There is no truth to the rumor that Elvis Andrus stole his entire playing career from “Fats” Domingo, “Ivory” Roberto Kelly or Nate King Colbert. Elvis hits the covers off the ball better than Cam “Carl” Perkins and Jerry Lee Lewis Brinson. It is not Elvis’ fault that the way he plays the bat is seen as an appropriation of a top shortstop of yesteryear. He’s got the chops to knock down that axe! (All guitar knowledge I possess was used in that nine word sentence.) Yesterday, Elvis Andrus had the best game of an already great season, going 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs with his 8th and 9th homers. On our Player Rater, he’s in the top 20 overall. Not for shortstops, for all hitters and pitchers. Love me tender! Some of the names he’s above Giancarlo, Correa, Mookie and Dee Gordon. Love me sweet! Never let me go! Well, not so fast there. If I thought you could actually get value for Andrus in a trade, I could see it since he’s likely at his peak value. Unfortunately, there’s little chance you’d get back in a trade anything resembling Andrus’ value, so I’d Bubba hold Tep. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Cole Hamels – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.38, as he was activated from the DL. He’s been out a while, so my thoughts on Hamels may not be fresh in your mind. Those thoughts on whether to own him rhyme with dew knot. He’s a steamer (still rhyming).
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. There’s why you paid the big bucks for Beltre (ignore the fact that he has the same number of homers on the year that Scooter Gennett hit in one game; also, ignore what’s being written in this parenthetical).
Joey Gallo – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 20th homer, hitting .197. What a terrible average, I can’t believe someone is hitting that awful. I’m side-eyeing you, Odor!
Michael Brantley – Was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Oh, man, you gotta get *mumbles* into your lineup. He’s the best!” Kevin might be using a recording to cover for him while he’s sleeping under his desk.
Carlos Carrasco – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA up 3.67. Countdown begins until they announce his DL stint. Like a broken clock, every time Carrasco pitches a poor game, he’s broken.
Lonnie Chisenhall – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .311. Racist! Chisenhall is a favorite of the Hitter-Tron this week, like it favorites big, broad-shouldered machines vs. slender ones.
Madison Bumgarner – Began his rehab assignment yesterday in Rookie ball, and is now aiming to return just after the All-Star break. Giants could use him since they need to go approximately 86-0 the rest of the way to make the playoffs.
Jeff Samardzija – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.63. He’s pretty manic in his starts. Either great, or terrifically awful. Yesterday, was like a bit of Prozac and just a nice mellow, okay start. Thank you for the lithium, Samardzija.
Carlos Gonzalez – Hit the DL with a shoulder strain. Too bad, so sad. Raimel Tapia’s got playing time! Don’t just stand there, rush to your waiver wire! For a limited time only, Tapia brings blazing speed and a little bit of power! Act now and we’ll throw in a SAGNOF plushie!
German Marquez – 4 IP, 5 ER. I’ll be honest, I’m a bit perplexed that the entire Rockies’ pitching staff seems to have sold their soul to pitch well until the third week of June, rather than asking for ‘through the end of the season.’
Jacoby Ellsbury – 1-for-5, 2 runs as he was activated from the DL to fill-in for the recently DL’d Hicks. How convenient that Ellsbury got healthy right as Hicks was injured. Convenient like how it’s always my birthday every time I’m in a restaurant that gives free dessert on someone’s birthday.
Matt Holliday – Being sent for tests due to fatigue. Hmm, maybe, I don’t know, send him for coffee?
Jordan Montgomery – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.53. Ugh, I don’t know why I don’t trust Montgomery. Maybe it’s the Stream-o-Nator‘s yawnstipating take on him. His peripherals just do nothing for me. I more than adore Severino, and have given Pineda a crazy amount of chances, so it’s not me overcorrecting for a Yanks’ bias. Just not into Jordan. Maybe I can ask Halp on our next podcast to convince me otherwise.
Tyler Austin – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run, as he takes over 1B for the recently released Chris Carter. Where’s Chris Carter now? Somewhere, out there. *UFO zooms past* Whoa, did you see that? I like Austin as a power bat flyer, but he may not hit .230, and will likely platoon. It’s a’ight, but not a’ight a’ight, a’ight?
Tyler Wade – Being called up to replace the recently hamstrung Starlin Castro. My heart says yes to Tyler, but my head says Tylernol. In Triple-A, he had five homers, 24 steals in only 70 games while hitting .313. I grabbed him in one league where I could use SAGNOF, but he strikes me as a guy that will hit ninth and make nary a ripple in the fantasy pond. Holy crap, I’m poetic!
Todd Frazier – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, hitting .212. Maybe this is the hot streak that he’s so overdue for, but I’ve lost almost all hope. It may never be coming. Damn, I’m supposed to be uplifting, like a fantasy baseball Dale Carnegie, but this shizz is depressing.
Tim Anderson – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .253. I turned that batty call over and made it my female dog!
Brandon Finnegan – Was activated from the DL…and is headed back to the DL with a strained triceps. If you drafted Finnegan or picked him back up, you can push him out to the sea of waivers with a row of floating candles from Bed, Bath Beyond you purchased with a 20% coupon you found in your glove compartment from 1999, as a fitting Finnegan’s wake.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in two games since he was recalled. I was wrong yesterday when I said Grichuk had nowhere to play, he does have a starting job for the time being, Fowler hit the DL. Grichuk is the type to get crazy hot for stretches like a yoga mom, and is worth owning in all leagues where you need power.
Jedd Gyorko – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .298. Jedd’s doing work-o! No? Okay.
Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.50. You know what I’m going to say, right? You know because you’re subscribing to the tools. You’re not? Damn, Freebie McFreeride! I’m going to say the Stream-o-Nator loved Wacha yesterday, and was on the money.
Tommy Pham – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 7th steal, hitting .281, to go with his 9 homers. He led off yesterday due to Fowler being out, and Pham’s been schmotato’ing for so long you don’t need to cyclops him with a monocle. I’d love to be a fly on the wall of a new person stumbling on Razzball. “Oh, look at this, a fantasy baseball site. Martha, my dear wife, will be so happy I found something to partake in my hobby and sensibilities.” Then they read schmotato and cyclops with a monocle and are like, “Should I X out of this browser window or simply hit Command + W?”
Nick Pivetta – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 5.40. PR just gave you his Nick Pivetta fantasy in his top 100 starters yesterday. Of course, yesterday’s post was written prior to yesterday’s game, so it might be slightly rosier in the palm for Pivetta than you’d expect, but yesterday’s game was a terrible matchup, and shouldn’t affect the long-term outlook of Pivetta.
Chris Herrmann – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Herrmann is a batty call where you wake up and see an Adam’s Apple and shrug, “Nobody’s perfect.”
Zack Greinke – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.08. Talk about inefficient (which I’m about to talk about), he threw 102 pitches with only 58 strikes. Zack needs to attack the strike zone or we’re gonna miss bliss, right, Baysiders?
Brandon McCarthy – Hit the DL with fictitious facetiousitis. It occurs mostly in Dodger pitchers who have just had a turn in the rotation, and usually lasts about two weeks.
Rich Hill – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.60. Decent start for someone who has been next to useless. And ‘next to useless’ is ‘pretty effin’ useless.’
Hanley Ramirez – Day-to-day with a sore knee. The rest of the league, “Hey, guy, we go on the ten-day DL now, we don’t do the day-to-day thing anymore.” Hanley, “WUT?”
Jose Berrios – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.98. Pretty meh start until you see he was in Fenway and you’re like, “Okay, Cousin Sweatpants, Berrios went to the belly of the beast and can start anywhere and I’m in love,” rips paper bag cover off book, tries to fashion a new paper bag into a book cover, fails miserably and writes “I heart Berrios” on the actual book. Go ahead and fine me!
Chris Sale – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.77. Without doing any actual research, I’m going to say this is the first time in his career he had less than ten Ks in a start.
Mitch Moreland – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and third homer is as many games. I said hot schmotato yesterday. Today, I say, “Yup, and dur.”
Adeiny Hechavarria – Rays acquired him in a Hechavarria boring trade. Is it me (it’s not me) or do the Rays acquire a middling middle infielder at least once a year? Rickie Weeks, Brad Miller, Matt Duffy, now Adeiny. Outside of AL-Only leagues, there’s nothing to Adeiny. He’s a glovechild of Omar Vizquel and Joey Cora.
Willson Contreras – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer as he hit leadoff. Cubs could hit Mark Zagunis leadoff and he’d hit a home run. Gotta give it to him, the one thing Joe Maddon has done that mothers, doctors and even wives, in some cases, have not been able to do, keep fantasy baseballers on their toes. We don’t even like to stand!
Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 2.87 vs. Eddie Butler – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.71. This matchup of Butler vs. Gonzalez is what someone like myself who doesn’t know any other sport but baseball calls the first round of March Madness. Someone who is not ignorant talking to me, “It’s Gonzaga.” Me blissfully ignorant, “Bazinga!”
Francisco Rodriguez – Nats signed him. He’s from Caracas, Venezuela, and, coincidentally, he’s the carcass of his former self, but even save vultures shouldn’t feed on that, it’s diseased. Yes, Dusty is crazy enough to use K-Rod in high leverage situations, but unless you call everyone ‘champ,’ chew on a toothpick 24/7, and think 120 pitches is just a warmup, you don’t need to be as crazy. Also, not sure how many people heard, Pat Killebrew died. I didn’t know Pat, but his obituary asked, “In lieu of flowers, send “donations” to the ‘Nationals Bullpen Fund.'” I’m sure Pat would’ve loved that the Nats signed a guy who has a 7.82 ERA and once beat up his father-in-law.
