We are 2 months into the season now (when the 2020 season ended, crazy huh?). Is it bad that the majority of success right now can be weighed by how many of your guys are on the IL? Oof. The other working title was “Doom Over My Hammy Edition” but that was just ridiculous. This week’s episode has become basically a spin-off of JKJ’s weekly bit, Ambulance Chasers. whew. That’s not so much an ambulance whew whew, as it is a sarcastic celebratory whew. Although… why not both? So as I said, we’re 2 months into this season now which puts us at roughly the 1/3 mark. Therefore, I have now made some adjustments to projected values reflecting this very truth. And that’s right, you guessed it. Adolis Garcia is rocketing up the charts like his batted balls to the heavens. I don’t have him in enough places and that makes me sad. Oof. Oh, and spoiler alert, Mike Trout is injured now… giant OOF. So many Oofs and so little time. But first, a word on the god-man Shohei Ohtani

Ohtani’s current value on the Razzball™ Player Rater is $49.6, which would make him the #1 OF. Why am I bringing this up? Because Joe Maddon the Mad Switcher has kept Ohtani in a few games after pitching as well as subbed him into key ABs during his rest days… which has led to him then rotating to RF. (He can play RF? You’re damn right!) In the NPB, he logged 60 games in the OF with a .990 fld%, translation: he’s pretty good at that too. All that to say, *points to the graphic below* he’s logged 4 game appearances so far there this season, meaning, he is 6 away from qualification in Yahoo and NFBC *eggplant emoji*. Rest assured, I’ll keep the countdown updated as we approach… Coronation Day!

Enough pleasantries, let’s get down with the rundown.

The Ins

J.D. Martinez – Speaking of position eligibility, Just Dongs just got his OF position acquisition. Ding ding dong! He’s really good in case you haven’t noticed. 2020 was just that. He looks as good as before and has been a key contributor as part of a Sawx Stack on my RazzSlam team. Looking under the hood, all metrics look in line with his 2019 season. *chef’s kiss* Congrats to the rest of you that got him at a massive discount this season, I salute you. Which reminds me (uhoh Coolwhip is getting on the soapbox again), DHs can hit too, fam. In fact, they are such because of that, not in spite of that.

Adolis Garcia – tied for second with Ohtani in the league home run chase at 15. Last time, I said I wouldn’t be surprised if he cracked the top 40… ummm, yeah. He’s succeeded and exceeded those expectations. He’s currently batting .290 with 15 HR, 40 RBI, and 5 SB. Yowza, yet another specimen of an OF that the Cardinals let slip through their fingers. One thing I want to point out, the prospect scouting card says his hit tool is a 40 grade (out of 80) so he’s not likely to maintain the 290.  His power is the truth, no mirage there, but his contact skills may not be quite as advertised. Looking under the hood a bit he has a .316 BABIP which is reasonable for his track record (.305 at AAA), a 27.9% K-rate and 4.8% BB-rate… that sounds reasonable with profile, though his last stop a AAA his K-rate was north of 30%. And lastly, he’s currently sporting a 32.6% HR/FB rate on top of a 41.8% FB-rate. *John C. Reilly face* Now, Joey Gallo has 30.7% HR/FB from 2017-2019 with a 48% FB rate. Could he be Gallo? Sure, it’s possible. But Gallo has a .210 batting average over that span. Conclusion: he’s probably more of a .230-.240 hitter… which is okay! Because so far this season the MLB average is .237 (although you could sell high if you want to)… HAhaHAhaHAha… I need a drink.

Tyler Naquin – So I goofed. I dropped him in one league when Senzel came back because I was desperate at the time for outfielders playing daily. Well, surprise. Senzel back to the IL today. And even before now, Naquin has still been playing regularly and mostly productive. Additionally, over the last week+ he’s been hitting 3rd and 4th in the order, especially now that Bell moved Suarez to leadoff (I know goofy). His average has regressed over the last 2 weeks but there’s plenty of opportunity in the middle of the Reds lineup.

Kyle Schwarber – Joe Buck’s heartthrob seems to have found his stroke recently. Over the last 2 weeks, he’s been batting .294 with 5 HR and 12 RBIs, and 1 SB. *fire emoji* Looking at his contact metrics everything checks out highlighted by a 53.2% hard-hit rate. *double fire emoji*

Trey Mancini – You gotta love the story. He battled cancer for a season and is now mashing. Over the last 2 weeks he’s hitting .375 and now leads the league in RBIs with 41.

Brad Miller – It wouldn’t be an MLB season without a patented Brad Miller bender. Over the last week he’s batting .381 with 2 HR and 1 SB. It’s happening. Looking ahead, starting May 31st he begins a series @CIN, that could be very tasty.

The Outs

Mike Trout – IL with calf strain, 6-8 weeks. OOF. I am broken, hold me Ohtani!

Nick Senzel – Mentioned above, IL with knee surgery, 4-6 weeks. oof.

Marcell Ozuna – 6 weeks, oof.

Franmil Reyes – IL with oblique strain, 5-7 weeks. OOF.

Byron Buxton – having trouble decelerating in rehab, thus, delaying his return further. Oof.

George Springer – Not even accelerating yet. No running, No timetable. No rank.

AJ Pollock – Re-aggro’d the hammy last week and now headed for the IL. See, this is why you let the tank pull the boss.

Michael Conforto – IL with hammy strain.

Austin Hays – IL with hammy strain.

Jeff McNeil – IL with hammy strain.

Dylan Moore – IL with calf strain. Maybe he shouldn’t make ground beef by himself.

Victor Robles – IL with ankle sprain.

Trent Grisham – Foot Contusion.

Giancarlo Stanton – He’s been hitting pretty good like we all know he can; BUT, he’s been out with a quad strain like we all know he does. Yet, he is expected back Friday (knock on wood) so hopefully he can pick up where he left off.

Harrison Bader – Hairline fracture of rib. They are hopeful this will only keep him out the 10 days, but that’s also what the Dodgers thought about Bellinger’s hairline fracture with “no structural damage.” AND HE’S JUST NOW COMING BACK. I think.

Bryce Harper – To the IL with forearm contusion after struggling at the plate prior while Girardi “hid” the injury from the public. That’s terrific. He said it was because of competitive advantage… but how many of those games did you win? Yeah, exactly. Galaxy brain.

I’m sure there’s more, but that’s all my brain could process at the time. This unholy carnage can be best summed up as:

The What-have-yous

Tyler O’Neill – Should be back this weekend to build on his breakout season of 8/4/.250… which reminds me, in 510 MLB ABs so far he has a line of 29/10/.233 which is more or less the pace he’s on this year. I’d like my regulars back please, kthx.

Alex Kirilloff – Came back last week and has collected plenty of hits but no home runs yet. I suspect we’ll see them soon enough as he’s been hitting as advertised so far after a quick adjustment to MLB earlier. The kid is special and we’ll continue to see more of that.

Cody Bellinger – Currently hitting bombs for the Dodgers… via AAA in OKC. You remember him right? Tall dude, killer swing, stares into the sun and hits a lot of bombs from the middle of the Dodgers lineup. Fun guy. Hopefully he’s back this weekend(?) Next week? I don’t know. Nobody is saying anything! I’d like him back, please. Me trying to figure out when Cody returns:

The ROS Board

# Name Team Pos $
1 Ronald Acuna Jr. ATL OF 50.2
2 Juan Soto WSH OF 32.7
3 Mookie Betts LAD OF 31.6
4 Nick Castellanos CIN OF 27.4
5 J.D. Martinez BOS DH/OF 26.9
6 Whit Merrifield KC 2B/OF 24.0
7 Mike Trout LAA OF 21.9
8 Randy Arozarena TB OF 21.0
9 Bryce Harper PHI OF 20.8
10 Aaron Judge NYY OF 20.7
11 Yordan Alvarez HOU DH/OF 20.7
12 Kyle Tucker HOU OF 19.9
13 Byron Buxton MIN OF 19.5
14 Giancarlo Stanton NYY DH/OF 19.1
15 Christian Yelich MIL OF 18.9
16 Ramon Laureano OAK OF 18.2
17 Jesse Winker CIN OF 17.2
18 Kris Bryant CHC 3B/OF 16.5
19 Cody Bellinger LAD 1B/OF 16.3
20 Alex Verdugo BOS OF 16.2
21 Jared Walsh LAA 1B/OF 15.6
22 Trent Grisham SD OF 14.5
23 Mitch Haniger SEA OF 12.8
24 Teoscar Hernandez TOR OF 12.6
25 Nick Solak TEX 2B/3B/OF 12.5
26 Marcell Ozuna ATL OF 12.3
27 Eddie Rosario CLE OF 12.0
28 Charlie Blackmon COL OF 11.8
29 Raimel Tapia COL OF 11.8
30 Starling Marte MIA OF 11.3
31 Trey Mancini BAL 1B/OF 11.0
32 Austin Meadows TB OF 10.9
33 Austin Riley ATL 3B/OF 10.5
34 Mark Canha OAK 1B/OF 10.5
35 George Springer TOR OF 10.3
36 Tommy Edman STL 2B/SS/ 3B/OF 10.1
37 Franmil Reyes CLE OF 9.5
38 Adolis Garcia TEX OF 9.3
39 Michael Brantley HOU OF 9.0
40 Wil Myers SD 1B/OF 8.1
41 Randal Grichuk TOR OF 7.6
42 Max Kepler MIN OF 7.0
43 Ketel Marte ARI 2B/SS/OF 6.8
44 Chris Taylor LAD 2B/SS/ OF 6.7
45 Kyle Schwarber WSH OF 6.3
46 Brandon Lowe TB 1B/2B/ OF 6.1
47 Josh Rojas ARI 2B/SS/ OF 6.1
48 Lourdes Gurriel Jr. TOR 2B/OF 6.1
49 Dylan Carlson STL OF 5.2
50 Bryan Reynolds PIT OF 5.1
51 Joey Gallo TEX OF 4.9
52 Cedric Mullins BAL OF 4.5
53 Andrew McCutchen PHI OF 4.3
54 Manuel Margot TB OF 4.1
55 Anthony Santander BAL OF 4.1
56 Tommy Pham SD OF 3.8
57 Jarred Kelenic SEA OF 3.6
58 Andrew Benintendi KC OF 3.5
59 Michael Conforto NYM OF 3.5
60 Garrett Hampson COL 2B/SS/ OF 3.5
61 David Peralta ARI OF 3.0
62 Ryan Mountcastle BAL 1B/OF 3.0
63 Ian Happ CHC 2B/3B/ OF 2.7
64 Kyle Lewis SEA OF 2.7
65 Avisail Garcia MIL OF 2.3
66 Robbie Grossman DET OF 2.3
67 David Fletcher LAA 2B/SS/ 3B/OF 2.2
68 Brandon Belt SF 1B/OF 1.9
69 Tyler Naquin CIN OF 1.8
70 Mike Yastrzemski SF OF 1.5
71 Dylan Moore SEA 2B/SS/ 3B/OF 1.4
72 Jeff McNeil NYM 2B/3B/ OF 1.3
73 AJ Pollock LAD OF 1.1
74 Jorge Soler KC OF 1.1
75 Justin Upton LAA OF 0.8
76 Austin Hays BAL OF 0.5
77 Alex Kirilloff MIN OF -0.1
78 Tyler O’Neill STL OF -0.3
79 Adam Frazier PIT 2B/OF -0.4
80 Nick Senzel CIN 2B/OF -0.6
81 Jurickson Profar SD 2B/OF -0.7
82 Josh Naylor CLE OF -0.8
83 Hunter Renfroe BOS OF -0.8
84 Willians Astudillo MIN C/1B/ 3B/OF -0.9
85 Cavan Biggio TOR 2B/3B/ OF -0.9
86 Adam Duvall MIA OF -1.0
87 Dominic Smith NYM 1B/OF -1.1
88 Adam Eaton CHW OF -1.2
89 Victor Robles WSH OF -1.3
90 Luis Robert CHW OF -1.4
91 Enrique Hernandez BOS 2B/SS/ OF -1.7
92 Willie Calhoun TEX OF -1.8
93 Joc Pederson CHC 1B/OF -2.1
94 Brandon Nimmo NYM OF -2.2
95 Lorenzo Cain MIL OF -3.0
97 Clint Frazier NYY OF -3.4
96 Corey Dickerson MIA OF -3.5
98 Amed Rosario CLE SS/OF -3.5
99 Akil Baddoo DET OF -3.6
100 J.D. Davis NYM 3B/OF -3.7
101 Myles Straw HOU SS/OF -4.2
102 Luis Arraez MIN 2B/3B/ OF -4.4
103 Aaron Hicks NYY OF -5.0
104 Pavin Smith ARI 1B/OF -5.3
105 Brad Miller PHI 2B/3B/ OF -5.6

If you want more Coolwhip to top off your baseball experience, fantasy or otherwise, you can follow me on Twitter: @CoolwhipRB.