I need to redirect some of my anger. Strasburg has ruined a lot of that sun that’s shining in the smoggy sky. Not owning Harper has hung over me like a wet blanket that has a mixture of Rougned Odor and Marcus Semien’s last names. There’s dandelions to be picked and goofy rhymes to chant while jumping rope with a bunch of little black girls if I can just pull myself out of this fantasy funk. You know what I need? A rookie pitcher! Those have never gone wrong before, minus Velasquez, Foltynewicz, Erasmo, Taijuan, Daniel Norris, Aaron Sanchez, that one game where Syndergaard gave up like a zillion runs in less than five innings and Eduardo Rodriguez’s last game. Other than that, nothing wrong with a rookie pitcher! With that said (reversal time!), sounds like Matthew Wisler is being called up by the Braves. Here’s what Prospect Mike has said about him, “Safe and boring, but useful in fantasy. Wisler’s arsenal includes a plus fastball and a plus changeup with good control of both. The lower strikeout numbers and mid-rotation ceiling limit his overall upside, but the low risk and proximity balance it all out. Sorta of like how I balance writing for Razzball with hating Grey.” Aw, c’mon! PM nailed Wisler there. He doesn’t have huge upside or downside, due to solid control. In shallower leagues, I’d wait and see, but in deeper leagues he’s the kind of guy I’d grab immediately. Now, excuse me, I’m going to jump rope. I can read, I can dance, I have a hole in the seat of my pants! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Bryce Harper – Left yesterday’s game with a mild hamstring strain, which looks exactly like not what he left with. It looked like his knee was bothering him. Meh, what do I know, I only wrote 70% of all the WebMD blurbs. Maybe he has diverticulitis. Have we checked for diverticulitis? It sounds like Harper avoided serious injury, but if you want to form a prayer octagon, I won’t stand in your way.
Doug Fister – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER as he was activated from the DL. Well, when a Fister returns, things will get sloppy.
Yunel Escobar – 5-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .331. This was his third five-hit game this year. Yunel Trout? Yu’ve got to be kidding me. Yu sure Anthony Rendon (0-for-5) isn’t playing in an Escobar jersey?
Brad Boxberger – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. In related news, after Kevin Cash was hired to be the Rays manager, he watched thousands of hours of game film where Maddon was managing. Yeah, this is a mess of a shituation in the Tampa bullpen. Jake McGee closed the last three wins. His ERA is at 2.25 with a 0.75 WHIP and 20 Ks in 12 IP, so, of course, they flip back to Boxberger. McGee pitched the 8th in yesterday’s game too, so it’s not like he was tired. If I can decipher anything from this, McGee was used for the weak part of the order and Boxberger for the top, so Boxberger could have more trust. At this point, I’d own both and hope for another 12-15 saves from both.
Joey Butler – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer, hitting around .350 in the last week. Freckle juice! I thought he went cold and I dropped him. Can I get a do over? What if I make a cute face?
Martin Prado – Hit the DL with a shoulder sprain. That stinks, he was the twenty-two Marlins fans fifth favorite player.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4 and his 25th homer. This homer came in Yankee Stadium, his eventual home from his age 35 to age 41 seasons.
Mat Latos – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks. Honest engine, this was a tough matchup, so I wouldn’t put too much emphasis on it if I just re-picked up Latos. His next start at home vs. the Cards will say more.
Brett Gardner – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBI and his 6th homer. My autocorrect just wrote his 6th Golem. That’s ridiculous; even Spielberg only have five Golems!
Carlos Beltran – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .250. Maybe Te(i)x bit Beltran on the neck or something, but Beltran has been hitting recently. Not great, but over-.300 in the last week.
Kevin Siegrist – 2/3 IP, 1 ER and the blown save, but it came in the 8th inning, so Trevor Rosenthal, who said he’s ready to return, likely would’ve been the closer yesterday had Siegrist not looked like Siegristle. I will believe Rosenthal’s ready after I see him close a couple of games.
Jaime Garcia – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.76, and has thrown 14 scoreless innings, which Orel Hershiser pffts at. Garcia hasn’t pitched more than 55 1/3 IP since 2012, when he went a full 121 2/3 IP. He’s never pitched 200 innings in a season. In fact (Oh, yeah, Grey’s adding on!), he’s only come close to 200 innings in a season once, the previously mentioned one. I’m a Son of the Harpy on this one point because that’s really all that stands between him and legitimate value. His career ERA is 3.42 with a 7.2 K/9 and 2.6 BB/9, i.e., those are number three to four (nice counting, Einstein!) fantasy starter numbers. So, will he stay healthy? History tells us the Jaimes control the media. Sorry, that was history as taught by Jesse Jackson. History tells us about this Jaime that he won’t stay healthy, but is ownable while he is.
Jason Heyward – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. And you thought The Comment Drop Magic was all nonsense like the lyrics to All Night Long. Well, karamu, fiesta, forever, hey jambo jumbo.
Mike Pelfrey – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.97. Unlike Garcia, there’s no explaining bats staying off the Pelfrey. Pelfrey could be related to James Frey, because his stats are lying.
Joe Mauer – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .253. If he had catcher eligibility still, he’d be as good as Francisco Cervelli. Hahahahahaha–Breathe, Grey, breathe! Damn, I almost fell into a cackle coma.
Kennys Vargas – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .235. Kennys won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column because they haven’t been very good, but you know I’m cyclops’ing them, all of them.
Yordano Ventura – Hit the DL with irritation in his hand, and a right cross. Take that, DL!
Alcides Escobar – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th steal. See, was that so hard? Now steal five more bases this weekend, you schmohawk!
Alex Gordon – 2-for-4 and his 1st steal, hitting .271. Not having a bad season (8 HRs), but, man, he’s yawnstipating. Put me to sleep, why don’t you?
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and his 3rd steal. He’s been playing with Khris and Gomez laid up, and hitting (.330-ish in last week). Not going to get a lot from Parra, but maybe some SBs and runs. Hey, I tried to endorse him.
Lucas Duda – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, and first homer this month. Nice of you to join us again. Like Mr. Chiquita Banana, he must hit them in bunches, because he’s been on the milk carton for a while.
R.A. Dickey – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.96 vs. Bartolo Colon 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.81. Dickey beats Colon, as nature and West Hollywood intended it.
Chris Colabello – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .342. He has a hit in nine of ten games and continues to thrive in the middle of the potent Blue Jays lineup, i.e., Cola hasn’t gone flat.
Kevin Pillar – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and his 10th steal, hitting over .400 in the last week. Definite hot schmotato, and will be in this afternoon’s Buy column.
Jose Altuve – Sat out yesterday, but the Astros don’t think he needs a DL stint, saying, “His hamstring is like three centimeters long, how bad could it be?”
Carlos Correa – 1-for-4, 2 runs and 3 steals (4 on year). He’s not having quite as good a year as when Trout won the Rookie of the Year. He’s having a Trout MVP season! What-WHAT-WHAT! Imagine that third “what” even larger; sorry, my HTML skills failed me.
Preston Tucker – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games at Coors. Coors: Here Everyone’s Their Best Self.
Domingo Santana – 1-for-1, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. I don’t even want to talk about how I just dropped him. I just can’t.
Collin McHugh – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA down to 5.04. Um, yeah, that does nothing for my confidence in him. Five walks vs. eight Ks is “I think my shoulder might be dislocated” ugly.
Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer and third homer in the last three games. Too bad this is totally out of nowhere with no one telling you to buy him. Oh, wait a minute, I forgot. I told you to buy him, that’s right. How silly of me. Now put your cape over that puddle so I can traverse it. I want to traverse, damn it!
Melvin Upton – 1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .176, as he hits leadoff. I hate managers, especially new managers trying to make their impact felt. It’s not a good move just because the last manager wasn’t doing it. There’s not enough words in the English language to illustrate the stupidity of hitting Melvin leadoff. Africans can’t even tongue click how stupid this is. Will Venable (2-for-4 with his 6th steal, hitting .264) is now relegated to 7th? Because Tim Murphy’s mixing shizz up like he’s Kid Capri? Oh, please.
Derek Norris – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Okay, one last thing about Murphy’s shenanigans. He’s actually going to think he’s smart batting Melvin leadoff because the Padres won. Ugh.
Matt Kemp – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last three games. Watch out now, Beatnuts! Kemp’s on pace for nine homers! Next thing you know, he’ll be on a double-digit pace like he’s Doug Fister’s brother, Deep.
Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.43. Fun fact! Ted Kennedy’s BAC was .543 from 1967 to 1983.
Josh Phegley – 1-for-2 and his 3rd homer. Only thing worse than Josh Phegley? Listening to his brother, Ed Phegley Jr., drone on about an electric car.
Kendall Graveman – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.02. Stream-o-Nator had him as a negative yesterday in a home start. Takes a lot to annoy the Stream-o-Nator on a home start, which makes me look at Graveman’s peripherals to see if I can figure out why. Oh, that. Yeah, doode’s not good.
Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.78. You know you’re having a pretty okay season when in mid-June you give up two earned runs in seven innings and your ERA goes up. I pardon you, Cole, like I’m Ralph Fiennes.
Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (0 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA down to 4.67. Alphabet Soup has two solid starts back-to-back. Yeah, he needs about seven more in a row, but I’m trying to be positive. Oh well, that didn’t work.
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. I hope the fan who caught the homer yelled, “I got Schwarber balls!” C’mon, Epstein, stop with the nonsense and just keep Schwarber up, and DL Montero. No one will call you a liar. We’ll call you a visionary and ask you to do a Ted Talks.
Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.81. Kinda crazy how some guys have these insane ERAs and then you have Strasburg. Ugh, now I’m crying again. I’m gonna be okay. Just continue reading.
Fernando Rodney – Lloyd Christmas McClendon said Rodney might start seeing saves again. No, he didn’t mean it as in, “Okay, let’s wait until Rodney’s out of the bathroom. I want him to see what he won’t be doing any time soon.”
Ryan Vogelsong – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. For those of you that streamed him, you got quite the Song!
Johnny Giavotella – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Fist pump!
Taylor Featherston – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Featherston sounds like a Harry Potter character. I wonder if he ever played Quidditch with Jordany Valdespin.
C.J. Wilson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.39. Curtis Jackson WIlson has taken some guff for having dandruff. Damn, I’m a poet and aware of it! But his peripherals are markedly better this year — down more than a full walk and a half from last year, and still has a 7.8 K/9. He shouldn’t be dramatically better than his current ERA, but also not that much worse either.
Allen Webster – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER. And here I didn’t think crap was in Webster’s.
David Peralta – 2-for-4, 1 run. Now has everyday playing time with Ender’s days marked by not playing baseball and asking Kirk Cameron to stop bothering him. Peralta hasn’t done much yet, but I’d cyclops him.
Cole Hamels – Won’t start today due to a hamstring strain, but says he’ll be fine for his start next week, and continued, “I”m also fine for any one of the three teams the Phils are allowed to trade me to.”
Ryan Howard – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Those were the only runs that the Phils needed to beat the Orioles because the Orioles scored 57 runs in the first three games of the series and were like, “Nah, we’re good.” Then Showalter and the rest of the guys put cucumbers on their eyes while a school bus of Taiwanese women gave them manicures. Sorry, sometimes it becomes more fantasy than baseball.
Ben Revere – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 17th steal, and now has five steals in the last five games. After this game, Revere downloaded an Autotune app and called the Dodgers, saying he was Magic Johnson and he wanted to trade for Revere.
Manny Machado – 2-for-4 and a slam (14) and legs (10), and his 5th homer in the last week. So, what you’re saying, Machado was the guy to draft on every team this year before he shoots up draft boards for next year? Good to know, Mr. Hindsight, you are quite illuminating. Could you also tell me on Saturday the lottery numbers for today?
Shelby Miller – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.99. Whatever, stop with your blarney, Miller!
Clay Buchholz – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Okay, I don’t even remember what his ERA has been since I told you to buy him, but I think it’s around 2.50. His ERA has gone from 6.03 to 3.87 in eight weeks.
Brock Holt – 2-for-4, 3 runs. Damn, I wish I owned him on more teams. He’s been breathing straight fire like the yoga guy from Street Fighter or like you in middle school before you started brushing every morning.
Pablo Sandoval – Was benched yesterday for liking inappropriate photos on Instagram. Sandoval apologized, noting he meant to like Fritos on Instacart.
