…And presenting our next award is Chance the Rapper and Grey the Napper.  *I lean into the mic*  “Thank you, it’s wonderful to be here.  Did you know the inventor of Ping Pong originally named it Fing Fong?  Yup, but he had terrible penmanship.”  *no one laughs*  “Oh, hey, there’s Jeff Daniels.  My dad loves you, but calls you Jack Daniels.  Then again, I’m not sure he’s talking about you.  Anyway, the nominees for our first Teoscar are… Teoscar Hernandez, from years in the minors of 17 homers, 33 steals.  Teoscar Hernandez, from the projections of 17/17 for this year.  Finally, Tesocar Hernandez, playing a fire emoji in The Emoji Movie, who yesterday went 4-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs, hitting .421, with his 1st homer, while coming a double short of the cycle.  And the winner is…  *fumbles with envelope*  “Wow!  Tesocar Hernandez.”  “He was the only one nominated, and it’s called the Teoscars.”  “Shut up, Chance!  You’re ruining the ratings!  By the way, to cover the weed smell in your house, you should open a Subway sandwich shop in your living room.”  So, obviously Teoscar’s been all that and a swag bag of freebies, and I would grab him in all leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Donaldson – Jays announced he’s out longer than ten days.  Ya think?  He was throwing about ten feet on a bounce.  The Jays got into a massive clubhouse food fight, and Donaldson threw mashed potatoes into his own lap.

Kendrys Morales – Expected back on Friday.  Morales just needs his folding chair, and he’s gonna get right back at ’em.

Yangervis Solarte – 2-for-4, 3 runs, and his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last two days, and his exit velocity is PITUKI!  His name is pronounced SO-lahr-tay, but right now it’s SO-rawr-yay.  There might not be a hotter guy.

Curtis Granderson – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .318.  On the reals, how long do the Jays putz around with Grichuk on their team?  That’s not the same as signing J.J. Putz.

Whit Merrifield – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .250.  Anyone who has asked about Merrifield’s slow start in the comments, I’ve said more or less the same thing, “HA.”  Which is, of course, short for Home Alone, since I’m a big fan of early Culkin.  I’ve also said some variation of Merrifield did nothing last April and you still drafted him high this year, so chillax.

Ian Kennedy – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.35.  The Regression Fairies got stuck in traffic in their PT Cruiser, but they nearly went full molly-whop on Kennedy.

Jorge Soler – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .267.  Watch out for the post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-POST-post-hype sleeper!

Mark Canha – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games.  Yesterday, I called him a hot schmotato.  Today, I ask not what your baseball players have done for you, but what have you done to get the best baseball players into your lineup?

Jed Lowrie – 2-for-7, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .346.  We should’ve seen this coming when he changed his name to Launchy Anglowrie.  Meh, he’s just your standard 34-year-old breakout.  Somehow he’s not owned in 100% of leagues, which means a bunch of you need to get your reaction times checked by a medical professional.

Yoan Moncada – 2-for-7, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and slam (3) and legs (3), and his third straight game with a steal.  Yo, yo, Yoan, you Billy Hamilton with power?  It’s kinda of amazing how many people are asking to drop Moncada.  Guys, and let’s face it, it’s all guys, we’re 15 games in.  If he had 17 homers and 22 steals, and a two-week cold spell in August, would you be dropping him?  Okay, maybe some of you would, but, yeah, no.

Leury Garcia – 1-for-6, 1 run, 1 RBI and two steals (3, 4).  For fantasy, you have to love the White Sox managerial style, the ol’ “Run if you want, we don’t care.”

Rich Hill – Hit the DL with an inflamed middle finger.  Sounds like an injury a truck driver would get.  “Hey, Gary, why didn’t you flip off that guy?”  “Inflamed middle finger.”  Glad to see the Dodgers were able to avoid Rich Hill’s blister issues (I’M JOKING, THEY’RE JUST CALLING IT SOMETHING ELSE).

Tyler O’Neill – With Tommy Pham going through tests on his groin (hey now!), the Cards called up their slugging prospect, O’Neill.  The Cards have so many bats, they could trade three outfielders and still have three solid outfielders (Bader, Jo-Ma and O’Neill — don’t make me show my math!).  Prospector Ralph loves Tyler O’Neill in his top 100 prospects for 2018 fantasy baseball.  He (O’Neill, not Ralph) looks like a low-ish average, 35-homer guy who doesn’t have playing time shored up.  I grabbed him in two leagues just in case he plays, but could see dropping him by this weekend.

Jeff Samardzija – Sounds like he will return on Friday.  For fantasy teams, this will be a blessing in disguise.  Sorry, meant to say, this will be depressing ‘n disgust.  I’m not activating him in the one league where I have him.

Taijuan Walker – Needs Tommy John surgery.  That’s a shame, now I have to change the dates on my Taijuan Walker sleeper post to 2020.

Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.98.  You know what’s not a good feeling to have with your ace?  Feeling like you can’t watch him because of all-consuming dread.

Evan Longoria – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  He must’ve heard everyone talking about dropping him.  Hey, do me a favor and ask about dropping Giancarlo?

Chris Stratton – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (0 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 2.22.  I’m going to write myself an iCal reminder for next March saying, “Remember how well your teams are doing in spite of your so-called aces.  Don’t draft any top starters.”  Seriously, across all of my teams, Trevor Williams, Stratton, Porcello, Corbin, Pivetta…These are the guys that are helping my teams.

Byron Buxton – Hit the DL with migraines.  His wife said, “Byron could’ve just said he wasn’t in the mood.”

Jose Berrios – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.63 vs. Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.60.  This game reminded me of that old nugget, “Good pitching beats good hitting, every time, except when it doesn’t.”  Okay, focus more on the first part of that nugget, and less on the part that gets a little wishy-washy.  “You namby and/or pamby?!  Well, are you, son?!”  That’s me as a drill sergeant.

Miguel Sano – 1-for-7 and his 4th homer in a game that lasted about nine hours.  Leave it to the colonialists to fly into Puerto Rico and use up a month’s worth of electricity with the stadium lights in one night.  That’s not very woke.

Adam Lind – Yankees re-signed him to a minors deal.  He will report to Triple-A Scranton/Jamaal Wilkes-Barre.  The Yankees are hoping Lind can replace Giancarlo.  Kidding, they don’t need another Giancarlo.

Ben Gamel – 0-for-2 and his 1st steal, as he was activated from the DL.  He was a sleeper of mine this preseason, and, literally, just mine.  No one else seemed to care.  Gamel can be a sneaky light speed/power combo guy for deeper leagues.

Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.96.  Cole is smoking! *cough, cough*  Damn, black lung.

Rafael Devers – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  He must’ve heard me when I said he was boring.  Nevers again, Devers!

J.D. Martinez – 4-for-5, 3 runs, and his 4th homer, hitting .313.  Just Dong because someone has to!

Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.40.  Don’t wanna jinx myself, but owning Porcello for the first time has been a pleasure.  A pleasurcello, even.

Delino DeShields – Headed out for rehab games at Double-A Frisco, which is like San Francisco without the pretense and letters.

Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, and 2nd in as many games.  Fun fact!  Whenever Shin-Soo Choo says his name in Germany, someone says gesundheit.  Choo always seems to be a guy who I never want to own in the preseason, then wish I owned everywhere once the season starts.  I need to do better.  *sees I’m in first in three leagues*  But how much better can I really do?

Cole Hamels – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.76.  The Rays turned him inside out, showed why he stinks and called him, Hole Camels.

Jacob Faria – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.82.  I went cold on Faria pretty fast after his slow start, but this was a good matchup, as predicted by the Stream-o-Nator, and Faria obviously has some home matchups potential.

Alex Colome – 1 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks and the save, ERA at 9.00. <sarcasm> Finally, a clean save for Colome!  </sarcasm>

C.J. Cron – 2-for-4, hitting .270, but hitting near-.400 in the last week.  His schmotatoness snuck up on me because he hadn’t been hitting for much power, but the homers should come if he’s hitting.

Vince Velasquez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (1 BB), 7 Ks, ERA at 3.80.  Couple quick takeaways from this game, A) The Phils are fun to watch.  Yo, they rebuilt this team fast AF.  B) The Braves are fun to watch too.  Brandon McCarthy?  No, not especially him, but the rest of the crew.  C) Theres no C.  D) I recommended that you draft Velasquez, and now I’m starting to think we might finally be seeing the Velasquez he’s hinted at for years.  E) No, that’s it.

Freddie Freeman – Was hit on the wrist and immediately walked off the field and up the tunnel with the trainer.  We need to form a prayer hexagon right now and lower our heads.

Ryan Flaherty – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .365.  He’s been an early schmotato that I haven’t mentioned (much), because he’s kinda blah.  Call him Ryawn Blaherty.

Dansby Swanson – 2-for-3, 2 runs, and his 2nd homer, hitting .358.  Swanson could be hitting .600 with ten homers, and I’d still like Albies better.  Of course, I’d own Swanson, but he just doesn’t tick enough of those fantasy boxes.  He’s like a very poor man’s Corey Seager.  Call him Poorey Seagram’s.

Jose Bautista – Signed a minor league contract with the Braves.  The Braves will have him work out at 3rd base.  They should hire Prime Minister Pete Nice as the fielding coach, so he can give Bautista the Gas Face.

Chris Iannetta – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer.  For those of you looking to constantly drop your catcher, Iannetta hasn’t even benefitted from Coors yet.  If he stays healthy, it’s going to be hard for him to not be a top 12 catcher.

Chad Kuhl – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.57.  Something I found interesting, Chad Kuhl signs off all communications with his name followed by “Collar up.”

Sean Rodriguez – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .174.  I like how the Pirates are going with 2nd basemen as their corner OFs today as if to say, “Stupid Rangers, you need to be four deep in 2B!”

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .348.  Can only have one Cabrera on your team, Asdrubal or Miggy?  Ouch.  Don’t even answer, just leave it at ouch.

Steven Matz – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.42.  Dratz.  If it’s any consolation, his 11.3 K/9, 3.9 BB/9, 3.18 xFIP and 38.5% LOB says he’s been unlucky.  What’s that, you don’t have xFIP as a category in your league?  Yeah, me either.

Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a grand slam (4), hitting .217.  Cespedes hit that home run off A.J. Cole, who felt the agony of de-hundred-feet.

Ryan Madson – 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 6.97.  Madson’s season just went sideways.  It was so bad Paul Giamatti’s dad rolled over in his grave.

Tanner Roark – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.24.  Hard to draw any serious conclusions from the first couple of weeks, but Roark’s walks are up, his ground balls are down (not literally) and his velocity is down.  In shallower leagues, I’d likely leave him to the advice of the Stream-o-Nator.

Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer.  What if I said my pet pigeon was on the ledge, would you open the Buy Low Window just little bit more for me to get him?  No, it’s not to get Zimmerman, it’s for my pet pigeon!

Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (0 walks), 4 Ks, ERA at 5.57.  I watched pieces of this game and my big takeaway is the Tigers’ announcers are all kinds of terrible.  Rod Allen can “second deck.”  However, through all of that, I watched Gausman, and, woo boy, looking at Gausman’s peripherals on digital paper is one thing, watching him is another.  Bet he comes around at some point, but I’ve moved off pretty quickly.  He can “second deck” too.

Dixon Machado – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, a game-winner.  This home run was likely for the best, since Orioles fans should get used to a Machado hitting a game-winner off them.

Jeimer Candelario – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .238 and out-slugging Miggy.  The Tigers are GRRRRRRRoss.

Matthew Boyd – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.40.  Flavor Flav says, “Yeah, Boyd!”  You should say, “No thanks, Chef Boyd-eat-a-D.”

Scott Schebler – Expected to be activated on Friday.  Sure am glad I put him in my weekly lineup on Monday.  What a Schebler.

Eric Thames – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 12th homer vs. the Reds this year and 134th homer vs. the Reds in the last year plus.  The Reds play on a river, Thames is a river, are you people not seeing what is going on here?!  Put this shizz on Info Wars!  My conspiracy is merit-based!  By the way, “My conspiracy is merit-based,” is something I want to randomly scream when someone is standing too close to me in line.

Jacob Barnes – 2 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save.  2nd two-inning save in a row for the Brewers’ pen, only thing is it was by two different pitchers.  Craig Counsell has really taken this new rule about mound visits seriously.  What I think is going on with the Brewers is they’ve committed to Matt Albers to be their fill-in closer, but they don’t trust him at all so they’re making excuses to use their setup men as their closer.  Can’t say I disagree with their hypothetical assessment of Matt Albers.  Only, when speaking of Matt Albers, I’d probably spell it hippo-thetical.

Ryan Braun – Brewers said Braun’s calf is ‘acting up.’  It was doing a calf-Broadway show of Two and a Calf Men, playing the part of Calfie Sheen.