Chad Green was out there painting corners like he was on work release and someone decided the yellow curb needed to be yellower! Green ball in the corner pocket is what he felt! Green was dealing like a sad-looking, poker dealer at a poker room that is badly lit, which is known for having great dealers! Green for the money, gold for the honeys! Yesterday, Green was the envy of the league, though not a shizzton happened, admittedly. He threw 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 11 Ks vs. the Jays. Because his name is Green! Nah, that’s prolly not the reason, but it’s an interesting thought. Green has worked well in the minors (1.52 ERA in Triple-A), and gets strikeouts (9.5 K/9) with his mid-90s MPH fastball, and cutter. At this point, I’d still rely on the Stream-o-Nator with him for shallower mixed leagues, but I could see a flyer on him in keeper leagues for a chance there’s something here moving into 2017. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Alex Rodriguez – A spokesman for A-Rod said he will not play for any other team this year. Unless, of course, you consider playing for another team the buff girls at the strip club.
Brett Gardner – Out again yesterday after fouling a ball off his ankle on Friday. Gardner’s been pretty awful this year, which is what you say. I reply, he hasn’t been good, but, on our Player Rater, he’s been better than Sano, Josh Harrison, Tulo, Kimbrel, Archer, Justin Upton and Lorenzo Cain, to give you a fruit basket of apples and oranges.
R.A. Dickey – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.51. I’d contend the Mets trade of Dickey to the Jays is a top five move by that organization. Of course, when compared to how they’re still paying Bobby Bonilla’s salary and traded a prospect by the name of Nolan Ryan, Altuve’s hurdling that bar.
Danny Salazar – Will return from the DL on Thursday. That gives Clevinger the ax. NOOOOO!!! RUN!!!
Josh Tomlin – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.14. Solid bounce back start from Tomlin, who had surrendered 14 ER in the previous 8 2/3 IP. Homers allowed is still a big problem for him. He leads the majors with 29 HRs allowed, followed closely by Kennedy/Dickey, which sounds like revenge porn if Marilyn Monroe were still alive.
Rajai Davis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (11) and legs (32). JB and I go over Rajai on the podcast that’s coming later today. You are so excited. Yes, you are!
Steven Wright – Aiming to return from the DL next Tuesday in Tampa. After the game vs. the Rays, Steven Wright will be performing at the Chuckles Emporium.
Drew Pomeranz – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.99 and 4.59 on the Sawx. Usually I don’t list both, but I think it’s necessary with Pomeranz. This start was at Progressive Field, which would’ve insured that I sat Pomeranz. According to the Stream-o-Nator, things don’t get better for his next start either. I’m currently watching Keeping the Faith with Stiller, Norton and Dharma sitting next to a life-size cutout of Faith Evans, and I still have no faith in Pomeranz.
David Ortiz – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .312. Before the game, the Indians honored Ortiz by donating $10,000 to a local recreation program in his name. Then, to honor Ortiz, the children at the local Cleveland recreation program spent the $10,000 on dookie-phat, Ortiz-like gold chains.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 19th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Jackie Bradley Jr. sounds like a Boston person, right? Only Jackie Bradley Jr. would be a white female who tells her daughter to say she’s her sister, once used hairspray to ward off an attacker and would be played by Melissa Leo in her biopic.
Michael Fulmer – His rest-of-the-season workload was discussed yesterday with Ausmus saying, “He’s making it exceedingly difficult for us to keep his innings down. If he keeps going nine, it’s not going to resolve itself.” At that point, a coach should’ve leaned in to Ausmus and said, “Psst, you are the one that decides how long he pitches for. If you don’t want him to go nine innings, you can take him out of the game.” Then Ausmus could’ve put his hands by his head and mimed an explosion.
Miguel Cabrera – Left yesterday’s game with a biceps strain. During the game, he had it wrapped in ice, kinda like how he keeps his cervezas.
Daniel Norris – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 1 K, ERA at 3.47. Damn, what was his expected ERA in that game? 7.50? (Yes, I could look it up, but it’s more fun to guess.)
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .305. He had a freak injury this year, and has performed when he’s been on the field. What I’m getting at? If he drops far next year, just because he missed some time, then I’m gonna be a Just Dong buyer. For those that found us in Google from searching for “Dong buyer,” welcome! We won’t judge you here.
Ian Kennedy – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.78. On a day three of the top starters for home runs allowed pitch, and I have .190 or lower on all my fantasy teams. Yes, this is about me.
Garrett Richards – Will begin a throwing program. For those keeping track, he should’ve went for Tommy John surgery on May 7th. He’s now on pace to make a go of it in the Arizona Fall League and Tommy John surgery will follow around December. Good use of your time, Richards!
Mike Trout – 1-for-2 and a slam (23) and legs (20), hitting .311. Still the King of Slam and Legs, which is the drawing I’d make on a Denny’s placemat if they left behind crayons from the last customer.
James Paxton – Won’t start on Tuesday after all, and now appears headed to the DL. You thought you were getting a two-start pitcher, instead you got a ziplock bag of apricots that your grandmother packed you. In his place will be Ariel Miranda, who requires me to say, “You have to right to remain silent and not stream him.”
Felix Hernandez – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks in Anaheim. Seems like F-Her always does well in the Big A! Which might be NC-17, depending on the taste level.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 30th homer. Next year, February Grey is going to say something like, “Cruz is the safest bet for 30 homers in baseball,” and then Cruz will finally be jinxed.
Matt Moore – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.14. Okay, but imagine how bad it would be if he were in the AL. That would’ve been a 1 IP, 8 ER game. Little consolation? Yeah, didn’t think so.
Denard Span – 3-for-5 and his 6th homer, hitting .263. Denard says your Ben Revere comparisons show your typecasting needs work.
Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-5 and his 13th homer, but 1st homer on the Giants, as he hits .222 for his new club. Can’t say I’m completely surprised the Regression Fairies followed him to San Francisco.
Tyler Glasnow – Left his rehab start with renewed shoulder discomfort. That’s baseball speak for “Shut down for the year, pray his career isn’t derailed.”
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer as he batted eighth. Brocktune! I mean, I love that he produced, but I almost wish he wouldn’t do anything because he keeps making C**nt Hurdle look smart batting him in front of the pitcher.
Drew Smyly – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.85. Is there anyone more money at home? I’m glad you asked! He entered play yesterday at home with a 4.43 ERA. So, I’m gonna say, no, he’s not money, he’s kinda like what my aunt sent me. Let me explain, she mailed me a lottery ticket back in May, but I just opened it. Hey, you answer hundreds of comments a day and see if you can answer your mail promptly. Since I don’t play the lottery, I didn’t know what this ticket was, so I looked up the date on the ticket and the numbers matched. Seriously. They matched. I lost it; I’m rich, bitch! Little did I know, she sent me a printout of the winning lottery numbers. Is every aunt crazy? I think she’s running some kind of Nigerian “Congratulations you won ten million, now send me a million” scam on me.
Logan Forsythe – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, and his fifth home run in the last nine days. Well, that’s pretty hot. He’s like the Florida version of Neil Walker. I will call him, Needs A Walker.
Kevin Kiermaier – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (7) and double legs (11, 12). He’s hitting around .300 in the last week, but wasn’t doing it with much power until yesterday. If you remove the apostrophe from the previous sentence and move the S to hitting, that could also describe my mornings.
Yangervis Solarte – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, and his 2nd home run in the last three games. Damn, wasn’t he just hot? I thought we were done with this schmotato, but it looks like he’s heating it up again.
Shin-Soo Choo – Hit the DL with a fractured left forearm. Earlobe. I’m answering you. You were thinking what hasn’t Choo injured in some way in the last two years. Earlobe. But there’s always next year.
Adrian Beltre – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 19th homer. Since Beltre dedicated that homer to Prince Fielder, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the guy that got the Prince tattoo, though I think that’s of the artist formerly known as. Or Rerun from What’s Happening.
Martin Perez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.09. That would’ve made a nice stream, but if I ever see Martin Perez on any of your fantasy teams, I will slap the Martin right out of your fantasy.
Ryon Healy – 2-for-3 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and actually was left in to play the whole game. Hot schmotato alert!
Max Scherzer – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.95. Nobody comes into Coors and escapes with their dignity. No dignity, no doubt. Gettin’ paid is Scherzer’s forte. Each and every day, true player way. Except in Coors. No dignity, no doubt.
Wilson Ramos – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer, hitting .331. Damn, I wonder how good my jokes would be if I had Lasik.
Jayson Werth – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .255. He’s in Coors, where Dante Bichette was a .340 hitter.
DJ LeMahieu – 4-for-4, 1 run, hitting .337. He’s a .275 hitter. Not even joking. He’s hitting near-.380 in Coors. That’s what Coors does! And makes you pee a lot.
Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-5 and his 21st homer. He has nine homers in the last ten games. Every other hot hitter can eat a bag of phallic-shaped Cheetos.
Ken Giles – Activated from the paternity list. Kind of a jerk move to name his kid, GregersonandHarrissuck. Especially since it was a girl. Honestly, I wouldn’t mess with Will Harris after Googling him.
Yulieski Gurriel – Was promoted to Triple-A after hitting .118 with no extra base hits in Double-A. Keep hitting like that and he’ll fit right in with all other Astros prospects called up this year.
Lance Lynn – Starting a rehab assignment in High-A Palm Beach. He’ll be playing toss with Tiffany Trump at Mar-a-Lago and hitting off a tee with Eric Trump.
Miguel Sano – MRI on his elbow came back clean. In related news, his elbow is a germaphobe.
Travis d’Arnaud – 3-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .256. He has four homers on the year. Betts nearly hit that many in two separate games this year. Doubt d’Arnaud’s d’Elbow is all d’way back. Either that or they should put “d’Arnaud’s power” on the side of a milk carton.
Neil Walker – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 22nd homer. July/August Neil Walker hasn’t seen anyone this hot since April Neil Walker.
Welington Castillo – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .264, as he returned from the bereavement list, which followed his trip to the paternity list, but it’s not as bad as it sounds. There were complications, but his little Tournedos of Boeuf is doing well. Speaking of which, is there anything bearnaise sauce can’t make better?
Chris Owings – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th steal, hitting over-.450 in the last week with three steals. Owings does tend to go on tears like this. Just don’t drop anyone too good for him, otherwise in a week you’ll have cheek tears.
Yasmany Tomas – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Yes, three more homers than Beltre. Hey, you’re the one not owning him.
Robbie Ray – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.47. I had no faith in Ray, but did stream and am happy with the outcome. To be honest, I was expecting anywhere from 3 IP, 7 ER to 9 IP, 0 ER, 12 Ks.
Cody Reed – Demoted to the minors. You know shizz is pear-shaped when a guy gets demoted with two weeks before the minor league season ends, and, even worse, it’s by a team that is playing for nineteen after twenty.
Scott Schebler – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .171. To think, I drafted Schebler instead of Duvall in Tout Wars. Or better yet, to not think.
Billy Hamilton – Left yesterday’s game with a knee contusion. That could be an issue, or it could be nothing, but I don’t know and I’m currently stalling in this sentence to find out how serious it is, but there hasn’t been…any…updates. Ugh, oh well. I tried.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-5 and his 20th homer, hitting .281. OZUNA hit ball far. OZUNA wonder if that’s the same way Giancarlo hurt his ball. OZUNA also wonder if it’s been 24 straight hours that Grey’s thought about Giancarlo’s groin.
David Phelps – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.48. So far — or sofa if you’re a furniture salesman — the Stream-o-Nator has a Pineda-sized woody for Phelps, and hasn’t been wrong.
John Lackey – Experienced shoulder tightness in his Sunday night start, but says he’ll be able to make his next start. I own him in a weekly league, so here was me yesterday, “Lackey says he can start, so I’m gonna take his word for it.” *goes to team page, sees he’s going to Coors* “I’m going to bench him this week.”
Rich Hill – Moved to the Dodgers’ spring training complex in Arizona rather than making his rehab start in Oklahoma City, because his blister is still bothering him. I’m beginning to think Rich Hill and his blister are doing a remake of Planes, Trains and Automobiles.
