Yesterday, was the first time the Cubs have won 100 games since 1935. Though, in 1994, the Cubs were so gonna win the final 49 games if the strike didn’t happen, giving them 98 wins, then two losses were going to go under review and get reversed. What? My crystal ball is very specific. Why don’t you people believe me? Kidding, I know you believe me because I can see you in my crystal ball. Put on some pants that don’t have an elastic band, would you please! Kyle Hendricks (6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (0 walks), 5 Ks, ERA down to 1.99) did his usual magic. I say let him sit out his final start so he can end the year with a minus-2 ERA, and I bet the Cubs say the same thing as me. Know why? I have the best words. People love my words. No one has words like me. Carrying them offensively was Javier Baez (2-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 14th homer). Whenever Hendricks grooves, Baez seems to play himself a little ditty, too. Must be their Woodstock connection. If Joan Baez didn’t perform at Woodstock, don’t tell me, for folk’s sake. Baez is going to be a tough nut to peg (totally a saying) for 2017 fantasy. He’s made great strides with his strikeouts. Looks like an easy bet for a 17/17 season if he were to play every day, but 17/17 is just a tad boring compared to 20/20. By the way, Tad Boring never gets any dates on Tinder. Also, we’re not sure if Baez will have an everyday job. Cubs’ playing time can be Maddon’ing. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kris Bryant – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 39th homer. JB and I do a three-round, 2017 mock draft on the podcast that’s coming later today. Bryant ends up on one of our teams. Can’t tell you whose team, that would ruin the mock suspense.
Gregory Polanco – Still out on Monday. He faceplanted the wall on Friday and could be out most of the week. Speaking of face plants, check out these new Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump Chia pets with an added bonus!
Starling Marte – Still out with back pain. He’s had two at-bats since September 5th. Might be time to find a backup plan and I don’t mean an external drive.
Jordan Zimmermann – Could start this weekend. He’s been ineffective for the better part of the year or battling lat problems. There’s a chance on Sunday he brings both the former and the latter problems.
Nick Castellanos – Could return this weekend. I gotta say, if he misses that timetable, he’s gonna provide very little value this year.
Corey Kluber – Left after four innings (2 ER) with a strained groin. Please let the Indians face off with the Mets in the World Series so we can see our first pitching matchup of two outfielders. “The unconventional matchup of Curtis Granderson vs. Lonnie Chisenhall comes up after these fifteen minutes of DraftKings’ commercials where they try to appeal to the .01% of the population who doesn’t know them.”
Coco Crisp – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .235. Coco feels like the type of player that won’t make a major league roster next year, so in case we lose him, I always took your game cerealiously. And I truly appreciated when you wore a giant afro for the Coco puff.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .313. Just Dong, because someone has to.
J.A. Happ – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.20. He deserved better than a no decision, but since he’s won 20 games this year with mediocre stuff and with the best run support in the majors behind Porcello and Arrieta, Happ will get over it.
Mark Teixeira – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .204. He also had two hits on Sunday. I know that because I owned him for that day because at this time of year some credence should be given to a narrative. Teixeira is retiring at the end of the year and might either get some pitches grooved to him or might just want to go out on a high note.
Aaron Hicks – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Member when I said Hicks was a sleeper? For the record, I was not on any medication.
Luis Severino – 1 IP, 1 ER. Was ejected for throwing at batters, but it reminds me of another pitfall you need to avoid in this final week; teams are super quick with a hook if they’re vying for a playoff slot or if they’re going against someone who is. So, the Stream-o-Nator might like someone, but it doesn’t know that a pitcher might be removed after one inning. Watch your step, Pitfall Harry!
Jonathan Villar – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homers. I’m already not looking forward to ranking Villar next year. I bet he shows up anywhere from a top 12 overall pick to around 50th overall.
Adam Duvall – 4-for-6, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and his 32nd and 33rd homers. Look at Duvall rewarding those that stuck by him for their H2H playoffs! Dot dot dot. Or totally frustrating those that didn’t stick with him.
Steve Selsky – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. If you own Steve Selsky, you are either Barbara, Ben, Jim or Lacey Selsky, his family. Wait, I’m told now that Ben Selsky went with Brandon Drury for his 5th outfielder. I suppose Selsky could be a hot schmotato for a week, but there is little in his profile to get excited about.
Brandon Phillips – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and two steals (13, 14). Isn’t it funny (not funny) how one team desperately needs to win a game (the Cards), and the other team (the Reds) crushes them? Told you it was funny (not funny).
Joey Votto – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 27th homer, hitting .321. When was the last time a hitter had a .400+ half? Not to answer–Actually, you can answer. Thanks!
Robinson Cano – 3-for-4 and his 34th and 35th homers, hitting .298. If you would’ve just said every single preseason projection is seven to ten homers under for every player, you would’ve been more right than the ‘perts.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.96 vs. Collin McHugh – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.53. The Stream-o-Nator loves both of their next starts, and I don’t necessarily disagree, but I have no idea if either pitcher will make his next start. So yay…maybe — or simply yaybe.
Sean Manaea – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.89. He’s the best Samoan pitcher since Afa and Sika combined for a two-hitter in a WWF company softball game in 1985.
Mike Trout – 2-for-2 and his 29th homer. Hey, whoever this guy is, he might be all right.
Daniel Murphy – Still out with glute pain. No word if it’s the gluteus maximus, the Gladiator of ass muscles.
Bryce Harper – Out of the lineup, and I’m unsure how much he will play this week. Or as Canadians say, “Harper’s PT, eh?”
Tanner Roark – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 2.86. The Regression Fairies have the Kinky Boots soundtrack, they cry during every episode of Transparent, and they destroy your pitchers’ ratios.
Jean Segura – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homers. Segura can’t buy a lede from me. No, really he can’t. I’m a non-profit. Little known secret is all bloggers are non-profits. Why do you think I have 17 ads on every page? I’m trying here! As for Segura, oh, give me a break! I was all about Segura back when all of youse wanted nothing to do with him. I made Segura great again! MSGA! Hmm, acronym needs work.
Yasmany Tomas – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 5 Ks and his 30th homer, hitting .269. Without knowing there was going to be an explosion of power this year, if I told you in March Tomas was going to hit 30 homers, where would you have drafted him? Assuming, yes, that you believed me about the 30 homers. Top 75? Top 50?
Jake Lamb – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 29th homer. What’s even more remarkable about Lamb’s 29 homers, I believe he retired from July thru yesterday.
Mitch Haniger – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Now has two homers in the last eight games, though he also only has four hits in that time. Might be a little power schmotato.
James Shields – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.82. Shields is rounding into form in time for the playoffs! What’s that? His poor pitching for the last three months insured the White Sox wouldn’t be in the playoffs? Where’d you get that, you fact checker? Hillary’s website?
Justin Morneau – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. He’s been ice cold recently, so Morneau more, but I’d Morneau less too.
Bartolo Colon – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.42. Watch out! Thar Colon blows!
Adam Conley – 3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.85 as he was activated from the DL. He returns from tendinitis in his middle finger. That’s a common injury to New York City cabbies.
Dee Gordon – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (27). He hit his 1st home run of the year in the first Marlin at-bat of the game since the tragedy of J-Fer because: baseball. That was like Robert Redford in The Natural, pre-insane wrinkles, Kevin Costner in Bull Durham, pre-terrible career choices, and Charlie Sheen in Major League, pre-terrible life choices, rolled into one highlight. That Dee Gordon home run was man tear-rific.