Not sure how many of you saw it yesterday, but Terry Collins got heated in a press conference when the Mets’ PR guy wanted him to tell the media more about Syndergaard. Finally, Collins called him a puppy dog and stormed out. Now, in a move that will be sure to make even the best PR person sweat, the Mets are in final talks to reunite with Jose Reyes. The news picked up steam when management asked that the players’ wives not travel with the team. Also, Wilmer Flores better not cry if Reyes joins the team. Reyes smells the slightest weakness and he becomes a slap hitter (of recent vs. of old). So, what can we expect of Reyes if he does land on the Mets, or any team, because he will sign somewhere. Last year, in 116 games, he had 7 homers, 24 steals and a .274 average. Honestly, that’s not that bad. He can’t stay healthy, but maybe starting in July will help with that. Figure he can play 80 games, which should put him in the area of a 7-10 HRs, 17-25 SBs and a .270 average. Not terrible if you’re struggling at shortstop or MI. Maybe the Mets will say eff it and also hire Doc Gooden to cut the foul lines. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Noah Syndergaard – Cleared to start on Monday vs. the Nats. Take that, you puppy dog!
Yoenis Cespedes – Didn’t start yesterday due to his mild wrist strain, but he received a cortisone shot and should be okay. Is that good enough for you, puppy dog?!
Matt Harvey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.64. I got strong feels for the poor sap that drafted Chris Archer and Harvey. I wonder if he was a 1 Bartolo-sized Altuve guy or a 10 Altuve-sized Bartolo guy. Because what the Twitter poll proved is there are two distinct camps at Razzball. Seriously, how does that shizz come out exactly at 50%?! Are you people messing with me?
Adonis Garcia – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s done un gotz recently, but, if you like to monocle players, I could see strapping one on. A monocle, for chrissakes.
Starling Marte – Out again with his foot ailment, but he pinch hit yesterday. (Pinched hit? Pinch hat? Pinched hat?) So, your oddly-shaped prayers seemed to have worked.
Jon Niese – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.93. He was perfect through the first six batters and I was like, “Great, now I have to write a lede about Niese, but how many nose jokes can I make?” But then the Giants exploded for four runs in the 3rd inning and Niese eventually got the hook, which is what people say when his profile is blocking them.
Mac Williamson – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He would’ve made a nice batty call, which he would appreciate since he sounds like a blaxploitation star. “Mac Williamson, hang up your full-length fur coat!” That’s Mac Williamson’s woman giving him a hard time when he gets home from hustling.
Nick Tepesch – Called up to start tonight. It’s no coincidence that his last name translates from Hebrew into “to pass over.”
Jett Bandy – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Jett Bandy? Is he a baseball player or the manager for The Monkees? Jett Bandy does have above average power, but is behind Carlos Perez on the depth charts. Plus, Jett Bandy!
Tim Lincecum – 3 IP, 4 ER. Like Altuve, that was short-lived.
Marcus Semien – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Lincecum giving up a shot to Semien is like the pot calling the kettle black.
Khris Davis – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer. Been miserably cold in June (3 HRs, hitting around .225), so hopefully this is the start of something.
Arismendy Alcantara – 1-for-4 and a caught stealing as he played 2nd base. It feels like just yesterday I had a Delaware-sized boner for Arismendy. Now it’s the size of Rhode Island and mother-effin’ Curt Schilling’s bankrupting it. Stop bankrupting my boner, Curt Schilling! I would keep a monocled eye on Alcantara just in case he starts hitting.
Ryan Madson – 1 IP, 0 ER, but pitched the 8th while Sean Doolittle went in the 9th and gave up 2 ER. Madson pitched against the heart of the lineup, so it was for matchups. You gotta love a team with a 30-42 record playing matchups. Unless of course you own their closer!
Tommy Joseph – Missed yesterday’s game with a cold. He needs some of that Andres Blanco chicken soup!
Ryan Howard – 2-for-5 and his 11th homer. Do you know what he’s batting? Oh, no, much lower. Lower still. .008? No, c’mon, that’s not even a guess. He’s batting .150! He has 27 hits on the year. He’s making $25 million! His OBP is .204! That’s in 59 games/180 at-bats too. It’s not like he’s a strictly bench option. Oh, and Howard only has three less RBIs than Freddie Freeman.
Cesar Hernandez – 4-for-4, 3 runs. Fun fact! Cesar’s favorite song is Roam by the B-52s.
Freddy Galvis – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 7th homer. WTF?! That’s ‘What the Freddy,’ obviously.
Jerad Eickhoff – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Twins’ B lineup. Well, Nunez was out of the lineup, and…Actually, now that I think about it, that was more or less the Twins’ A lineup. My bad. Well, more the Twins’ bad.
Trevor Plouffe – Out with a right groin strain. Right? How many groins does he have?!
Krispie Young – Hit the DL with a strain of the hamstring. A hamstrain, so to speak. *puts sunglasses on an emoji*
Rick Porcello – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.93. I nearly streamed Porcello, and I’d say I’m relieved that I didn’t, but his line is nearly what I get from Chris Archer every time out. Yay, Chris Archer, you effin’ schmohawk! Or as my autocorrect likes to put it, you elfin mohawk, which Google tells me makes Chris Archer look like this.
James Shields – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 15.80 in the AL, and 6.22 overall. Figures Shields has his best game in the AL in Fenway. Figures because baseball follows the pattern of a butterfly on coke.
Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Get to 27 homers and I will never draft you again, but I also won’t speak ill of you. Like a responsible divorcee talking to his child about the piece of crap that is three months late on child support.
Alex Avila – 4-for-5 with four singles for the Juan Pierre cycle! I wonder where Juan Pierre is now. I’m guessing he bought a Burger King franchise. “No, you have to choke up on the french fry like this!”
James McCann – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Well, guess I shouldn’t have dropped McCann for Rupp. I’m like a DNP-seeking missile for catchers.
Daniel Norris – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Here’s me watching Norris. *insert clever picture that encapsulates my feeling at the time* Here’s me afterwards. *insert less clever picture, because I only have enough cleverness for one clever picture* Norris was a preseason favorite of mine, but he doesn’t look right. Wasn’t fooling anyone yesterday, and will likely be headed back to the minors, and, even if he’s not, I wouldn’t mess with him yet.
Justin Upton – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 5th steal. I mean, not crazy amazing, but you gotta love he’s trying to help your fantasy team after two months where he was actively turning a blind eye like a chancellor of a university.
Adrian Sampson – Left yesterday’s game with elbow discomfort. What began as a normal day for Sampson, stopping off at Supercuts…
Chris Iannetta – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, hitting .239. Mean’s while, I have one homer from my catcher slot all year from a random Yan Gomes pickup. Lowercase yay.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4 and two homers (17, 18). Crazy thing (not crazy), Cruz hasn’t even had one of those stretches yet where you’re saying dayum.
Leonys Martin – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. You know what he’s doing right? The March of Double Dimes. The whole way you’re thinking, “Well, Leonys is aight. Dot dot dot. Actually, he’s boring me, I wanna pick up someone else.” Then, in September, you see him with 20/20 and, you’re like, “I guess I didn’t need to pick up Daniel Hudson for that random save in June, and could’ve held Leonys.”
Jake Lamb – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Goodbaaaaah ball!
Socrates Brito – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I’d absolutely add him if I were looking for some upside. And, brucely, aren’t we all?
Zack Greinke – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.61. The game was Coors, so even the Stream-o-Nator was like, “Yo, homey, you sure you want some of this? By the way, will you be my friend?” Aw, the Stream-o-Nator is sad!
Mark Reynolds – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer. All brays to Mini Donkey!
Willson Contreras – 1-for-4 as he played 1st base. Maddon said Contreras could start seeing time in the outfield too. The Cubs can’t find him playing time? Contreras mon frere!
Jon Lester – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.10. Sung a’la LFO, “I like guys that know how to pitch, if I could have one wish, it would be to get rid of Chris…Archer.” Sorry, that song has been stuck in my head. Damn you, 90s on 9.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Here’s hoping StupiDon Mattingly doesn’t bench him again today. He’s not a platoon player, you buffoon!
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. OZUNA learn from Bonds. OZUNA wait for his pitch. OZUNA mime taking number at deli counter when entering batter’s box.
Wei-Yin Chen – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.00. Garbage, garbage, garbage, garbage times a trillion, then he faces the best team in baseball and throws a Quality Start. Sonavabench!
Derek Norris – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Facepalm. Why did I drop Derek Norris again? I’m having a game of catcher musical chairs where there’s twenty empty chairs and every time I sit down the chair collapses.
Matt Kemp – 1-for-5 and his 16th homer, hitting .267. After the game, Kemp emailed video of his home run to Theo Epstein with the subject heading, “I Can Be A Bullpen Catcher.”
Adam Duvall – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .263. Tied for the league in homers. I’ll just let that wash over you.
Homer Bailey – Will begin a rehab assignment on Monday. Always interested in news on him, because I love his choices. Loved, loved, loved him in The Big Short.
Joey Votto – Missed yesterday’s game with the flu. He’d make a good airplane. Works better if you say it out loud.
