Three. Let’s get that out of the way right now, said like Gordon Ramsay. One Polanco to type, one Polanco to dictate the words and one Polanco to move the keyboard around so the typing Polanco doesn’t just keep hitting the same letter. That’s three Polancos. How many Polancos does it take to hit four home runs in four games? That’s one Jorge Polanco. Not Juan Polanco, he’s not a baseball player. Juan Polanco is a cloud competitor in the Vape Olympics. Any of you ever feel down on yourself remember this simply thing: there’s people who compete in exhaling vape. “Hey, guy, you’re not really competing in something, you’re, uh, exhaling.” Jorge Polanco has actually had a decent season (for him), though it’s mostly contingent on his last week. This Buy is wholly contingent on his last week. He’s no longer Jorge Polanco, he’s Jorge Schmotato, and he will rescue your teams from their failings and take out your garbage. Okay, maybe not the 2nd part, but, damn, I wish that were true. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Wilson Ramos – I got no patience, and I hate waiting…*mumbles something that Jay-Z sung that sounds vaguely racist* I understand not wanting to wait for a catcher to do something, but Ramos is worth setting and forgetting like Ron Popeil.
Rhys Hoskins – C’mon, Rhysus is not really owned in only 38% of leagues, right? Can ESPN at least tell us that their ownership numbers are only updated once a month? Please us, Rhysus?! Raise us, Rhysus?! Rhysus, my Gawd and Savior?! Not only owned in 38% of leagues. No way. Or has that many people moved onto fantasy football leagues. (Segue, snitches!)
Josh Bell – Well, Bell — I’m a poet and I’m aware of it! — is no Rhysus or Rhyeezy, but he’s been more than ownable.
Ryon Healy – He’s owned in how many leagues? 37%?! Ugh, I don’t know, guys and five girl readers, it’s the best way to find Buys that I can think of, but if others don’t do their part and own guys that should be owned, the results are skewed.
Kolten Wong – This guy is such a throwback player! Like a throwback to 1903, because he has two homers on the year. Though, Wong has been hot, no homo.
Willie Calhoun – He better get called up for the roster expanding, or we’re over! That’s the royal we, as in we’re wearing a Burger King crown that we stole off some kid’s head.
Nicky Delmonico – *70-year-old women put their half-smoked cigarettes into the ashtray and politely clap* Hello, I’m Nicky Delmonico, and I’m going to make your panties wet. *he pulls a Super-Soaker from his bag and sprays the audience to a less than enthusiastic response* Okay, I’ll just hit a few home runs and sing other peoples’ songs.
Amed Rosario – Forget what you learned over the last five months, it’s now the Amedizing Mets! (By the way, are they using this yet? If not, they should be, and it won’t be long until they are.)
Curtis Granderson – With the trade to the Dodgers, Granderson remains exactly the same kind of player. I can’t remember a player being traded and have his value stay so similar, but I’m only remembering from about August 17th to now.
Delino DeShields – Has been playing every day, and, well, I’m stretching already for compliments, but if you need SAGNOF, go for it.
Yangervis Solarte – Weird week, I could’ve named a bunch of Padres — also Spangenberg, Pirela, Margot — and a few Twins — also Eduardo Escobar, Rosario — but I think that might have a bit to do with what pitching they were just facing. Solarte, however, is a guy I could just see owning.
Kevin Kiermaier – Very similar to Yangervis Solarte. I will call them, Kevervis Kierarte, which also sounds like a new age karate that is done in a very hot studio. “I’d break that wood block, but I’m sweating my nuggets off!”
Matt Joyce – Okay, here’s the thing, there’s plenty of hitters available, but you really need to grab guys based on needs at this point in the season. Don’t really have time to play it out to see how good someone will become. With that said, Joyce is a power-platoon bat.
Brad Ziegler – Was about to say I’ve been so happy with Ziegler since I grabbed him for saves, but that sounds like a major jinx. Ugh, I just jinxed him anyway, didn’t I?
Arodys Vizcaino – This postseason he’s going to interview players while they’re on the toilet. Wait, that’s A-Rod, not Arodys.
Brad Brach – In case the Orioles are lying about the health of their closer, which, ya know, would make them the first club ever to lie about the health of a player.
Sam Dyson – While you’re waiting for Melancon to become the closer again, Dyson has been getting saves. Sorta like when your mother says to you, “While your friends become successful, you blog.” Wait, am I the only one that hears that from their mother?
Tyler Glasnow – Honest question, did someone hear the Pirates say Glasnow would be up any day now? I mean, I know September 1st is right around the corner, but it was as if Ray Searage and C**nt were at a Pirates’ symposium, dressed in Glasnow’s jersey, taking questions from Pirate fans, because I’ve received so many questions about Glasnow in the last few days. Any hoo! I love Glasnow, and would stash him, but rookie pitchers are iffy as all get-out.
Jack Flaherty – I’m a huge Jack Flaherty fan, a Fanerty? No, not a Fanerty. I don’t dress up like a ceiling fan wearing a Cardinals’ jersey and show up at the games. Or do I?! On Prospector Ralph’s top 100 prospects list, Flaherty was 45 overall, and he can give you Ks and command, a lovely combo. The ‘he’ in that is Flaherty, not Prospector Ralph, though, maybe it is him too.
Blake Snell – I like what he’s done recently, but this is more of a Stream-o-Nator call. Like the call it makes to 911 to chat.
Dan Straily – Yes, Stream-o-Nator too, but this start is against the Padres. The Padres wear brown robes tied together with phone cords, does this scare anyone (over the age of consent)?
SELL
Carlos Gonzalez – If you click on CarGo’s name, you’ll see he’s owned in 93% of leagues, and has two homers and two steals in the last 30 days. Jorge Polanco beat that on Monday of this week. I will now laugh hysterically in a public place until someone asks me if I am okay.
A.J. Pollock – How many Pollocks does it take to write a Sell column? Okay, been there, half-drunkenly wrote that. Three, by the way. Three Pollocks. One Pollock to hold the Sell column, and two Pollocks to spin it. Pollock strikes me as a guy that will be difficult to ignore next year, as his draft day price comes back to earth like a UFO I saw in a grainy black & white clip. But this is about this year, and this year? I think you can do better than Pollock, just for the halibut!
