Yesterday, Lucas Duda went 3-for-5, 3 RBIs with two homers (26, 27). He now has five homers in the last three days. Duda goes from doodie to Duda in the blink of an eye. He’s like a sports car that goes 0 to 60 in five seconds flat that you only drive three times a year, because, while your penis may be small, you’re also reasonable enough to realize if someone crashes into you, you’re going to cry and that’s embarrassing in front of your future trophy wife. It seems like no matter how many games Duda misses and no matter how deep his slumps get, he gets scorching hot at some point and will get to thirty homers. His hot streaks are shorter, but he reminds me of a poor man’s Chris Davis. I will call him Piss Davis. Maybe I won’t call him that to his face. Somehow, Duda is available in over 40% of ESPN leagues. (Though 85% of leagues are abandoned already so he’s owned in 125% of leagues. Hmm…) So, if he’s out there, grab him before he takes the car back into the shop and pays $54,000 for a new taillight. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Matt Harvey – Will only make one start in the NLDS, which is the National League Division Series, if there were any Mormons reading this, thinking I was now covering the National Latter Day Saints ping-pong tournament. Though, that one Mormon who only speaks Chinese is suspicious to me.
Steven Matz – Stiffness in his right side, but it’s not considered serious and should start on Thursday. The Mets won the division already. Just throw Bobby Bonilla, who they’re paying a million dollars this year, to start the remaining games. *wipes hands on apron* Done, that’s it, problem fixed.
Darin Ruf – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. I hear the name Darin and I immediately think of Bewitched because I’m old! As for Ruf, he has three homers in the past week, so could be a hot schmotato.
Maikel Franco – Will rejoin the Phils on Thursday. Yes, just in time to re-injure himself and hurt his chances of becoming a superstar next year. Apparently, they’re letting Ruin Tomorrow Jr. finish out the season over Skype.
Giancarlo Stanton – The Marlins announced Stanton is done for the season. This takes a load off of my mind, which is somewhere a load doesn’t usually come from when I think of Giancarlo.
Logan Forsythe – Left yesterday’s game after being hit on the foot. Could cost him some time since he never practiced walking on his hands as a youngster.
Matt Moore – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. I streamed him yesterday and I would on Sunday too…Okay, honestly, interjection, at this point, I’m streaming everyone.
Mikie Mahtook – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, and his third homer this week. Fine, I give up, he’s a hot schmotato!
Asdrubal Cabrera – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 14th homer and 2nd this week. Yes, you would’ve been better off with Asdrubal than Rendon. Stop pointing out those facts that hurt me.
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 7 ER. “This Pineda is so easy to hit, a kid could do it.” Something overheard at the Yankee game and Party City.
Dustin Ackley – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Ackley sounds like the noise one makes when they’re about to be sick, but he is definitely hot.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer. I’m not a Red Sox fan by any stretch of the imagination. I’m not really a fan of any team. It’s all about fantasy for me. With that said (here comes something!), I have a feeling I’m going to be ranking Betts above every other ‘pert next year.
Rick Porcello – 8 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. The Stream-o-Nator mildly likes his last start of the year and if you’re thinking about streaming, I say, at that point, what the eff you got the lose?
Blake Swihart – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers (4, 5), and third in three games. He was thisclose to be the lede today, but, well, catchers. I would grab him though, if he’s available.
Trea Turner – 2-for-3 and his 1st career homer. There’s more where that came from! I mean, the odds that anyone would hit one homer and never another one are slim to anorexic.
Ryan Zimmerman – Done for the year. Backdate this to 2008.
Yunel Escobar – Out with an upper back issue. For those wondering, an issue of Upper Back isn’t a chiropractor periodical.
Tanner Roark – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. The Stream-o-Nator hates his last start of the year, but it’s against the Mets and I can’t imagine they put any of their regulars out there for longer than three innings. By Sunday, the Mets may not even have a pitcher than can more than three innings.
A.J. Pierzynski – 3-for-3 and two solo homers (8, 9). Incredibly, I’ve made it all the way up to 2nd place in Tout Wars. The only place I can really gain points is in power. What does all this have to do with Pierzynski? Guess who owns the lesser of the two A.J. Pollocks? This mustachioed man!
Matthew Wisler – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Sure would’ve been better to stream this schmohawk for two starts this week than Cody Anderson, after the latter was rained out last night and now likely won’t get a 2nd start.
Adam Wainwright – Will be activated on Wednesday. A reputable site said, “He can be a “secret” weapon for St. Louis in the playoffs.” Quotes around secret aside, is Wainwright a secret weapon? Like, “Holy turdbuckets, who is that guy?! Check the media guide, quick! Oh, it’s the guy who has finished in the top three in Cy Young balloting four times.”
Stephen Piscotty – Has a concussion, but the Cards’ GM said he has a “slight concussion.” Oh, yeah, like a slight heart attack.
Brad Ziegler – He’s away from the club for the birth of his child. Nine months ago, Ziegler emerged from his bedroom saying, “Now that’s some sidearm action!”
Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.50. I think that’s his last start of the year, but either way, he’s definitely worked his way onto a short list of pitchers that will be drafted after the top 200 overall next year, that could easily end up a top 30 starter.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 40th homer. Could someone draft only Rockie hitters next year just ’cause? Please, I think it’ll work, but I’m scared of 10-day road trips.
Greg Holland – Will have Tommy John surgery on Friday. That means Holland won’t be doing a windmill with his arm until 2017.
Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. Jeff Samardzija 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. This matchup was billed as, “A Pitcher Who Kicks People In The Head vs. A Pitcher I’d Like To Kick In The Head.” Sadly, no one was kicked in the head yesterday.
Kendrys Morales – 1-for-3 and his 22nd homer and his 106th RBI. Yes, he has more RBIs than Jose Abreu. In case, ya know, you were wondering.
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-4 and his 17th homer. Only three more homers to reach the number of homers most 1st basemen had by June 1st during the steroids era.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Next year’s Pollock? Yes, if Lee Krasner were to manage him.
Carlos Gomez – Still has intercostal discomfort. If I may assist the Astros organization, it was a lousy trade. He’s been injured all year and never able to get in much of a groove. You’re better off without him. Damn, I’m a tough love SOB. By the by, I always found it odd that SOB is also sob, as in to cry. I’d like to whip that acronym SOB into shape, that’s how tough I am!
Robinson Cano – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer. I’m glad he’s managed to put himself in a position to be overdrafted yet again last year. You know, Cano, the one that is ranked about the same as Brandon Belt on our Player Rater.
Mike Fiers – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.69. His ERA is a lie. I have no idea how he’s doing it, but it’s a lie.
Michael Brantley – Could be shut down for the year. Yeah, no fooling, foo’.
Todd Frazier – Has a slight Achilles strain. How an Achilles strain can be slight is Greek to me. This will likely end Frazier’s season. Guess we’ll never find out if Frazier ends up with Diane.
Dan Haren – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.67. Don’t even get involved with the theory that you could’ve just drafted Haren 10 rounds after Samardzija and had been better off. I’ve gone down that rabbit hole and it’s not fun.
Tyson Ross – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. Every year one pitcher throws a no-hitter on the last day of the season (totally not a fact). I’m gonna guess it’s Ross this year.
Jean Segura – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. I don’t think I’m gonna write a sleeper post on Segura this offseason, but the cold months of the winter (65 in LA; I have a laser thermometer to check it) can change my mind.
Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 13 Ks as the Dodgers clinched in front of the Giants fans. So disgusted, Giants fans couldn’t even finish their chardonnay.
Madison Bumgarner – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, Zero Homers Hit, Three Homers Allowed (Ruggiano, A.J. Ellis, Kike Hernandez, a real murderer’s row, if we’re talking about murdering one’s perception of what a good hitter is). That was the most homers he’s allowed in a game since his rookie season. After 270 IP last year, he’s thrown the third most pitches this year. Next year, his arm falls off.
Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 6 ER. Too bad this game didn’t get rained out too.
Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. His steals this year did a disappearing act — it’s not a trick, it’s illusion! — but Choo’s year has been decent outside of that. Well, not year, but 2nd half. His .350 average in the 2nd half has helped fix a lot.
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 38th homer. Said like a cologne commercial voiceover, “Just Dong, because that’s all she wants.”
Daniel Norris – 1 2/3 IP, 2 ER, but 4 unearned runs. “Hello, and welcome back to, ‘How Phenomenally Stupid Is That Manager?!’ The Ph is pronounced like an F if any managers are reading. So, last time out Norris was pulled with a perfect game going because the Tigers are trying to watch his arm. He was pulled after 63 pitches. Yesterday, in a mess of a start? He threw 71 pitches! Coming up after the break, Mattingly.”
Nick Tropeano – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks. Wow. Guess he was the guy to stream. Prior to this, Tropeano’s claim to fame was when NBC called him to be the hunky doofus in the LA version of Friends.
