Yesterday, Jason Vargas was traded to the Phillies. Good luck, Phillies reporters! Vargas will be the 1st player to throw batteries back at fans. “What’s with that stupid grin?” Rhys Hoskins pulls Vargas by the arm, “Hey, Vargy, that’s, uh, the Phanatic. His expression doesn’t change.” “I’ll knock that smirk off his face!” So, Vargas now becomes the ace of the Phillies’ staff, which means he’s a league-average starter. I keed. A little. Aaron Nola is good, just not this year. Since Vargas doesn’t even change divisions, his value stays pretty level, except Citizens Flank is a worse park than Metco, so there’s a slight tick down, if anything. How about this trading deadline so far? Huh? It’s almost as good as the Winter Hot Stove. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Enrique Hernandez – Hit the IL. Wanna know how well the Dodgers are playing? Kiké’s been hurt for a few days, but Dodgers were like, “Whatever, we’re in the playoffs, play a man down, I don’t feel like doing the paperwork.”
Jon Gray – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.88. *turns to reflection in the mirror* Reflection, “You should never quit Gray.” *thinks* Is that an order to not quit or are you saying I shouldn’t quit Jon Gray? Reflection? Don’t just stare at me! Ahhh!!!
David Dahl – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .304. It’s nice to be back in Coors.
Jordan Lyles – Traded to the Brewers for Cody Ponce. Daniel Ponce De Leon is like, “Yo, Cody, don’t disown our De Leon side of the family.” Lyles has a 9.57 ERA over his last nine starts, so he becomes the Brewers what? Number one starter? Okay, that’s a little harsh, but his 5.36 ERA looks pretty solid in that ragtag rotation. He’s barely a streamer in most mixed leagues.
Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .278. An Angels’ beat reporter said that while Cabrera was rounding the bases on his home run, Albert Pujols commented, “Who is that speed demon?”
Kole Calhoun – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer, hitting .238. I mention this on the podcast coming later today, but Calhoun or Khris Davis? Okay, answer again after seeing Davis has only homered 11 times in this country this year.
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 1-for-5 and his 18th homer, hitting .331. FTJ! Fun the jewels fast! Fun the jewels fast!
Franmil Reyes – 1-for-3 and his 27th homer, hitting .253. This might be the last homer Franmil hits for the Padres. Maybe, if we’re lucky, he’ll go to the Brewers so he can hit bombs and go by Franmilwaukee.
Luis Urias – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Wait, he’s not a bust after almost 100 major league at-bats? Really? Wow, so surprising. I thought that was the end of his career. Looks like the Orioles’ pitching can help anyone reach their potential.
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, hitting .283. Take the red pill and go back to your ordinary life. Take the “Facing Orioles’ pitching” pill and become Babe Ruth. Which do you take?
Bo Bichette – 1-for-4 as he was called up. If you were in a one-day coma or just got super drunk on Sunday and it dragged into Monday, I went over Bichette yesterday. Click on his name and you are magically transported to all mentions of him (clickbait!).
Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 15th homer. I won’t point out how Teoscar’s been better than Vlad Jr., because that’s just cruel (and prolly inaccurate when you consider AVG, runs and RBIs).
Cavan Biggio – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .216, and his 2nd homer in three games, but hitting around .150 in that time. The Seeds of the 2002 All-Stars will all see better days, but right now Vlad Jr., Biggio and Bichette look like them in their final years, when they were bald and hobbling.
Brad Keller – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.01. Streamonator hates his next start, and, since it’s against the Twins, you have to have a few marbles loose in your domepiece to start him there.
Sonny Gray – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.45. Reds jumped out to a ten-run lead and Gray cruised out to the W on the Ivictory Coast. Damn, that sounds nice. I’m currently in Palm Springs where it’s 117 degrees, and I fear if I get locked in my car, I will die. You can’t get locked in your car, right?
Josh VanMeter – 1-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .311. Not VanMeter’s biggest game in the last week, but I meant to mention him yesterday, and I got sidetracked — ooh, a birdie! He had three homers in three games from Thursday thru Saturday, and I grabbed him in one deeper league. His pedigree comes with caveats; he flamed out in Double and Triple-A in previous years. He was solid this year, though, going 14/8/.348 in 49 games in Triple-A, and I’m either grabbing or cyclops’ing, depending on league depth.
Starling Marte – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th homer, hitting .285. Has he been discussed in trades? Pirates should trade this guy, instead of their rando pitchers. Not that Marte is bad, but hs best days are behind him and could fetch something on the market, methinks.
Bryan Reynolds – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Max Scherzer – Hit the IL again with more back issues of Men’s Health, which is a wildly hetero magazine. Brucely, this stinks for Scherzer. Back concerns are a major liability for pitchers (as I was worried about with Clevinger in the 1st half), and this could limit Scherzer to under 30 IP in the 2nd half.
Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.23. Since June 19th, he has a 1.76 ERA in 51 IP. Yes, cherrypicking, but so what?
Anthony Rendon – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 23rd homer, a grand slam, hitting .318. Rendon could still get in the MVP conversation. Dot dot dot. If he hits 30 more homers, and Yelich goes 0-for-145 and Bellinger goes 1-for-132. Math is accurate there.
Dallas Keuchel – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.86. This is such an accurate representation of what Keuchel is I’m going to start calling a 3.86 ERA, The Dallas. “Are you visiting Fort Worth?” “Close, gonna be in 3.86 for a few days.”
Ketel Marte – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer. If you’re as plugged in and hip as moi, you’re likely thinking the same thing as me. Marte’s really slowed down in the 2nd half. Yes and no. He only has three homers in 59 ABs (that’s not that bad), but he’s also hitting near-.370 in that time. So, we were both wrong, if you were wrong like me. By the by, Wrong Like Me is my debut single off the I Told You Stop Following Me album.
Greg Holland – 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.54. This was one extra dagger for the people too slow to drop him when he was removed from the 9th. I was one of those people. *plays Wrong Like Me*
Brian Anderson – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 15th homer, hitting .247, and 2nd homer in as many games. I touted Garrett Cooper so many times a representative from the Cooper family rang me up to stop. That’s cool, we cool, but, in the last week or so, Anderson has been better, so I ain’t sweating you, Cooper.
Miguel Rojas – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Whoa, whoa, WHOA, not to be confused with Woah, Noah’s brother who was like, “I got an umbrella, you bozo.” How does Rojas only have four homers total and three in three games? That doesn’t add up. I mean, literally it does, but if a guy is struggling to hit homers all year then hits three in three games, it’s a little goofy. Think of Jarrod Dyson hitting three homers in three games. “I can make it happen.” Stop it, Rob Manfred! Stop it right now.
Caleb Smith – 7 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.43. I don’t know if he’s good for *making bunny ears* “baseball” or *making bunny ears* “the sport” or whatever, but, man, I love me some Caleb Smith. Give me three Caleb Smiths, two avocado toasts and put on some Benny Mardones. (The guy in the video who opens the door is the best thing you will see all week.)