Ranger Suarez is the greatest Suarez in the history of this country.” That’s me leaning into a store microphone in the freezer department at Costco before getting chased from the store. It’s drama, guys and five girls, and I like drama. *pushes bangs off forehead, turns to mirror* I’m ready for Close-Up. No, don’t zoom in! I have a pimple on my nose! I’m saying I was ready for Close-Up toothpaste. A little freshen up before the post. So, Ranger Suarez did yesterday the same as he’s done all year once again yesterday — 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.38. You might remember this tune I played last week when he threw another stunner, but if this was last year, he’d be a strong candidate for the Cy Young. No, I don’t think he should win it this year! I’m not freakin’ stupid. I’m just saying his year this year is no worse than the top years last year. Lot of years in that sentence; do better, says the thesaurus. He has a 9 K/9, 3.6 BB/9, 2.81 xERA, 3.55 xFIP and two miles extra on velocity this year. Top 2% barrel%, top 6% lowest exit velo, .197 xBA is top 10%–Okay, literally every number of his is tops in the league. He has a .157 BAA on his fastball alone! He compares favorably to pre-injury Dustin May and pre-this year Ryu. It’s no surprise he’s doing so well, all his pitches look the same coming out of his hand. He is the King of Pitch Tunneling. This year? Obviously take what you can get. Ranger Suarez has solidly put himself in the 2022 fantasy baseball conversation. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Bryce Harper – 2-for-4 and his 30th homer. He only had 29 homers yesterday, but turned out he had an extra one in the *pinkie to mouth* Harper.

Sam Hilliard – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. His home run in the 9th inning gave the Rockies the win. After the game, Bud Black said, “Hilliard’s done everything we could ask of him. Look incredible in the minors in 2017 and 2018, then finally get called up in 2019, and get benched for some random vet who is no longer with the team, I’m gonna guess Ian Desmond. Then after being told in 2020, he’d be the starting…what position does he play? Meh, not important. We benched him for…hmm…Pat Valaika? Maybe. I don’t know. Then in 2021, he was sent to the minors for the seventh year to get some extra…uh…seasoning?” Then Bud Black looked around for someone to answer him, but no one could.

Antonio Senzatela – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.11. He goes to the Braves next, and the Streamonator hates it and I’d hate to disagree with a robot. The future could catch up to me.

Tony Gonsolin – 3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.79, as he was activated from the IL. Trying something out, I’m writing part of this blurb before the game, then we’ll see how well I do after. Before, “Gonsolin returns from shoulder inflammation, so I was surprised to see him not throwing with his opposite arm. Was he? Ah, I’m LA so the game is blacked out here. Or maybe there was cloud cover and the camera’s aperture was just really small? Did anyone see the game? I couldn’t; it was so dark on my TV screen. As for Gonsolin, I hope he’s good. Dot dot dot. In 2022.” After, “Well, I was right about the game being blacked out. Gonsolin threw a better couple innings than I expected, but still I’d be watching him for 2022.”

Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-4 and his 25th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Yesterday I said some shizz like O’Neill will be underrated going into next year even though he’s already had a solid year, this year. And that’s me paraphrasing some shizz from me! I will say this after saying I will say this, if O’Neill reaches 30 homers, he will be drafted as if he had a great year. If he finishes with 29 homers, he will be underrated. I’m not joking.

Jacob deGrom – Told reporters his UCL is “just fine.” I didn’t see the video of him discussing his UCL. Did anyone hear if he said el oh el?

Javier Baez – 2-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (29) and double legs (15, 16). If anyone tries to steer you away from a guy going 30/15/.250 in a 5×5 league, you should serious question their ‘pertness.

Jesus Luzardo – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 6.72. The strikeouts are why I was excited the Marlins went out and got Luzardo, but the walks are still concerning, so I’d be careful this year.

Jazz Chisholm – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Ain’t trying to go caca-cuckoo with prorating, but he’s only played in 103 games.

John Means – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.42. Pretty happy to see him bounce back from his midseason injury. I moved on already, but still like to see him finish strong so can grab him for cheap next year. Again.

Carlos Hernandez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.29. People who tell you that you have to draft starters early are those who usually disappear to play fantasy football before the baseball season is over and have no idea who Carlos Hernandez is.

Nicky Lopez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. For this home run, the Royals tricked the Orioles into pitching from the 2nd base bag and Lopez stood on the mound so he’d get an extra 60 feet to the fences.

Hunter Dozier – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Grabbed him in my RCL at Fantrax for the batty call, but something is wrong with that site and I kept getting messages that said my team is illegal and no stats would count, so what’s this? A booty call that was all a dream?

Stephen Vogt – 2-for-2, and his 6th and 7th homer. Stephen here to remind everyone to Vogt in the recall.

Adam Duvall – 1-for-5 and his 34th homer, and 4th homer in four games. Now I don’t know if he’ll hit a homer in his 5th straight game, but, if he does, he will hit another in the 6th.

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 29th homer, hitting .293. Not fantasy related, but it feels like some team is about to overpay for a past-his-prime Freeman. Hey, I don’t care how a billionaire wastes his money, but Freeman is about 12 months of baseball away from being a 22-homer, .270 hitter.

Jorge Soler – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer. Soler and Rosario are the world’s greatest tag team. One is rested, and the other comes in and homers. Call them the Homer Foundation.

Gerrit Cole – Says he should avoid the IL with his tight hamstring. Yanks are deep in the heat of the pennant chase, so I wouldn’t be surprised to see Cole early next week. Unlike the Mets, the Yankees don’t seem to make up fake injury reports.

Jameson Taillon – Hit the IL with an ankle tendon injury. Damn, that sucks, and not as in slurping, though tendons in soup is surprisingly yum.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. HR to the Izzo!

Gary Sanchez – 1-for-3 and his 21st homer. I see a lot of Yankee fans talking about how Sanchez has had a nice bounce back season this year. Wanna know how low the bar is for Gary? He’s hitting .213! Bounce back like one of the Milli Vanilli guys quitting music being a better choice than the other one who went to Sayonaraville.

Nestor Cortes Jr. – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Is it just me or do you hear Nestor Cortes Jr. and hear Nelson Cruz Jr.? Just me, huh? So, Cortes conquistador’d another solid effort and Streamonator is a little positive on his next, and I’d go all-in on him.

Randal Grichuk – 2-for-5, and his 22nd homer. Not sure if he’s available in 50% of leagues, and he won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he is the type to hit ’em in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana.

Bo Bichette – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (22) and legs (22). Boba Chette with the slam and legs to show he’s got OCD.

Jose Berrios – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.52. Someone asked yesterday if they should start Berrios. We went over this — just start him everywhere and hope at the end of the year he’s more better than worse.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-5 and his 42nd homer, hitting .319. Cake Batter dunkin’ behinds his back over the Yankees, going for the AL MVP and I love it!

Reynaldo Lopez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.05. White Sox have a recent history of developing big upside arms. Giolito was drafted in the 2nd round this year (foolishly, but still solid, upside arm), but not that long ago he was Lopez. Then this year Cease was Lopez and now is Cease. And now Lopez is Lopez. Hmm, that’s massively confusing as I read it back, but Lopez is the kind of big arm that can become Giolito or Cease as soon as next year.

Chris Bassitt – Threw off flat ground. My not-so-random prediction is he comes back to throw in one of the final games of the season to a *packed crowd in Oakland. *around 2,000 people, including stadium employees.

Sean Manaea – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.79. Now has back-to-back seven-inning Quality Starts, and is one of the few starters who actually looks better when you see his underlying stats, while not having terrible surface stats. What I mean is, usually a guy will have a better FIP than ERA, but it will be like, “Mike Minor has a FIP that is nearly one run better, but it’s still 4.29, so who cares? He has a 5 ERA, no thanks.”

Franmil Reyes – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer. Now I want 40 homers; el eff gee!

Oscar Mercado – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Hmm, wonder if I should write a Oscar Mercado 2022 sleeper. *dodges tomato* I was kidding!

Jose Ramirez – 1-for-3 and his 33rd homer, hitting .260. *pouring beer out for Jo-Ram’s career after Lindor left him, looks down, sees beer hitting someone in the gutter* “What happened, man?” Man in the curb looks up, sad, “I drafted Lindor.”

Cal Quantrill – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.04. Think I’ve figured it out with the Guardians’ starters: You want the guys no one wants. Think about Bieber before everyone drafted him? Great! Plesac before everyone wanted him? Awesome! Next year, give me Eli Morgan!

Miguel Sano – 1-for-2 and his 26th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games, and I said he’d hit two homers by Sunday, but didn’t put any money on it, because all my money is currently tied up in my new company, Vanmo. It’s like Venmo, but it sends money wirelessly with windowless vans.