Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone.
Baseball, the schedule they made put an end to you.
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song,
All I was wearing was a thong.
I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain. I’ve seen sunny days when I thought the season would not end.
I’ve seen lonely times for Matt Williams, I mean, he’s a dope, but he can’t even find a friend from his own coaches.
But I always thought that I’d see Giancarlo again.
I believe they call that a prelude, but since it comes the day after the fantasy baseball season wraps up, it’s not a prelude. It’s an epitaph. Here, take a tissue. You have to excuse me, I don’t have any clean ones. What will we do for the next few months without an update on Ryan Zimmerman’s oblique? Will Pablo Sandoval’s back hurt even if we don’t talk about it? What will we do without a Hanley injury update? WHAT? WILL? WE? DO? Prepare for next season, of course. But, first, let’s bask in the last day of the season. Today is the day when you realize you’ve spent 27,000 man hours this summer beating eleven other strangers to win a virtual trophy, and it feels great! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Max Scherzer – 9 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners, 17 Ks. I said last week that some random pitcher (I said Tyson Ross) would pitch a no hitter on the last weekend of the season (I actually said the last day) because every year some pitcher does it (not entirely true, but facts are boring). This leaves Scherzer’s season line at 14-12/2.79/0.92/276 in 228 2/3 IP. In the next few weeks, I’ll be recapping each position, pitchers included, but I’ll say this for Scherzer, he just had the best year of his career peripheral-wise, only lacking in wins. Now, to take the sting away from the season ending, I’m going to pick up and drop my middle infielder. Ya know, old times’ sake.
Tanner Roark – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. His 2016 sleeper posts across all fantasy baseball sites just went from 17 total to 23. Only five of those will carry some variation of “Get this tattooed on you, Mr. Roark will make your fantasies come true.” Three of which will be written here.
Matt Harvey – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks on Saturday, finishing the year with a 2.71 ERA. I’m Cust kayin’ here, but I prolly would’ve held Harvey out of a meaningless regular season game the final weekend and let him pitch more in the playoffs. But, what do I know, I’m just a caveman lawyer.
Noah Syndergaard – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.24. The Mets top four starters are sexy-on-the-hump action, no foolsies. The one I’m most excited about? Syndergaard. Next year, Harvey and deGrom are going to be expensive, Matz feels a bit risky, but Syndergaard feels just right. Suddenly, I sound like a fantasy Goldilocks.
Miguel Cabrera – Sat out yesterday to wrap up the AL batting title with a .338 average. Jose Reyes said, “I see what Miggy did there. Next year, I’m going to go 2-for-4 in the first game of the season, then sit out the next 161 games.”
Daniel Norris – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks. In two of his last three starts of the year, he only allowed one hit combined. Yes, he allowed only one hit in two combined games. Siri, remind me to write a Daniel Norris sleeper post. “Grey, reminder to rhododendron or superpose set.”
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3, 1 run. When I go over the recap of the top 20 3rd basemen in the next week or so, I’ll throw plenty of compliment roses at my feet, but, c’mon, did I call Arenado like a mothereffin’ baller or what?
Mikie Mahtook – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Also in this game, Joey Butler (3-for-4, 6 RBIs) hit two homers, 8th and 9th. You in March, “I can’t believe I got Tulo in the 3rd round!” You in October, “Did I just lose to someone streaming Joey Butler and Mikie Mahtook?”
Yordano Ventura – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA ends at 4.08. I don’t know yet where I stand on Ventura for next year, but if I had to Gladwell blink him, I’d say I’m not going to be owning him next year. Unless I get in a league with a Fights Picked category.
Shelby Miller – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA ends at 3.02 and his record goes to 6-17, which is also Dikembe Mutombo’s height. This was his first win since May 17th. That’s the kind of factoid that makes you Google it yourself to see if it’s really true. I mean, he hadn’t been great recently, but no wins in four and a half months is absurd.
Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, finishing the year with a 1.66 ERA. There were some that questioned whether Mattingly should’ve thrown Greinke so many innings (and 108 pitches) in a meaningless game in October, but Mattingly had his reasons. “I wanted to give Greinke a chance to win a playoff rotation spot, because Jimmy Rollins has been working on his change.”
Corey Seager – 3-for-3 and his 4th homer as it was announced he would be the starting shortstop in the playoffs. Here’s my question, why did they even bother getting Rollins this past offseason? S’s and g’s? Okay, you’re like, “Fair enough, you handsome SOB, they didn’t need Rollins, but they learned their lesson and are starting Seager.” Yeah, that’s true, but only after they went out and made the same mistake by getting Utley!
Joc Pederson – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. Next year, Pederson will finish as a top 20 player or a .210 hitter with power that you want to drop? I’m not sure if there’s any in-between.
J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA ends at 1.85 after his trade to the NL. He made every other NL team look *pinkie to mouth* Happ-less.
Corey Kluber – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA ends at 3.49. They (you know who they are) always say stuff like, “Great way for him to go into the offseason, with a solid start.” Do players not remember the awful starts they have for months? By this logic, baseball players have the memories of dogs. This might explain why for most of the year Kluber crapped on all that you held precious.
Danny Salazar – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA ends at 3.45. Somehow, his ERA ends almost identical to Kluber, but Salazar seemed like a solid pitcher this year, while Kluber seemed iffy at best. See what expectations can do to perception? That’s why you should never date a porn star. Well, that and STDs.
Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-3, 1 run, as he comes in 2nd in the AL for batting average with .320. Bogaerts was more valuable in average than Miggy, who he lost to, because he had almost 200 more at-bats. For Bogaerts, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.
David Buchanan – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA ends at 6.99. Wikipedia lists Buchanan’s personal interests as guitar, golfing, drawing, yoga, watching movies, playing spades, and other various “outdoor activities.” Notice how the only thing resembling baseball is in quotes.
Dee Gordon – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, ending the year with a .333 average, the NL’s best. Gordon finished as the number one hitter on ESPN’s Player Rater. Occasionally, I bother talking about how our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater is better than ESPN’s. About how ESPN puts too much weight on steals. Can’t imagine stronger evidence to this than Gordon finishing first as the top hitter on ESPN’s Player Rater. He had a solid year giving a top batting average with steals, but number one? C’mon, it doesn’t take a PhD from the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston to know that’s stupid. He had a negative on homers, RBIs and was just okay with runs. Any hoo! I’ll be going over this stuff in the coming weeks.
Adam Conley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Conley has the privilege of being the guy nicknamed, “I Can’t Believe I Don’t Have A Better Pitcher For My Fantasy Team To Rely On For A Championship.”
Chris Davis – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 46th and 47th homers. He ended with 117 RBIs, the 3rd best RBI total in the major leagues. In my 2nd half rankings, I said Davis is one of the few players that could hit 20 homers in the 2nd half. In 2014 and 2013, no one hit 20 homers in the 2nd half. Davis ended up hitting 28 homers in the 2nd half. Jose Abreu hit 30 on the season. Giancarlo led the 1st half in power with 27 homers. There’s more games in the 1st half.
Robbie Ray – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA ends at 3.52. He was pulled quickly because the Diamondbacks were attempting to beat the Astros since they had money down on the Angels making the playoffs. Or maybe they were just super-jazzed to be a part of a game that mattered. I don’t know; all I know is the quick hook on Ray cost me in multiple leagues. So, thanks!
A.J. Pollock – 3-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (20) and legs (39). Now he’ll either repeat his huge breakout season next year or be a disappointment. Here’s an idea — light bulb! — hopefully, Pollock doesn’t turn the latter.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 33rd homer. Au Shizz!
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. Thanks for the parting shot, but may your hands be in two casts and your ass itch, which is “fortune cookie” for ‘I will never draft him again.’
Cole Hamels – 9 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. It’s kinda fitting that Hamels has his best start, not in a game the Rangers need to win, but in a game the Angels needed to win. Hamels seems to thrive at the displeasure of someone else.
Albert Pujols – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 40th homer. It was all for naught, since the Angels came up just a little Altuve of the playoffs.
Dan Haren – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA ends at 3.60 as the Cubs swept a meaningless series vs. the Brewers. This should be factored into next year’s draft pick order. Teams losing meaningless games are worse than teams winning meaningless games, i.e., the Brewers lost eight straight meaningless games to end the year and lost against a team that wasn’t even trying. That’s gotta be worst than the Phils, who won a meaningless game this weekend. Since no one pays attention until there’s an acronym, how about, “FU, Teams In Last Excelling Means You Aren’t that Sucky, Suckers” or FUTILE, MY ASS.
