It’s always about you, Rockie Rookie. Man, Rockie Rookie, you are set up to conquer the world and didn’t leave me sh*t! Like you own the whole goddamn country, Rockie Rookie. (Only funny in Lou Diamond Phillips’ brother’s voice from La Bamba.) Late on Saturday night the Rockies answered my prayers to fix my Mike Mostsuckass 3rd base shituation and called up Nolan Arenado. To make the move happen, the Rockies designated Chris Nelson for assignment. His assignment was to stop sucking. Arenado isn’t the answer to the world’s prayers for clean water and/or a toilet that sprays air freshener into your butt after you poop. He won’t end world hungry and/or make sure everyone can one day appreciate jazz so the people who do appreciate jazz will stop saying, “Aw, man, you just don’t appreciate jazz.” He’s pretty much Pacheco or Nelson with a little more power. Maybe 17 homer power with ten of those coming at home, but A) He has upside. B) He’s in Coors. C) There’s no C. D) The Rockies would be fools to call him up and not play him unless he completely bombs out. E) I don’t feel like going all the way back to A and re-reading, have I mentioned the upside thing? F) What about the fact he’s in Coors? Have I said that? Have I said there’s no C? So, right there, there’s six to ten (I didn’t count) legit reasons to pick him up in all mixed leagues. For serious, grab him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Troy Tulowitzki – Left yesterday’s game with a shoulder strain. Let the Yellin’ of Troy begin.
Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and 3 homers in the last two days. “Is it getting stuffy in here?” That’s my pants talking. Or maybe the temperature is rising because the window to buy Giancarlo just closed. I’m gonna try to pry it open with Chris Davis and a closer… *struggling to lift Betancourt by his ankles* Dah! Nope. Hold on, let me try to get Coco Crisp and Peavy into…that…buy low…crack… Gah! Forget it.
Carlos Villanueva – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. He ran into the pitching buzz saw that is Giancarlo, and gets the Reds next. The Sheriff of Upside Pitching, Chuck Newtown, just lost the election to comptroller, teammate and all-around choad, Travis Wood, who gets the Padres next.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-3, 1 RBI, hitting .211, and up about 35 points in four days. When he’s hitting .260 with 14 homers by May 15th, you’re gonna feel silly for harboring so much ill will towards A.R. RBIsandstuff.
Brennan Boesch – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. I’d keep one eye on him, only because he was once a sleeper and those die hard with a vengeance.
Phil Hughes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Blue Jays. I usually put the team after the line when it’s a very good team to be like, “Wow, see what so-and-so did against them?” Or when it’s a terrible team to be like, “Yeah, it was only the Marlins, Astros or Padres.” I’m really not sure what the Blue Jays mean. Their record is only a hair better than the Astros.
Chris Heisey – To the 15-day DL. The Reds are gonna bring up Billy Hamilton….Just not today. I’d love to be wrong, but he’s hitting .215 with a .289 OBP in the minors. Even if he was called up, there’s no reason to believe he would be more than a SAGNOF’er like, say, Eric Young Jr. It’s a nice dream you got with Hamilton, but right now it’s just that, a dream. Sorry, I had to get serious with you. Sometimes you need stern.
Tony Cingrani – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (2 hits), 11 Ks. So there’s that. As Cool Breeze would say, “Whoa.” Cingrani had 4 Ks in one inning to tie a record held by countless others that happened when the umps were on strike and the players’ parents were umping. So, what do the Reds do with Cingrani when Cueto returns? I wouldn’t send Cingrani down, you wouldn’t send him down, that doesn’t mean Dusty won’t. Dusty, armed with nothing but a mint-flavored toothpick, once had Mark Prior throw batting practice the day after he threw 130 pitches ‘to keep his arm fresh.’ No Rhyme + No Reason = Carnie Wilson. Damn, that was supposed to equal Dusty Baker. Must’ve forgot to carry the one somewhere. At this point, you have to hold Cingrani and wait until the Reds blink with what they’re gonna do next.
Justin Masterson – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 13 baserunners, 9 Ks. “Hey, guys you want to stream me? I’ve been going pretty well this year.” “Um, I don’t know, Masterson, you seem to be giving up a lot of baserunners every start.” “S’cool, stream me if you want. Up to you. I’ll probably throw a no-hitter, but whatever.” Oh, no, it’s Justin Masterson: Passive Aggressive Fantasy Starter!
Asdrubal Cabrera – 5-for-9, 2 runs, 1 RBI in the double header. He was batting .162 going into yesterday, now that’s up to .208. The Drubal lives (in a mansion, probably, I mean he does make millions. Imagine his neighbors? “Hey, Asdrubal, wanna go to the golfing range? I got some new plaid pants.” “Sure, Winthrop, maybe we can hit the batting cages after.”)
Mike Aviles – 1-for-4, 5 RBIs with his 2nd homer. He didn’t start in the 1st game, which is his problem. The bigger problem, Kipnis didn’t start in the second game. But he’s so good on rye!
Carlos Santana – 6-for-9, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 1st steal. Oye como muah!
Jeremy Guthrie – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. After his last solid performance, I said, “Okay, I’ve seen enough. I’m not starting him every time out with confidence. In most match-ups, he should have fantasy value. I’d go ahead and grab him.” And that’s me quoting me!
Alex Gordon – 2-for-8, 2 RBIs as he hit his 3rd homer in the 1st game of the DH. I wonder if it’s gauche of me to write the Royals and tell them to move Gordon to the three hole and Butler to the four. It would sure help my preseason projections of him.
Brett Anderson – Will be skipped in the rotation and Dan Straily will take his spot today vs. the Los Angeles Angeles of a 40-Minute Ride from Los Angeles. Anderson was fitted with a walking boot that is 14 inches long and he was given a 13-inch wire hanger to itch with, so he can know his fantasy owners’ frustration. I doubt Anderson gets put right back into the rotation after missing only one turn, but that’s the story the A’s are telling. I’d grab Straily in just about all leagues, but he’s more of a 4th to 5th fantasy starter.
Kevin Correia – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, to lower his ERA to 2.23. On one of my posts I never got a chance to publish, it was a recap of an AL-Only draft. Time just got away from me. Maybe I’ll post it when I do a monthly recap of our teams. Potatoes to chips, on that AL-Only team, our pitching looked iffy at best in March. Well, iffy to everyone but me, prolly. Matt Moore, Kevin Correia, Doubront, Hammel, Bud Norris, Worley, Milone and Grimm. We’re in 2nd place right now with the pitching bolstering the team. I wouldn’t suggest Correia for all mixed leagues or for every match-up, but when he’s in the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome, you could do worse.
Justin Morneau – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. The Concusstador had back-to-back 2-for-4 days. As they say in Spain during Punky Brewster reruns, Olé Moon Frye!
Brian Dozier – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and has now hit in 8 of his last 10 games and has been hitting lead-off. He’s a pretty lukewarm schmotato.
Aaron Hicks – 1-for-3, run. That sleeper you loved in March and hated in the beginning of April is starting to get hot. He’s hit .300 in the last week and has cut down his Ks dramatically. If you can avoid loving and hating him, you might just like him for speed. I sound downright spiritual!
Jon Niese – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. Sonavabench!
Shelby Miller – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks as he looked mortal. I’d look at this game simply as a minor blemish that just needs some coverup and for you to talk to the girl you like while turning to your good side.
Andrew McCutchen – Clint Hurdle removed his star player on Friday in a double-switch in the 5th inning, then he benched him yesterday. In an even more bizarre move, Clint replaced McCutchen with an empty chair. Member how silly you felt because you didn’t seize your opportunity to buy low on Giancarlo “Lord of the Universe” Stanton? Now would be the time to buy low on The Dread Pirate.
Russell Martin – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers. Who needs The Dread Pirate when we have Alyssa Milano’s Butt Pirate?
Jeff Locke – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. I still wouldn’t touch him in shallower mixed leagues. He’s getting by on guile, luck and I-can’t-put-my-finger-on-itness. Oh, unless you have a I-can’t-put-my-finger-on-itness category in your league, then he’s solid.
Garrett Jones – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .324. He needs to be platooned out of your lineup against lefties, but has been productive when he’s been in there. Robot Jones looks like the new David Murphy, Righty Killer.
Didi Gregorius – Hit the 7-day DL after taking a pitch off the ol’ noggin. Damn, pitchers wanna stick him like flypaper. Slow down, please chill, drop the caper from his head onto the lemon piccatta. I added that last part.
Jason Kubel – 0-for-3 as Kubel was taken off ice and popped from the DL. If you need a completely forgettable, 22-25 homer-ish guy, look no further. Well, I’d look further, but you catch my drift.
Patrick Corbin – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. I liked what I saw, but I wasn’t blown away either. Couple of nice defensive plays behind him reduced damage. I still stand (sit) behind my Buy of him from Friday, but his 1.91 ERA will not stay that low (obviously). BTW, when I’m talking I make parenthesis with my arms. It looks like I’m singing YMCA, but only doing the Y’s.
Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks. Doesn’t surprise me he’s pitching well. I’d be surprised if he gets through 200 innings with no recurrence of his hip ailment.
Carl Crawford – 2-for-4 with two solo homers, his 3rd and 4th of the season. No one was cheering more for Carl than Lenny.
Michael Morse – 2-for-4 with his first home run since he broke his pinkie. Now he’ll hit a few more homers this week and then break his leg. Morse is code for injury-prone.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks. Hisashi my dashi — slurp, SLURP! Any progress with this sweeping the country?
Jason Vargas – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. After being beat around in his new digs, he returned to make the M’s bats look like twigs. That was The Rime of the Ancient Marginer.
Manny Machado – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and four wet spots on my desk. What? No! From drool! Gross!
Nate McLouth – 4-for-5, 4 runs and his 8th steal, hitting .351. Okay, you don’t have to own him the whole year, but there’s really no reason he shouldn’t be on your team right now.
Seth Smith – 1-for-5, 2 run, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. The Lisper’s Nightmare was this week’s Creeper. Thweet!
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer as he was activated from the DL. Great news for his owners, terrible news for lispers. “I’m not even going to try to pronounce hith name.”
Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, as he bats .375. He’s so badass I will call him Grey Worm.
Austin Jackson – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I wonder if he’s related to Donaldson. Nah, prolly not.
Omar Infante – 2-for-4 and his 2nd day in a row with a homer. You say potato, I say Infante’s a hot schmotato.
Joel Hanrahan – Looks like the Red Sox lied to us. Hanrahananananananan is now expected to get the closer job back when he returns on Tuesday. Maybe they couldn’t handle Bailey’s Jimmy Stewart voice and poems about his dog, Beau. That shizz makes me get all weepy every time.
Shane Victorino – Jackie Bradley Jr. could be on his way back to the club with Victorino potentially needing a DL stint. JBJ was shot down in a blaze of glory and one game where he walked three times. Outside of AL-Only leagues, I’d leave JBJ to the Sons of Sam Horn and one of the 67 Red Sox fans who named their kid, Johnny Pesky. Fun Fact Alert! Did you know by the year 2070 everyone in New England will be named Johnny or Joanna Pesky?
Mike Carp – 2-for-3, run, RBI, hitting .455. At least all fish aren’t rotten. He’s not playing every day, so it’s hard to Carpe the Carp.
Jose Lobaton – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in his last three games. He’s behind Jose Molina on the depth chart, but sometimes Joe Maddon just writes first names on the lineup card, and it becomes a foot race to whoever can get on field first. Jose Lobaton’s greatest accomplishment prior to this year was manufacturing fantastic knockoffs of Louis Vuitton. “Have you see my Lobaton wallet? I think I left it with my Armando Benitez clutch.” Lobaton isn’t anything, but a 2nd catcher with very limited power (8-ish in 500 ABs).
Matt Joyce – 1-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Now has three homers in the last eight days. Rudy has also been shuffling him in and out of his lineup in the RCL, so there’s your endorsement, if you needed one.
David Price – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks. I’m sure if you drafted Price, you want more. #firstworldproblems Don’t worry, I think you will get it. Patience is Tom Virtue, the dad from Even Stevens.
Paul Konerko – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .235. I think it’s fair to say Konerko got old. It happens to all of us. Except me. I’m Dorian Grey.
Ronny Cedeno – 2-for-4, RBI. It’s time for another installment of…Where The Hell Did The Astros Bat This Guy In Their Order? Yesterday, Cedeno batted fifth, acting as the DH. Wikipedia defines the fifth hitter as “traditionally (have) been RBI men, with the main goal of driving runners home. This is the ‘heart of the order.'” Does this seem to define Ronny Cedeno? In 2528 plate appearances coming into yesterday, he had 12 plate appearances batting fifth. Somewhere, Tim Kurkjian is squeaking about this, distracting dolphins.