After the top 20 catchers for 2016 fantasy baseball, it’s all downhill. And by downhill, I mean it will pick up speed and start moving quickly. That really should be what “it’s all downhill” means. I fixed you, English language, you’re welcome. The top 10 for 2016 fantasy baseball and the top 20 for 2016 fantasy baseball were done the other day too. I think this is what they call getting you up to date. I don’t mean that as in, “We have to shave his unibrow into two eyebrows, and maybe have him wear something other than a sports jersey, so he’s ‘up to date’ a girl.” This top 20 1st basemen for 2016 fantasy baseball goes to about 60. Every year it seems like it gets longer and more unwieldy like the story you tell people on why you didn’t finish college. As always, for each player there’s my projections and where I see tiers starting and ending. There’s the position eligibility chart for 2016 fantasy baseball, and all the 2016 fantasy baseball rankings are under that linkie-ma-whosie. Anyway, here’s the top 20 1st basemen for 2016 fantasy baseball:
1. Paul Goldschmidt – Went over him in the top 10 for 2016 fantasy baseball.
2. Anthony Rizzo – Went over him in the top 10 for 2016 fantasy baseball.
3. Miguel Cabrera – Went over him in the top 20 for 2016 fantasy baseball.
4. Jose Abreu – Went over him in the top 20 for 2016 fantasy baseball.
5. Edwin Encarnacion – Went over him in the top 20 for 2016 fantasy baseball.
6. Chris Davis – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Pujols. I call this tier, “How about you cancel your TaskRabbit job for someone else to draft you a 1st baseman and you do it yourself?” What I mean by the tier name is, I like guys in later tiers, but this is the last tier I feel confident about as my 1st baseman. As for Davis, if you studied Saberhagenmetrics at the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston, then you know Davis has a proclivity to be good every other year, which means 2016 won’t be good. By the by, try to pick up a girl in a bar using the word proclivity. It’s impossible. It’s a difficult word to use in any situation and not come off like a total nutcase. Even with something banal like, “I have a proclivity for brushing my teeth.” You can’t even say that in a dental office waiting room without sounding like a weirdo. You will get flagged by the NSA. So, Davis will follow past patterns and hit only 30 HRs this year while hitting sub-.200 or he will Scrooge McDuck around Ghosts of Seasons Past. Nearly impossible to say for sure, but a guy with 50-homer power needs to be drafted around here for what could be. 2016 Projections: 84/37/101/.252/3
7. Joey Votto – That power from last year? Yeah, that’s not likely to return after he had his highest HR/FB% in five years. I do get the sense from Votto that he’s like a modern-day Ted Williams in that if he wants to hit .330 with 45 doubles, he can do that. If he wants to hit .300 with 30 homers, he can do that too. All of this is assuming he stays healthy. And assuming makes an ass out of U and Ming, the old Asian guy who lives in my building who smells like moth balls. 2016 Projections: 87/25/75/.307/6
8. Albert Pujols – You know who Pujols feels like? David Ortiz. When you’re blindfolded and squeeze his thigh? No, Random Italicized Voice, he doesn’t literally feel like him. So, I can remove this blindfold? Pujols feels like Ortiz in that he will hit 30-ish homers until he eventually retires, as long as he’s healthy. Speaking of health, here’s what I said earlier this offseason, “(Pujols ) had foot surgery for his plantar fasciitis that was about five years overdue. Typical recovery time is four and half months. *counts down months with fingers, lowers one finger with December, lowers 2nd finger for January, lowers 3rd finger for February, lowers 4th finger for March, chops fifth finger in half* That takes us to around March/April. Wouldn’t shock me to hear all during spring training about how Pujols will miss the first month of the season, then around Opening Day we’ll hear how he’s due back the first week of the season.” And that’s me quoting me! 2016 Projections: 82/30/93/.257/4
9. Adrian Gonzalez – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Fielder. I call this tier, “Sweatpants.” What I mean by the tier name is once you start wearing sweatpants, they’re comfortable and you keep wearing them. Then, in three years, you look back on the last years of your 30s and you realize you wore sweatpants for the last three years and have all but given up on life. This tier could be okay, and you might feel comfortable with them, but you won’t feel alive owning them. As for Gonzalez, he’s listed as 33 years old, but no one has ever appeared this uncomfortable in casual wear that is under 50 years old. He’s either a robot or much older. His career power numbers also look like he’s much older. He last topped 30 homers in 2010 and Steamer projects him for 24 homers, which doesn’t seem that conservative. A-Gon is okay, kinda like sweatpants at the gym. 2016 Projections: 79/26/92/.270
10. Freddie Freeman – I Totes McGotes nailed Freeman last year when I said he was overrated. Even Ms. Cleo gots to say to me, “Damn, you got visions, you handsome ess oh bee.” Thanks, Ms. Cleo. So, how am I feeling on Freeman this year? Well, the only thing that has changed is everyone else has figured out Freeman isn’t that good. I mean, he’s not bad, kinda like sweatpants to walk the dog. (Oh, by the way, my vet told me that we should be giving our dog, Ted, Prozac. I’m not even kidding. The vet was like, “Terriers are hyper, as a breed, but…I’ve never seen one like this,” as Ted chomped his teeth onto a ceiling fan and spun around.) 2016 Projections: 74/24/87/.293/4
11. Buster Posey – Went over him in the top 20 catchers for 2016 fantasy baseball.
12. Prince Fielder – In his last two full seasons, he’s hit 25 homers, then 23 homers last year. By 2020, he’s going to be hitting 10 homers a season. He did average the 12th best distance on his home runs (408 feet; for what it’s Werth, Freeman was above Fielder at 410 feet and 8th in the majors for guys with at least 18 homers). I just don’t trust Fielder all that much, like I don’t trust the pockets on my sweatpants. 2016 Projections: 75/23/94/.282
13. Eric Hosmer – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Piscotty. I call this tier, “I wanna put on The Weeknd and embark on dirty time with these guys.” Technically, these players could be your 1st baseman, but I’d feel a lot better about my team if they were my corner man. Hosmer seems like the only guy in this tier that could be drafted as a 1st baseman. This tier feels like the guys that will take over next year for the tier right above them. As for Hosmer, I don’t see the Royals getting better, but they’d have to be hit by injuries to get much worse, because the main pieces are in their prime. How much better could Hosmer get? That’s the question (or answer if Alex Trebek is reading this). Last year, he had a 24.4% Fly Ball rate, and averages 27.9% over his career. That’s on par with guys that regularly hit 10-12 homers, so it doesn’t portend great things. Hosmer actually has the profile of a speedster like Starling Marte or Anthony Gose — ton of ground balls, not many fly balls, except…and again with some stank…EXCEPT! Hosmer hits the ball far. He had the fourth highest average distance on his homers, and his Hard Contact rate is better than most with a low fly ball rate. I don’t know how he hits more than 20 homers, but if it’s going to happen, it’ll be this year as his power peaks. 2016 Projections: 86/20/94/.303/8
14. Brandon Belt – I already gave you a Brandon Belt sleeper post. I wrote it while drawing a mustache on photos of Mark McGrath, and posting those photos as myself on Ashley Madison. 2016 Projections: 79/21/90/.288/10
15. Matt Adams – My friend’s wife recently had a baby and he was saying how the baby needs to be breastfeed for the first month because nipples are harder to suck than bottles and if you give the baby a bottle too early, then they’ll never want to suck a boob because it’s too difficult. It’s important babies fight for that milk early on. With this in mind, it’s quite surprising that babies, who have learned to suck hard on boobs, don’t see Matt Adams and latch onto him. Like he’s walking through a mall and babies leapfrog onto his moobs. Or maybe this does happen. Any hoo! Adams feels like a guy that is left for dead after a few seasons of disappointing and then he finally makes good on his promise. Remember, at one point, he hit 32 homers in one year in the minors and should be a .290-.310 hitter. Of course, Brandon Moss is supposedly platooning with him on some days. I think that’ll end up not happening by May, but there’s some risk due to it. 2016 Projections: 73/24/87/.285/3
16. Wil Myers – Kinda in the same boat as Matt Adams, which means WE’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BOAT! Nah, same boat as in Myers was a touted prospect not that long ago and could still make good on that promise. It is goofy that he’s a 1st baseman. So much so that if the Padres had signed their DNR, then someone seeing Myers playing first would be reason to pull the plug on the entire organization. 2016 Projections: 81/18/68/.247/9
17. Stephen Piscotty – I’m not entirely sure what to expect from Piscotty. Grey doesn’t know! Grey doesn’t know! In a minor league season, his high for homers was 11, but that was only in 87 games and last year he hit 18 homers between Triple-A and the majors. His minor league HR/FB% was 11.4% in 1531 plate appearances. That was nearly identical to his major league HR/FB% at 11.7%. If he gets 520 ABs, which is conservative since he’s penciled in as the two-hole hitter, he’ll get around 150 fly balls and about 15 homers. This is obviously skanky math that may not hold. He also had 11 steals in his only full season at one level of the minors (Triple-A in 2014). He gets caught a lot, so 10 steals feels overly optimistic. Lastly, the Cardinals seem to give 100 runs/RBIs out to whomever gets in the lineup. Okay, really lastly, I like the upside of a 25-year-old. I just want a little taste. 2016 Projections: 86/15/65/.278/7
18. Mark Trumbo – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Plouffe. I call this tier, “They’ve attracted big fleas by wearing Big Dog shirts.” What I mean by the tier name is that any of these guys could hit 30 homers, but they are far from a lock for steady, fantasy production. Here’s what I said about Trumbo earlier this offseason, “Traded to the Orioles for Steve Clevenger, who sounds like the real name of a horror film murderer. “I’m just going to take my girlfriend out on this boat in this deserted town on this man-made lake for some premarital sex. What could go wrong?” That’s what they say right before Steve Clevenger gets into the water and starts paddling with oars that have been sharpened into knives. Trumbo gets an obvious bump in fantasy value going to Camden and away from Safeco. Trumbo’s never really been bad, he’s been injured, a lot. Wouldn’t surprise me to see him put up a career year with 35+ homers, but it also wouldn’t surprise me to see him play 75 or less games and hit 14 homers.” And that’s me quoting me! 2016 Projections: 72/28/86/.265/1
19. Byung-ho Park – Here’s what I said when he signed with the Twins, “True story, I went to a Korean baseball database to find Byung-ho Park’s stats, but first I wanted to see again what Jung-ho Kang had done in Korea, so I typed into the search field “Kang.” There were two pages of results. A Dong Woo Kang, a Sung Woo, a Sang Soo, a Jang Ho, the Jung Ho and, the lesser known to you, Han Wool. That reminds me, when I was younger, I used to wear Han Wool while I got a Dong Woo. Any hoo! (Or maybe that’s Any Ho!) I found the info I was looking for (Kang hit 40 homers in his last season in Korea.) Another tidbit I came across was ex-major leaguer Eric Thames hit 47 homers in Korea this past year. He’s 28 years old. Know who else is 28 years old? Byung-ho Park, and he hit 53 homers last year in Korea. Another major league washout, Yamaico Navarro hit 48 homers last year in Korea in his age 27 season. Previously, his claim to fame was Brad Ausmus tried to put Yamaico on his head for Jewish ceremonies, and hitting two homers in 79 games in the majors. Thames did better in the majors, but still not great, which is why he’s in Korea. Kang didn’t do poorly last year in his initial MLB season (15 HRs, .287), but he obviously didn’t have the same level of success as in Korea. Since every player is different, I’m not saying Byung-ho will come here and put up a 15-18 HR season while hitting .280, but Korea to the U.S. is a difficult transition, so I also wouldn’t expect much more. For 2016, I’d expect Eric Hosmer at the top end and Adam Lind at the low end.” And that’s me quoting me! 2016 Projections: 72/20/79/.272/2
20. Carlos Santana – He’s only going to be 30 years old this year and only one year removed from a top ten 1st baseman preseason ranking. Of course, now he has two straight years of hitting .231, and he hasn’t made solid contact in about that long. Oye como bleh? Yeah, kinda. 2016 Projections: 70/24/87/.235/6
21. Lucas Duda – A lot of the guys in this tier have numbers that are better than a few of the guys above them, but as with the tier name, there’s fleas with each of them. Biggest flea with Duda? He could hit 29 homers in only four weeks and be doodie the other five months. Duda to doodie really does happen that fast. 2016 Projections: 71/29/88/.241/1
22. Mark Teixeira – He’s had a long career, right? So long that I sometimes confuse him with Rafael Palmeiro and think Teixeira has been playing for the last thirty-five years. Last year he had his highest HR/FB% while also having a distance on his home runs of 388.9 feet, which was about the same as Torii Hunter, who retired, and Luis Valbuena, who should retire but Billy Valbuena has got himself in trouble and Luis needs to pay for Dean Strang. Last stop before hitting fly balls that are long outs is hitting home runs on average that are 388 feet. Te(i)x might have one more season in him, but there’s some serious warning signs. 2016 Projections: 62/23/75/.246/2
23. Brian McCann – Went over him in the top 20 catchers for 2016 fantasy baseball.
24. Daniel Murphy – Here’s what I said this offseason, “Signed with the Nats because the Nats didn’t want me making ‘Wilmer Difo is at his best in a platoon’ jokes all year. I bet Charlie Sheen could’ve gave him some assistance, too. Whew, glad I didn’t use the thesaurus for the word ‘assistance!’ The Nats will likely put Murphy in the two-hole and hope he turns on his heart light in October of next year like he did this past postseason.” And that’s me quoting me! 2016 Projections: 83/14/59/.285/4
25. Travis Shaw – He’s in the tier named, “They’ve attracted big fleas by wearing Big Dog shirts.” Then, cut to Pablo Sandoval standing behind him, tapping his shoulder, asking him if he’s going to take his position for very long, when, finally, Sandoval eats a large flea with Tapatio. Shaw could take Sandoval’s job until October. He could platoon. He could breakout. Last year, in 226 ABs, he hit 13 homers. That was more than Sandoval (for homers; Sandoval had/has more ABs. He’s got close to a thousand ABs if he’s not currently dieting and shaking his belly.) Shaw hasn’t shown dramatic power prior to last year, so I’ll be conservative and say he’s right on the edge of ownable for 12-team mixed leagues, but could be more. Much more. Much, much, okay, you get it. 2016 Projections: 64/19/71/.258/1
26. Trevor Plouffe – Anyone that tells you to draft Plouffe as a cheap alternative corner man I’d seriously question their advice in all facets of fantasy. Plouffe is fine to pick up once the season is going or in media res, for our friends in Latin America, but to draft Plouffe is basically saying, “I went to the bathroom during the 18th round of my draft and I got autopicked Plouffe. Essentially, while I was grabbing Plouffe I was also hearing Plouffe, because Plouffe is the French word for the sound poop makes when hitting toilet water.” 2016 Projections: 63/20/72/.245/2
27. C.J. Cron – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Valbuena. I call this tier, “Willem Dafoe.” By the tier name, I mean I like them a lot in a platoon, and wouldn’t mind most of them out of a platoon, and the lack of Wilmer Difo’s playing time won’t stop me from making Platoon allusions. It’s not a trick, it’s an illusion! As for Cron, I’m done expecting him to get everyday playing time. I’ve been hurt too many times before and my wounds are too fresh, too raw. Speaking of which, if I had a sushi restaurant, on the cover of my menu there would be a cartoon fish with a balloon coming from its mouth and inside the balloon it would read, “My wounds are too fresh, too raw.” Cron has no discernible splits but as the DH he will get benched for a resting Pujols and anyone else The Sciosciapath wants to play. Shame because Cron prolly has 27-homer power with an everyday job. 2016 Projections: 54/22/68/.255/3 in 475 ABs
28. Mitch Moreland – Unlike the other guys in this tier, Moreland doesn’t have an obvious platoon partner on the team right now. Fielder might get on the field at 1st base in interleague games, but unless Joey Gallo is promoted to play first base, it looks like Moreland’s job. Unlike, Part 2: This One Is Unlike The Other Unlike, Moreland should be platooned. 2016 Projections: 61/22/75/.246/1 in 490 ABs
29. Justin Bour – I’ll be honest with you, I didn’t watch many Marlins games last year. Their announcers are awful, the crowd is rocking if we mean that as in a rocking chair, and Giancarlo was out for half of last season. So, this offseason I went and watched a few of Bour’s home runs. Doode is a straight mollywhopper. He kinda reminds me of Ty Wigginton. At least, he looks like him. Bour hit nine No Doubt home runs last year, Nelson Cruz only hit 10. I didn’t buy into Bour during the season due to his age and relative anonymity, but I’ve sold myself on him this offseason. Don’t love that the Marlins might platoon him, but he was awful vs. lefties and it’s likely for the best. 2016 Projections: 54/22/68/.268/1 in 430 ABs
30. Pedro Alvarez – This guy is a total bargain and a sleeper this late. I feel like ESPN when I say that because I’m the one ranking him this late, so essentially I’m the one making him a bargain. If I really liked him, I would’ve ranked him much higher. Last year, he had 27 HRs in only 437 ABs while batting .243. If everything was neutral on those numbers, I would’ve ranked him much earlier, but his HR/FB% was absurd. Since 2000, he had the third highest HR/FB% with 32.5% with at least 400 ABs. Since 2000, only one other guy is above 30% in a season (Nelson Cruz also last year). Alvarez can be above 20%, maybe even above 25%, but over 30% is ridunk. He should still offer cheap power later on in a draft, assuming he signs somewhere. UPDATE: What I just said in his blurb. Nothing changes, except now he’s on the Orioles. 2016 Projections: 52/23/64/.246/3 in 420 ABs
31. Adam Lind – Here’s what I said this offseason about Lind, “Acquired by the Mariners. Looks like the Mariners found their Mark Trumbo replacement! Sorry, that’s not supposed to be an exclamation mark, but I can’t find the emoji of a Mariners fan shrugging. I’m kidding, Lind isn’t that bad. He can almost play one position. I tease, Lind’s a slightly better all around hitter than Trumbo that doesn’t rely on fly balls as much. Trumbo is a .260 hitter vs. Lind’s .270; Trumbo is a 30-homer possibility vs. Lind’s 22-homer pedigree. Okay, they’re not that different, and Lind will likely platoon.” And that’s me quoting me! 2016 Projections: 58/16/64/.274 in 480 ABs
32. Chris Carter – He signed with the Brewers and now can help develop his project about two sci-fi agents that help uncover conspiracies while managing a Brewers lineup that is all righties, minus the switch hitting Scooter. 2016 Projections: 54/31/78/.206/1
33. Luis Valbuena – I kinda liked this tier up until this moment. Meh, I’m being too hard on Valbuena in the non-sexual way. He’s good for power and…uh…um… Okay, moving on. 2016 Projections: 49/17/58/.231/2 in 450 ABs
34. Ryan Howard – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Solarte. I call this tier, “They wear the ceremonial Starter jacket, and not just a Charlotte Hornets Starter jacket like they’re pretending to be The Grandmama, Larry Johnson.” Tier name is pretty straightforward. It says that I have no knowledge of the NBA after 1995. Oh, and the tier name also means these guys could be the starters, which isn’t a great thing. As for Howard, Phillies manager, Pete Macktheknife, isn’t sure if Howard will be a platoon player. Here’s how fast I’d make the decision: Howard hit .130 vs. lefties last year. And…done! 2016 Projections: 49/20/60/.219 in 460 ABs
35. Ryan Zimmerman – I could see Zimmerman staying healthy all year…if I cut out pictures of Ryan Zimmerman’s face and paste said pics to the lenses of my sunglasses, then don them while drinking six Pina Coladas. Without my Ryan Zimmerman goggles, I’d guess he gets around 420 ABs. 2016 Projections: 54/18/69/.253 in 420 ABs
36. Victor Martinez – He feels like a lock for 12-ish homers and a .280 average. And, wow, is that boring. 2016 Projections: 69/12/77/.282
37. Derek Norris – Went over him in the top 20 catchers for 2016 fantasy baseball.
37. Adam LaRoche – As of right now, he’s a platooner with some starter benefits. If he gets hot, he’ll play every day. If he gets cold, he’ll lose more playing time. Fans of Saberhagenmetricians will be quick to point out that 2016 is the year LaRoche is due to hit 30 HRs. Saberhagenmetricians also point out that Bryce Harper will be terrible this year, because all Saberhagenmetricians do is go opposite of last year. UPDATE: He retired from baseball, he still hopes to scratch himself and spit. 2016 Projections: 55/15/60/.242/1 in 440 ABs
38. Mike Napoli – Here’s what I said this offseason, “Signed a deal with the Indians. Funny because his mom makes me pop a teepee. Nippoli should be the starting 1st baseman-slash-DH, depending on how the Indians want to play Santana.” And that’s me copying and pasting me! 2016 Projections: 45/19/58/.220/3 in 400 ABs.
39. Joe Mauer – In retrospect, Mauer’s 2009 season of 28 homers looks as absurd as Brady Anderson’s 50-homer season. Unless, of course, Mauer’s been getting roofied for the last six years by Cosby. I’m not ready to rule this out. 2016 Projections: 72/10/70/.261/2
40. Justin Turner – No offense to Turner, but that’s what I expect from him. 2016 Projections: 52/10/57/.284/6
41. Stephen Vogt – Went over him in the top 20 catchers for 2016 fantasy baseball.
42. Yangervis Solarte – Right now, Yangervis is the three-hole hitter for the Padres. The same Yangervis that was a bench player for the Yankees. You say parity, I say it’s a parody. 2016 Projections: 59/12/62/.267/2
43. Ben Paulsen – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Reynolds. I call this tier, “Aw, just let them play.” This tier is filled with guys that will either be platooned or may not even get the opportunity. Here’s what I said when the Rockies signed Mark Reynolds, “Walt Weiss is a moron. To keep him as the manager, it means the Rockies are just dumb, in general. But Weiss really is the King of the Dopes. This has been widely reported by everyone even people not officially reporting it. Like when a reporter says something like, “It’s impressive that the players never quit on Weiss when no one would’ve blamed them.” One of the dumber moves the Rockies have been doing for a while is playing vets at 1st base. This started around Todd Helton’s 10th season past the point when he should’ve been the starter. I really have no idea why the Rockies don’t let Ben Paulsen just be the starter and leave him alone. In the minors, Paulsen showed more than capable skills. But the Rockies refuse to go without a safety net and signed Mini Donkey.” And that’s me quoting me! I’m listing Paulsen here because he should get the righty starts. 2016 Projections: 51/14/58/.261/2
44. A.J. Reed – The Astros are a contender. Says so right here on the tattoo I had put on my arm so I wouldn’t forgot they were contenders. That is also the last time I star in a Memento play off-Broadway. Reed’s a big-power, ex-herbathrowdite. He hit 23 homers in his final year at Kentucky while also throwing 112 IP of 2.09 ERA ball. As they say in Kentucky, that’s Calipar-wowey! Do they not say that in Kentucky? Nah, I think they do. Crazy thing (not crazy), he’s continued to hit with authority in the minors too. The Astros, being contenders, will not waste any time promoting Reed if they struggle for a week or two. That’s right, I’m not even sure the Astros will wait until June to promote him. 2016 Projections: 41/16/46/.241 in 300 ABs
45. Greg Bird – The illness of needing to play vets that the Rockies suffer from was first spread into general population by the Yankees. I’d say Bird would be a starter for at least 15 other teams. It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Greg Bird on a plane headed to Triple-A! UPDATE: Undergoing season-ending shoulder surgery. Bird injured himself writing fan mail to his favorite actress, Dame Judi Finch. The Yankees aren’t concerned; they have Mark Teixeira and A-Rod. Now they just need to get the time machine to work. 2016 Projections: 36/15/39/.277 in 220 ABs
44. Jon Singleton – Not entirely sure if the Astros will play Reed over Singleton from the jump, but if his career thus far is any indication, Singleton will be lucky to see around 80 games. Shame Jon Singleton keeps getting the Shaft, but that remake was totally unnecessary. 2016 Projections: 38/13/44/.211/3 in 300 ABs
45. Josh Bell – Here’s what I said this offseason, “(Jason Rogers was) acquired by the Pirates for Trey Supak and Keon Broxton, who is Jonathan Broxton’s soul brother. The Pirates didn’t really have much at first base. They didn’t even have a guy with a slash line; they had a guy with a series of dots and slashes in Michael Morse. Then, soon thereafter, the Pirates acquired John Jaso. Since Morse promises to be injured by April, Jaso and Rogers could sneak into playing time. Rogers was a guy who had four homers in a half a season last year, and Jaso had five homers, so this is really awesome stuff for fantasy.” And that’s you wondering what this has to do with Josh Bell! Besides sounding like he starred in a Nickelodeon, Josh Bell is seeming more and more like a June call up since the Pirates stacked their first base position with John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt and Morse. Bell hasn’t exactly set the world aflame in the minors, but he’s done enough to warrant deep league consideration. 2016 Projections: 34/10/42/.277/4 in 350 ABs
46. Brandon Moss – Do I want Moss to play? Yes. Do I want him to play for the team he’s currently on? No. Hey, my tiers, my rules. 2016 Projections: 44/18/54/.224/1 in 420 ABs
47. Chris Colabello – Seems like every year he has a good six week stretch like the guy from the movie, Awakenings, doing yoga. 2016 Projections: 51/13/59/.246/1 in 350 ABs
48. Justin Smoak – I’m tip toe wing in my Jawwdinz that no one notices I dropped back-to-back guys that play exact same position on the same team. Hey, homey, what can I say, Jays got bills to pays now get me some Dolce & Gabbana. I suddenly became RiFF RAFF. 2016 Projections: 41/16/54/.221 in 300 ABs
49. Mark Reynolds – See what I said for Ben Paulsen’s blurb or about four inches above. Or seven inches if you’re talking to a girl. 2016 Projections: 33/15/42/.262/3 in 300 ABs
50. Yonder Alonso – This is the last tier. This tier goes from here until the end of the list. I call this tier, “Greg Bird can’t get a starting job, but these guys can?! Shame on you, small market teams, shame on you. Or maybe that’s shame on you, big market teams. Meh, shame is such a Catholic feeling.” Last I checked the guys in this tier were starters. And by ‘last I checked’ I mean I checked once, shuddered and then stopped looking at the awful lineups these guys are in. In some deep, weekly leagues, it could be worth moving this tier above the previous tier because you can’t move guys in and out of the lineup when someone is benched. As for Yonder, he has 32 homers in 1621 major league at-bats. Okay. Or as a Japanese girl would text, “Okayrokidoki.” 2016 Projections:47/8/56/.276/2 in 450 ABs
51. Tyler White – In the lead for the 1st base job in Houston until A.J. Reed emerges. What’s that, a two month audition? Sounds like he’s auditioning for Kubrick. Will only play two months? Nothing here! Dot dot dot. Or is there?! He could take over or platoon with Valbuena when Reed comes up. White doesn’t K and walks a lot. That get your juices flowing? Meh, a little for me, but not much. He has Loney-ish power, which is to say droppers between the 2nd baseman and right fielder. 2016 Projections: 47/9/52/.274/1
51. James Loney – Brett Wallace looks at this tier and calls up his agent, “Seriously, I can’t get a starting job somewhere?” UPDATE: Didn’t make the team. When he heard the news, he stomped out of the clubhouse and some people were saying he should be called, Bad Attitude, or B.A. Loney, for short. 2016 Projections: 49/7/53/.278/2 in 400 ABs
