Yasmany Tomas, Odubel Herrera, Nomar Mazara. What do those players have in common? Guys that were in last year’s top 100 outfielders post that made it out like this is Orange is the New Black and those guys were Taystee. Only then Taystee got reincarcerated and brought with her that badass b*tch Vee, and Vee then started running shizz and that white ho, who the show was originally about that is annoying AF, started getting institutionalized with panty-selling and lez ho’ing and–Well, anyway, you get the point. There’s not a ton of sunshine in this top 100 outfielders, but occasionally you do get glimmers of hope. All the 2017 fantasy baseball rankings are under that link-ma-whosie. As always, my projections and tiers are included. Anyway, here’s the top 100 outfielders for 2017 fantasy baseball:
81. Brett Gardner – This tier started in the top 80 outfielders for 2017 fantasy baseball. This tier goes from here until Moss. I called this tier, “Bet you can find at least one guy in your league who likes these guys more than me.” You best believe someone is gonna be like, “You go ahead and draft that Josh Bell flyer, I’m gonna take a guy that has 50-steal speed, 15-homer power and is leading off for the always-dangerous Yankees!” You can then tell them the last six-plus years of sporting event results because they’re living in 2010. 2017 Projections: 72/10/37/.255/15 in 521 ABs
82. Michael Saunders – Signed with the Phillies to likely platoon in right. Too bad Saunders didn’t sign in Korea and come back a well-groomed, bearded black man like Eric Thames. 2017 Projections: 61/17/66/.248/2 in 468 ABs
83. Avisail Garcia – Every preseason I look at Avisail and think this is the year he goes to 25 HRs, 12 SBs, and every year I’m disappointed. Obvi it’s not meant for Avi. 2017 Projections: 54/15/67/.251/6 in 455 ABs
84. Howie Kendrick – Already went over him in top 20 1st basemen for 2017 fantasy baseball.
85. Melvin Upton Jr. – A note to Jays and White Sox fans, it’s not good if you see multiple players from your team in this post. Rays, A’s and Phils fans already know what’s up, and it’s not expectations. 2017 Projections: 39/15/47/.235/20 in 404 ABs
86. Melky Cabrera – Do you remember that time Melky designed his own pharma website to try and fool MLB into thinking the drug he was taking was legal? That needs its own movie. Someone get Luis Guzman on the phone! 2017 Projections: 70/12/73/.284/2 in 570 ABs
87. Corey Dickerson – He went from a .312 hitter to a .245 one by leaving Coors. The crazy thing is I think if Dickerson were traded back to the Rockies tomorrow, he’d be a .300 hitter again. Of Coors, he would. 2017 Projections: 49/22/58/.250/4 in 464 ABs
88. Danny Valencia – Already went over him in top 20 1st basemen for 2017 fantasy baseball.
89. Brandon Moss – Already went over him in top 20 1st basemen for 2017 fantasy baseball.
90. Mitch Haniger – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Parra. I call this tier, “Convoluted acronym that connotes excitement.” This is the kinda tier earlier you would’ve seen at least one sleeper post in, but we are damn late and outside of AL & NL-Only leagues, these guys won’t likely be drafted. And, honestly, it makes sense. You prolly won’t get a thing from these guys, but they have fringe upside appeal. I think there’s also an HGTV show about upside appeal. As for Mitch, I liked Haniger a lot when he was on the Diamondbacks, likely would’ve wrote a sleeper post for him if he was starting there. Now, I’m a bit tepid, but he could get into 20+ homers and steal a handful of bases. The average might cause me to sing, “Mitch don’t kill my vibe.” 2017 Projections: 52/17/61/.238/6 in 435 ABs
91. Michael Conforto – Stop being so hard on your players, Mets fans. So, Conforto hit .100 for, like, three months. You can’t blame him for that. It’s the Curse of the Mets Can’t Have Anything Nice. Until there’s a 30-for-30 about the Curse of the Mets Can’t Have Anything Nice, you won’t believe me, I know. It’s real though. In 1987, Lenny Dykstra was on a three-day bender, when he DUI’d into three trees in three days. On the third bender, as he stumbled away from his one-day-old Mercedes, he unknowingly walked under a ladder where two construction walkers were discussing the supernatural occult movie, Angel Heart. Seismically nothing more needed to happen, they were cursed. Or maybe you can blame Conforto since he’s total garbage vs. lefties. How’s ever, Grandy, Asdrubal, Duda, Jose Reyes, Jay Bruce, d’Arnaud and Neil Walker. How’s that sound? Like a solid 2010 team? Does Conforto have a chance to crack that? If he can’t, he doesn’t deserve to be in the major leagues, which, if recent memory serves, he didn’t last year. Okay, onto positives. If he qualified last year, he would’ve had the 14th best Hard Contact rate about the same as Kris Bryant. For those not in the know, it’s hard to find a weak sista in the Hard Contact Rate top 15. Some hit everything hard or hit nothing, such as Chris Carter. If Conforto gets back to his solid plate discipline he displayed prior to last year, all or nothing shouldn’t be an issue for Conforto. Things could happen. Or it’s just the Mets again. 2017 Projections: 51/18/58/.261/3 in 412 ABs
92. Andrew Toles – He’s got superstar written all over him. See, he fell asleep on the Dodgers’ charter and Corey Seager wrote, “I’m a superstar” on him with superstar in large caps. Toles has great speed, but he’s a crazy wild card for playing time and whether he can hit major league pitching. 2017 Projections: 56/5/27/.251/19 in 405 ABs
93. Steven Souza – You know that Souza always gets me so jazzed. Pun points! He’s got speed and power, but he can’t stay on the field. Sad Souza. 2017 Projections: 57/16/54/.227/10 in 451 ABs
94. Tyler Naquin – You know what you have when there’s five guys all vying for one lineup slot and Naquin is barely the best? A Naquinella. 2017 Projections: 44/13/48/.254/6 in 368 ABs
95. Cody Asche – Five ladies and gentlemen, your starting DH for the White Sox! Rymer Liriano could see ABs here, and he’s slightly more interesting, but that’s like saying eating shoe leather is slightly better than a seat cushion. Will be a last minute guessing game for those in AL-Only leagues for all of these awful at-bats. 2017 Projections: 47/10/44/.241/5 in 345 ABs
96. Ryan Rua – Already went over him in top 20 1st basemen for 2017 fantasy baseball.
97. Steve Pearce – Already went over him in top 20 2nd basemen for 2017 fantasy baseball.
98. Gerardo Parra – Already went over him in top 20 1st basemen for 2017 fantasy baseball.
99. Jace Peterson – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Quinn. I call this tier, “Part-time SAGNOF, full-time projectile vomit explosion all other times.” SAGNOF has its roots in you’re not getting anything but some cheap steals. But some other earlier SAGNOF guys give a few homers, some runs, maybe average, possibly an RBI if they’re lucky. These SAGNOF’ers may as well be pinch runners. As for Jace Peterson, already went over him in top 20 2nd basemen for 2017 fantasy baseball.
100. Raimel Tapia – Already gave you my Raimel Tapia fantasy. It was written on a Rocky Mountain High and the projections were 72/5/51/.291/33 in 465 ABs, but that was prior to the Rockies getting Desmond and not moving on from Blackmon or CarGo. Now, the general gist of the post remains, but Tapia won’t be up until midseason or until an injury hits. By the way, my high school band, General Gist, used to rock quinceaneras with our original song, “You Make Me Hot, Tapatio.” 2017 Projections: 31/2/19/.297/16 in 269 ABs
101. Mallex Smith – With his trade to the Rays, I have no idea where he’s going to play. Platoon with Colby Rasmus for the Collex Rasmith platoon? Platoon with Corey Dickerson for the Mallorey Dickith platoon? Platoon with Kevin Kiermaier for the Kellex Smaier platoon? No idea. My guess is mostly with Mallorey, making him a Mallex P. Latoon. 2017 Projections: 33/3/18/.241/18 in 225 ABs
102. Roman Quinn – This guy’s speed is the ultimate offensive spark, so I will call him Roman Candle. I will call him that only about once a week when he plays. 2017 Projections: 29/4/35/.237/25 in 305 ABs
103. Angel Pagan – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Markakis. I call this tier, “Terrence Malik.” By the tier name I mean, you watch these players do nothing long enough on your team and you start inventing deeper meaning on why you own them like watching a Terrence Malik movie. As for Pagan, he’ll be 36 years old this year, so my question is: why is Sabean playing so hard to get?! Sign Pagan already! 2017 Projections: 53/10/57/.266/12 in 443 ABs
104. Alex Gordon – This guy should be in a Alex P. Latoon too, but the Royals dismantled their championship team faster than you can say Loria, and there’s no one left in town to platoon with Gordon. 2017 Projections: 54/15/59/.232/6 in 455 ABs
105. Jayson Werth – For what it’s Werth, if you got his previous year (21 HRs, 5 SBs, .244) again, I wouldn’t kick it out of bed this late. Nats’urally, that’s a pipe dream. 2017 Projections: 57/14/63/.238/4 in 476 ABs
106. Colby Rasmus – Signed with the Rays and will be the strong side of the left field platoon with Johnny Field. Well, strong relative to other side. Johnny who?! 2017 Projections: 47/17/56/.232/3 in 414 ABs
107. Nick Markakis – I miss the days when we’d shout Sparkakis when he’d homer. Now we yell Markakis when we stub our toe in a Greek diner. Well, I do at least. 2017 Projections: 64/10/69/.263/1 in 567 ABs
108. Denard Span – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until O’Brien. I call this tier, “Duck Dynasty.” By the tier name I mean, these guys are trash, but they’ll have moments when they’re entertaining. As for Span, he’s become barely SAGNOF of late. Last year, he hit 11 homers and stole 12 bases, after being caught 7 times. Nick Markakis called and said, “Hey, you stole my stat line.” Then Ben Revere said, “I think you have the wrong number.” 2017 Projections: 64/7/38/.273/12 in 478 ABs
109. Charlie Tilson – Already gave you my Charlie Tilson sleeper. I wrote it while rolling down a mountain inside a hollowed-out log. UPDATE: Tilson has a stress reaction in his foot and is in a walking boot. Apparently, he’s no Nancy Sinatra and he’s sidelined for a month. 2017 Projections: 43/2/24/.263/16 in 387 ABs
110. Tyler Collins – He had a year in Triple-A in 2014 where he hit 18 HRs and stole 12 bases in 121 games. Dot dot dot. Which comes out to a full season of major league stats of roughly 12 HRs and 5 SBs. Dot dot dot. And he won’t play a full season, only vs. righties. Dot dot dot. If that. Dot is also a sexy girl name. 2017 Projections: 38/10/44/.244/4 in 355 ABs
111. Aaron Altherr – He could go 10/10 in only 110 games, which gets my prorating heart beating if I think about fifty more games, but he’s never even played 60 games in a season in the majors, so, um, yeah. 2017 Projections: 37/9/39/.241/9 in 322 ABs
112. Nori Aoki – He reminded me of Steve Aoki, which reminded me of the Netflix documentary about him, I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead, which put me dead asleep. 2017 Projections: 50/3/25/.285/7 in 371 ABs
113. Nick Franklin – He has 7 games started at 2nd base, six at 1st base, five at shortstop and 16 at outfield, so Franklin might have eligibility coming out the wazoo. His stats also look like they pass through his wazoo. 2017 Projections: 31/9/34/.257/8 in 299 ABs
114. Hyun Soo Kim – If a lot of Cuban guys have been disappointing lately — I’m farting in your direction, Rusney Castillo — then how about former Korean players? Kimchi hot, Korean players not. 2017 Projections: 44/8/25/.291/3 in 335 ABs
115. Joey Rickard – Doesn’t he sound like a Latin baby kangaroo? Meh, maybe it’s me. 2017 Projections: 31/8/20/.257/10 in 280 ABs
116. Seth Smith – Was traded to the Orioles this offseason. Baltimore lispers rejoyth! He will make up a platoon with Rickard and Kim. It’s amazing that Trumbo didn’t get a $50 million one-year contract because the Orioles needed him so bad. Maybe all good fortune for anyone with the surname starting with Trum ended in 2016. 2017 Projections: 53/14/49/.245 in 360 ABs
117. Scott Schebler – As I’ve mentioned previously, I look at other peoples’ projections. Sometimes they steer me a little, but I try to draw my own conclusions. Any hoo! Schebler’s Steamer projections are down for 60/20/65/.252/7 in 481 ABs. Oh. *stops to read War and Peace, finishes last sentence, closes book* Kay. Steamer’s goofy love for Schebler last year is why I ended up with him on an NL-Only team which led to one of my worst teams ever. Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice and you should be in Texas, because that’s where that expression is popular. (Now watch Schebler actually contribute this year.) 2017 Projections: 44/12/49/.257/4 in 378 ABs
118. Eddie Rosario – This guy is a weird bird. Not Hunter Pence Gangly Manbird weird, but weird in that if Rosario plays a full season or only plays in 90 games, he has the same stats at the end. Like a rooster that cock-a-doodle-do’s at the same time every day whether the sun’s up or not. 2017 Projections: 49/11/53/.264/7 in 407 ABs
119. Lonnie Chisenhall – The only time all year I got to see Lonnie’s defense on a daily basis was during the playoffs, which brings me to my question: how the hell does Tito play Lonnie for 126 games in the outfield? Ben Stiller in There’s Something About Mary had better judgment on fly balls. 2017 Projections: 46/12/58/.275/3 in 375 ABs
120. Matt Joyce – The epitome of a platoon player: he gives you all that he has in part-time action and can survive in tundra conditions. Or maybe that’s a hibernating caribou. 2017 Projections: 48/17/59/.235/2 in 398 ABs
121. Jurickson Profar – Already went over him in top 20 1st basemen for 2017 fantasy baseball.
122. Jarrett Parker – Will share time with Mac Williamson and Gorkys Hernandez, i.e., blaxploitation and ruskieploitation. Parker had a 23/20 season in 2015 in Triple-A, but, unfortch, Sabean won’t play him until he’s 38 years old and he’s only 28. 2017 Projections: 47/11/51/.229/6 in 345 ABs
123. Mikie Mahtook – If anyone’s reading this in the Detroit area, then you should move. Kidding. No, if anyone’s reading there, please go to a game and scream at Mikie, “I Mahtook you for a good player!” 2017 Projections: 28/8/31/.226/6 in 289 ABs
124. Michael Taylor – He’s one of the most productive once-in-a-blue-moon players, so put an orange slice garnish on his head and use him when he plays. 2017 Projections: 29/8/19/.242/15 in 255 ABs
125. Peter O’Brien – He signed with the Royals this offseason, so he could see time at DH. Right now, he looks ticketed for the minors, but that could change in the spring. O’Brien’s big day will be March 17th. Sorry, now I’m just reading my iCal plans for St. Patty’s. 2017 Projections: 29/15/46/.218 in 265 ABs
126. Bradley Zimmer – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Meadows. I call this tier, “Dynasty leagues aren’t just for Blake Carrington.” Already gave you my Bradley Zimmer fantasy. It was written without the letter U. 2017 Projections: 39/6/24/.228/21 in 354 ABs
127. Lewis Brinson – Already gave you my Lewis Brinson fantasy. It was written on the westside with The Game. 2017 Projections: 37/10/32/.231/15 in 315 ABs
128. Clint Frazier – Already gave you my Clint Frazier fantasy. It was written while in a hula hoop competition. 2017 Projections: 28/4/34/.241/8 in 255 ABs
129. Austin Meadows – Already gave you my Austin Meadows fantasy. It was written while listening through a stethoscope to a baboon heart. 2017 Projections: 19/3/15/.289/6 in 105 ABs
130. Ezequiel Carrera – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until the end of the list. I call this tier, “LOL is really kinda sad.” I was listening to a podcast (Tell Me Something I Don’t Know) recently and they were talking about how this person went through thousands of text messages across many different age groups to see when LOL was used and what it actually meant. Its real meaning is not laughing out loud, but is more melancoly. For unstints, a text message would read, “Boss just told me I need to work even later tonight LOL.” No one is actually laughing anymore. So, this tier gives me the LOLZ, but in the sad way. To the tune of Disco Inferno, “Churn, baby, churn, the Amish Carrera!” 2017 Projections: 39/4/29/.241/12 in 370 ABs
131. Jon Jay – Will split time with Albert Almora, who sounds like every Puerto Rican kid I went to high school with, only he went by the name Papi and played handball. As for The Federalist, he’s very democrat with his production, a little of this and a little of that. He’s definitely LOL, Lots of Littles. 2017 Projections: 41/6/45/.276/7 in 364 ABs
132. Brock Holt – Brock Holt for President! 2017 Projections: 38/7/31/.261/5 in 311 ABs
133. Albert Almora – Hey, it’s Lil’ Papi! 2017 Projections: 35/5/28/.251/4 in 324 ABs
134. Austin Jackson – Signed late in the offseason to platoon with Naquin. You can go ahead and call that platoon, Naustin, which sounds like the pharmaceutical name for a nausea medicine. 2017 Projections: 30/4/29/.271/9 in 311 ABs
135. Arismendy Alcantara – After you stub your toe in a Greek diner and exclaim, “Markakis,” you look up and see a picture of Arismendy Alcantara in a flowing white robe. 2017 Projections: 37/7/23/.219/10 in 305 ABs
136. Trayce Thompson – Trayce, Andre Ethier and The Big FraGu are all vying for time with Toles. Trayce André FraGu is also the flamboyant chef behind the cronut’s distant cousin, the crocruller. 2017 Projections: 33/10/31/.231/6 in 275 ABs
