Yesterday, Chris Young went 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER as he allowed five solo home runs, which tied a franchise record, and was only the 7th starting pitcher to give up five home runs in less than three innings. He was then followed by Dillion Gee. Too bad Gee wasn’t followed by Aaron Laffey, then the box score would’ve read Chris Young, Gee, Laffey, which, as everyone knows, is an Asian giraffe, which is where these pitchers should be pitching: Asia. I didn’t know the Mets had an exchange program going with the Royals. Oh, and the Mets’ AARP affiliate was on the Yanks too with Carlos Beltran (2-for-4) hitting two homers. Member the days when the Mets got the Yanks’ also-rans — Willie Randolph, Orlando Hernandez, Rick Cerone? Now the Yanks are taking sloppy seconds. The Yankees are Ben Affleck and the Mets are Joey Lauren Adams and the Yanks are listening to the Mets in the bar in Chasing Amy. Watch out for the gear shift, Yankees! Also, in this game, Brian McCann (1-for-4) mick-can-can with his 4th homer, Brett Gardner (1-for-4) said, “Same,” and hit his 4th and Aaron Hicks (1-for-3, 2 RBIs) blasted his 2nd. With Ellsbury out for a few, I grabbed Hicks in one league, and this is now his 2nd homer in the past four games. As for Christall Young, he’ll likely be replaced in the rotation by Gee. Though, I vote for Gee with Laffey on his shoulders for the Asian giraffe. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ivan Nova – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER as he got his first start of the year, filling in for CC. Big shoes to fill. Then not-so-big shoes. Then they were big again. Then small. Then they were filled with sangria. Then it was just fruit cocktail.
Jacoby Ellsbury – Will stay out of the lineup until at least Wednesday with a hip injury. Last week when I mentioned Ellsbury, he had just stolen two bases and I commented about how he hadn’t done that in the last three years without getting injured. The streak stays alive!
Starlin Castro – Didn’t start yesterday with a rib cage injury. Not as funny as a Nic Cage injury, but nearly as painful when either are acting up.
Eric Hosmer – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. I’m the greatest trader in the history of fantasy trading! *sees Todd Frazier, who was on the other side of my Hosmer trade, homered twice* Like most of my ecstasy, that was short-lived.
Alex Gordon – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Smash Gordon! Is that a thing? I hope not.
Rougned Odor – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .298. All of you that are b’ing and m’ing about DeShields, I’m doing just fine in offensive categories in leagues where I drafted DeShields. A messed up ninth round pick does not kill a season. I mention this now because Odor’s picked up a lot of that DeStench. Polanco hasn’t hurt either. Lindor’s been nice. Been enjoying Arenado. Haven’t minded Khrush Davis. HR to the Rizzo. Okay, you get the idea.
Todd Frazier – 4-for-6, 6 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homers. I wonder if the Toddfather can put out a hit on Jose Abreu (0-for-5, 1 run). Or simply show him how to hit.
Michael Bourn – Released by the Jays. Bourn could emerge back with another team or in the middle of the night in the Red Sea with no memory of who he is or how he got there.
Aaron Sanchez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.58. Doode walks more men than an old age home nurse. Hayzeus Cristo, he’s lucky to get out of these games with his ERA in tact.
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 11 Ks. Four runs is more than I’d like allowed, but 11 Ks makes things okkkkkkkkkkkay.
Daniel Murphy – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .398. What a total homersexual.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. I’ve been telling anyone that has asked that Just Dong is a buy low. Just Dong just dong’d himself to being a slightly higher buy low.
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .380. I’ve been Castelling you all year to grab him. Now you’re beginning to look like an anos.
Huston Street – Will begin a throwing program. I wonder if he’ll start off by screaming, “Get your program here!”
Andrelton Simmons – Will need surgery on his thumb and could be out for months. Geez, that’s not even his phone home finger.
Steven Matz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.86 vs. Scott Kazmir – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), ERA at 5.54. More than one person in the stands in LA heard the matchup and said, “I think my agent got us two tickets to see the touring company of Katz.”
Travis d’Arnaud – Received a plasma injection in his shoulder. Now he can plug an Apple TV into his ass and get Netflix.
Kevin Plawecki – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Please remember next March it took five weeks for the Mets catcher to get a home run and it wasn’t French face, said like Billy Ripken’s bat handle.
Corey Seager – 0-for-2 as he didn’t start because there was a lefty on the mound. Look at Dave Roberts overmanaging. Charlie Culberson really needed the start? Good way to bring along your young players, by benching them against tough matchups. I believe that’s what the Twins did with David Ortiz, then finally just sent him to the Red Sox.
Matt Moore – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.83. Maybe Moore’s entire career is like one long M. Night Shyamalan movie and he’s really the devil messing with us.
Corey Dickerson – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .189. So, a .280 hitter in Coors is a sub-.200 hitter in other stadiums. That’s not going to reflect well on Vinny Castilla’s Hall of Fame chances.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. You know what it’s like owning Longoria? You totally forget you have him and once every ten days you get a solo homer.
Felix Hernandez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. He’s back! Dot dot dot. Or not since this was against one of the worst hitting teams in baseball. Prolly the latter.
Ketel Marte – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Yes, you should own him. No, I’m not foolin’.
Sonny Gray – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 6.00. How are my schmohawk posts from this year doing? Pollock, Schwarber, Gray, Sano and Tulo. Not to answer but to silently nod in awe.
Khris Davis – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .222. Since chicks dig the long ball, everyone but five of you should put on a dress and pick up Davis.
Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 4 ER. Red Sox jumped out to the huge, early lead and Buchholz sailed into the iVictory Coast for a night at the W.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 3rd homer in a week, and hitting around .400 in that time. The hottest schmotato in all of the land? JBJ!
Travis Shaw – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .308. Shaw’s an odd duck, like one that drives around 40 tourists on land and sea. He gets three hits, then nothing for games. Then multiple hits, then nothing. He’s the ultimate shizz or get off the pot player.
Brock Holt – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .281. Holt is hitting near-.350 in the last week, but doesn’t have any real power or speed. By the by, no real power for Holt and he has the same number of homers as Shaw. Bunch of imitation Loneys — baLoneys!
Eduardo Rodriguez – Not ready to return to the Red Sox, having velocity issues. If this was an arm problem, I’d be concerned, but I’d hold tight with him on my DL for another week or two, i.e., put Ed-Rod in DL cupboard.
Tony Cingrani – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save. Does he now lead the Reds in saves? I’m gonna guess yes. Is he the closer? I’m gonna guess no. Ross Ohlendorf had thrown two innings the previous game and was likely unavailable. That is the most comprehensive news that’s ever been written about Ohlendorf since he was Oh-young-dorf.
Zack Cozart – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .340. Look at your MI, now look at Cozart’s numbers. Now look at your MI again. Will your MI become Cozart? Hmm…
Joey Votto – 1-for-2 and his 5th homer, hitting .234. Votto could be hitting .300 in less than ten days. He ain’t no joke, truth hurts, Rakim.
Tucker Barnhart – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Tucker to the max! And his tales of misogyny.
Dan Straily – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.47. He’s more or less a streamer, Straily may as well be an adverb for “with great effort,” and the Stream-o-Nator loves his next start, and I’d straily force him on my team.
J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .304. I almost had my first home run from my RCL catcher yesterday. Realmuto homered, a bomb to center that went 408 feet, then, on his home run trot, he passed Ozuna on the basepaths and it was ruled a single and an out. Too bad I don’t have a category for 400-foot singles.
Jose Fernandez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 11 Ks, ERA down to 3.54. Still more walks than I’d like to see from him, but that was more in line with the kind of start I’d expect from him.
Derek Dietrich – 3-for-5, 1 run, hitting .333 as he hits leadoff, hitting near .300 in the last week, and has a hit in seven of his last 10 games. Hot schmotato alert!
Domingo Santana – Didn’t start again yesterday. Hey, Sunday Santana, a DL stint would work too. Ya know, so I can pick up a replacement. Cust kayin’.
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-5 and his 9th steal, to lead the NL in steals. I watched this game because everything else was rained out (only half kidding), and Villar was roping the ball like an elementary school teacher who sets up the tetherball.
David Peralta – Didn’t start yesterday with a bruised forearm. He said it felt tender. Sounds more like a braised forearm, which is great with some ribbies.
Archie Bradley – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 7.84 as he was called up to start in Coors. A struggling prospect gets the call up to start in the worst park? Sounds like D-Backs’ GM, Dave Stewart, studied at the school of Neil Strauss and Mystery. Neg the pitcher into thinking he’s worthless, and never leave home without a boa (snake and/or decorative neckwear).
Jake Lamb – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. He’s a bad Lamb-a-jama!
Jean Segura – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .343. I feel like every hitter should get one season in Coors, preferably for them, the season right before contract negotiations.
Corey Kluber – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Two steps forward, one step baaaaaaaaaaa–*watches the cliff fade up in the distance, thinks about how far a fall this is, decides he has time before dying to check iPhone for emails*
Mike Fiers – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.65. With the matchup of Kluber vs. Fiers, it was probably in poor taste to have the pregame show be a concert by Great White.
