Maikellebrew strikes again! And again! Two homers last night for Maikel Franco (4-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs, hitting .312), his 8th and 9th homers of the season in only his 36th game played. That prorates to, like, 189 homers in a season. (Don’t do the math.) Perhaps I’m drenched in jade, the mother jewel of sarcasm. Perhaps my cup runneth over with Blasé like a bored rapper. Perhaps I’m all cosmopolitan and citified and other words Charlie Manuel would call me, but why do I get the feeling Maikel is going to have a great rookie year than disappoint for the next three years? Has Bruce, Heyward, Machado and so many others taken away my innocence? Is that a Black Flag bumper sticker on a Cadillac? Don’t look back, I can never look back. I sure hope I’m wrong, but with each homer by Maikel, his hype grows and he moves further away from my clutches. But, if we are to entertain the insane for a moment, he’s only 22 years old. What does his future hold? Does only the papier-mâché head of Michael Jack Schmidt that sits on Prospect Mike desk hold the answers? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Chase Utley – 0-for-4, hitting .179. Phillies President Pat Gillick said he hasn’t given Ryne Sandberg any orders about how much or little Utley should play. Then GM Ruin Tomorrow Jr. said, “What he said,” and returned to watching his desk toy, a bobbing head, drinking bird.
Ben Revere – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 18th steal. Ruin Tomorrow Jr. actually traded Revere before yesterday’s game, unfortunately, he forget which team he GM’d and traded Revere to the Phils.
Ivan Nova – Will make his debut against the Phils on Wednesday. Even though this is of no concern to Buck Showalter, he said, “I would’ve had him debut in Coors.”
Mark Teixeira – Likely out until Wednesday with a stiff neck. I thought a stiff neck came with being a Zombino. He’s not exactly a Nimblino.
Michael Pineda – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 4.25. Pineda, when you explode, you could have the decency to rain candy down on your fantasy owners. If there’s anyone out there selling Pineda after this game or dropping him, I’d be a buyer. His peripherals still look tremendous, he’s just having hideous luck.
Brian McCann – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Maybe McCann is priming for another run at the White House. Or is that McCain I’m thinking of? There’s always like 27 Republican candidates so it gets confusing.
Brett Gardner – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .290. Yeah, drafting Gardner eight rounds after Ellsbury was the move. Oh well, maybe next year you’ll remember.
Andrew Miller – Will play catch on Wednesday. I hope he reserves a nice section of the park for that.
Carlos Beltran – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Hot schmotato alert!
Lance Lynn – Cleared to return from the DL on Thursday. I imagine Ralph Fiennes checking arm injuries and when a guy is cleared, he says, “I pardon you.”
Tsuyoshi Wada – Left yesterday’s start with a shoulder cramp. Lowercase yay for weekly leagues!
Jason Motte – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save, raising his ERA to 3.42 as Hector Rondon pitched the perfect 8th, lowering his ERA to 2.45. I hate Joe Maddon. Like an orange driving a car, there’s no rhyme or reason. Maddon’s got more zigzags than a goldfish in a bowl filled with Red Bull as you tap on the glass (take my word for it). I’d own Rondon, Motte, Soriano and Strop, in that order, but it could be any of them at any moment.
Kris Bryant – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homers. Yawn. How about Maikel?!
Dexter Fowler – 1-for-2, 1 run and left with an ankle sprain. Maybe this will finally be the kick in the tukis I need to drop him.
Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.33. On our Player Rater, he’s been about as valuable as Michael Wacha. Cust kayin’.
Joc Pederson – 1-for-3 and his 19th homer. Don’t want to get too crazy here, but he also has 30-steal speed too, that he still hasn’t unleashed. I’m crazy about him. I just can’t.
Jake Odorizzi – About two weeks away from returning. Long time to wait for brunch, but not that long to wait for a starting pitcher.
Logan Forsythe – 2-for-3 and a slam (8) and a double helping of legs (7, 8), hitting .293. This is funny (not funny). Forsythe is performing well so quietly that I was considering benching him in one weekly league for Alcides, then I checked Logan’s recent game log. He’s hitting over .500 (!) in the last week.
Steven Souza – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 9th steal. Why does Souza make feel randy like Austin Powers?
Joey Butler – 3-for-5, hitting .338. Apparently, I dropped Butler a tad too soon. The hot schmotato is strong with this one.
Kevin Kiermaier – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 8th steal, and his 3rd steal in the last week. Kiermaier has a way with H-O-T S-C-H-M-O-T-A-T-O.
Drew Hutchison – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.33 with this game coming against the Rays. Quite simply, there was so much offense yesterday (y’all a bunch of short schedule Colby Rasmusses!) that if you started Hutchison, you were lucky to get away with only three earned. On a bigger note, I don’t see the point of starting him anywhere. He hasn’t been, how do I say this, good.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. I’m at peace with the fact that I traded Bautista for Strasburg. Strasburg will return this week and throw a 22-inning perfect game, and the trade won’t look so bad. See, total peace.
Chris Colabello – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .347. Is he gonna have one of those seasons where no one believes him the whole year and then almost wins a batting title? I’m thinking of Chris Johnson as a recent example.
Dioner Navarro – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 1st dong. I liked Navarro better when I Googled his name + dong and I found a Carmen Electra sex tape.
Jose Reyes – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer. There must be a clause in his contract that says he had to hit a home run on June 22nd for an extra million.
Roberto Osuna – 2 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks and the save. “I trust one guy for the 8th inning and one guy for the 9th inning.” “So, use them.” “They’re the same guy!” That’s John Gibbons talking to the front office. I’d own Osuna first and Steve Delabar second for Toronto saves, but I have five over-the-internet dollars that says the Blue Jays trade for Clippard or K-Rod (do people still call him this?). If room is tight on your team, Brett Cecil is droppable. Actually, he was droppable in March, but let’s not quibble.
Alex Avila – Nearing a rehab assignment. Now you’re more informed about Avila than the most enthusiastic of Tigers fans.
Nick Castellanos – Missed his third straight game. No one’s in any rush to get him to come back, since he’s hit this year like Castellanus.
Yoenis Cespedes – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. I’d love for this sumsabeach to get hot. Who’s with me?! Okay, I can’t hear you shout, but now that cute girl in accounting thinks you’re crazy. Kidding, she ain’t that cute; your taste is wonky, brah.
Jose Iglesias – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting .325. It’s everyone’s favorite game that’s not really anyone’s favorite game! Where does so-and-so rank in the league leaders?! Maybe if it had a better name people would like it. Any the hoo! Guess where Iglesias ranks in the AL for batting average. Esophagus? That’s your guess? That’s not even a number. Iglesias ranks fifth in the AL. Church!
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .267. Since it’s a slow news day, let’s take a moment to all think about this, Kinsler has one homer on the year. One! Hank Greenberg just rolled over in his unadorned box.
Trevor Bauer – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 3.86. The Regression Fairies are some petty beeyotches.
Roberto Perez – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .210. Scary, he’s almost been better than Carlos Santana (1-for-4, hitting .212), but at least Roberto has catcher eligibility. I don’t think Rob Thomas would even do a duet with this Carlos Santana. You’d get Matchbox 86’d.
Nelson Cruz – Day-to-day with hamstring tightness. Reports are swirling that the Mariners could trade Taijuan Walker for Erik Bedard’s hamstring.
Alcides Escobar – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .279. Someone check Alcides’s legs for yips, I really think there might be something wrong due to his lack of steals. Is Mackey Sasser’s doctor available?
Joe Blanton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.73. So Chris Young passed his teammate, Blanton, the conch shell of WTF.
Robinson Cano – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .244. The team that drafted Kinsler and Cano early is sitting pretty in 10th place!
Felix Hernandez – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA up to 3.24. Up until now, I just assumed Felix was having some blips on the radar. This was the straw that sent me scurrying to see if his peripherals were okay. His fastball velocity is down almost a full mile per hour and he’s not throwing his slider at all. I don’t want to scream fire in the theater of Razzball, but there’s some red flags here.
Addison Reed – Was optioned to Triple-A Reno, where he’ll be the Littlest Big City Closer.
Freddie Freeman – Could need a DL stint, but the MRI results haven’t been revealed yet. Are they waiting for Carson Daly to reveal the results on national TV?
Kennys Vargas – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer. Whoa, no foolsies, that might be the greatest batty call of my life. And I used to batty call like it was my job in college! That batty call was so damn sexy, I’m not dropping him. I can’t, not after he fulfilled every earthly desire.
Byron Buxton – 3-for-5, 3 runs as he was moved to the leadoff spot. I tell ya what, Cousin Sweatpants, I would’ve made some cash-money on DFS yesterday, if I did that sorta thing, because I was all about stacking against John Danks (5 1/3 IP, 5 ER). Sorry, Gavin Floyd!
Brian Dozier – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and a slam (14) and legs (6). I’d be shocked — shocked, I tell ya! — if Dozier doesn’t finish as a top 3 2nd baseman.
Joe Mauer – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .256. Peter Berg should do a documentary about pre and post-concussion Joe Mauer.
Tommy Milone – 6 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.59. Not the prettiest of starts, but as mentioned in the Hutchison blurb, any decent start yesterday was a victory. For Milone, I’d consult the Stream-o-Nator.
Jered Weaver – MRI on his hip showed no structural damage. He just needs to cut his mullet and his ‘hip’ should be fine.
Hector Santiago – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.68 vs. Bret Oberholtzer 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.81. This matchup featured two pitchers that every fantasy owner looks to pick up, but no one does.
Albert Pujols – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homers. Okay, I’m gonna go on a limb and say he’s going to get more than 27 homers this year. Yeah, fairly sturdy limb.
Jose Altuve – 1-for-4, 1 RBI as he returned to the lineup and hit in the three hole. Some site reported Altuve would hit in the eight hole so not to disturb the George Springer and Carlos Correa top of the order. I guess that site forgot that the Astros don’t exactly have a set 3 thru 6 hitter either.
Domingo Santana – 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer in five days. Ugh, I want to pick him up so bad (25 HRs, 12 SBs in Double-A in 2013; he’s only 22 years old), but he just doesn’t have a place to play yet.
Johnny Cueto – Was pushed back from Tuesday to Friday. The Reds said it’s just to give him extra rest. Bryan Price added, “And if there was a reason, why would I tell you, you bug-eyed motherf**kers with your motherf**king typewriters typing up your bull**** motherf**king bull-motherf**king-s**t? You must be jerking my big f**king rosin bag, you c**ksucking mother–” Okay, we get the picture.
Aroldis Chapman – Out on paternity leave, and the Reds will play matchups for a day or two. Wasn’t it about nine months ago that a woman claimed to be tied up to Aroldis’s bed and held against her will? If Aroldis’s baby looks like Jose Tabata, I’d ask for a paternity test.
