t imagine much in between.
Yordano Ventura – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks then in the 7th inning, he threw a pitch and fell to the ground like thousands of Thetans had possessed his body. Turned out it was a thumb cramp. Hmm, last year, he left a game holding his elbow in pain and missed only one start. *wavy lines* It’s 2024 and I can’t wait to see Yordano starring opposite George Clooney in that new war movie. I hear during the War of 2018 battle scene, where Delaware attacked all those obese people, Yordano is incredible as General Michelle Obama.