Wain You’re Wright, You’re Right

“When you come through Ellis Island with a whole boatload of Nootbaars, do you go to immigration or declare them with VAT?” That’s me talking to myself while watching Lars Nootbaar with a game-saving catch for Alex Reyes and the Cards, and securing the win for Adam Wainwright (8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.10). Adam Wainwright has a 3.10-ish ERA across the past two seasons. Suddenly, every MLB hitter vs. Wainwright is Carlos Beltran. After the game, Wainwright said, “I would’ve thrown a complete game but I remembered we paid a cab driver $2500 to take Lane Thomas to Washington, and I thought that it was really clever how we paid the cabbie, so I was reading a Wiki-How to sign up for Venmo during the 9th, i.e., I was distracted.” Fair enough, Wainwright! He honestly doesn’t need to do much more. Outside of Zack Wheeler, I don’t think anyone is throwing 200 IP this year, but Wainwright is actually in the conversation at 162 2/3 IP. On the Player Rater, he’s in the hunt for a top 15 starter season, and, excuse me, while I kick myself in the shins. That’s exactly the type of bargain-basement draft pick that makes all the difference in deep leagues. People (yours truly, included) out there chasing upside, and Wainwright chaperoning fantasy teams to first place, and putting the prom in promised land. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 19th homer. Au Shizz!

Gregory Polanco – Pirates placed him on waivers, because they were told, “You can’t place your whole team on waivers, you have to choose one player.”

Luis Patino – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.53. The thin layer on Luis shows he’s only 21 years old, even if he has the maturity of much older pitcher. Wait, that’s a patina, not Patino. Ignore! I streamed Patino on Saturday — thanks, Streamonator! — and Streamonator hates his next one.

Nelson Cruz – Hit the Covid IL. The Rays will likely need to do contract tracing to Nelson’s Saturday night bingo games, the store where they sell Life Alert and his grandson’s choir practice.

Dallas Keuchel – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.71. White Sox’s division is such a goof. They might be the only ones with a .500+ record. What does this have to do with anything? White Sox seem like they’re in playoff-mode, which isn’t great for guys resting, and coasting. By the by, Coasting is what they should call surf music.

Reynaldo Lopez – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 1.86. Kinda loving Rey-Lo, but yesterday’s game in Tampa wasn’t a good matchup. Streamonator likes his next, and as long as he’s in the rotation, I’d grab him.

Reid Detmers – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 7.11. Detmers’s got a 7.11 ERA and picking him up off waivers means taking a Big Gulp.

Triston McKenzie – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.83, has now only allowed three hits across the last fifteen innings. Strong Bean needs to setup his sticks and take a picture of whatever he’s done recently and repeat, repeat, repeat all of next year. Possible? *emoji that looks puzzled and eats soup with a fork* I don’t know. Maybe, prolly not. These last few starts give hope, and if he’s available anywhere, I’d go back in on him.

Cal Quantrill – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.04. So, Cal beat SoCal. Send the title to print! Get me a cigar! We’re properly *hang loose sign* Cal-ibrated. After Plesac bombed out this year, and Quantrill replaced him as the Guardian to have, who’s next year? *looks at a stickman drawing* Sorry, no one’s coming to mind. *sees two twigs from Blair Witch wearing a Cleveland jersey* Still nothing. *watches the Slenderman* Oh, Triston McKenzie! Yeah, maybe.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.19. 2020 was scary. Not a good year for Ed-Rod. Was concerned for him. Sent thought bubbles into the air wishing him well this year, but was out. Not wanting to draft him. No way, Hosea, worst winner of Top Chef. But I didn’t want his career derailed. Can you imagine drafting him next year? Uh, yeah, that ain’t happening here.

Kolten Wong – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Kneels down to talk to a young boy, points towards the stands, “Timmy, there goes a Wong dong.” Cancel police bust through the doors, showing their badges.

Lorenzo Cain – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Clapton’s H2H fantasy team named, “Lo-Cain,” lost another week 1-12, but that was more because he wasted all 500 moves on picking up Ryan Sherriff, then immediately dropping him.

Carter Kieboom – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Without lifting a finger of research to see if this is true, I wonder if because the Nats are actively starting Alcides Escobar and Lane Thomas that the bases are empty for Kieboom, so pitchers are like, “Here’s a fastball, do whatever you want.”

Keegan Thompson – 4 IP, 2 ER, 2.42, as he was recalled from the minors. This was a good matchup and the results were still yawnstipating. Still Keegan Thompson is doing better than whatever the guy who played Kel is doing.

Nicky Lopez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 18th steal, hitting .282. He has ten steals in August and I’m typing up this blurb without the use of my fingers.

Carlos Hernandez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.97. Hard slider, decent curve and a 98 MPH heater that he runs up to 101, and I’m not talking the California freeway. Not putting on my black belt to join the Chuck chorus, nor am I there to enter the dragging to say this was vs. the Cubs, so it means nothing. I’m intrigued, y’all! Not fully sold, but not ignoring him anymore, either. Might put down a stream or two on his next start vs. the M’s, even though the Streamonator hates him.

Tyler Naquin – 2-for-4 and his 17th and 18th homer, hitting .268, and in the leadoff slot again as the Reds think a baseball season is one long palindrome and we’re nearing the end of April again as we march towards, uh, March. These two dingers were Naquin’s fourth homers in the last five games, so Aristedes Naquino is back and should be grabbed (if available, um, dur).

Vladimir Gutierrez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.68. His peripherals are so gnarly, that it wouldn’t be my team where I was Putin, Vlad.

Mike Moustakas – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. Moistasskiss! That gives a bunch of abandoned-for-fantasy-football teams a much needed homer!

Sandy Alcantara – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.35. I like him, you like him, blabbity-blabbity-burp. Marlins need to trade one of their twelve great starters for a bat this offseason, otherwise the Ng in the GM’s office will stand for “not good.” Though, as Podcaster Geoff mentioned to me, it would be cool (from a real baseball standpoint) to see the Marlins piggyback all their starters. Not great for fantasy. Imagine Edward Cabrera coming in for innings 5-9 after Pablo Lopez? Drool.

Touki Toussaint – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.69. Something just inherently wrong about 3.69. A 2.69 works, and a 4.69 is fine, if a little Caligula-esque. 3.69 is a lie.

Jorge Soler – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last three games. Teams better hope they don’t see the Braves in the playoffs, because if they get a hot Soler, Joc, Ozzie, Duvall, Riley, Freeman and Dansby, they’re gonna eat. Even without Tildaddy!

John Means – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.50. Meh, fine, solid bounce back, but I’m still out. For the rest of the season, tee bee aitch.

Taylor Widener – 5 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 5 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.34. I activated Widener in one league for this start in Coors, without realizing it wasn’t in Arizona. In conclusion, it’s better to be lucky than having even a modicum of sense.

Daulton Varsho – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer. Have no real problems with David Peralta, but the Dbags know what they have with him. That they haven’t played Varsho every day in the outfield for the last three months shows you how terrible their team decisions are. Dbags and the Colorado Suckies are two of the worst teams for personnel decisions. Don’t worry, Rangers, I’m not forgetting you, I’m just choosing to focus on this game.

Kevin Gausman – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.47. 95% of starters right now are like Wesley Snipes, getting screwed when they’re taxed.

Logan Webb – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Just gave you my Logan Webb fantasy. It had no problem walking over a pyramid of crates.

Frankie Montas – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.84, but lost the win because AJ. Puk’d up the lead, and, well, the Giants can’t lose, like, Parker Lewis.

David Price – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.82. Man, this guy has become some bleh.

Kenta Maeda – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.66. Just…*barely able to lift head, with last breath*…Can’t-a Maeda.

Diego Castillo – Hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. At the deadline, the Rays traded Rich Hill and Diego Castillo. Good luck to the Twins for the prospects they got for Nelson Cruz! I’m sure they’re gonna work out great! Any hoo! I’ve been Steckenrider or die for a while now because of them sweet vultures cricling above the Mariners’ saves. Paul Sewald is there too, and he’s actually been better, but might be too good, and used in high leverage situations before the ninth inning. Ya dig? No, Graveman’s now on the Astros.

Logan Gilbert – 4 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 5.16. Gilbert got fried.

Kyle Seager – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 29th homer. After the game, Kyle zoomed with his parents so they could show him some of Corey’s best groundouts of the past few days.

Ty France – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .292. Shotgunning my Bud, waving my American flag, screaming, “Freedom flies!”

Framber Valdez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.94. Remember that 2.94 number because if Framber has a bad September, I could see going back and recounting his ERA towards the tail end of August.

Alex Bregman – Supposedly about to be activated from the IL. “Hello, Astros’ front office, I was wondering if it’s possible to ask Alex a question? Who am I? Um…Well, I roster Mike Trout in a fantasy league–Hello? Don’t hang up! I’m just wondering if Alex saw Mike Trout anywhere! Hello? Hello? Ugh.”

Steven Matz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.94. Brooke Burke could get one strikeout slow-pitching against Meatloaf, Dan Cortese and Mario Lopez, so that’s sad, but Streamonator liked this start. It doesn’t like his next one, though I’d prolly stream him anyway.

Miguel Cabrera – 1-for-5 and his 13th homer, his 500th homer. Can remember when Miggy was Juan Soto with everyone talking about how he was a generational talent and so young, and in conclusion:  We old.

Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-3 and his 25th and 26th homer, hitting .247. Check out this Khris Davis imposter!

J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (14) and legs (8). Surprised to see him run that much, guess that’s how Jerry Tomato can *pinkie to mouth* ketchup.

Aaron Nola – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.33. That *motions wildly to Nola’s pitching line* That’s what I expect every start. Where was that this year?

Kyle Gibson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.06. This is what kind of year it’s been. Nola does that, and that that is good, but Gibson does this and this is that better.

Alec Bohm – Optioned to Triple-A. Sure, especially when you have another great option like….um….Ronald Torreyes, the Mike Schmidt of the Torreyes household. The Phillies didn’t allow Alec Bohm to field questions on the demotion in fear he’d make an error. *stares out across the horizon, mushroom cloud billows up* Hey, look that’s 100% of people who had Bohm dropping him. Not sure why Bohm’s power was diffused this year, maybe they cut the wrong wire. Should’ve known there was something wrong when his parents named him Alec when the ridiculously obvious Adam was right there. Did you people not collect Garbage Pail Kids? Then I don’t trust you, nor your child, and I could’vs been out on him. Was so obvious! *smacks self, turns to mirror* I’d give you another, Grey Albright, if you weren’t so cute. My Bohm shares have to be down there with my prop bet future bet on Travis Shaw winning the MVP in 2019. Actually, that’s his new name for me, Alec “Travis Shaw for MVP” Bohm.