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I’ll be up front and honest from the jump. This is a post designed to do one thing, and one thing only. That’s share the pain of not getting what I wanted at the toy store between the ages of 0-8. My ultimate goal today is to make my parents feel so awful about what I was deprived of as a child. That they feel motivated to hit E-Bay and bid on some sweet, sweet nostalgia toys. You know, stuff I can play with after I put my kids to bed, around the time I usually begin binge drinking, or ignoring my wife on the couch. What I like to affectionately call “Grown man shizz”. But seriously didn’t we all have that awesome toy we desired that we never got, because our parents just wouldn’t buy them for us? My Mom was a teacher and always had this big thing about not buying toys that would kill my sister and me’s “creativity”. Whatever that means…. Let’s just say my parents set the trend for the pretentious I’m better than you parent shaming that’s so popular amongst the social media mommy bunch. You know the types, they’re the people on your news feed always sharing toy and stroller recalls, and anti-GMO posts about Kraft Mac & Cheese. Hey I get it, you want what’s best for your kids, but you’re nuts if you think at 18 they won’t be crushing EasyMac at 3am on a dorm room couch after a night of drinking like the rest of us. It’s just the natural way of things toots! Any the who, here we are week 22 or da deuce deuce as I likes to calls it. 22 weeks of two start pitching and we’re still here looking to get you into the playoffs or the next round if you so choose. So without further ado let’s whine about toys I didn’t get and discuss two start pitchers for week 22.

 

Teddy Ruxpin (Aces) – So as the story goes my parents actually bought this thing for me for Christmas 1988. On Christmas Eve night my lovely mother read a story in the Boston Globe about how these toys killed children’s creativity and she decided to drive back to the toy store to return the sucker. So there I was the only kid in my upper-middle class neighborhood without a talking bear that took a cassette tape in it’s back. So began my life as an outcast, thanks Mom! Oh BTW, these guys are aces start them damn it.

Player Opponents Opp 1 wOBA vs LH/RHP Opp 2 wOBA vs LH/RHP Opp 1 K%vs LH/RHP Opp 2 K% vs LH/RHP
Madison Bumgarner @LAD, @ COL .331 (4th) .289 (28th) 20.7% (19th) 23.4% (4th)
Zack Greinke vs. SF, @SD .321 (6th) .298 (26th) 18.5% (26th) 21.7% (4th)
Chris Sale @MIN, @KC .313 (13th) .308 (17th) 20.1% (21st) 14.8% (30th)
David Price vs. CLE, vs. BAL .312 (14th) .309 (16th) 18.8% (25th) 21.6% (11th)
Felix Hernandez @HOU, @OAK .316 (12th) .306 (20th) 24% (1st) 18% (27th)

 

My Pet Monster (Good Starts) – Do you know how badly I wanted a pet monster with interchangeable breakaway handcuffs? Pretty sure my father labeled it dumb and therefore it was sworn off by the king and would never be permitted in his kingdom…… Cueto and Archer are in this tier due to matchups. They’re sort of in that space between ace and really great starter. Cueto has a good start and a tough start. While Archer faces two of the tougher lineups in baseball. I wouldn’t sit either (ever) but I could see a bad start…. Am I loco for liking the two starts from Corbin? Colorado is awful against lefties and the Cubs struggle against the southpaws as well. They also strikeout a ton against the devil’s handed hurlers wiffing 23%+ of the time. Roll him for both and then harass me here and on Twitter if he stinks… Colby Lewis and Bartolo Colon are two chaps with top notch matchups. In fact on paper Bartolo’s couldn’t be better. Problem with M.C. Flubber is I wouldn’t be shocked if he doesn’t make the second start.

Player Opponents Opp 1 wOBA vs LH/RHP Opp 2 wOBA vs LH/RHP Opp 1 K%vs LH/RHP Opp 2 K% vs LH/RHP
Johnny Cueto vs. DET, vs. CWS .322 (5th) .306 (20th) 19.8% (17th) 20.1% (15th)
Chris Archer @BAL, @NYY .319 (7th) .319 (7th) 22.4% (3rd) 19.6% (18th)
John Lackey vs. WAS, vs. PIT .314 (13th) .312 (16th) 21.5% (5th) 20.6% (11th)
Shelby Miller vs. MIA, @WAS .289 (30th) .314 (13th) 19.2% (22nd) 21.5% (5th)
Gio Gonzalez @STL, vs. ATL .299 (24th) .295 (25th) 22.7% (6th) 20.4% (20th)
Patrick Corbin @COL, @CHC .289 (28th) .303 (21st) 23.4% (4th) 25.1% (1st)
Joe Ross @STL, vs. ATL .313 (14th) .298 (26th) 19.4% (21st) 17.8% (28th)
Hector Santiago @Oak, vs. TEX .301 (23rd) .310 (15th) 16.7% (29th) 22.2% (7th)
Colby Lewis @SD, @LAA .298 (26th) .306 (20th) 21.7% (4th) 19.5% (20th)
Jimmy Nelson vs. PIT, @CIN .312 (16th) .304 (23rd) 20.6% (11th) 19.5% (19th)
Bartolo Colon vs. PHI, @MIA .297 (29th) .289 (30th) 19.9% (16th) 19.2% (22nd)

Creepy Crawlers (Why Can’t I Sit You) – These are the guys I don’t know what to do with. They’re good starters but their matchups are tough to take, or I just don’t trust them (cough cough Estrada). Verlander looks revitalized as he’s sporting a .39 ERA and 24/5 K/BB ratio in his last three starts. Maybe he finally got his swag back. I like Tyson Ross and have all year (even during the rough patches), but dates with the Dodgers and Rangers ain’t easy.

Player Opponents Opp 1 wOBA vs LH/RHP Opp 2 wOBA vs LH/RHP Opp 1 K%vs LH/RHP Opp 2 K% vs LH/RHP
Tyson Ross vs. TEX, vs. LAD .319 (7th) .325 (3rd) 19.2% (22nd) 20.4% (12th)
Justin Verlander @KC, vs. CLE .323 (4th) .313 (14th) 15.3% (30th) 19% (24th)
Marco Estrada vs. CLE, vs. BAL .313 (14th) .319 (7th) 19% (24th) 22.4% (3rd)

 

Game Boy (One Good Start/One Bad Start) – So here’s another example of my Mom putting the kibosh on an awesome toy because of her concerns over creativity. Seriously Mom did you want me to be a painter? Well look at the bed you’ve made I’m a 33 year old fantasy sports blogger….. You know the deal with these blokes, one good start and one to avoid. Every so often I get a mediocre to sub-par chap with two middle of the road matchups and we call him the double yellow. In Soccer you’d receive a red card, but here on the Two Start Pitchers post we give you a stream, a participation trophy, and a handshake…..Jake Peavy and Andrew Cashner technically have some tough matchups. I like Cashner at home against Texas, and could see a decent start against a Dodgers offense that’s struggled the past few weeks. As for Peavy he doesn’t deserve to be in the bottom tier, and he’s not good enough to be considered a “why can’t I sit you”. Ya dig?

Player Opponents Opp 1 wOBA vs LH/RHP Opp 2 wOBA vs LH/RHP Opp 1 K%vs LH/RHP Opp 2 K% vs LH/RHP
Rubby De La Rosa @COL, @CHC .334 (1st) .311 (17th) 20.4% (12th) 23.9% (2nd)
Andrew Cashner vs. TEX, @LAD .319 (7th) .325 (3rd) 19.2% (22nd) 20.4% (12th)
Kyle Hendricks vs. CIN, vs. ARI .304 (23rd) .317 (11th) 19.5% (19th) 20.9% (9th)
Brett Anderson vs. SF, @SD .314 (10th) .293 (26th) 18.8% (25th) 23.7% (2nd)
Chris Bassitt vs. LAA, vs. SEA .306 (20th) .308 (18th) 19.5% (19th) 21.5% (5th)
Ivan Nova @BOS, vs. TB .318 (10th) .298 (26th) 16.8% (29th) 21.5% (5th)
Jake Peavy @LAD, @ COL .325 (3rd) .334 (1st) 20.4% (12th) 20.4% (12th)
Jeff Locke @MIL, @STL .284 (29th) .299 (24th) 20.9% (17th) 22.7% (6th)
Mike Foltynewicz vs. MIA, @WAS .289 (30th) .314 (13th) 19.2% (22nd) 21.5% (5th)
Tyler Duffey vs. CWS, @HOU .306 (20th) .316 (12th) 20.1% (15th) 24% (1st)
Rick Porcello vs. NYY, vs. PHI .319 (9th) .297 (27th) 19.6% (18th) 19.9% (16th)

 

 

Pogo Ball (Avoid These) – I actually had one of these, and it was lame. Did I bounce on it? Sure! But a real life pogo stick would have been significantly more fun. The Pogo ball was the diet coke of pogo. Just one calorie not pogo enough. I usually don’t speak on any of the clowns in this tier but I must address Chen…. Hi Chen! How are you? Good I’m done…. Okay maybe not, but seriously I’d avoid the Wei-Yin this week, otherwise your team may end up with an MSG headache it can’t shake. Look at me making racist jokes just like The Donald!

Player Opponents Opp 1 wOBA vs LH/RHP Opp 2 wOBA vs LH/RHP Opp 1 K%vs LH/RHP Opp 2 K% vs LH/RHP
Wei-Yin Chen vs. TB, @TOR .330 (5th) .359 (1st) 21.4% (13th) 17% (28th)
Jon Gray vs. ARI, vs. SF .318 (9th) .314 (10th) 21% (16th) 18.8% (25th)
Josh Tomlin @TOR, @DET .331 (2nd) .322 (5th) 18.8% (25th) 19.8% (17th)
Jerad Eickhoff @NYM, @BOS .304 (23rd) .318 (10th) 20.4% (12th) 16.8% (29th)
Chad Bettis vs. ARI, vs. SF .317 (11th) .321 (6th) 20.9% (9th) 18.5% (26th)
David Holmberg @CHC, vs. MIL .303 (21st) .284 (29th) 25.1% (1st) 20.9% (17th)
Chris Narveson @ATL, vs. NYM .295 (25th) .305 (20th) 20.4% (20th) 23.6% (3rd)

 

 

With September 1st approaching and rosters expanding several of these handsome devils could be skipped so if any of these guys don’t double dip don’t blame me. 

 
  1. Noam says:
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    With Salazar getting scratched his week, he’ll be a two start pitcher. What do you think of him? Start him over McHugh, Medlen, or Hammel?

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Noam: Yea I’d take Salzar over any of them. Don’t be so sure he’s two start though. With roster expansions he seems like the perfect candidate for the late week skip.

  2. J-FOH

    J-FOH says:
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    Gameboy. I still have the original and it still works. Pukey green screen and all

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @J-FOH: They don’t make them like they used to!

      • J-FOH says:
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        @Ralph Lifshitz: I still have Tetris, Wrestlemania and Tecmo Baseball

        • Ralph Lifshitz

          Ralph Lifshitz says:
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          @J-FOH: Tecmo Baseball. I don’t remember at all. I remember crushing RBI but that was on the console

          • Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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            @Ralph Lifshitz: these things will work forever, as to the NES i’ve heard tales of people coming home from vacation only to find their house flooded, with the NES floating in it. But later it works just fine. still have the first 4 nintendo systems, and they all work just fine. you want a sicko challenge check out the hacked (from reviews it seems to be the first major hack, and possibly hardest) Super Metroid Redesign (cart is around 45-60 $) or just load the game for free if you have a sim player. I had to take time off of it for football/hockey prep but it’s insane hard and large. And i only even learned about it trying to go find a cheap regular Super Metroid cart (38-60 $ online).

            • Ralph Lifshitz

              Ralph Lifshitz says:
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              @Aubrey Plaza’s Pillow: Hmmm interesting. I rarely play games anymore. I don’t want anything new. I want an old school NES with RBI, Mario, Zelda, and Punchout. Haven’t really tried looking though.

              • Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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                @Ralph Lifshitz: those are findable. really super metroid redesign is a just a redo (with about 133% more to it, and harder) of old SNES game, it’s not a “new” game technology-wise. I have NES with 2/3 of those games, but i’m not selling it.

  3. PED Inc. says:
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    Which three would you roster for H2H points playoffs? None of them will likely be started unless they have two starts or just one exceptional one.
    Thanks for the write ups bud, they’ve been awesome this year. You da man!

    Quintana
    Tyson Ross
    Jimmy Nelson
    Nola
    Severino
    Jungman
    Rasiel Iglesias
    Alex Wood

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @PED Inc.: Rasiel is points league gold right now, Ross, and Nelson are doubles this week.

      I could take Quintana over Nelson but Jimmy gets the double up bump

      I love Severino and Nola but single starts that may not get as deep into games.

      • PED Inc. says:
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        @Ralph Lifshitz: I should have given more details, I’ve already locked a spot in the two week playoffs that start the week of September 14 so I don’t need to win the next two weeks. These are guys I’m looking to stash for those two playoff weeks. Pitching heavy points league and guys that would be high end streamers in most leagues aren’t very available so I’m trying to stash the best that I can.
        Thanks Ralph!

        • Ralph Lifshitz

          Ralph Lifshitz says:
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          @PED Inc.: That’s tough because I feel like you need to own Rasiel in that format. The K’s add so much. You also want guys that are going to
          Eat innings which makes me weary of Severino even if he might be the best pitcher in the bunch. He’s not going deeper than 6.

          Rasiel, Quintana, Ross final answer.

  4. Mike

    Mike says:
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    ‘member MadBalls?

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Mike: Hell yeah! MadBalls and Garbage pail kids FTw

    • Wallpaper Paterson says:
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      @Mike: yrd

      • Wallpaper Paterson says:
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        @Wallpaper Paterson: and by “yrd” I mean yes.

        Spitball Louie, Jr. was a personal fave

    • Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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      @Mike: bout to sell about 4-5 of those on ebay pretty soon.

  5. Chicken Dinner says:
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    Are the Astros rocking a 6-man rotation?

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Chicken Dinner: It looks that way

    • Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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      @Chicken Dinner: yet still can’t fit vince V in. goddamn.

  6. Oranje says:
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    Start 2 start Ross over 1 start Liriano? Also, your thought on whether there is any reason to keep Perkins on my bench or just roll with Krod and Giles ROS? Thanks.

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Oranje: Go Ross and forget Perkins

    • Beware the Shit Rope says:
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      @Oranje: be careful with those bong rips, you’re only a fish.

  7. JoeG414 says:
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    Do you like Feldman – home vs Sea. on Monday as a stream ?

    • JoeG414 says:
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      @JoeG414:
      As well as T.Duffey – home vs CWS on Tue ?

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @JoeG414: I like Duffey better I’m not nuts about Feldman.

  8. malamoney says:
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    Felix is having his first start skipped. Ugh!!!

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @malamoney: damn U Lloyd Christmas!!!

  9. Josh Freeman says:
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    Ralph,

    I’m jumping ahead here a week, but I need major help in H2H points league. Could you please rate these for the following week?

    Leake @AZ; SD
    Jungman @Mia; @ Pit
    Iglesias PITT; StL

    Any to stay away from?

    • Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Josh Freeman: Sorry, thought I had answered this question. My phone let me down.!!! I’d go Iglesias due to the high K floor, which is important in points leagues.

      Next would be Leake, though the Arizona start might be the scariest of the 6 listed.

      I’m not a Jung-Man so forgive me. But 5 of the six are useable starts.

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Josh Freeman: I’ll take Iglesias first due to the high K floor. Innings and K’s rule in points leagues.

      Then I’d take Leake’s San Diego start, though I’d consider benching him for the Arizona trip.

      I’m not a Jung-man so forgive me but I’d roll him for the Miami start.

  10. Robert says:
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    Already secured a 1st round bye in my 10 h2h league. The past month my pitching has been bad. ROS: Iglesias, McCullers, Ross, Pineda. Please rank them. I will need to drop one when Carrasco comes off the DL. Thanks

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Robert: which Ross?

      Iglesias, McCullers, Ross, and then Pineda.

      Piney scares me at the moment.

      • Robert says:
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        @Ralph Lifshitz: one more : McCullers or Matz? Can’t keep both.

        • Ralph Lifshitz

          Ralph Lifshitz says:
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          @Robert: that’s just wrong. Don’t make me choose! I’ll take Matz though.

  11. PeteRosesRevenge says:
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    Who would you throw this week Trevor Bauer, Samarajadza or Aron Nola;? I’m thinking of Nola but he has the Mets this week and they have been feasting on the Phillies pitching lately

  12. Ralph Lifshitz

    Ralph Lifshitz says:
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    I’d like to say Nola because he seems less risky than the other too, but the Mets don’t just kill the Phillies they actually have the best offense in the majors in the second half….. I know shocking.

    • PeteRosesRevenge says:
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      @Ralph Lifshitz:

      I agree, going with Nola… thanks

      Not so much shocking, more like I’m in denial as a phillies fan; ……..mets fans turn obnoxious when the come to town and actually have something to cheer about.

      • Ralph Lifshitz

        Ralph Lifshitz says:
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        @PeteRosesRevenge: Tri-State area types will always find something to be obnoxious about. Mets, Yankees, Giants….bagels, pizza, annnnnything.

        • PeteRosesRevenge says:
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          @Ralph Lifshitz:

          Usually the Mets fans are fun and good natured they only push so far because they know most of the time the wheels are going fall off the cart…..they are the Mets for God’s sake,….it is inevitable…but this year they are legit and the Phils, well let just say they are not so the Mets are happy as Labrador Retreivers rolling in fresh manure

  13. Josh Freeman says:
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    Cole now has 2 starts?! I need one more. Who??

    Gio @StL; ATL
    K.Hendricks home v. CIN and AZ

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Josh Freeman: I’d roll Gio

  14. Scott says:
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    Castle Greyskull playset and all the figures. I always had a bad case of collectoritis. My son on the other hand, is more eclectic. He has no urge to collect sets of toys. the frustration continues!

    • Ralph Lifshitz

      Ralph Lifshitz says:
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      @Scott: I actually had the GreySkull castle. Thing was so bad ass. Think it’s still in my parents basement.

      • Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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        @Ralph Lifshitz: sold for around $70 on ebay by me maybe 6 years ago. it was cool. also skeletor’s place, and the smaller Hordak (She Ra enemy) lair too.

  15. Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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    WTF kind of father doesn’t let his kid get an affordable toy since he thinks it’s stupid. adults think all kids toys are mostly stupid, doesn’t usually stop them from getting them for their kids. Pretty sure my father thought all my stuff was stupid and would rather i played sports all day, but it didn’t happen (except when i kicked his ass in ping pong by about age 16 or so). I also didn’t have that monster with the handcuffs, but i don’t remember why. I know many of my friends had them so i must not have been that much into it.

      • Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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        @Ralph Lifshitz: but really, you can’t rank a game boy lower than most of that stuff, at least by the time you’re like 10-12. i got lucky on game boy, my sister just found one laying on the ground at our busstop, and it had metroid 2 in it! score. it’s batteries were mostly dead (maybe why some idiot kid left it on the ground?), but that’s a small quibble.

        • PeteRosesRevenge says:
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          @Aubrey Plaza’s Pillow:

          You found a gameboy at your own bus stop ? Just wondering did you try to return it? It would not seem tol hard to do.

          • Ralph Lifshitz

            Ralph Lifshitz says:
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            @PeteRosesRevenge: Some needs to take APP to the people’s court!

            • PeteRosesRevenge says:
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              @Ralph Lifshitz:

              LOL either there or Judge Judy, …….I think Judge Joe Brown is in the pokey now… this is Doug Lewellen Reporting

              • Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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                @PeteRosesRevenge: my sister found it, and it was laying on the ground. i have found a DS lite or DSI and sold it on craigslist for like 110$ at a bus stop as an adult. got pretty good lifetime luck with nintendo handheld devices apparently.

                • Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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                  @Aubrey Plaza’s Pillow: sorry, that might seem confusing, i FOUND it at a bus stop, sold it to a mother of multiple kids for her 10 year old at a mall right before christmas. She got a deal, as those things listed for like $150 or so at the time, and it seemed brand new.

    • Aubrey Plaza's Pillow says:
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      @PeteRosesRevenge: link didn’t work, but i’m pretty sure i remember those, there were soccer and other sports versions too if i’m right.

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