Me watching Lance McCullers:

The genius thing in that gif is the moment where Tom doesn’t seem like he knows which way to twirl the pool stick, looks about to mess up, and crack a smile, then spins and starts walking away.  Scorsese likely had cleaner takes, but it brilliant that he uses a slightly flubby take because the character Vince is so full of himself even when he shouldn’t be.  There were no such flubs in Lance McCullers’ start yesterday (6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks).  May your God strike me down if this guy isn’t so butter that I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter sees him and says, “You are more butter than I can ever hope to be,” then I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter bows repeatedly, backing out of the room, saying, “Your butterness, I am not worthy.”  As I said repeatedly in the preseason, I was thisclose to putting McCullers in my top 20 starters overall, but his health deterred me.  Well, de-turd this, because he looks healthy and I wish I owned McCullers everywhere.  If he throws 180+ IP, he could be a top ten starter.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brian McCann – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer.  McCullers?  McCann?  How many Mc’s must get kissed?

Hisashi Iwakuma – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Fun fact!  When Hisashi is shopping at a Japanese supermarket, he grabs a bag of udon noodles and sassily says, “Don’t judge, udon know me!”

Seth Lugo – Has a slight tear of his UCL.  For a pitcher, a slight tear of the UCL is like saying someone is slightly dead.

Joey Gallo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run.  Did you see his shot?  Gallo is boxed wine strong.

Delino DeShields – Didn’t start again.  As our podcast guest and Top Chef winner, Harold, emailed me, “Delino is like a bad dry handjob in middle school.”

Carlos Santana – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run as he hits leadoff.  There’s a renaissance of stupid that’s been going around the league for the last year-plus with sluggers hitting leadoff.  I get it, Santana has good oh-bee-pees, but you can’t tell me all of the runs lost through the year due to him knocking in less runners since he’s leadoff is better in the long run.  Put Jose Ramirez at leadoff and move Santana down!

Carlos Carrasco – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I set out to watch Carrasco for the better part of his start, and I did until the pull of McCullers came over me — the McPullers?  The sweet allure of McCullers — McAllurers?  My crush, McCullers — McCrullers?  Carrasco looked fine, overpowering a solid lineup, and got caught on a pitch that Gallo golfed to high heaven.  Went in hoping Carrasco’s health was good, and it looked it.

Jose Quintana – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  More like Jose Hextana.  Have you seen the White Sox park is now called Guaranteed Rate Field?  More like Guaranteed Rake.

Tyler Saladino – 2-for-4, 1 run as he hit leadoff.  Goodbye, whoever I have in my MI spot!  Hello, Saladino!  I had Raul Mondesi, but hitting ninth vs. leadoff is a no brainer.  No brainers are my specialty!

Ian Kinsler – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st home run.  He celebrated his home run with a very refrained jog around the bases where he mumbled to himself, “Notice my boredom, my Latino brothers.”

JaCoby Jones – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs with his first career home run, and the season’s first slam (1) and legs (1).  You know what else has a Hard C?  The bat crack, baby!  I just screamed that like I was Dick Vitale.  Nothing changed from what I said on Monday about JaCoby, but sometimes guys who are really trying to prove they belong in the majors are worth a flyer for upside.

Nick Castellanos – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run.  Could this finally be the Year of ‘Anos?

Justin Verlander – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Ten strikeouts was his best ever for an Opening Day start.  If he would’ve done it topless while covering his nipples with his arm, he might’ve made the cover of SI.  (Sports website rule 17A, paragraph B:  Always work Kate Upton or allusion to Kate Upton into any mention of Verlander.)

Justin Upton – 1-for-3, 1 run but left early with a knee contusion.  You know who else’s knees hurt?  Oops, sorry, filled quota in previous blurb.

Ronald Torreyes – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run.  First time I ever saw him was yesterday and Torreyes has an unmistakable look.

Chase Headley – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1).  He had a three-hit game in his first game.  Yup, you guessed it, hot schmotato!

CC Sabathia – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  CC’s on a worse yo-yo diet than Oprah.  Wasn’t he thin?  I mean, he used to be fat, then thin, then fat, then thin, then…I’m getting a headache.  Choose a weight range and stick to it, I can’t even with you.

Steven Souza – 2-for-4 as he hits leadoff vs. lefties.  Or as some call them, alt-right.

Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Well, he went against the Yankees.  Wait, that means nothing anymore.

Junior Guerra – Expects to miss at least 6 weeks.  Or as Edwin Starr would say, “Guerra, what’s he good for?  Absolutely nothing for a month and a half.”

Adam Wainwright – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Stream-o-Nator was like, “Aw, heck no on Wainwright,” though I’m not sure it will ever like him.

Stephen Piscotty – Will be evaluated for a concussion today, after being hit in the head when running the bases.  When he came to, trainers asked him where he was, and he said, “Piscotty doesn’t know!  Piscotty doesn’t know!”

Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Sell!  Kidding (not really).

Patrick Corbin – 4 IP, 2 ER.  No fear, it’s always 47 months after Tommy John surgery when pitchers return to form.

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer.  Au Shizz!

Jake Lamb – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.  He’s a baaaaaaaaahd man!

Denard Span – Sat yesterday with a sore hip.  Oddly enough, 500 miles away, Ben Revere booty bumped shut his refrigerator door and hurt his hip.

Brandon Crawford – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer.  Never really been a huge fan of Crawford.  Though, I don’t love Eduardo Nunez (2-for-5, 2 runs), Buster Posey (0-for-3), Joe Panik (3-for-4, 2 runs), Gorkys–  Actually, Gorkys Hernandez (2-for-5, 1 run, 4 RBIs) seems a’ight.

Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The Giants got out to a huge early lead, and Cueto cruised to the W at the Ivictory Coast.

Kenta Maeda – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Pretty unremarkable start, especially when you consider the opponent was the Padres, who take from the rich and return a poor team.  A modern day Robin Hood and the Friars Suck.

Yangervis Solarte – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer as he hit cleanup.  On most other teams, he’d be in the cleanup slot only if the clubhouse was messy.

Clayton Richard – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Best start of the year and it’s from a Padres pitcher who is likely on waivers in every league?  Fantasy baseball:  because you really want an ulcer.

Sean Manaea – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Was a popular sleeper starter in the preseason for many people.  He wasn’t for me.  I don’t trust him.  Well, I don’t trust skinny Samoans, in general, but I don’t trust Manaea for other reasons too.

Ryon Healy – 2-for-3 and his 1st home run.  Bummed I didn’t draft Healy on any teams this year, think he could have a huge year and end up a top 50 pick next year.  Fo’Healy.

Jed Lowrie – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st home run, and two hits in the first game.  Hot schmotato alert!

Ryan Dull – 1 IP, 3 ER and the blown save.  Apparently, the C is silent when pronouncing closer for the A’s.  So, one down, three more to go to solidify the A’s closer job.  Who’s up next?  Doolittle?  Madson?  Casilla again?

Cam Bedrosian – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save.  Andrew Bailey pitched the 8th inning, so it looks like The Sciosciapath made the right move at closer.  (Until he makes the wrong move.)

Gerardo Parra – 3-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs.  Each time Parra was drafted in the last round of very deep leagues, I had the same reaction, “Damn, I forgot about him!”  It’s like staircase wit for fantasy baseball.

Mark Reynolds – 2-for-4, 1 RBI.  I mentioned this on the podcast yesterday, but after seeing Reynolds easily homer in the 1st game, I fell in love with the batty call.  As a rapper might say, you shouldn’t make a batty call your wife, but I may hold Reynolds until Desmond returns (or until Reynolds goes 0-for-4 in two straight).

Travis Shaw – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .500 thru two games.  As my underwear reads, beware the small sample size, but we could have a little schmotato action here.

Eric Thames – 0-for-1 as he sat out of the starting lineup yesterday.  ‘Member when I only projected him for 415 ABs in the preseason and JB was like, “Dude, you’re dumb, he’s going to play every day.”  How dumb is dude now, JB?  How dumb is dude now?!

Zach Davies – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Davies is working through The Kinks.