Yesterday, Daniel Norris went 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.81. Deserved better than a no decision, but he’s 23 years old, making $500,000, so who cares what he deserves? I deserve equal pay for cracking jokes about fantasy baseball for six months! *marching with a picket sign* Sign reads: BLOGGER = Better Living-wage Or Gainful Gifts, Earnings, Reimbursements *pull back to reveal I’m marching in my underwear with my dog humping my leg* Stop, Ted! I’m trying to make a point! So, Norris looked terrific, but he’s had a vexing season. Vexing, I tell ya! He was put in middle relief after a back problem that sidelined in the spring, then he returned and was almost immediately sidelined with an oblique problem. Why do we care? Well, I wrote a sleeper post about him last year, saying, “He’s a sleeper, because he’ll likely be drafted late since he appears to be a year away, and, sadly, he might not just appear to be a year away, but he might actually be a year away, though he might appear to be a year away and not be a year away. I’m the Grand Champion of putting “year away” in one sentence, by the way. Norris is a pure upside play. He could be a 4+ ERA guy that bounces between the rotation, the bullpen and the minors or a 2.75 ERA guy with truckloads of Ks.” And that’s me quoting me! I quote that, because I was exactly right (I couldn’t have been wrong since I hedged more than Sonic) and for 2017 I’m going to like Norris for the exact same reasons while being a year closer. Dot dot dot. To getting a living wage! I’m Norma Rae! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Justin Upton – Day-to-day with a left calf strain. Who sells their soul, let alone their calf, for three random decent weeks in a season?
Nick Castellanos – Took batting practice. He said he hopes to return in about a week. I.e., Castellsemana.
Ian Kinsler – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .279. You know offense is back in a big way when Kinsler hits 26 homers and it’s like whatevs. Our Commissioner Manfred is sticking Capri Sun straws in baseballs and juicing them.
Miguel Sano – Left yesterday’s game with a tight lower back. That’s more painful, but less embarrassing than leaving with a tight lower front.
Brian Dozier – 1-for-4 and his 40th homer. Insane. That’s right, I brought out the douchey one word sentence just for Dozier. Deal with it!
Joey Wendle – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs, hitting near-.350 in the last week and batting leadoff now. Hey, Mr. Wendle, he’s no bum!
Khris Davis – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 36th homer, hitting .246. Seemed to reach critical mass yesterday that people wanted to drop Davis, so, of course, he homered. You did it to yourself.
Stephen Vogt – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and had two hits in his previous game. Could be a light schmotato, or could be a guy that capitalized on one of the worst pitchers in the majors (Gee, you think?), as the rest of the A’s did.
Josh Harrison – Done for the season with his groin. I mean, even if he were to still playing, he’d be with his groin. I’d hope so, at least.
Gerrit Cole – 2 IP, 5 ER as he was activated from the DL. Yeah, he looks healthy. Is this sarcasm font showing up on all browsers?
Roman Quinn – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st steal as he hit 2nd. He’s a new spark on the top of the Phillies’ lineup. I will call him Roman Candle. In the minors, he had a 9.2 on the Speed Scale. To give you an idea, Billy Hamilton had a 8.3 this year, which was the highest in the majors for qualified hitters. (Non-qualified: Raul Mondesi 9.1; Trea Turner 8.9; Jarrod Dyson 8.7.) So, if you desire SAGNOF, grab Quinn immediately.
Freddy Galvis – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Jeremy Hellickson – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, 3.76. For what it’s Werth, I’ve owned Hellickson in a 12 team league for about two months. It’s fair to point out that my team ERA isn’t that great in that league and I lost deGrom, but let’s not dwell on the negative, hmm?
Steven Matz – Will throw a bullpen session today, but there’s no timetable for his return. I have a timetable for him: tries to throw in the playoffs, gets hit hard, shuts it down, has surgery on his elbow this offseason, is announced to be ready for Spring Training, misses his timetable but not this timetable and doesn’t come back until May. Give or take a few days.
Jacob deGrom – Threw 35 pitches in a bullpen session. Sounds like he should be good to go for a relief appearance on September 21st. Again, give or take a few days.
Joe Ross – Could start this weekend. I wonder if JB and I talk at all about this on the podcast coming later today. What’s your best guess? You’re smart, but we didn’t. Fooled ya! (I’m guessing JB hadn’t yet heard the Ross news.)
Mat Latos – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, but left with a leg injury. Before he left, Latos pitchslapped Rafael Montero (1 2/3 IP, 6 ER). Last time Latos hit anything that hard, it was a branch on the ugly tree.
Anthony Rendon -1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .275. You know the girl you dated for three years that you’re now friends with? Everything’s totally pleasant, and you’re going to her wedding. You know what you’re doing? You’re adulting. That’s Rendon. He’s adulting.
Trea Turner – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 24th steal, hitting .345. Damn, doode’s like a young F5. Every day stuffing the fantasy stat line. Why don’t I own him?! Throw me a bone, Treat Urner!
Dansby Swanson – Left the game after an errant throw from Flowers hit Dansby in his snozzberries. He’s day-to-day with jockular sphincteritis. Shame, Flowers are supposed to lead to good outcomes, not getting testes’d.
Andrew Cashner – 2 IP, 7 ER vs. Mike Foltynewicz – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER. “Okay, I’m gonna cross streams with Faulty-whateverwitz and Cashner. What’s the worst that can happen?!” Twenty minutes later, “MOM!!! I NEED CUDDLES!!!”
Ichiro Suzuki – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .301. I nearly picked him up for yesterday’s game because I sorted by the hottest hitters of the last week, and there was Ichiro. I even double-checked to make sure I wasn’t standing in a time capsule that was sealed ten years ago.
Fernando Rodney – 0 IP, 3 ER. It was a non-save situation, but this won’t go a long way to getting him back into the 9th. You want respect, Rodney, you have to earn it.
Nick Markakis – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Sparkakis!
Didi Gregorius – Out of the lineup with what Joe Girardi described as “really beat up.” Beat up doesn’t work for The Gregorius D.I.D. Dropping a beat down would.
Jose De Leon – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Was a tough matchup in Yankee Stadium. I mean, the team he was facing is nothing great, but I have to think a rookie pitcher going into The House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built has to get in a youngster’s head. I’m an oldster using words like youngster!
Yasiel Puig – 1-for-1 and a pinch hit homer (his 10th). For full disclosure purposes — or porpoises if the dolphins have taken over the earth by the time you read this — I dropped Puig in one league, because he’s just not playing vs. righties.
Starlin Castro – 2-for-4 and his 21st homer, hitting .265. I opened up his player page expecting to see how hot he’s been. Meh, he homered one other time this week, but hot? Like a hatch chile with the seeds removed. By the way, are hatch chiles all over the country like they are here? It must be the season, because these things are in everything everywhere I go. They’re only 99 cents at Whole Paycheck. You can’t buy a 99 cent gift certificate for 99 cents in Whole Paycheck so I know these hatch chiles most be in abundance. These hatch chiles come here, and they take other peppers’ jobs in recipes, and some, I assume, might be good.
Aaron Judge – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .181. You could’ve been Gary Sanchez, instead you’re Jonathan Singleton.
Keyvius Sampson – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.41. Stream-o-Nator was crazy about him for this game, and will likely be again, because he has good stuff, but he was throwing middle relief earlier this month, and likely won’t be able to go very deep.
Evan Gattis – 1-for-4 and his 26th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Like Marty Feldman’s eye, Gattis went sideways, but now is starting to float up again.
Rougned Odor – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 31st homer, hitting .282. If Correa were having this Odor season, you’d not only be happy you drafted him in the 1st round, but would draft him in the same spot again next year.
Shelby Miller – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.12. That wasn’t enough. No! He had to bring down Tyler Anderson too — 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Escuchame, Shelby Miller, you disgust me, you puta! Sorry, watching new season of Narcos and I’m kinda jacked up.
Yasmany Tomas – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 29th homer. Having just your run-of-the-mill 30-homer, .270 season. You know, what you wished all of your outfielders would give you who you drafted after the third round.
Brandon Drury – 4-for-5, 3 runs, and his 12th homer, hitting around .400 in the last week, and hit 2nd yesterday. Anyone that owned Drury during that one hot stretch earlier this year knows, owning Drury means owning a hot hitter that makes you sound drunk when you say his name.
Carlos Gonzalez – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .303. As the Rockies and Diamondbacks attempted to even up Chase Field with Coors on ESPN’s Park Factors page.
Jeff Samardzija – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.07. This start came against the Padres as Samardzija disapproved the notion that he’s safe in certain matchups.
Leonys Martin – 4-for-4, 3 runs, hitting .250, hitting near-.350 in the last week. My favorite Martin!
Dan Vogelbach – Called up from Triple-A. Vogelbach was acquired in the midseason trade for Mike Montgomery. Vogelbach you might remember from such overheard phrases as, “Is that Kyle Schwarber?” and “He looks like he could eat.” He won’t likely get enough playing time to make a difference in most mixed leagues.
Andrew Benintendi – Could return on Wednesday. John Farrell said Benintendi will be available for as many as 18 games. Hey, John Farrell can read an MLB schedule!
Krispie Young – 4-for-4, 3 runs and his 9th homer. I grabbed him for the batty call, was all set to start him, but for some reason I saw Brock Holt in the Sawx lineup and dropped Krispie for Cesar Hernandez. Fantasy Baseball Overlord, you don’t want me to win, do you?
Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Okay, Hanley, I get it, I was wrong to say to sell you. Why not make your point for the first four months of the season before I say something?
David Ortiz – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 33rd homer, hitting .318. I’m not saying he did, but, if Ortiz took PEDs at any point in his career, is it unlikely that he’d bother to take PEDs the final month of his career? Or even more likely because no one’s testing a guy about to retire?
David Price – 8 IP, 2 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.81. The hypnotherapist that had Price believing April was October and that now we’re in April has worked like a charm.
Chris Davis – 1-for-3 and his– What? How many homers does he have? No one’s happy with him. Gotta be bad, right? Well, you tell me, he has 37 homers.
Manny Machado – 1-for-4 and his 35th homer, hitting .306. Media has made too much of no steals from Machado (I don’t think I’ve heard one person mention it besides me). They need to let it go! (I am the only one mentioning it. I repeat, just me.)
Jose Bautista – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .228. Weird, he homered and it was more than a solo homer? Oh! He was finally moved back to the cleanup spot! Wow! Only took three months to realize that experiment wasn’t working.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-4 and his 32nd homer, hitting .275. Also, in this game, Brad Miller went 1-for-4 with his 28th homer, hitting .249. Two Rays that have exceeded expectations like The Beastie Boys. I.e., when they dropped Fight For Your Right To Party, you thought they were a one-hit wonder.
Jake Odorizzi – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.81, vs. Francisco Liriano – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.16. This game was billed as “This should be Odorizzi” and turned into “Jesus, Rays, you can’t finish off Liriano?”
Carlos Carrasco – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 3.32. The Mets and Indians’ starters both need a seminar with Tony Robbins. Or Dr. James Andrews.
Avisail Garcia – 4-for-5, 3 runs and his 11th homer, hitting near-.375 in the last week. I’ll excuse you if you don’t want to pick up this schmohawk, but I wouldn’t either. We have our dignity! Which doesn’t run counter to playing fantasy baseball. Don’t be smart.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and hitting near-.400 in the last week. What’s Adam Eaton? A hot schmotato!
Kyle Hendricks – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners (1 Hit), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.03, with his no-hitter broken up in the 9th inning. “Hello, is this Domino’s? Yes, when you bring the Meat Lover’s, could you also bring me some extra superlatives for Hendricks? You’re already downstairs? Um, can you leave the pizza at the front door and go back to the store real quick?”
Dexter Fowler – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Also, in this game, Ben Zobrist went 2-for-4 with his 15th homer. Because the Cubs’ hopes aren’t high enough they will now have every hitter doing well in September (except, of course, Heyward).
Seung Hwan Oh – Dealing with groin soreness. My 13-year-old self just appeared next to me. Whaddup, 13-year-old Self! “Chillin’ yo, just wanted you to know you are telling grown men about other grown men’s groins. You whack, son! A’ight, peace.” I grabbed Kevin Siegrist for potential saves.
Michael Wacha – Threw a 26-pitch bullpen session. I guarantee you he was supposed to throw 25 pitches and someone lost count. “Is that 25?” Man with the counter, “Um…Well…I have to go to the bathroom!”
