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Yesterday, Alek Manoah went 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 10 Ks vs. the Rays, i.e., they’re supposed to be good. Alek Manoah has a 3.39 ERA, and a mom that’s a 10. Sign me up (for a spot in the mailbox outside their house)! “Hello, Ms. Alek Manoah, can I call you Alek Mommamia? Alek Womanoah? Why are you walking faster? I just wanna chat!” I scream from the mailbox. Call me a Cougar Chaser because I chase cougars! Any hoo! Alek Manoah is doing this as a rookie. Um, how about pretty unheard of. He is the 1st Jays’ pitcher to throw eight scoreless with one hit, zero walks and 10 Ks. Again, that’s against the best AL team. He tied Trevor Rogers for most 6+ innings starts for a rookie this year. His slider was dropping five inches more last night than when he first came up. He looks like a young Lance Lynn if Lance Lynn hung out with Action Bronson. For 2022, he looks like a ready-made horse, even though he will have roughly 100 IP under his belt. Right now, he’s rocking a 9.8 K/9 and a 3-ish BB/9, and for 2022 I’d put him around similar numbers, but with better command upside. So, roughly a number two fantasy starter who will have moments much better and worse. In only year two! Alek Mommamia, I love what you’ve produced! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-5 and his 45th homer. As the sticker says on my stand mixer, there’s nothing better than Cake Batter.

Bo Bichette – 1-for-5 and his 24th homer. Jays have Cake Batter and Boba Chette. They are the sexiest team or I’m just very hungry.

Randal Grichuk – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Grabbed Grichuk for his three-hit Sunday and now he’s got a three-hit Monday and Hot Schmotato Fever says he’ll have a two-hit Tuesday with a home run.

Gleyber Torres – 0-for-4, 1 run as he was shifted to 2nd base to take some pressure off him. Hey, whatever’s clever, but he homered on Sunday. The day after his first good game in a while is when you decide to release some pressure? I swear MLB teams are run by guys with no common sense.

Luis Gil – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.88. So, maybe streaming Gil wasn’t the best idea. *rubs self with dirt, dons a potato sack, walks into an Irish neighborhood* Come out and devour me! I’m nothing but a stupid potato!

Joey Gallo – 2-for-4 and his 33rd homer, hitting .199. Not to be the guy who does the negative thing during every positive thing, but Joey Gallo is currently tied with 2006’s Adam Dunn and 2016’s Mike Napoli for 26th most strikeouts in a season (194), and, with each strikeout, he passes a titan in the windmill industry. Be it, Ryan Howard, Jack Cust or four more seasons of Chris Davis and one Khris Davis. So crazy that Reggie Jackson used to be considered too strikeout-heavy, and his top season of strikeouts was tied by Freddie Freeman, who no one would consider a strikeout hitter. Reggie’s top season of strikeouts was also passed in a season by Mike Trout (not this year, that bastard).

Aaron Judge – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 33rd homer. Elias Sports Bureau said with Judge and Gallo both hitting their 33rd homers in the same game, the last two Yankees to do that were Maris and Mantle in 1961. Only it was in, like, June.

Miguel Sano – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. Also, in this game, Jorge Polanco homered. His 30th! Polanco has more homers than a guy who only homers. Incredible. It’s not been talked about enough, which is what I say before talking about it, but Polanco is a top 20 guy on the Player Rater. Guarantee you that he won’t be drafted anywhere near that next year, and you look at his numbers, maybe his HR/FB% comes down a little, but he has a .292 BABIP and a 17% K% with a 19.8 Launch Angle. That doesn’t scream, “7-homer hitter who will hit .250.”

Byron Buxton – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer, 3rd homer in four games. Imagine he played more than 50 games per season.

John Gant – Left after 12 pitches. These new pitch counts are crazy! Oh, wait, he was hurt. Okay.

Sandy Alcantara – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.10. Went over my Sandy Alcantara 2022 fantasy the last time he pitched, which is meant to point out how effin’ fantastic he’s been.

Paolo Espino – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.18. For the two-start week, Espino needs the Nats not to be in a six-man rotation, but, if they’re not, his next matchup is better than this one, according to the Streamonator.

Jake Odorizzi – Left the game after covering 1st base. Should’ve used a tablecloth. Cristian Javier (2 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.19) might see a start or two if Odorizzi can’t go.

Jose Siri – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. “Alexa, please hit me a home run.” “Not if you’re using that b*tch Siri!” Siri, the player, not the disembodied voice, had 16 HRs, 24 SBs and a .318 average in Triple-A. I don’t know where he’ll be playing, but if he is playing, due to resting regulars, might be some upside here.

Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 29th and 30th homer, hitting .281. The whole Astros team, except Altuve, seems like they sell out power for batting average. Even Tucker, who I thought would struggle to hit .260, is a .290 hitter.

Alex Bregman – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .297.  I’m actually surprised their team average is only .268.

Jose Iglesias – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Or maybe we should say that’s his 9th Hozier. Ya know, Take Me to Church.

Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-4 and his 21st homer. Has been a solid season overall, so take this with a grain of salt, but his 2nd half (.248, 6 HRs) has been dog shizz.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.00 vs. Logan Gilbert – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.97. Streamonator liked both of these starts, but I’d be lying if I said I trusted either of these guys in any matchup, especially Ed-Rod.

Mitch Haniger – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 33rd homer. If you can read this blurb, the Mitch didn’t fall off.

Chris Paddack – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. Wake me when he has a new team and a new elbow.

Yu Darvish – 4 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.32. Ha, man, he’s just effin with us now, huh? He pitches a gem on your bench, then he does this in your lineup. What a jizzoke. Stop being passive aggressive, you bastage!

Mike Yastrzemski – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer, and his 2nd homer in the last week. Carl’s Jr. Jr. helped the Giants clinch a playoff berth last night against the preseason favorite, Padres. Are people still exalting A.J. Preller up to the heavens as the genius who brought in Yu Darvish, Frazier (member him?), Grisham (whatever there?), Profar (um, huh?)…Hey, at least Blake Snell’s turned a corner, but he’s hurt now.

Evan Longoria – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer. And the Giants can throw anyone out there and get decent innings! Sorry, still massively peed-off at Darvish, while feeling peed-on.

Tommy La Stella – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games, and, of course, he’s on the Giants so he’ll get to ten homers too! Also, hot schmotato alert for Tommy Launch Angle.

Adam Wainwright – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.88. Next year, we’re gonna be like, “Wainwright is so RIGHT, baby, YAY! I’m taking him at 150 overall and banking on the lovelies to wash over my fantasy team.” And next year he’ll have a 5+ ERA and it’ll be like, “Why does the Fantasy Baseball Overlord hate me?”

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (25) and legs (12). Au Shizz! By the way, the Cards don’t seem like they’re aging–Wait a second! They have Ponce de Leon!

Clayton Kershaw– 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.33, as he was activated from the IL. He’s likely just back, um, bad choice of words with his health. He’s likely just returned to get him up to speed for the playoffs.

Justin Turner – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. He’s banked more fantasy value in the last two days than Cody Belanger dating back a month.

Steven Souza – Designated for assignment. In other words, Dodgers gave Souza his marching orders.

David Bednar – Dealing with side discomfort. Think it went like this: Pirates amongst themselves, “We have to use Chris Stratton to close games because he won’t cost us money in arbitration if he gets saves.” Pirates to Bednar, “Your side hurts.” Bednar, “No, it doesn’t.” Then the Pirates’ front office kicks Bednar in the side.