“The top prospect of 2013 is Byron Buxton. Anyone that says anything different– What’s that, you like Jurickson Profar? Damn, he’s good too! Okay, Profar, Buxton and maybe Travis d’Arnaud– What? Reid Brignac? Oh, man, you got me! Wanna play Dominion? No, I didn’t hide any Victory cards under my couch cushion again!” That’s Keith Law talking to his buddies over a Coq au vin. One name they didn’t mention back in 2013 was Tim Beckham, because he was more of a 2009 prospect stud. That was the same year, Keith Law said, “Matt Wieters will be as good as Yogi Berra, and when I get out of my Prius and shut off this Dizzee Rascal, I will tell you why. Talking and driving is very dangerous, especially since I’m wearing Crocs.” Tim Beckham had it all, and the Rays produced all those can’t miss prospects. Unfortunately, they became ‘can miss’ and Beckham faded to obscurity. Here we are in 2017 (*checks calendar* Yup!), and Beckham is only 27 years old and breaking out a little bit. Yesterday, he went 2-for-4, 4 RBIs with two homers (5, 6) as he hits .278. He still strikes out too much (33%), and he has more ‘okay’ power and speed, than blazing speed or huge pop, but, for an MI, I think you do worse. Orlando Arcia, for unstints. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Matt Andriese – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.09. His last name looks normal, but doesn’t it also look like it has a very Italian pronunciation, An-dry-SEE? Like it’s the world’s worst Witness Protection relocation name. “No, you’re going to keep your name, but you’re going to pronounce it differently.” Any hoo! Andriese is a solid streamer, who I’d use with the Stream-o-Nator.
Bryce Harper – Left yesterday’s game with groin tightness. All his fantasy owners are like, “Bryce has given me groin tightness since the beginning of April, and I can still eat Doritos and watch him play, keeping up my end of the bargain!”
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.66 vs. Braden Shipley – 4 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 6.75. This matchup was billed as, “A Cy Young winner vs. a guy whose Facebook friends say, ‘Yeah, Braden’s in the major leagues. Seriously. No, I don’t know how you don’t know that.'”
Michael Taylor – 2-for-2 and two steals (1, 2). Guess who appears in this afternoon’s Buy column. One hint: His name appears in the beginning of this blurb.
Enny Romero – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save because Shawn Kelley has been sick, but there is a legit chance Dusty will wake up tomorrow, remember Romero closed on Thursday and totally forget all about Kelley. Remember, Dusty is a guy that picked up a toothpick in 1992 after eating an especially stringy mango, and hasn’t removed the toothpick from his mouth since.
Jake Lamb – 1-for-2 and his 7th homer. “When day begins to break, I count my good and baaaaaaaaaaaahd.” — William Butler Yeats on owning Jake Lamb.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Au Shizz!
John Lackey – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.14. And now he goes to Coors next. This Lackey ownership of mine is going swimmingly like Natalie Wood. And you know, you just know, he’s going to throw a CG shutout on my bench while in Coors. You know that is going to happen. I wish I could send this horse-toothed jackass to the glue factory. Lackey, your giant white chiclets you call teeth are pissing me off! Why the long face? Because I own you, Mr. Ed! Okay, I need to move on before I give myself an ulcer.
Kris Bryant – 4-for-5, 1 run, hitting .321. Mean’s while, his 1st round compatriot, Anthony Rizzo went 0-for-6, hitting .234. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was a 13-inning game covered by the Chicago Sun-Times, it was an age of wisdom, it was an age of foolishness, it was game that Kyle Schwarber sat out which added to Joe Buck’s blue ballsiness, it was a season of Light, it was a season of Darkness, it was a season where Maddon hits The Federalist leadoff more than Javier Baez and that got you like wut?
Cesar Hernandez – 4-for-7, 2 runs and his 4th steal, hitting .336. I opened his player page and saw he was owned in almost 80% of ESPN leagues, which is essentially being owned in 100% of leagues according to ESPN’s standards and practices, and that makes me happy. He should be.
Maikel Franco – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .231. Not sure why I have so much faith in this young buck, but I’d put all the money I have in my bank account — roughly $23 — and bet Maikel ends the year around .255 with 25-27 HRs.
Cameron Rupp – 3-for-6 and his 2nd homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week, and could finally be coming out of his early-season slump. Hey, if you’re coming out of it, could you grab Tommy Joseph too?
Zach Eflin – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (0 BBs), 1 K, ERA at 2.42. He has a 4-something K/9. Pretend like you know better than to ask if you should pick him up.
Aaron Altherr – 2-for-5, 1 RBI and his 3rd steal, hitting .333. Tehol just gave you his Aaron Altherr fantasy. I’m sure it involved bukakke and Game of Thrones.
Kyle Freeland – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.65 vs. Luis Perdomo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.03. Fun fact! Perdomo is a city between Italy and Croatia that has transferred back and forth between the countries because neither wants to deal with the sewage problem. Each time the city goes up for grabs like a jump ball, city officials yell, “Freeland!” As for fantasy, they’re both bleh and were in Petco.
Ryan Hanigan – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer as he was called up after Tony Wolters had his block knocked. Heavens forbid, the Rockies were to just play Garneau, who I own. Yes, this is about me!
Mike Trout – Day-to-day with hamstring tightness. Or as Trout’s fantasy owners call it, “Please, God, be careful with him.”
Danny Valencia – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!
Ben Gamel – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .333. Filling in for Haniger vs. righties, Gamel is a bit of a do everything okay, nothing great-type. Think AL-Only. I often think about his brother, Mat. I believe he is signing his name on one side of dreidels in Taiwan.
Stephen Piscotty – Sounds headed to the DL with a hamstring strain and Dexter Fowler appears headed the same way with a shoulder strain. The Cards are calling up Tommy Pham, and I haven’t heard anything about Harrison Bader getting the call, but I’m cyclops’ing that sitch with the monocle. For a quick, down and dirty ‘Who is Harrison Bader?’ He’s essentially Fowler, but younger. I will call him Chickadee’er.
Kolten Wong – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 3rd steal, hitting .307. Somehow, Piscotty and Fowler getting sidelined is going to push Wong to the bench.
Keon Broxton – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Maybe Keon Broxton requires the force to hit a ball. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he could be, and I’d grab him if he’s available.
Hernan Perez – 3-for-5, 1 run, as he hits third and sits at 35% owned in leagues, which is baffling. By the way, ‘member when Eric Thames was a thing? Snooze!
Ian Kennedy – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring strain. The Royals said they aren’t sure when Kennedy is going to be able to take the non-grassy knoll again. They might’ve reconsidered their word choice.
Nate Jones – Hit the DL with elbow problems. I always thought of Rumpelpitchskins as starters, but Jones is making a case that a made-up word with no real definition can stand for relievers as well as starters.
Derek Holland – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.02, and his 3rd win. He has a 4.82 xFIP, bleh Ks, bleh walks and the 10th best ERA in the majors just behind Dylan Bundy and Andrew Triggs. Ah, baseball, you goofy bastard, I will call you a gooftard and let your mysteries be like The Leftovers.
Jose Abreu – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .270. This was his 2nd homer in as many games, and fourth homer in six games. ‘Member a full seven days ago how you wanted to drop him? Yeah, not reactionary at all.
Matt Davidson – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .276. You know what kind of year he’s emulating? A zygote? What? I said emulating, not ovulating. Davidson is reminding me of Adonis Garcia. Not a flashy year, won’t be mixed league impressive, but looks headed for a respectable AL-Only year, unless, of course, Moncada steals his job.
Ivan Nova – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners (0 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.14. His K/BB is my bae. I wanna cheat on that K/BB with some girl named Becky with good hair just so that K/BB does a Lemonade-style revenge video, then I’m gonna make up with that K/BB, impregnate it with twins and sell my shares of the Brooklyn Nets for a $500 million profit. That’s how much I love that K/BB, but, I mean, c’mon, walk a few guys here and there rather than giving up hits with runners on base.
Billy Hamilton – 1-for-4 and his 16th steal. May all your SAGNOF be this obscene and get 55 steals while getting on base only 57 times all year. I’m farting in your general direction, Dee Gordon.
Rougned Odor – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .196. Get hot, you sumsabeach! I have a feeling we’re going to be talking in September how Odor’s been hitting .300 since May 1st.
Joey Gallo – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .211. His home runs are so gigantic he calls them MOABs. That’s Gallo’s humor.
A.J. Griffin – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.54. I wouldn’t even use the Stream-o-Nator for Alfredo Jettucine unless you can handle him getting creamed.
Marwin Gonzalez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (2). “…And with the first pick of the draft, he takes Mike Trout. Well, that’s predictable. Wait! He just traded Mike Trout for Marwin Gonzalez and Aaron Judge? That’s insane,” said no one in May. As you can imagine Marwin Gonzalez will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, since he’s hit about fifteen homers this week, but if you have to wait until this afternoon to grab Marwin, I don’t understand what you’re doing.
Jharel Cotton – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.64. If you’re thinking about grabbing him, wait a Cotton pickin’ moment, this game was against the Twins.
Ryon Healy – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer. He must’ve been so jazzed about finally homering in almost two weeks, he got thrown out of the game in the 8th for arguing with the ump. The ump said, “I should’ve drafted Maikel Franco as my corner man,” and Healy disagreed. Vehemently.
Eddie Rosario – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Also, in this game, Danny Santana went 2-for-4 with his 1st homer and Eduardo Escobar went 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 3rd homer. These Twins come in threes, like Kennys.
Byron Buxton – Left the game after crashing into the wall. The Twins said he passed early concussion tests, saying, “We think he’d be able to get back out there and strikeout without any issue.”
Logan Forsythe – Will likely need another week of rest after having a setback in Rancho Cuchamonga, like everyone else who is in Rancho Cuchamonga. “How did we end up here?” That’s a common Rancho Cuchamonga refrain.
David Price – Threw a three-inning simulated game at Fenway, and is aiming to return in late-May. Reality check time: Fully healthy last year, or at least as healthy as he said he was, and he was not good. If you own him, it’s a decent gamble, but I bet as he gets closer to returning you’d be able to get more in a trade than you could get owning him.
Dustin Pedroia – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Sparky Anklebiter is on the board! And on a bored man’s team.
Manny Machado – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (2), as he continues to kill Red Sox pitchers. Note to Boston: Brushback Machado. Bob Gibson is rolling over in his grave…*Googles to see if Gibson is alive, clears throat*…a grave that a very-much-alive Bob dug out for his goldfish.
Seth Smith – 4-for-4, 2 run, 2 RBIs, and his 1st steal, hitting .286. The Lisper’s Nightmare was celebrating bathehith in Fenway, when he stopped to clarify he was celebrating ‘base hits,’ not ‘racists.’
