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I’ll be up front and honest from the jump. This is a post designed to do one thing, and one thing only. That’s share the pain of not getting what I wanted at the toy store between the ages of 0-8. My ultimate goal today is to make my parents feel so awful about what I was deprived of as a child. That they feel motivated to hit E-Bay and bid on some sweet, sweet nostalgia toys. You know, stuff I can play with after I put my kids to bed, around the time I usually begin binge drinking, or ignoring my wife on the couch. What I like to affectionately call “Grown man shizz”. But seriously didn’t we all have that awesome toy we desired that we never got, because our parents just wouldn’t buy them for us? My Mom was a teacher and always had this big thing about not buying toys that would kill my sister and me’s “creativity”. Whatever that means…. Let’s just say my parents set the trend for the pretentious I’m better than you parent shaming that’s so popular amongst the social media mommy bunch. You know the types, they’re the people on your news feed always sharing toy and stroller recalls, and anti-GMO posts about Kraft Mac & Cheese. Hey I get it, you want what’s best for your kids, but you’re nuts if you think at 18 they won’t be crushing EasyMac at 3am on a dorm room couch after a night of drinking like the rest of us. It’s just the natural way of things toots! Any the who, here we are week 22 or da deuce deuce as I likes to calls it. 22 weeks of two start pitching and we’re still here looking to get you into the playoffs or the next round if you so choose. So without further ado let’s whine about toys I didn’t get and discuss two start pitchers for week 22.

 

Teddy Ruxpin (Aces) – So as the story goes my parents actually bought this thing for me for Christmas 1988. On Christmas Eve night my lovely mother read a story in the Boston Globe about how these toys killed children’s creativity and she decided to drive back to the toy store to return the sucker. So there I was the only kid in my upper-middle class neighborhood without a talking bear that took a cassette tape in it’s back. So began my life as an outcast, thanks Mom! Oh BTW, these guys are aces start them damn it.

Player Opponents Opp 1 wOBA vs LH/RHP Opp 2 wOBA vs LH/RHP Opp 1 K%vs LH/RHP Opp 2 K% vs LH/RHP
Madison Bumgarner @LAD, @ COL .331 (4th) .289 (28th) 20.7% (19th) 23.4% (4th)
Zack Greinke vs. SF, @SD .321 (6th) .298 (26th) 18.5% (26th) 21.7% (4th)
Chris Sale @MIN, @KC .313 (13th) .308 (17th) 20.1% (21st) 14.8% (30th)
David Price vs. CLE, vs. BAL .312 (14th) .309 (16th) 18.8% (25th) 21.6% (11th)
Felix Hernandez @HOU, @OAK .316 (12th) .306 (20th) 24% (1st) 18% (27th)

 

My Pet Monster (Good Starts) – Do you know how badly I wanted a pet monster with interchangeable breakaway handcuffs? Pretty sure my father labeled it dumb and therefore it was sworn off by the king and would never be permitted in his kingdom…… Cueto and Archer are in this tier due to matchups. They’re sort of in that space between ace and really great starter. Cueto has a good start and a tough start. While Archer faces two of the tougher lineups in baseball. I wouldn’t sit either (ever) but I could see a bad start…. Am I loco for liking the two starts from Corbin? Colorado is awful against lefties and the Cubs struggle against the southpaws as well. They also strikeout a ton against the devil’s handed hurlers wiffing 23%+ of the time. Roll him for both and then harass me here and on Twitter if he stinks… Colby Lewis and Bartolo Colon are two chaps with top notch matchups. In fact on paper Bartolo’s couldn’t be better. Problem with M.C. Flubber is I wouldn’t be shocked if he doesn’t make the second start.

Player Opponents Opp 1 wOBA vs LH/RHP Opp 2 wOBA vs LH/RHP Opp 1 K%vs LH/RHP Opp 2 K% vs LH/RHP
Johnny Cueto vs. DET, vs. CWS .322 (5th) .306 (20th) 19.8% (17th) 20.1% (15th)
Chris Archer @BAL, @NYY .319 (7th) .319 (7th) 22.4% (3rd) 19.6% (18th)
John Lackey vs. WAS, vs. PIT .314 (13th) .312 (16th) 21.5% (5th) 20.6% (11th)
Shelby Miller vs. MIA, @WAS .289 (30th) .314 (13th) 19.2% (22nd) 21.5% (5th)
Gio Gonzalez @STL, vs. ATL .299 (24th) .295 (25th) 22.7% (6th) 20.4% (20th)
Patrick Corbin @COL, @CHC .289 (28th) .303 (21st) 23.4% (4th) 25.1% (1st)
Joe Ross @STL, vs. ATL .313 (14th) .298 (26th) 19.4% (21st) 17.8% (28th)
Hector Santiago @Oak, vs. TEX .301 (23rd) .310 (15th) 16.7% (29th) 22.2% (7th)
Colby Lewis @SD, @LAA .298 (26th) .306 (20th) 21.7% (4th) 19.5% (20th)
Jimmy Nelson vs. PIT, @CIN .312 (16th) .304 (23rd) 20.6% (11th) 19.5% (19th)
Bartolo Colon vs. PHI, @MIA .297 (29th) .289 (30th) 19.9% (16th) 19.2% (22nd)

Creepy Crawlers (Why Can’t I Sit You) – These are the guys I don’t know what to do with. They’re good starters but their matchups are tough to take, or I just don’t trust them (cough cough Estrada). Verlander looks revitalized as he’s sporting a .39 ERA and 24/5 K/BB ratio in his last three starts. Maybe he finally got his swag back. I like Tyson Ross and have all year (even during the rough patches), but dates with the Dodgers and Rangers ain’t easy.

Player Opponents Opp 1 wOBA vs LH/RHP Opp 2 wOBA vs LH/RHP Opp 1 K%vs LH/RHP Opp 2 K% vs LH/RHP
Tyson Ross vs. TEX, vs. LAD .319 (7th) .325 (3rd) 19.2% (22nd) 20.4% (12th)
Justin Verlander @KC, vs. CLE .323 (4th) .313 (14th) 15.3% (30th) 19% (24th)
Marco Estrada vs. CLE, vs. BAL .313 (14th) .319 (7th) 19% (24th) 22.4% (3rd)

 

Game Boy (One Good Start/One Bad Start) – So here’s another example of my Mom putting the kibosh on an awesome toy because of her concerns over creativity. Seriously Mom did you want me to be a painter? Well look at the bed you’ve made I’m a 33 year old fantasy sports blogger….. You know the deal with these blokes, one good start and one to avoid. Every so often I get a mediocre to sub-par chap with two middle of the road matchups and we call him the double yellow. In Soccer you’d receive a red card, but here on the Two Start Pitchers post we give you a stream, a participation trophy, and a handshake…..Jake Peavy and Andrew Cashner technically have some tough matchups. I like Cashner at home against Texas, and could see a decent start against a Dodgers offense that’s struggled the past few weeks. As for Peavy he doesn’t deserve to be in the bottom tier, and he’s not good enough to be considered a “why can’t I sit you”. Ya dig?

Player Opponents Opp 1 wOBA vs LH/RHP Opp 2 wOBA vs LH/RHP Opp 1 K%vs LH/RHP Opp 2 K% vs LH/RHP
Rubby De La Rosa @COL, @CHC .334 (1st) .311 (17th) 20.4% (12th) 23.9% (2nd)
Andrew Cashner vs. TEX, @LAD .319 (7th) .325 (3rd) 19.2% (22nd) 20.4% (12th)
Kyle Hendricks vs. CIN, vs. ARI .304 (23rd) .317 (11th) 19.5% (19th) 20.9% (9th)
Brett Anderson vs. SF, @SD .314 (10th) .293 (26th) 18.8% (25th) 23.7% (2nd)
Chris Bassitt vs. LAA, vs. SEA .306 (20th) .308 (18th) 19.5% (19th) 21.5% (5th)
Ivan Nova @BOS, vs. TB .318 (10th) .298 (26th) 16.8% (29th) 21.5% (5th)
Jake Peavy @LAD, @ COL .325 (3rd) .334 (1st) 20.4% (12th) 20.4% (12th)
Jeff Locke @MIL, @STL .284 (29th) .299 (24th) 20.9% (17th) 22.7% (6th)
Mike Foltynewicz vs. MIA, @WAS .289 (30th) .314 (13th) 19.2% (22nd) 21.5% (5th)
Tyler Duffey vs. CWS, @HOU .306 (20th) .316 (12th) 20.1% (15th) 24% (1st)
Rick Porcello vs. NYY, vs. PHI .319 (9th) .297 (27th) 19.6% (18th) 19.9% (16th)

 

 

Pogo Ball (Avoid These) – I actually had one of these, and it was lame. Did I bounce on it? Sure! But a real life pogo stick would have been significantly more fun. The Pogo ball was the diet coke of pogo. Just one calorie not pogo enough. I usually don’t speak on any of the clowns in this tier but I must address Chen…. Hi Chen! How are you? Good I’m done…. Okay maybe not, but seriously I’d avoid the Wei-Yin this week, otherwise your team may end up with an MSG headache it can’t shake. Look at me making racist jokes just like The Donald!

Player Opponents Opp 1 wOBA vs LH/RHP Opp 2 wOBA vs LH/RHP Opp 1 K%vs LH/RHP Opp 2 K% vs LH/RHP
Wei-Yin Chen vs. TB, @TOR .330 (5th) .359 (1st) 21.4% (13th) 17% (28th)
Jon Gray vs. ARI, vs. SF .318 (9th) .314 (10th) 21% (16th) 18.8% (25th)
Josh Tomlin @TOR, @DET .331 (2nd) .322 (5th) 18.8% (25th) 19.8% (17th)
Jerad Eickhoff @NYM, @BOS .304 (23rd) .318 (10th) 20.4% (12th) 16.8% (29th)
Chad Bettis vs. ARI, vs. SF .317 (11th) .321 (6th) 20.9% (9th) 18.5% (26th)
David Holmberg @CHC, vs. MIL .303 (21st) .284 (29th) 25.1% (1st) 20.9% (17th)
Chris Narveson @ATL, vs. NYM .295 (25th) .305 (20th) 20.4% (20th) 23.6% (3rd)

 

 

With September 1st approaching and rosters expanding several of these handsome devils could be skipped so if any of these guys don’t double dip don’t blame me.