Steven Matz is likely done for the year after hurting his shoulder again. I’m not even joking. I kinda wish I were. NY Post writer, Joel Sherman’s headline, “How Terry Collins broke Matz news to Mets in stirring meeting.” Unless everyone had coffee, creamers and were stirring, Joel, buddy, you’re overselling. Quick aside, sportswriters assume their audience is a bunch of illiterate 8th graders. *makes farting noise with hand under armpit* That’s what I think of that. Any hoo! If I could toot my own horn, I’d never leave my house, but I told you Matz wasn’t going to start. If I were a Mets fan, I’d be particularly worried about the Mets going deep into the playoffs, because, unlike Joel Sherman, I’d like to point out this will be more innings on Gsellman and Lugo’s arms. Ya know, the same thing that got Matz, Harvey and deGrom in trouble this year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jay Bruce – Out again with “HOLY JESUS DID WE REALLY TRADE FOR THIS GUY? MAYBE WE ARE AS DUMB AS EVERYONE SAYS.” Don’t worry, it’s not contagious.
Curtis Granderson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer. Someone who cares more about real baseball than fantasy can prolly figure this out, but I bet the Mets would’ve been better off playing Grandy every day rather than working Bruce in at all.
Jose Reyes – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Hit a huge 9th inning, game-tying homer, which reminds me. You remember GWRBI? Did they stop that because people like Scott Boras were using it in arbitration? “My client may have hit .218 on the year, but he had 12 GWRBIs! Wally Joyner wants his money!”
Asdrubal Cabrera – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer, and his third homer this week. Asdrubal’s been hot schmotato’ing since hundreds had small faces. Yeah, of course, he’s in the Buy column coming later today.
Seth Lugo – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.61. Don’t worry, he has 25 more innings he can throw before he’s in the red. If you like Lugo, or care about his well-being, you will hope for an early Mets exit.
Ryan Howard – 1-for-2 and his 23rd homer. Damn, if only the Phils could bind together Joseph and Howard, which sounds like a lost book of the Bible. “Joseph lived in the land where his father had stayed, the land of Canaan. His accountant, Howard, also lived there. Howard was friends with Jesus, back when he was a carpenter. He got him good rates on nails.”
Cameron Rupp – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. I was about to say we’re Vesuvius up in this mug because Cameron’s E-Rupp’ing, but he’s hitting .188 in the last week. Maybe I was thinking of Cervelli, but he has one home run on the year, and that was hit yesterday, so unlikely — or unvelli, if you prefer.
Maikel Franco – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 23rd homer. If he gets to 25 HRs and 90 RBIs (he’s at 82), it will be hard to look at Franco as a total failure, if this season hadn’t featured 7,000 HRs from middle infielders.
Jeanmar Gomez – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and, like, his 5th blown save in the last two games. I appreciate Pete Macktheknife’s loyalty, but Gomez really isn’t a closer. Even if, “I’m a closer,” said His Early Season Results. Wouldn’t be the worst move to see if Hector Neris can close some games.
Blake Snell – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.65. His control is a total mess (5.2 BB/9), but that 9+ K-rate *pulls on collar like Rodney Dangerfield* I’m getting hot in here, or herrrrrre, if Nelly’s reading.
Corey Dickerson – 1-for-3 and his 23rd homer, and fourth homer in the last seven games. Hot schmotato alert!
Masahiro Tanaka – Won’t start Monday with what Joe Girardi described as a “slight, slight, slight” flexor mass strain. Joe Girardi might have a slight, slight, slight need for a thesaurus.
Luis Cessa – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.30. If you streamed him, pat yourself on the back — That’s not your back! What are you touching?! Oh God! — but now you can drop Cessa because he gets the Sawx next.
Kevin Gausman – Will not start Sunday and is out with an intercostal strain. Showalter said it was caused by dehydration. I’m guessing Showalter never passed his medical boards, but okay. Dehydration. Got it. Let’s just say everything in the oblique region of the body is undiagnosable.
Chris Tillman – 1 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA up to 3.84 vs. David Price – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. I go over this more in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but I dropped Price. And to hell with Price, cause the money ain’t a thang. There’s not enough time left to wait for a start, and if the Red Sox are in the playoffs, Price will be rested in his last start, maybe going three to four innings, as he primes to look awful in the playoffs. As for Tillman, if I’m dropping Price, what do you think I’d say for Tillman?
Trey Mancini – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in the last three games, and last two starts. Trey Mancini you might remember from the theme to 1950s movie that you can’t remember. He has some pop (20 HRs in the minors, after getting off to a crazy fast start in Double-A — 7 HRs in 17 games, then only 13 HRs in 125 Triple-A games. Know what this tells me…Hold on, let’s get out of the parenthetical.) This tells me Mancini goes on home run binges. So, if you need that sorta thing, Mancini’s grooving on a tune I can’t quite place from some old movie. Was a Hepburn in that?
Carlos Santana – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 34th homer, hitting .253. I don’t know where this was last year when I owned him on multiple teams. I’m guessing it’s something personal because I was rooting for Eric Clapton vs. Carlos Santana in a Celebrity Deathmatch. It was claymation, man, get over it!
Jason Kipnis – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 23rd homer, hitting .279. Kipnis would be having a solid season, if Dozier hadn’t told his ceiling, “Set me free, why don’t you, babe?”
Albert Pujols – 2-for-4 and his 31st homer with his 115th and 116th RBIs, hitting .265. I drafted him 106th overall! (Too bad I drafted Jason Heyward in the 5th. Hahahahahahahahaha — Breathe, Grey, Breathe! I’m losing him! — …Hahahahahahaha…)
Ricky Nolasco – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.60. Looks like the Angels knew what they were doing when they traded for him in the middle of the season. Same thing they’re doing with Rafael Ortega, Gregorio Petit, Jefry Marte, Yunel, Andrelton… I swear I didn’t make up half of those names. Somehow, the Angels are around neutral for team offense. The Mets have ~70 less runs scored than the Angels. I love using the ~ symbol, by the by. I need to start using it more. It’s a freakin’ mustache!
Lance McCullers – Threw a bullpen session. He’s out with a mild elbow sprain. If the Astros let him return, they might be classified as stupid as the Mets. Might.
Yasmani Grandal – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 26th and 27th homers. Aw, man, my baby boo is backing hitting homers and I dropped him last week when he was having elbow problems. I got stupid problems! Maybe that needs a hashtag. I’m stupid, I don’t know!
Brett Anderson – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 15.00. Shorthand: If you haven’t pitched well all season, and can’t pitch well vs the Rockies at home, you should not be on any fantasy team. Okay, Shorter-Hand: Drop.
DJ LeMahieu – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .352. I don’t own LeMahieu anywhere but I’m actively rooting for him to win the batting title over Murphy. That is all.
Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.83. Big tough guy pitching against the Padres! You really Samardzija’d them, Samardzija!
Ian Kinsler – Didn’t play yesterday, but is concussion free. He’s also conclusion free, so no spoiler alerts.
Justin Upton – 2-for-6, 3 runs and his 26th homer. Email the guy in your league this, “Dude, I know you’ve moved on to football or basketball or hockeyball, but, just so you know, you’re killing it in the H2H playoffs. Nice hold on Upton, even though you didn’t know you held him. Schmohawk!”
Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.21. If I don’t mention Verlander again this year, I just want to wish him the best in his marriage to Kate Upton. May they live happily ever after until she loses her looks and he retires with nothing to do at 39 years old. Then may they divorce in the worst possible way. *taps fork against glass* To you guys! C’mon, kiss! Like you do in front of a mirror.
Brian Dozier – 1-for-8 and his 42nd homer. Who do you want to lead the majors in homers? I’ll put it to you a different way, who do you want to be the most overrated next year?
Byron Buxton – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 8th homer. I want to draft him for 2017 right now.
Matt Kemp – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 32nd and 33rd homer. Steals have disappeared from his game quicker than he can say Manny Machado. On the year, Kemp has one steal.
J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer. Fun fact! In Latin America, Norma from Orange is the New Black is called Realmuto.
Francisco Cervelli – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. The Unvelli! That’s a callback, if you read the post.
Starling Marte – 1-for-1 and replaced halfway through the game with back tightness. I keep saying you can drop him, and you keep asking if you should pick him up, so, ya know, use the force.
Chris Carter – 1-for-3 and his 37th homer. I Googled Chris Carter and saw one of the suggestions was “Chris Carter Son,” so, naturally, I clicked on it. Turns out he has a son in the CFL, says he’s a wide receiver like his dad. Chris Carter is wide, but he can’t receive anything but burgers– *intern whispers in my ear* There’s someone called Cris Carter? Did Criss Angel and Jimmy Carter have a baby? *intern quits* You can’t quit, you’re fired!
Scooter Gennett – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and three homers in the last eight games. If picking up Scooter doesn’t make you feel like a real man or wo…man, I can’t help you.
Phil Coke – Pirates acquired Coke, because they’re doing a remake of the 1979 championship team.
Bryce Harper – The news said yesterday, “The Nationals called a team meeting on Harper’s shoulder.” I think we know why Harper’s having problems. They’re having team meetings on Harper’s shoulder! Stand off to the side!
