The Houston Astros who crawled through a river of shizz and came out clean on the other side. The entire organization looks up in the air, rain beating down. Hey, Bus Driver, take the Astros to Zanwhattwonahwho, they finally called up George Springer! No, I don’t know how to spell it! With a Z? For an organization that hasn’t had anything promising since Billy Hatcher homered off a left-field foul pole, it’s about time there’s something to look forward to. They were downright depressing there for about seven years. Here’s what I said this offseason, “In Triple-A, Springer had 18 homers after hitting 19 homers in Double-A. That’s not one year in Double-A and one year in Triple-A even though my syntax might lead you to believe that. He hit 37 homers last year in the minors. Hello, sexy, what’s your name? Do you like your creme de menthe on the rocks? Can I call you grasshopper? 37 homers is pretttttay, pretttttay good. I wonder if he can do anything else. *moves finger along his minor league line* Hmm, too bad he only stole 45 bases last year. Oh. Wait, come again? I mean, I just came again. 40-steal speed from a guy that nearly hit 40 homers? Yummo on that Thirty Minute Meal. Give me some Restaurant: Stakeout, my waitress is sexting her boyfriend during business hours! So, I guess his average is atrocious. Oh, he hit .311 in Triple-A? Yeah, I just had a fangasm; I have to change my undershorts. Is it all peaches and cream on this big slice of pound cake? No, there’s a K-rate that could portend him actually hitting .245 in the big leagues and I wish he were a year younger, but nothing is spelling D-O-O-M.” And that’s me quoting me! I lurve me some Springer and he’s ownable in every league. My preseason projections for him were 52/19/71/.254/22, but that was with a full season at-bats. Now that he’s missed about two weeks, I’d cut off a few counting stats, but not much. He could be a 20/20 player. Go get him! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Shelby Miller – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks as he held the heavy right-handed Brewer lineup (8 of 9 RHs) in check. Rudy IM’d me to say it’s nice to see a sign of competence after fizzling at the end of last year and start of this season. I say, I’m not sure I buy it. In the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston, they would say Miller now represents a solid selling opportunity. Maybe it was the pep talk from older brother, Bumbry Miller, maybe Dave Duncan appeared in the clubhouse as a hologram or maybe Milwaukee wanted Miller to live the high life. Either way, he lives to fight another day on Rudy’s last place team. Last — HA!
Mark Ellis – Activated from the DL, to act as a backup for Wong. I believe ‘Backup Wong’ was also a song off Aretha’s Who’s Zoomin Who? album. “In my glove department, I got a backup wong for when I’m at a red light. Tonight…. Who’s zoomin’ who?” That’s the lyrics.
Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd game in a row with a homer. I mentioned yesterday that he was hot and worth grabbing. I now say I agree with Tuesday Grey.
Matt Holliday – 1-for-4 and his 1st home run. See, it was more like a sabbatical.
Marco Estrada – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. This is The New Meh. A start that leaves fantasy owners feeling like they won’t drop him, but don’t love having him.
Jim Henderson – 1 IP, 3 ER. Two steps forward for The Muppet Master, six giant steps back. Not easy to do while moving legs with strings, but still not great.
Jose Reyes – Will return on Friday. Wanna take an over/under on when he’s on the DL again? I’m gonna say May 20th, taking the under.
Colby Rasmus – Didn’t play yesterday due to a tight hamstring. Instead, Jose Bautista (3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI) played center field. Hey, Blue Jays, how about you just tear Bautista’s knee ligaments in the dugout and save all the trouble?
Brandon Morrow – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER vs. the Twins. Vic Morrow had better success with helicopters.
Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer. If you waited through his post-hype year and post-post-hype year and post-post-post-hype year, don’t you want to own him for his post-post-post-post-hype year?
Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-5 and his first homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite!
Chris Colabello – 3-for-5, 1 RBI. Okay, just need five weeks and four more days until Zimmerman comes back. Please, Beautiful Soda Man.
Kirk Nieuwenhuis – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and a homer. He appropriately has a last name that looks like it should be found in an Ikea catalog because he’s cheap and unreliable.
Jenrry Mejia – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks. Making it look as easy as a roll of the R’s. This start comes after a 5 IP, 4 ER vs. the Braves. I.e., it’s hard to trust him yet, but worth looking at in deeper leagues.
Bronson Arroyo – 3 1/3 IP, 9 ER. Okay, but his Pearl Jam air guitar solo is so spot-on.
Craig Kimbrel – Played catch yesterday and said if there was a game yesterday he would’ve been able to pitch. There was a game, a bunch of them. Okay, not with the Braves. Stupid rain. I’d continue to hold Carpenter until Kimbrel sees game action, though I’m pretty biased because I’d love nothing more than to see the most expensive closer go down to injury. I’m like a cheap fat man, “Die, $12 Salad, die!”
Michael Bourn – Activated from the DL, but the game was rained out. Coincidence? I’m sure! No, really, I wasn’t being sarcastic. I’m still not. Seriously!
Marcell Ozuna – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI as he returned to the lineup. Marcell and Grey sitting in a tree — K-I-S-S I and Gene Simmons!
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 5th homer. 31 to go! Get there, you sexy beast!
Tom Koehler – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks. I know how the Marlin fans feel. I love everyone on the Marlins but hate the franchise. I grabbed Koehler in a few very deep leagues, but I wouldn’t yet look at him in many shallow ones. The five walks in seven innings isn’t a good harbinger, if harbingers can be good.
Wilson Ramos – Had stitches removed from his hand. Too bad, he could’ve dressed his hand up like Frankenstein for Halloween.
Stephen Strasburg – 4 IP, 6 ER vs. the Marlins. That date you circled on your calendar to watch Strasburg is going to look like something else to the police when they find your calendar after catching you roaming the streets, raving like a madman.
Dustin Pedroia – Wasn’t in yesterday’s lineup even though he is supposed to avoid the DL. On the surface, it’s not terrible news. He is avoiding the DL and all, but this is the same guy who played 160 games last year with a torn ligament, and now he’s sitting out due to wrist pain. Don’t want to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but sounds like awful news. The good news, he received a cortisone shot, so he’ll probably hit 3 homers in his first at-bat back. I’m only half kidding.
Koji Uehara – Hopes to return on Thursday. As with Kimbrel, I wouldn’t drop Mujica until Koji gets a save. I’m also hoping for the fiery demise of Koji. Light fire to his pitches, opposing teams. I, the Fantasy Master Lothario, commands you!
Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Performed well against his former White Sox teammates. Though it was a tiny bit embarrassing when he called Jose Abreu “Paulie K” and told him to cool off on the tanning beds.
Mike Napoli – Slid into 2nd base, but came up with his finger pointing the wrong way. Damn, that gives me ugly flashbacks of waking up hungover, reaching into my jeans pocket that I wore to bed and finding my last cigarette broken in half. It sounds like he’ll avoid a DL stint. Even better Napoli can now do some really cool shadow puppets.
Erik Johnson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. More like Erikkkkkkkkkk Johnson. So glad he K’d nine guys instead of 3 or that joke would’ve seemed raycess. He doesn’t have much of a minor league track record but Prospect Scott says he has “all the makings of a mid-rotation workhorse unlike Grey who is just a jackass.” Hey! His next start is @TEX so it’ll take a mighty big eponymous to start Johnson in even an AL-Only league.
Coco Crisp – Sat out yesterday, because on Coco’s tombstone it’s gonna read day-to-day.
Dan Straily – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER. If you were on the fence with him, hopefully he didn’t Humpty Dump your team.
Craig Gentry – 3-for-4, 2 runs. Played center with Crisp out, but Gentry is a part-time player for the most part. He does have some speed, but I wouldn’t exactly call him sexy. Actually, in the history of the world, there’s never been a sexy Craig.
Jim Johnson – 2 IP, 0 ER as he got the win and essentially the save while Doolittle did that. This could mean Johnson is back center stage for saves, but I wouldn’t drop Gregerson just yet. Man, the A’s relievers and their names. Surprised it’s not Cook Ryanson. Am I right? Or am I right, right?
Garrett Richards – 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. So, that could’ve went better, Now get off my teams!
Tim Lincecum – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. I’ll say it for you….Sonavabench! Lincecum went five innings with 5 hits and zero walks and still managed 93 pitches. He is to pitch efficiency what alcohol is to walking proficiency.
Chad Billingsley – Renewed discomfort in his elbow. There was a bit of a mix-up when he first told the Dodgers’ pitching coach. The coach thought Billingsley’s dangling arm was him playing charades and guessed, ‘hanging Chad.’
Dee Gordon – 0-for-3 and his 10th steal. I’ve said this in the past, but there is something so beautiful about a guy who gets no hits but steals a base. It’s like he really cares about your fantasy team.
Juan Uribe – 3-for-5, 2 runs and the 2nd game in a row with a homer. Member the other day when I said he was getting hot? Yup.
Josh Beckett – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks. Beckett and Lincecum had a throwback game, as in, thanks for the start, now throw them back.
Taijuan Walker – Scratched from his rehab start due to stiffness in his shoulder. Why are my cheeks salty? Oh, it’s the tears. People say I’m the life of the party, because I tell a joke or two. Although I might be laughing loud and hearty, deep inside I’m blue. So take a good look at my face, you’ll see my smile looks out of place. Smokey Robinson, your uncomfortably high voice is the only thing that soothes my damaged fantasy team. Well, that’s a bummer. Taijuan will be reevaluated today, but it sounds bad.
Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks and pitchslapped by Mike Leake (6 2.3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks), after giving up a long double to him in his first at-bat. Why do I feel like every pitcher looks like Brett Hart after The Montreal Screwjob whenever they are pitchslapped? It’s almost like they all have an agreement prior to the game to make an out, then some pitcher pulls the Rootie Tootie, You’re Getting Fresh With The ‘Tude To Me?
Neil Walker – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer in one and a half games and 5th this year. I hate his being, but when a guy’s hot, they’re caliente, as my tio, Francisco Albrighto, would say.
Devin Mesoraco – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs. Okay, so I partly bring these catcher questions on myself.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. He’s great, I love him. On a side note, that was the best the Reds lineup has looked this year. Heisey leading off and Billy Hamilton running for pizza while the Reds were on the field.
Kevin Kouzmanoff – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st home run. I love a feel good story as much as the next guy. I openly weep at the end of Notting Hill. Okay, maybe that’s not a feel good story, but you catch my drift. Kouzmanoff is hitting .450 and playing every day. This won’t end well for him, eventually. He’s simply a hot schmotato, so don’t drop anyone too valuable to get him.
Robbie Ross – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. This conclusively proves Ron Washington’s point, if you throw enough middle relievers into the rotation, one will be decent. Ross has an under 7 K-rate and a 4 walk rate. Neither are great marks, and I still wouldn’t mess with him outside of deep leagues.
Michael Cuddyer - 1-for-4, 1 run and a steal. You beguiling, beguiler, you! After Cuddyer ran hard into the fence on Monday, the Rockies started him at 1st. Hey, Walt Weiss, you’ve been beguiled!
Josh Johnson – Will let Dr. Freeze examine his arm. What’s left of it, at least. “Okay, put your elbow up on the table.” “Doc, that’s the problem.”
Everth Cabrera – Scratched due to a sore knee. EverCab with a bum wheel is almost as bad as Rick Shaw with a broken carriage.
Will Venable – 2-for-3, 1 run. Looks like he might finally be coming out of his early season slump and showing he’s ready, willing and Venable.
Robbie Erlin – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER. Fun fact! Steely Dan was originally named Robbie Dan.
Omar Infante – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer as he plays with sprained jaw. Stewed carrots must really be agreeing with Infante.
Greg Holland – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks, Save. The Kimbrel!
Yordano Ventura – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Sure, it was against the Astros, but at least he mollywhopped a team he was supposed to, Grey says pointedly towards Strasburg. On a side note, you know how baseball is all about the little moments? The stuff that’s going on when you think something else is going on? Well, it is. Like the coach moving the shortstop over three feet and then the next ball is lined out to him. Those are the small moments that make baseball so great. A small moment yesterday that won’t be mentioned much after this game was when the five-feet, three-inch Ventura faced off against Altuve. It was like King Joffrey’s wedding. Didn’t they outlaw dwarf tossing?