Not Asleep At Z-Wheel

Yesterday, Zack Wheeler went 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.45.  Can you please be “2nd Half Wheeler?” Can you be anything but “1st Half Wheeler?” Who do I have to pay for that to happen? Because I made $1.67 from yesterday’s ads and I am willing to give a percentage of that to ensure Wheeler is right for another two months. It’s all I ask and I one day have to say, “Damn, I can’t believe I crashed my 1st yacht into my 2nd yacht. Stupid yacht problems!” Okay, now to go on a rant you never asked for, but I have some legitimate first world problems that need addressing:  the Starbucks menu is too complicated.  What is all this crap and no Unicorn Frappuchino?! Dubya tee eff!  Oh and Netflix has a 15-second rewind but no 15-second fast forward? Are you people stupid?! Also, Amazon Prime two-day shipping begins when the seller ships your item but not when you order? Is this a joke?  Seriously? Do I look like a chump to you!  Any hoo!  Wheeler was phenomenal last 2nd half, and I keep saying I was buying him for his 2nd half. All his peripherals point to him being much better: 9.9 K/9, 2.3 BB/9, 3.64 FIP, velocity up to 97 MPH on average. Drop the R from boring, because that’s BOING! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dylan Cease – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.11. From that stat line, it seems like he was able to–Intern, “Don’t say ‘Cease the day.'” “Why? I thought we were trying to appeal more to Latinos?”  “It’s Latin, it’s not the same.”  “Hmm…” Dylan Cease’d the day! *intern grumbles* I’d look at Cease as a straight Streamonator call, and his 6.11 ERA says me no trusty.

Danny Salazar – 4 IP, 2 ER, as he was activated. ‘Member that commercial where the jogger passes a slow motorist? Recreate that with Danny Salazar’s fastball. I’m concerned about Salazar’s career. He looked like a replicate of the old Salazar that was pieced together with Elmer’s Glue and scotch tape. Not even masking tape! Honestly, I hope he’s okay, don’t wish the end of his career, but I would not own him in any league as of right now. He was throwing 87 MPH meatballs.

Jake Bauers – Optioned to the minors. Maybe Bauers and Clint Frazier can start their own major league team.  “That sounds fantastic!”  That’s Brett Lawrie.

Yasiel Puig – 1-for-3 and his 15th steal. He was hit with a three-game appeal. One game for his part in the fight, and two games for making the league office do paperwork.

Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.87. Scherzer’s got a bad back. Those things don’t just heal. Instead, they linger as a pitcher gets older.  So, serious question, is Cole the #1 SP next year?

Alex Bregman – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .265. Everyone has 27 homers, so it’s no great feat, but Bregma’s fall-off that some people (not me) were predicting in March? Didn’t happen.

George Springer – 1-for-2, 3 runs and his 25th homer, hitting .289. His running catch of a Jo-Ram line drive to the wall was Springer’s real highlight yesterday. Damn, yo, the Astros are fun. Hate to root for favorites, but all teams should be buyers. Eff this selling shizz.

Jack Flaherty – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 BBs, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.93. You know what’s a little crazy?  No, not your aunt.  I mean, yes, she is, but I’m talking about how Flaherty can have a good final two months and be essentially what we expected in March.

Robel Garcia – Sent to the minors. After the Castellanos trade, this seemed inevitable like finding out Stan Lee was a created in 1962 by Joe Simon and Jack Kirby.

Adam Duvall – 1-for-3 and his 107th homer, hitting .480.  Wait, that’s wrong.  He only has five homers.  In less than a week! Take a guess if he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy column.

Max Fried – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.07. Home against a team that was hitting Phillip Ervin cleanup, any doubts that the Streamonator loved this?

Aristides Aquino – 0-for-2 as he was called up, and could see at-bats with Puig gone. The Aristides power is high but I’m holdin’ on. I’m gonna be your number one. Aquino’s got big-time power (28 HRs in 78 Triple-A games), but looks like he has contact issues that were never fixed in his eight years of minor league play. Could be the 2nd coming of Wily Mo Pena.  Call him Wily Wonky.

Andrew Cashner – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.51. I had some questions as to what the Sawx were seeing that I wasn’t in Cashner, and it turns out I can be the Red Sox GM. Hire me!

Xander Bogaerts – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 24th and 25th homer, hitting .317. Not sure if I can say quietly, but, ya know what, gosh darn it, I’m gonna say it! Bogaerts has quietly been a top 10 overall fantasy guy on the Player Rater.

Mookie Betts – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 19th homer.  Mookie Best!

Austin Meadows – 1-for-5 and his 17th homer, hitting .287, and this was his 2nd homer in as many games. Someone likes hitting against Orioles’ pitching–Excuse me, Red Sox starting pitching.

Brendan McKay – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.38. He didn’t pitch successfully as much as he escaped with a win. Not an escape goat, though, different Razzball term.  I still like McKay; this was a miserably difficult matchup.

Nate Lowe – Sent down to the minors to open room for Jesus Aguilar. Yo, Rays, who are you, the Yankees and you think you have Clint Frazier? What the what the what the what-what? I could see sending down Aguilar before Lowe. Man, just when you think the Rays only make smart decisions they go and write on the chalkboard some advanced math problem and it equals Jesus Aguilar. So, Aguilar will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I’m not a huge fan for shallower leagues unless he’s hitting.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer. Wish I would’ve told Podcaster Ralph to record our conversation we had before the podcast, but we were talking about exactly this. How it can’t be said Vladito had a bad rookie year with two months to go, even though that is exactly what I was seeing from other ‘perts. Would it be shocking to see him hit 10+ more homers this year in two months? Nope, and a 25-homer season as a rookie who missed almost a month is far from a bust.

Randal Grichuk – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer.  Is there anywhere to make a prop bet that Grichuk will hit at least three homers in his series vs. the Orioles? Because I like those odds.

Danny Jansen – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Tired: Stream hitters in Coors.  Wired: Stream hitters vs. the O’s.

Asher Wojciechowski – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.15. The bad news is Asher Wojdnow982ski is not good as we briefly flirted with. The good news is we no longer have to try to spell his name.

Jameson Taillon – Having season-ending surgery on his elbow. The Pirates should fire themselves for not having Taillon have this surgery when he first went down. I told you he needed it, and I never saw his elbow or passed a Bio class in college!

Will Smith – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .349. He has six homers. Dot dot dot. In 14 games. The Dodgers lose Yasmani, putz around with Martin for a few months, then promote a future All-Star catcher.  Ridiculous.

Cody Bellinger – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 35th homer. And we still have two more months!  Ha, Bellinger is going to hit 45-50 homers this year. Unreal.

Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4 and his 30th homer.  Sorry, I meant to say everyone is going to hit 45-50 homers this year.

Trent Grisham – 0-for-3, 1 RBI as he was called up. I went over Grisham yesterday, but more importantly, Prospect Mike just gave you his Trent Grisham fantasy. Of course, since that post, we know he’s up and, of course, Counsell batted him 9th. Also, I worry this call-up is just for a series in Oakland where there’s a DH for Thames.

Josh Hader – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.58, as he entered the 8th for, I suppose, a two-inning save.  Here’s an idea.  Revolutionary?  Nah.  They won’t sing hymns about this one day.  My idea:  Bring Hader into the goddamn 9th inning!

Chase Anderson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.73. I kid about how awful the Brewers’ rotation is.  Okay, it’s not jokes, they are terrible. How’sever, I have liked Anderson for the last two years more than most. He’s not going to win you titles or be, say, an ace, but he’s usually a competent enough back-end starter.

Matt Chapman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, as he hit the killer dong against the Brewers. Speaking of killer dongs, Matt David Chapman would love to show his to Jodie Foster.

Mark Canha – 3-for-3, 1 run and two steals (1, 2), hitting .254.  Wanted to say hot schmotato, but Canhaz cheeseburgers, but Canhasn’t had a ton of hitting recently. Yesterday and Laureano’s injury help. Canha won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s here now, if you’re so inclined.  Stop pushing back on your Barcalounger, I said inclined, not reclined.

Liam Hendriks – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.67 and the save, as Treinen worked the 8th. That was a welcome sight for this Hendriks owner.  Sorry, Treinen owners, it’s a gig economy, and it’s still Liam’s gig.

Max Kepler – 2-for-6 and his 30th homer, hitting .265.  “On August 1st, Kepler hit his 30th homer.” That’s the first line of a petition to have MLB remove all of this year’s stats from the record book.

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.15.  His ERA on my team this year was 7.20 and his ERA off my team was 3.00. Or at least it felt that way. I can’t believe I dropped him after his April 7.20 ERA.  His ERAs in June and July: 3.58 and 2.59.  Seriously, eff me.

Jarlin Garcia – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2.43 and Jose Quijada 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.95, and we still don’t know who the Marlins’ closer is, but, if usage means anything, I’d go 55/45 odds on Jarlin the Marlin.

Harold Ramirez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer.  He hit four homers in July and *covers mouth so you can’t hear* .192. That doesn’t work in the written word quite as well. By the way, don’t ever say the word ‘quite’ in everyday conversation, you’ll be popped in the lip and noogied. Nope, keep your thank yous, this advice is free!

Alex Dickerson – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. Oh, no, Dickerson’s got a case of Gamelitis. The only known cure is to go to the minor leagues for seven years then become a house painter.  “Do you want the east wall painted salmon?”  Leave us alone, Brett Lawrie!

Jake Arrieta – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.44 as he was pulled from the game after 71 pitches and a nine-run lead. Gabe Kapler said, “We really needed this–Ooh, tree sap!” Then dove onto a tree and began hitting his nose against it.

J.T. Realmuto -3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs hit his 15th homer, hitting .274.  Jerry Tomato crushed that ball and yelled, “Ketchup!”

Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .285.  Also, in this game, Roman Quinn (1-for-1) hit his 2nd homer. Elias Sport Bureau said Cesar and Roman were 1st teammates to wear togas under their jerseys and try to build aqueducts as they rounded the bases. “For the 1st of Augustus, we will call you, Scott Caligulery,” That’s Cesar and Roman to their teammates’ bewilderment.