Fantasy Baseball Advice

Ernesto Frieri got the save yesterday in the 11th inning, but Downs came on in the 9th in a tie game.  On one hand, teams hold back their closer in a tie game in away games, in case they get the lead.  On the other hand, sometimes whoever pitches the ninth is the closer.  On a third lesser known hand that is actually a mitten on a doorknob, maybe Downs just came in to face two lefties and stayed in for Gomes.  On a fourth lesser known hand that is actually a hand spraypainted onto a dolphin, there is no fourth lesser known hand spraypainted onto a dolphin; c’mon, man, that’s just cruel.  On a fifth lesser known hand that is actually a giant hand-shaped pinata, The Sciosciapath is managing all of this, so if he sees Frieri get the save, Frieri could be the man.  If Frieri is out there, I’d grab him.  I still think Downs is in the mix.  Walden’s droppable outside of deep leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Marco Estrada – To the DL with a right hip flexor injury.  Chubby Checker just shuddered.

Jonathon Lucroy – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  If Lucroy’s a New Orleans name, I’m drinking the Bourbon!  If Lucroy’s a French name, I’m kissing his momma cause I like cougars!  If Lucroy is short for Lucuriousgeorge, then call me a monkey!  Oh, and I like Lucroy.

Jarrod Parker – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, to lower his ERA to 3.38.  Sure, he was facing a struggling offensive team in a hitter’s park… But other than the Rangers, that’s his entire division.

Jonathon Niese – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  On Tuesday, the Pirates were beat by Dickey, and the day before they beat Johan (though those seem reversed in more than one way).  Yesterday, the Pirates lost by a nose.  If you throw out The Nose’s two worst starts, he has a 2-something ERA.  What’s that, you can’t throw out those starts?  Tell your leaguemates fiddle faddle, I gave you permission.  In the preseason, I liked Niese, and still do.  Solid Ks, and looks like a number five to six fantasy starter.  Then from the side, he looks like a 2.  Get another nose job, man!

Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games.  Better hang onto your hatwitzki, Tulo’s about to take his owners for a ride of about 15 homers in the next month, which will end in a 15-day DL stint.

Ricky Romero – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks in Tampa Bay.  Hopefully, he does better when he returns on June 2nd.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, tying Ryan Zimmerman’s last two years combined.  I will now take Morpheus’s blue pill.

Kevin Millwood – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks to lower his ERA to 3.72.  On April 12th, I compared Millwood to Bartolo, saying, “You know Bartolo Colon with his sneaky 4-ish ERA in a pitchers’ park?  That’s Millwood.  I call them AL-Only guys that you don’t want to own, but someone’s got to.  I never said it was pithy.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Going into yesterday’s game, Millwood had a 4.17 ERA; Colon had 4.09.  Colon has 38 Ks, Millwood has 37.  Colon’s WHIP 1.28; Millwood’s 1.29.  For my next trick, I will pull Ryan Zimmerman’s head out of his ass.

Todd Frazier – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer.  He hadn’t done anything since his 2 homer game, so I dropped Frazier and didn’t even say cheers, but I still like him as a corner man for power in deep leagues if you can handle the low average.

Daniel Bard – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks.  I wouldn’t own Bard outside of AL-Only leagues.  Grey Albright:  The Chancellor of the Enthusiasm Chequer.

Daniel Nava – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  He’s worth picking up, but he’s nothing but a hot schmotato.  Sorry, I’m a non-beNava’r.  Ouch!  Sorry, just hurt myself trying to squeeze that one in.

Alfredo Aceves – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, his 11th save while lowering his ERA to 4.15.  Some of his owners who dropped him after his horrendous April are screaming, “‘Fredo, you betrayed me!”

Scott Podsednik – 2-for-3 with a homer.  I know exactly how the Red Sox feel today.  Last week I picked up Brian Dozier and that day he hit a home run.  Yay!  Then he went 0-for-a-week.  Don’t revel in it, Red Sox, it wears off.

Nick Johnson – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Or 3 homers by Scott Podsednick Johnson, if you play in a Sniglet league.

Xavier Avery – 2-for-5 with a steal.  I’m guessing Xavery is gonna be in Friday’s Buy/Sell.  We’ll have to wait to see what Pre-Holiday Weekend Grey’s got in store.

Matt Wieters – 0-for-1 as he sat out.  His average is down to .238.  Yikes, someone call The Roto Rooter Man, Wieters’s doodie has clogged up my roto teams.

Andy Pettitte – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Andy’s having a much better time over the last few weeks than his former comroidre.  I wonder if they video chat.  “Roger?” “Please call me Rocket.”  And they talk about needles and shizz.  On a side note, I was talking to a friend yesterday and her roommate, who is a guy, was video chatting with another dude.  Is that gay?  There’s nothing wrong with it, if it is.  But is it?  I mean, I don’t need to see my guy friends even when they’re in the same room as me.  Matter of fact, I prefer it that way.  Talk to me while you watch TV; we are all good.  And…tangent!  So, Pettitte’s been better than I expected since his return.  He’s also faced the Reds (terrible vs. lefties), the Royals and the M’s.  The Royals aren’t hideous, but I still don’t trust him.  His ballpark isn’t good, his division’s tough and he wasn’t even any good when he retired.  Now he’s good?  I ain’t buying in mixed leagues.

Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Now, A-Rod is definitely a guy-on-guy video chatter.

Brett Gardner – Had a setback with his elbow and won’t hit off a tee until Monday.  How’d this go from a minor 15-day DL stint to we’re probably not seeing him for two months total?  Jesus Monterochrist!

Eric Hosmer – 3-for-4 and a steal (which is actually impressive vs. Pettitte).  This proves my theory.  All some players need is me berating them.  Now, get it, Hosmer.  Get it!

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks.  We ended our month and a half torrid relationship yesterday.  I might’ve been so annoyed with Big Z, that I dumped Lynn, but I don’t regret it.  With 11 baserunners, he was lucky to only give up 3 earned.  If you don’t have better options on waivers, I’d bench him for his next start.

Carlos Beltran – Hit his 14th homer yesterday.  Ten more than Pujols.  Cust crazy.

Drew Sutton – 2-for-4 with 2 RBIs as he hit cleanup.  After the game, Maddon was asked what he’s thinking with the lineup card.  He said, “When I think Drew Sutton, I think Don Sutton.  When I think Don Sutton, I picture how his afro was so beautifully salt-and-pepper.  When I think salt-and-pepper, I think about mashed potatoes.  When I think about mashed potatoes, I think of the mess I make when I start mashing.  When I think of that mess from mashing, I think of the cleanup.  So when I think of Drew Sutton, I think of mashing at cleanup.”  When asked why Carlos Pena at leadoff, he replied, “Good OBP.”

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks.  If Shields was in the NL, I’d be on him like white on the albino kid who was in my 10th grade homeroom.  He seared his image on my retinas!  Does my bias against Shields make any sense, i.e., is he terrible against his AL East opponents?  Nah.  But at least I admit when I’m sitting on a bias angle.

Will Venable – 3-for-5 and a triple short of a cycle.  He was this week’s Creeper.

Carlos Zambrano – 5 IP, 7 ER.  Was he due for a blow up or is it because I picked him up for this start?  Probably the latter.  FMFBBL.

Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Nats.  After the game, Hamels said he wanted to teach Bryce Harper basic math so he let him go 1-for-3.  Figure out your batting average now, punk!

Chris Sale – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (2 hits), 6 Ks vs. the Twins.  Luckily, that closer experiment only lasted 36 hours and his elbow problems only lasted 72 hours.  I’m not joking when I say sometimes I think I know too much.  Say you owned Sale and were in Fiji for the last three weeks.  After you were done visiting Superfly’s birth home, you’d return to see Chris Sale threw another great start, just like you left him.  Could’ve Magoo’d Sale the whole time and had no stress.  Eh, what fun is that?  Fantasy Baseball:  When there’s not enough stress in my real life.

Addison Reed – Robin Ventura officially named Reed the closer.  He said he read on the internet that Reed was the closer for the last two weeks, and it sounded like a good idea.

Alex Rios – Homered last night.  If you’re wondering why, it’s cause I just dropped him.  That’s why.  No other reason.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Guess what Wandy’s ERA is.  Don’t Google it.  Guess.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  *scratches butt, taps finger, stirs coffee with different finger*  His ERA is 2.14!

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs.  He got ice cold for a while (hitting below .150 in May), but last night might be a sign he’s coming around.  Definitely would watch him.

J.J. Putz – Gibson confirmed that Putz was still their closer.  That means the over/under for him losing the job is at 4 days.

Krispie Young – Diamondbacks are saying they might’ve rushed him back, so they let him watch from the bench yesterday as they scored 11 runs.  Holy sit!

Adrian Beltre – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, facing his old team, the Mariners.  He obviously hit this homer just to say, “It’s not me, it’s you.”

Torii Hunter – Should return early next week.  I bet he regrets teaching his kid the importance of dotting both I’s.

The Royals physician diagnosed Danny Duffy with a torn UCL, which would mean Tommy John surgery.  In related news, Dr. James Andrews is filing a trademark lawsuit, saying he’s the only doctor that can shut down pitchers for longer than 60 days.  In sorta related news, Francisco Liriano is still waiting to come back.  In unrelated news, when Dr. James Andrews opens his milk, it goes bad immediately, then is good again in 280 to 360 days.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dee Gordon – 1-for-4 as he hits .212.  I’m not pointing any fingers, but the ‘perts over at Yahoo owe some of you an apology for how high they ranked Gordon.  Tell them Grey, the ‘pert who told you to avoid Grandy and the .400 hitting Wright, sent you for an apology.  Write it in blood, Pianowski!  Elian Herrera was called up to replace the recently DL’d Juan Uribe.  In the minors, Elian was returned to Cuba to live with his father and now he feeds Castro grapes.  *checking notes*  Totally wrong Elian, mea culpa, my Latin American friends!  Herrera has crazy speed (33 steals in Double-A last year; 9 steals in 28 games this year).  He just ran into your room, tied your shoes together and ran out without you knowing.  Look down.  See?  For now, Herrera will play all around the field, but there’s rumors that he will take some playing time away from Gordon.  Mattingly said he doesn’t think Gordon needs to be sent down to the minors.  Okay, but it’s not good when it’s being discussed that a player might be sent down.  For now, I’d only grab Elian in NL-Only leagues, but it’s worth monitoring.  I’d continue to hold Gordon, but you might have to start figuring out a contingency plan.  Like standing outside of Dale Sveum’s house reciting reasons why Campana should get shortstop eligibility.  That would be one contingency plan.  Here’s your thinking.  Here’s the box.  Your thinking is not in the box, is it?

Matt Kemp – Headed to the DL with a hamstring strain.  Here’s some shorthand for, y’all.  When a player says under no uncertain terms that he will not land on the DL, petition your league manager to make him DL-eligible.  Kemp shouldn’t miss more than 15 days.  Yesterday, Bobby Abreu hit 3rd for the Dodgers in Kemp’s absence.  Lineups don’t get much ethier than that.  Lisper!

Desmond Jennings – On May 6th, he left a game with knee soreness.  The Rays said it wasn’t a big deal.  On May 7th, I said it was a big deal when a player needed to be lifted mid-game.  Now, over a week later, the Rays are putting Jennings on the DL after using him as a pinch hitter on Friday.  So he’ll be out another two weeks.  Is it too much to ask a team to not pinch hit a guy when he might need to go on the DL?  How is this ever a good idea?   Rhetorical!

Jeff Niemann – He’ll be out a few months after a comebacker fractured his fibula.  No lie.

Miguel Batista – 7 shutout innings against the Brewers.  Look who learned something at Dave Duncan sleepaway camp!

Brad Lincoln – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks with his third win as he outpitched Anibal Sanchez (7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks).  FMFBBL!  Lincoln hasn’t been good for ellipse ever.   His K-rate is inflated because he was working in the bullpen and he’s on the Pirates.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t go near him.

Daniel Nava – 1-for-2 with a homer.  He’s now 5 for his last 10 with 5 runs, 5 RBIs and a steal.  Here’s a short refresher about Nava.  He didn’t make his college team, worked as their equipment manager, finally played college ball, going undrafted in the major league draft then was cut by the Chico Outlaws, which I believe is the minor league affiliate for Chico’s Bail Bonds.  Maybe it’s all a ruse and Nava is a great prospect, who’s in the Witness Protection Program.  Just to be safe, he should have Marlon Byrd start his car for him.  For now, I’d grab him because he’s swinging a hot bat, but I wouldn’t expect much, even if that would make the perfect Nava script.

Brandon Morrow – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks and 5 unearned runs.  Holy ticker shock!

Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 as he hit his first homer.  After the homer, the Padres skipper tried to get it reversed, arguing there was too much pine tar under Harper’s eyes.

Ross Detwiler – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Padres.  Ross, I would’ve been impressed with less runs.  I don’t know why the pitchers I stream can’t put on their big boy pants.  I should’ve went with Brad Lincoln.  It’s all about the Lincolns!

Henry Rodriguez – 1/3 IP, 3 BBs.  Before yesterday’s game, Davey Johnson said HanK-Rod is still the Nats closer.  After the game, Davey didn’t have to say anything.  Clippard could see some saves, Burnett might see a situational save or two, and Rodriguez, well, it was an okay run.

Bryan LaHair – 3-for-4 with a slam (#9) and legs (#1).  Shhh, don’t tell him that this is all a dream.  Just glad someone benefited from the movie, Inception.

Josh Reddick – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer, and 5th homer in the last ten games.  His last name sounds like an STD and he’s burning hot.

Elliot Johnson – 1-for-2 with his 6th steal.  Member how we were all excited about Jed Lowrie a few weeks ago?  Well, here’s your newest MI hot schmotato.

Allen Craig – 2-for-4 as he hit cleanup.  Can we just assume he gets two hits in every game so I don’t have to keep writing about him?  Thank you.

Tim Stauffer – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Returned from the DL after a month plus of a sore elbow.  Someone forgot to read the explicit directions on his elbows.  Don’t feed after midnight.  Don’t get wet and don’t, under any circumstances, pitch in away games.

Yonder Alonso – 2-for-4 to raise his average to .300.  He’s hitting cleanup and he has 7 runs and 10 RBIs and 1 homer on the year, so the average is pretty empty.  At least the average is good though, I’m farting in your general direction Aramis Ramirez.

J.J. Hardy – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 9th homer.  From the comments, I noticed something about Hardy.  People can’t wait for him to cool off so they can drop him.  To the point where they’ll drop him even if he’s still hot.  Just get J.J. off people’s teams!  Sigh.  I wish I had him on all my teams.

David Robertson – Missed out on the save because of sore ribs that have lingered since Friday.  When Fred Flintstone had ‘saur ribs, he was only out of commission for a day (after uprighting his car).

Christian Friedrich – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Okay, it was against the Ain’ts in San Fran, but that would be a great start even against the Mariners.  Speaking of which, he gets them next.  Don’t mind if I do!

Troy Tulowitzki – Dexter Fowler hit a line drive that nailed Tulo in the leg.  Wait until Tulo finds out Dexter was using one of Ubaldo’s old bats.  Tulo stayed in the game, but then was lifted when he seemed to be favoring his leg.  As of this writing, it’s not known how long Tulo will be out.  Once someone tells me in the comments, I will let you all know.

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Hang on, Cruz owners, because he’s about to go into turbo and hit 10 homers over the next 12 days and then pull a hamstring.

Eric Hosmer – 0-for-4 to lower his average to .174.  I’ll be organizing a pray circle for Hosmer’s owners at 4 PM at the Reseda Kiwanis Club.  After we meet there, we will be tracking down all Adam Dunn owners demanding they give us his stats.

Freddie Freeman – Threw in the towel in the 7th with blurred vision in his right eye.  He needed Bobby Cox in his corner to tell him to piss lightning and crap thunder.

Randall Delgado – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A few solid starts ago, I said monitor him.  Then a couple of solid starts ago, I said I’d pick him up in deeper mixed leagues.  Now, no more quantifying.  Pick him up.

Drew Smyly – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Uh-oh, this might be the beginning of the end for his fantasy usefulness.  Sad emoticon.

Addison Reed – He got the save yesterday because it was getting too predictable the other way around.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  The Mets decided to stick with their beleaguered closer and he rewarded their generosity by closing the door (after allowing a run).  Let’s see if you can guess what owning closers are similar to getting checked for:  Closers are completely nuts and after you grab them, they cough up runs.

David Wright – 1-for-3 with a run.  His average just dipped down below .400.  He’s a very good baseball player and I apologize I didn’t appropriately tout him during draft season.  May your piss and vinegar rain on my head.  Or if you looked at my slightly old draft sheet where I did tout him prior to his injury concerns, you’re welcome.

Yovani Gallardo – Still in the running for the most frustrating SP in the world.  Gives up only 2 hits in 6 IP vs the Mets and loses.  6 BB don’t help.  His ERA is still above 5, but it’ll be down sooner than his owners’ blood pressure.  Stay thirsty, Yovani.

Torii Hunter – Out for an unspecified amount of time as he deals with his son’s alleged sexual assault charges.  His son hopes to get this all cleared up and attend Penn State in the fall.

Evan Longoria is out for 6 to 8 weeks.  Let’s look on the bright side.  According to our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, Longoria has been less valuable than Encarnacion and Aviles at 3rd base.  On the less bright side, those guys have been really, really good.  Okay, that bright side argument didn’t play out so well.  Let’s try again.  On the bright side, I told everyone to draft Longoria and drafted him myself, so you can point at me and say how screwed I am.  On the less bright side, if you’re reading this, there’s a chance you listened to me and drafted Longoria too.  Okay, last try.  In the 6 weeks he will miss, Longoria would’ve gave you around 8 homers and 30 RBIs with a .300 average.  You can get that off waivers from Pedro Alvarez or Chris Davis (if all those coins I just dumped into a wishing well mean anything).  Did I just try to convince myself that Pedro Alvarez was going to give me the same stats as Longoria?  Wow, glad I haven’t convinced myself anything dangerous like I can fly or I can heal Longoria’s torn hammy by kidnapping him and taking him to St. Petersburg where they filmed Cocoon.  Though I guess taking him to St. Pete couldn’t hurt… Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Moore – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Pull your arms inside, I’m closing the window to buy low on Moore.

Matt Joyce – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Every year he’s a beast before the All-Star break.  Will someone remind me next February to place Joyce in my top 100 overall?  It sounds like crazy talk, but think about this.  You draft Joyce in the top 100, then someone will underperform on your team when the season starts (Stanton, McCutchen, do I have to continue with the names?) so you trade the underachiever for a different piece and play Joyce.  Then you’ll be winning your league and people will be like how is this schmohawk winning when he took Joyce in the 8th round?

Nolan Reimold – Will miss a few days with a bulging disk — no, that’s not like when you tried to jam a CD into your radio and one was already there.  Reimold says he will be back in a few days, which is pretty much what he’s said for the last week, so he also has a broken record.

Brian Matusz – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  2nd consecutive solid start from Matusz…And his WHIP is still 1.70.  Ma nish ta no thank you as I pass over him.

Chris Davis – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 5th homer.  See, he’s totally as good as Longoria!  (Or I’m taking my fountain coins back.  All of them Mouth-style.)

J.J. Hardy – 1-for-5 with his 4th homer as he bats .185, which is my weight soaking wet, holding a 20 pound bottle of mayonnaise.

Shin-Soo Choo – Yesterday, Rudy said over IM that he thought they were going to designate for assignment Choo.  Then I remembered his keyboard N doesn’t work.  He meant Chone with an E typo and no N.  Though, DFA’ing Choo didn’t sound as crazy as it should have.  With that said, Choo sat out again yesterday with a tight hamstring and hasn’t played in a week.  If Choo’s hamstrings wrote for Razzball, you’d get a roundup every other week.

Jordan Schafer – Out with an oblique strain.  Just thinking about how weird words are that start with oh-bee.  Oblique, oblong, OB-GYN.  Eh, maybe it’s just me.

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in three games.  When Lowrie gets hot, he gets hot schmotato hot, and when he gets cold, it’s because he’s injured.  WHO!  (While Healthy Own.)

Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-4, I was thinking that his 1-for-3 on Monday might’ve been a sign, but yesterday’s telling me he’s alive.  If an impatient owner dropped him, grab him immediately.  AuShizz is on!

Krispie Young – Took 35 swings yesterday.  Just give me three of your best and get on the field!  Ah fanabla, he’s not due back for a few weeks still.

Trevor Cahill – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His ERA is now at 3.13.  Aren’t you glad you panicked after his last start?

Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-4, 2 runs out of the leadoff spot.  He also got a steal on Sunday.  If you need steals, I could see grabbing him, but once Cain returns (soon) I’m not sure Dyson will play.  Or maybe I’m just not picking up Dyson because I’m chicken.

Jeff Francoeur – 3-for-4, maybe Frenchy is finally coming out of his season long slump.  If he is, could he bring Hosmer with him?  Thank you.

Rick Porcello – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, lowering his ERA to 5.64, and raising his “How many times will someone ask in the comments if they should pick up Porcello” quotient to 6.89.

Mike Carp – Activated from the DL.  94% (no math done) of the outfielders on waivers are the Alex Presley type, which leaves only 17% (still no math) of the outfielders giving power.  So if you’re in the lesser quarter percentile (throwing math out the window at this point), I’d grab Carp, or Crap if you’re kinda dyslexic.

Jesus Montero – 4-for-4 with no runs, RBIs or steals.  The Charley Lau Special!

Michael Saunders – 1-for-4 with his 4th home run.  We actually go over Saunders later on today in the podcast.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Jason Kipnis – 3-for-4 with a SB.  Now has his AVG up to .280 with 3 HR and 5 SB – good for top 5 in the Player Rater for 2B.  We are Kipnissing history.

Ryan Zimmerman – Says he’s going to return on Sunday.  I’ll file that under “I’ll believe it when I see it.”  It’s filed right after, “If there was celery ice cream, I could eat all I want and still lose calories.”

Bryce Harper – Jumped into a pickup softball game yesterday in Washington.  Softball when you’re not old enough to drink?  That sounds terrible!  Somewhere, Matt Stairs is nodding his head yes.

Jose Iglesias – Recalled by the Red Sox to provide depth as Youuuuuuuuk nurses his big-baby-itis.  Iglesias is a good pick up if your league has a Web Gem category.

Gordon Beckham – 3-for-4 including his 1st HR of the year.  One more of those and someone’s gonna have a big boy average (.200+).

Yadier Molina – 2-for-5 with 3 runs and 2 SBs.  Other catchers are having great years but Yadier is #1 on the player rater for catchers and it’s not that close.  He must’ve kept some of Pujols’s mojo.

Cory Luebke- Will be skipped with a sore elbow.   As frequent commenter, royce! said, “With Luebke being hurt, the Padres get to show off their minor league depth and call up… Jeff Suppan?  I’m thinking a sad trombone would work here, but a “trombone being kicked in the nuts” would be more appropriate.”

Jonny Venters – 2/3 IP, 2 ER as he blew Beachy’s quality start (7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks).  Fredi Gonzalez said Venters’s punishment is having to throw another 120 games in a row.

Curtis Granderson – 2-for-3 with his 9th home run.  Okay, but Stanton has 10 RBIs, so there!

Kelly Johnson – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer.  I’ll be honest, I don’t know what every player is currently doing.  Johnson was one of those I wasn’t sure about.  So someone asked if they should drop him the other day and I looked at his stats.  This guy you want to drop?  I’d give you Cano’s stats for Kelly Johnson’s stats right now.  Actually, I’ll give you Longoria, Cano and Stanton’s stats if you want them.  Kelly Johnson has more RBIs than Bautista right now.  Oh, and I like Aaron Hill right now too.  Danny Espinosa, not so much.  He looks like the turd that my ex-girlfriend put in my bed in college.  A story you can read all about in my e-book!

Adam Lind – 0-for-4 with one homer on the year as he bats .203.  This ship sailed and then sunk.

Jemile Weeks – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th steal.  Holding the mirror to his nose, and it faintly fogs up.

Grant Balfour – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and his fifth earned run in his last two appearances.  As the closerousel turns… I’d grab Ryan Cook only because I think Brian Fuentes is bad at, ya know, pitching.

Jarrod Parker – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks in Fenway.  Sonavabench!

Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Only 7 more homers and 27 more RBIs and you will have admirably filled in for Longoria.

Jose Tabata – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  He’s also batting over .350 in the last week.  Hey, Tah-bah-ta, Tah-bah-ta, Tah-bah-ta, swing, Tah-bah-ta!

Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER– Well, whatever.  You can’t own him anywhere.  Take him and Chacin, give them two Entertainment.com coupons to Souplantation and hope they get food poisoning.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer to keep pace with A.J. Ellis.

Heath Bell – Threw the perfect inning for the save, and the closer leash goes out a hair, but remember it’s retractable.

Jerome Williams – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks as he threw a shutout vs. Minnesota.  Nothing gives pitchers the O face like facing Twins.

Torii Hunter – 2-for-2 with his 2nd homer in as many games, equaling the I’s he dots.

Albert Pujols – 0-for-4.  Now being outhomered by Dee Gordon.  Though Dee Gordon’s homer came off his head as Matt Kemp was swinging him.

Peter Bourjos – Benched for the 4th time in 5 games by the Sciosciapath who has decided not to play a struggling prospect with awesome defense in favor of Vernon Wells.  Peter, welcome to the Doghouse That Napoli built.  The Sciosciapath is going at this all wrong.  He should try to one-up his student, Joe “Infield Shift” Maddon, by playing a two man outfield of Bourjos and Trout and then play five infielders.  “Hey, Maicer, you always wondered what UTIL meant?  It means U stand behind second base ‘TIL I tell you to come back to the dugout.”

Mat Gamel – Left yesterday’s game after running into a fence.  This gives me a great idea.  Baseball stadiums should have no fences.  Only players should wear electric shock collars, so when they get to a certain point in foul territory they’re shocked. Problem solved!

Okay, so it’s not the best 2012 fantasy baseball team, but, man, that title sings, right?  This is the best 2012 fantasy baseball team that I can put together when drafting from my top 100 for 2012 fantasy baseball and top 300 for 2012 fantasy baseball.  Honestly, I could draft another 25 teams from those lists, and they’d all be different.  If I took Longoria in the 1st round, everything after it would change.  For this exercise, I’m taking Swiggy first, because, well, I have him first overall.  Then once I take him at number one, I can’t take another player until the 24th pick, then choose two players within the next 24 picks, then 2 players in the next 24 picks and so on until the end of the top 100.  Just like a snake draft.  It would be nice if I was in a league where someone drafted Halladay, Verlander and Kershaw in the first round and I was able to take Longoria in the 2nd round, but since Miggy and him are in my first 10 picks, according to the rules I’ve set up for myself, I can’t take them both.  Then, as we all know, once you get into the 100′s, there’s wide gaps between ADP and where players are actually taken.  People tend to look at team need over value.  So for this exercise, once I get to pick #101, I’m going to pick two players every twenty picks, rather than every 24 picks.  That’s to account for the wide margin between ADP and where players are drafted.  Finally, because there is so much latitude in the last 100, I gave myself free reign to fill up my team.  Throughout the draft, I also gave myself the ability to reach to a lower draft pick, but not reach forward.  It should still be my ideal team… Or not.  Let’s see, shall we?  Bee tee dubya, this team is 5×5, one catcher, 5 OFs, MI, CI, 1 UT, 9 P, 3 Bench, just like the Razzball Commenter Leagues that are signing up still.  Anyway, here’s the best 2012 fantasy baseball team:

C: Joe Mauer (10)

1B:  Miggy Cabrera (1)

2B:  Chase Utley (5)

3B:  David Wright (2)

SS: Dee Gordon (15)

MI: Zack Cozart (16)

CI: Adam Lind (7)

OF:  Jay Bruce (3)

OF: Drew Stubbs (6)

OF: Andre Ethier (8)

OF: Torii Hunter (12)

OF: Lorenzo Cain (17)

UTIL: Chris Heisey (25)

P:  Madison Bumgarner (4)

P: Anibal Sanchez (9)

P: Matt Moore (11)

P: Jhoulys Chacin (13)

P: Ryan Madson (14)

P: Mike Minor (18)

P: Jordan Walden (19)

P: Kyle Farnsworth (20)

P: Brad Peacock (21)

BENCH:

P:  Ted Lilly (22)

P: Jim Johnson (23)

P: Aroldis Chapman (24)

So what do we learn from that in the most general sense?  You don’t have to draft pitchers early.  For those looking at my staff and thinking it won’t compete, my last year’s staff when I did this dream team post was:

P:  Jon Lester (5)

P: Dan Haren (8)

P: John Axford (13)

P: Daniel Hudson (12)

P: Jhoulys Chacin (14)

P: Chris Perez (15)

P: Craig Kimbrel (17)

P: Mike Minor (18)

P: Jordan Zimmermann (19)

BENCH:

P:  Ryan Madson (20)

P: Jason Motte (21)

P: Rafael Soriano (22)

You can switch Mike Minor out of there for Beachy too, because once he was in the rotation I switched the two of them on all of my teams.  As I’ve said in the past, I may not know a damn thing, but I can pick a pitching staff.  Seriously, Lester, Haren, Hudson and Chacin were all you needed.  Then you throw in Beachy, Madson, Kimbrel and Axford and you have 12′s in every pitching category.  And that’s not considering you could’ve dropped Soriano and picked up a great waiver wire guy.  This shows you that you need to really load up on hitters early, because, as much as you like that late-round-flyer man in the 18th round to be your corner guy, it’s probably not gonna work out for you.  Make sure you have at least two outfielders, a 2nd baseman, 3rd baseman and 1st baseman in the first ten rounds.  In my team above, I even reached way down for Ethier in the 8th round because I wanted to make sure I had an extra bat.  Also, I find myself grabbing Mauer this year to offset Stubbs and other average drains.  No one’s getting anything from catcher, so may as well get some average there if he comes at the right price.  I am not reaching for him.  If he’s there in the 9th to 10th rounds, great.  In the end, this really is just an exercise.  It’s fun though!  For me.  So what do you think of my fantasy fantasy team?  Don’t like it?  Go to the top 300 and make up your own fantasy fantasy team and post it in the comments.  Or not.  Decisions, decisions!

With more outfielders than random hairs growing from my grandfather’s ear, we take it to the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  And, just like your grandfather’s ear hair, a lot of these guys are gross.  I don’t know what happened to the outfielders, they just went and got ugly.  You look at Ryan Braun like he ruined your childhood by taking a performance-enhancing drug, but at least he’s trying to put some offense back into the modern-era of baseball.  Now someone start manufacturing aluminum bats painted to look like a wooden bat.  Thank you.  As with the other 2012 fantasy baseball rankings, where tiers start and stop are mentioned and my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:

41. Carlos Beltran – This tier started in the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball and ends at Ichiro.  I called this tier, “Vets that I’m either lukewarm about or slightly more than lukewarm about.  Read the temperature gauge.”  If you get 140 games from Beltran, then you’re going to get a solid 3rd outfielder.  But if that “if” had hips it would drop it like it’s hot and never get up again.  On a side note, how awesome would it be if during Spring Training, the Cards have a split squad game and Wainwright throws Beltran nothing but knee-buckling curves?  2012 Projections:  65/18/80/.275/7

42. Nick Swisher – I’m not super excited about Swisher when I look at his ground ball rate going up and his fly ball rate going down, but I do like his side burns.  If Luke Perry were a ballplayer and I were Jennie Garth and we both hated Shannen Doherty then… Well, I have no idea where this is going so I’ll stop now.  2012 Projections:  80/25/90/.270

43. Carlos Quentin – A guy that has 30 homer power + Injuries + Petco = Death + Breathing.  2012 Projections:  60/22/75/.250/3

44. Ichiro Suzuki – I was telling people to avoid Ichiro for years and it seems like the public perception of him has finally caught up to my reality.  To incorrectly quote Drake’s lyrics, “Ichiro has faded way too long, he’s floatin’ in and out of public consciousness.”  Crazy for me to say, but I think Ichiro is slightly undervalued now.  Is he that different than Brett Gardner?  Yeah, maybe a tad.  Fielders sic Ichiro’s choppers and his gams aren’t what they were, but he doesn’t look done done, just maybe medium done.  2012 Projections:  80/6/40/.310/30

45. Jose Tabata – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Fowler.  I call this tier, “At least two of these guys will break out and shoot up the rankings for 2013.”  Even in his tizzerible 2011 season, Tabata still was on pace for 25+ steals if he got in a full season.  Also, he hit 4 homers.  Is he going to be a 15/40 guy?  Nah, not likely.  But 7/30 with a solid average and runs is… Okay, you know what I’m most worried about.  How am I gonna find players I’m excited about for the top 80 outfielder post?  Seriously, the entire top 80 outfielder post might be just one giant tier of guys I don’t like since I’m only at the 45th ranked outfielder and I’m hardly building much enthusiasm.  This is an issue.  Okay, enough negativism.  Tabata is one of my best bets to shoot up the rankings from this tier.  He has some power, steals bases and isn’t an average drain.  2012 Projections:  90/7/50/.285/30

46. Austin Jackson – Jackson is basically Tabata with the possibility of an average drain.  Jackson’s K-rate is tizzerible so he’ll need to luck into an average over .260.  With Fielder inserted into the Tigers lineup, opposing pitchers will have to attack the first two hitters in the Tigers lineup.  Keep that in mind when you read Boesch’s blurb, I may or may not repeat it.  You’ll have to wait and see!  2012 Projections:  100/9/50/.260/27

47. Delmon Young – Let’s see what Young has going for him.  1) He was good after his trade to the Tigers. 2) He’s out of Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome.  3) He’s still only 26 years old.  4) There’s no 4.  5) He can fling a bat at an ump better than most.  Now, let’s see what he has going against him.  1) 4 of 5 seasons in the majors have been yawnstipating.  2) Blimpotence. 3) A hideous walk rate. 4) Still no 4.  5) He can fling a bat at an ump better than most.  2012 Projections:  70/17/80/.285/3

48. Cameron Maybin – Some may say that Maybin already broke out last year, so why is he so low on my rankings?  Some may be right, but you want to rely on Padres hitters?  Yeah, me neither.  Put Maybin on the Rockies and I’d have him in the top 25 outfielders.  2012 Projections:  75/7/35/.255/30

49. Lorenzo Cain – From this tier, Cain has the most upside, but he also has the most downside.  I mean, he’s gonna be 26 years old and he’s still yet to break into the majors.  Capricorns are late bloomers, but Cain is an Aries so I have no New Agey reason why he’s looking like a career minor leaguer.  But if I needed to shoehorn in a New Agey reason… An Aries is a Ram, it’s quality is a Cardinal and it’s element is Fire.  So it seems like Cain should play for the St. Louis Cardinals with their fire-red uniforms, but his planet is Mars, which has “ram” in it backwards.  Now the opposite of fire-red is ice blue and if you face St. Louis behind you is Kansas City.  So this is his year!   As of right now, he’s set to play center in Kay Cee and bat leadoff.  The table has been set, now it’s up to Cain to step up to the plate.  2012 Projections:  80/8/50/.280/25

50. Lucas Duda – This is more of a general point for upside outfielders than specifically about Duda.  The lack of enthusiasm you hear in my typees as I write up these blurbs is that some of these upside outfielders are on the Pirates, Padres, Royals and Mets.  Um, yay?  I’m not a Mets hater as some have accused me of, but Metco has a well-warranted bad rep.  Maybe the fences coming in will change all of that and we’ll be calling for a humidor in Metco.  One can hope, I suppose.  2012 Projections:  75/20/85/.280/3 (<–optimistic and still kinda whatever)

51. Brennan Boesch – If Boesch gets in a whole season, he could get you 25 homers and 10 steals.  Assuming he doesn’t take a dump in the 2nd half of the year or get injured.  To summarize what I said about twelve words ago in Spanglish, sin dumpo o mal healtho, then bueno.  2012 Projections:  90/20/70/.270/7

52. Dexter Fowler – One year with the Rockies, he stole 27 bags.  One year in the minors, he hit 9 homers.  Mark him down as a sleeper and move on (without mentioning he was caught stealing nine times last year and only successful 12 times).  Hey, it took me saying Maybin was a sleeper for 3 years before he finally broke out, maybe this is Fowler’s time.  You know, even a broken clock is right twice a day.  That’s more than Matthew Berry.  2012 Projections:  90/7/50/.270/20

53. Jeff Francoeur – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Joyce.  I call this tier, “Price is too steep for guys coming off career years so I’m probably going to miss out on these schmohawks.”  22 steals last year while being caught 10 times is, how do they say it?  Terrible.  So put that back to the 5-7 steals that he’s actually good for and you have a guy that has worse plate discipline than someone on The Biggest Loser with the upside of Vernon Wells.  Yes, his ceiling is Vernon Wells.  Sorry for the shot of reality.  2012 Projections:  70/22/80/.260/7

54. Melky Cabrera – Another guy with the caught stealing percentage that could even turn Joe Morgan against the steal.  Can we please get Michael Lewis to write a Dayton Moore book?  Call it “No Moneyball.”  Chapter 1:  Willie Bloomquist, Chief Justice of the Supreme Crap.  Chapter 2:  Stealing — If At First You Don’t Succeed, Try and Try Again.  2012 Projections:  75/14/65/.270/15

55. Matt Joyce – He hit 12 homers in the first half with a May where he donged 7 dingers.  I loved him then.  It was like a shawl made of a giant mustache wrapped around both of our shoulders as we watched When Harry Met Sally in an outdoor screening in a park.  There’s a very outside chance I end up with Matt Joyce on a team or two this year if he goes for cheap enough.  I don’t think he comes close to his 2011, but if he can start the year hot again, then maybe you can get a couple months of production and flip him for a Brain Freeze.  2012 Projections: 55/17/65/.265/10

56. Brandon Belt – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the top 80 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “You may get a top 20 outfielder from any of these guys.  Or a guy you want to drop by April 15th.”  I went over Brandon Belt’s projections in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

57. Eric Thames – With a full season of at-bats, Thames stands to have a huge break out…Or he’ll hit 20 homers and .250.  Right now, he’s in the 2 hole — not that there’s anything wrong with being in the two hole — while Rasmus is in the 7 hole.  Heresy!   Blasphemy!  Other words in the thesaurus!  I imagine Rasmus and Thames will flip-flop by May at the latest, possibly as soon as Opening Day.  Either the hoo, we’re just talking about runs vs. RBIs…Or are we?!  Yeah, we probably are, but Thames may see better pitches in the two hole.  It’s worth noting, so I did.  Worth Noting, II:  The Return of Worth Noting, the Blue Jays have, like, a dozen outfielders.  I like Thames for power, which is also called hydroelectricity.  Al Gore invented that.  After the internet.  2012 Projections:  70/20/75/.255/5

58. Yonder Alonso – Went over my Alonso projections in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

59. Nolan Reimold – I already went over my Nolan Reimold 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it prior to the O’s being boneheads and getting Betemit.  Play some Bruno Mars in the O’s front office and send in Tyler the Creator to kill everyone.  I think Reimold will still get his 500 ABs because Betemit will play some 3rd, isn’t an everyday player and Chris Davis is at 1st.  Only people that know how well Davis will do at 1st is your deity of choice and Bill James, which might be the same thing in some circles. (Which should not to be confused with Google Circles.  BTW, if Google+’s whole point was to see how fast people will abandon a social networking site, it’s a success.)  2012 Projections:  65/24/80/.250/10

60. Roger Bernadina – If I didn’t get burned by Bernadina last year, he might’ve showed up higher on these rankings.  Ooh, hold on, someone’s knocking on my door.  “Hey, it’s Excitement For Bernadina here.  I just moved into the building and wanted to say you shouldn’t give up hope on Bernadina.  He should be starting this year.”  Me, “The Nats sent Bernadina down last year and decided to start Brian Bixler.  If you know who Brian Bixler is, you’re related to him.”  Excitement For Bernadina, “I know, that was a tough blow.”  Me, “Blow?  Sending down Bernadina and starting Bixler was the equivalent of Bixler taking a bat and hitting Bernadina in the balls – assuming Bixler would actually make contact.”  Excitement For Bernadina, “I appreciate you, Grey Albright.  Please give Bernadina another chance.  Us Excitement For Bernadina’s have to stick together.  By the way, did you see a package from Amazon by my door?  It’s missing.”  Me, “Nope.”  2012 Projections:  55/10/65/.260/20