Willson Contreras (1-for-3 and his 20th homer) giving the winning run to Adam Wainwright (7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 7.40) for his 200th win is severely throwing off the Comatose Cardinals Fan. “Okay, I’ve been doing a snooze button for what? Ten days? Weeks? Months? Wow, that’s wild. I feel great! Good to see Adam Wainwright pitching, too bad he allowed that homer to Contreras. Those pesky Cubs, amiright? I’m not right? Hmm, I might need to sit down. Wait a minute, I am sitting? In a jar of formaldehyde?” Maybe because I’m old enough to remember the days of 300 wins by a starter (not in one year, I’m not that old), but 200 wins feels significant. Not sure we ever see another one. Gerrit Cole is the closet (not officially, but Johnny Cueto’s not winning ten more, let alone 57 more), and Cole’s five years away, at least, which assumes health. I used to laugh that deGrom was one of the best pitchers of his generation and he won’t crack 100 wins, but a lot of pitchers won’t. Wainwright is a throwback to a bygone era. An era when pitchers started the game in the 1st inning, and went as long as they could. Sometimes, that meant all the way to 200 wins. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tristan Gray – Optioned back to the minors after a pair of games. Geez, I was only only kidding that there were too many Grays. More the Grayier.

Hunter Renfroe – Designated for assignment by the Reds. Like Scooby Doo saying uh-oh, “Renfroe.”

Connor Phillips – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.74, as he was recalled. He’s a progeny from the Mamas & Papas. Not the band, but the fast food place run by mothers who sell fries. So, this was a solid start, but his command is so bad, that I’d be very careful with Phillips.

Will Benson  – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. No, not Will Benson. It’s Did Benson! Bam! High-five me until my hand stings! Let’s go! No? Okay, that’s fair. Actually, it wasn’t Did Benson on one, it was Will Benson when Michael A. Taylor robbed him of a 2nd homer.

Harrison Bader – Hit the IL with a groin strain. TMI!

Matt McLain – Could return next Tuesday. Great, just in time for me to move from 6th to 5th place.

Joe Ryan – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.30. More like Joe Mama. Boy, this guy stinks!

Royce Lewis – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. *handing a torch to Royce Lewis* “Here, I’m no longer able to carry this ‘Will be great if can stay healthy’ torch. Now, it’s up to you.” That’s Lewis’s teammate, Byron Buxton.

Alex Kirilloff – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. What the hell is in Minnesota’s water that makes their hitters so good for like two months a year and injured the rest of the time?

Josh Jung – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Jung left with the AL ROY locked up, and now he returns with every rookie breathing down his neck.

Kutter Crawford – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.19. Nearly streamed Kutter in Texas, but I don’t have literal marbles in my head.

Jordan Montgomery – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.38. I’m going all JoMos in some leagues next year. Ratios first and foremost, then I’ll look at Ks. This year has me shook and I need to try it.

Marcus Semien – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer. Way to go spurt! I mean, sport.

John Means – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.60. Impressed by how well he’s doing in his return. Impressed with a low bar is a lot different than actively picking him up.

Cedric Mullins – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .248. Cedric the HRtainer!

Ryan Pressly – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.84. Pressly making my chances for a championship leave the building.

Jose Abreu – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .235. Damn, 16 whole homers! Crazy, that’s two more than Martin Maldonado (2-for-4)!

Jeff McNeil – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .266. Mean’s while, now Buck Showalter has DJ Stewart hitting third. Buck is so clueless. Ronny Mauricio (1-for-4, 1 run, 6th steal, hitting .308) could be getting meaningful at-bats in the three-hole, but Buck’s wasting them on a guy who is clearly out the door immediately in October.

Jose Butto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Butto is also the Spanish nickname for Mrs. Met. If you know, you know! So, Butto’s not this good, but “not this good” in one hand, and what the Streamonator says in another hand and just vibing in a third hand, and you have three hands?

Sandy Alcantara – Threw a 20-pitch bullpen session yesterday. Marlins gonna have five starters next year and one UCL.

Edward Cabrera – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.35. Baseball: A sport where must-win starts vs. random-ass starters that translates literally to Butto and it doesn’t really matter. Baseball is a game that just vibes.

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 45th homer. To go with his 45 singles.

Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer, hitting .290. Also, in this game, J.T. Realmuto (1-for-4) hit his 19th homer; Nick Castellanos (1-for-3, 2 runs) hit his 25th homer and Johan Rojas (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 2nd homer. To put that in terms you understand, Greek God of Hard Contact asked his diner-owning mother to make him some Rojas sauce with Jerry Tomatoes.

Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.63. As said previously, Phils vs. Braves is a contest of “First one to seven runs.”

Ozzie Albies – 1-for-4 and his 31st homer. That ball would’ve went over the Albies Square Mall.

Kyle Wright – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 7.71. Wanna feel old? Kyle Wright was last year’s Touki Toussaint!

Bryan Woo – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.90 vs. JP Sears – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.52. This matchups of Woo/Sears was billed as, “A housewife sitting on a washing machine.”

Jake Rogers – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer, and three homers in two games. Hot schmotato alert? Yes. Also, someone drafted Jake Rogers around pick 750th overall and they’re doing better than my Alejandro Kirk pick.

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 27th and 28th homer. More like J.D.D. for Just Double Dong.

Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.92. Sucks to have to rely on Lynn, but imagine how the Dodgers feel.

Miguel Rojas – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Could be a light schmotato, but he’s also one of the worst hitters in the majors, so it would mean having someone worse than Rojas to drop for him, which seems unlikely.

Nolan Jones – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .281. Realized that the Rockies allow one rookie to play every ten years and become good. The only catch is their name must be Nolan. Why will be the question I try to get to the bottom of on this true crime podcast.

Luis Campusano – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in four games, hitting .307. Ya know you have a sickness when you’re thinking about how good a guy will be a 2nd catcher draft pick next year, but I have a sickness!

Mike Clevinger – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.42. White Sox were lined up with such a cushy September schedule. If only they didn’t suck from April through August.

Luis Robert Jr. – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 36th homer, hitting .261. Funny how even this late in the year things could look markedly different for next year. A Lou Bob hitting 36 homers and .250 sounds so different than 40 homers and .275.

Salvador Perez – Hit the 7-day concussion list. He might just be done for the year, due to the timing, but knowing Perez, he’ll be back. If nothing else, Perez takes some dings and keeping on belling. By the way, I’m reminded of the people who were talking about Perez being a HOFer in 2021, because he was having a huge year. I mean, who knows, maybe he comes on with more huge years, but Perez is not a HOFer as he currently sits.

Brady Singer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.52. How about that Brady Singer preseason sleeper!? *dodges tomato* Was it something I said?

Nelson Velazquez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 14th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Not to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but Velazquez has that many homers in less than 130 ABs.

James McArthur – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 6.48, and his 1st save. Seems kinda unfair. I’m sure the last person Kwan wanted to see coming out the bullpen was McArthur.

Gabriel Arias – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Just dropped him before this game because I thought the schmotato had extinguished itself (the same way Mr. Belvedere injured himself — google it, you’ll be glad you did).

Tanner Bibee – Hit the IL with hip inflammation. Ah, a good old fashioned made-up injury. I like how teams place players on the IL with fake injuries, but don’t send them for surgery for real ones, like torn UCLs. Or, ya know, whatever it is Shane Bieber is trying to work his way back from.

Cal Quantrill – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.26. Imagine a Guards team that didn’t have twenty less homers than the next closet team, the Gnats, on the year. You heard that right, the Guards have only 115 homers. The Braves have 288! The Guards might’ve won the division that only took a .500 record to win. They’re still going to beat the lowest home run total by a team by a decent amount with the White Sox hitting 3 homers in 1908. I just snorted. The other lowest home run total was the Pirates in 1917 with 9. Their star right fielder, Lacey O’Tynedaly struck one ball 600 feet, legend has it, to just clear the center field fences that were at 590 feet from home, to lead the club with one homer. Oh, and Streamonator for Quantrill or anyone.