Fantasy Baseball Advice

With more outfielders than random hairs growing from my grandfather’s ear, we take it to the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  And, just like your grandfather’s ear hair, a lot of these guys are gross.  I don’t know what happened to the outfielders, they just went and got ugly.  You look at Ryan Braun like he ruined your childhood by taking a performance-enhancing drug, but at least he’s trying to put some offense back into the modern-era of baseball.  Now someone start manufacturing aluminum bats painted to look like a wooden bat.  Thank you.  As with the other 2012 fantasy baseball rankings, where tiers start and stop are mentioned and my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:

41. Carlos Beltran – This tier started in the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball and ends at Ichiro.  I called this tier, “Vets that I’m either lukewarm about or slightly more than lukewarm about.  Read the temperature gauge.”  If you get 140 games from Beltran, then you’re going to get a solid 3rd outfielder.  But if that “if” had hips it would drop it like it’s hot and never get up again.  On a side note, how awesome would it be if during Spring Training, the Cards have a split squad game and Wainwright throws Beltran nothing but knee-buckling curves?  2012 Projections:  65/18/80/.275/7

42. Nick Swisher – I’m not super excited about Swisher when I look at his ground ball rate going up and his fly ball rate going down, but I do like his side burns.  If Luke Perry were a ballplayer and I were Jennie Garth and we both hated Shannen Doherty then… Well, I have no idea where this is going so I’ll stop now.  2012 Projections:  80/25/90/.270

43. Carlos Quentin – A guy that has 30 homer power + Injuries + Petco = Death + Breathing.  2012 Projections:  60/22/75/.250/3

44. Ichiro Suzuki – I was telling people to avoid Ichiro for years and it seems like the public perception of him has finally caught up to my reality.  To incorrectly quote Drake’s lyrics, “Ichiro has faded way too long, he’s floatin’ in and out of public consciousness.”  Crazy for me to say, but I think Ichiro is slightly undervalued now.  Is he that different than Brett Gardner?  Yeah, maybe a tad.  Fielders sic Ichiro’s choppers and his gams aren’t what they were, but he doesn’t look done done, just maybe medium done.  2012 Projections:  80/6/40/.310/30

45. Jose Tabata – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Fowler.  I call this tier, “At least two of these guys will break out and shoot up the rankings for 2013.”  Even in his tizzerible 2011 season, Tabata still was on pace for 25+ steals if he got in a full season.  Also, he hit 4 homers.  Is he going to be a 15/40 guy?  Nah, not likely.  But 7/30 with a solid average and runs is… Okay, you know what I’m most worried about.  How am I gonna find players I’m excited about for the top 80 outfielder post?  Seriously, the entire top 80 outfielder post might be just one giant tier of guys I don’t like since I’m only at the 45th ranked outfielder and I’m hardly building much enthusiasm.  This is an issue.  Okay, enough negativism.  Tabata is one of my best bets to shoot up the rankings from this tier.  He has some power, steals bases and isn’t an average drain.  2012 Projections:  90/7/50/.285/30

46. Austin Jackson – Jackson is basically Tabata with the possibility of an average drain.  Jackson’s K-rate is tizzerible so he’ll need to luck into an average over .260.  With Fielder inserted into the Tigers lineup, opposing pitchers will have to attack the first two hitters in the Tigers lineup.  Keep that in mind when you read Boesch’s blurb, I may or may not repeat it.  You’ll have to wait and see!  2012 Projections:  100/9/50/.260/27

47. Delmon Young – Let’s see what Young has going for him.  1) He was good after his trade to the Tigers. 2) He’s out of Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome.  3) He’s still only 26 years old.  4) There’s no 4.  5) He can fling a bat at an ump better than most.  Now, let’s see what he has going against him.  1) 4 of 5 seasons in the majors have been yawnstipating.  2) Blimpotence. 3) A hideous walk rate. 4) Still no 4.  5) He can fling a bat at an ump better than most.  2012 Projections:  70/17/80/.285/3

48. Cameron Maybin – Some may say that Maybin already broke out last year, so why is he so low on my rankings?  Some may be right, but you want to rely on Padres hitters?  Yeah, me neither.  Put Maybin on the Rockies and I’d have him in the top 25 outfielders.  2012 Projections:  75/7/35/.255/30

49. Lorenzo Cain – From this tier, Cain has the most upside, but he also has the most downside.  I mean, he’s gonna be 26 years old and he’s still yet to break into the majors.  Capricorns are late bloomers, but Cain is an Aries so I have no New Agey reason why he’s looking like a career minor leaguer.  But if I needed to shoehorn in a New Agey reason… An Aries is a Ram, it’s quality is a Cardinal and it’s element is Fire.  So it seems like Cain should play for the St. Louis Cardinals with their fire-red uniforms, but his planet is Mars, which has “ram” in it backwards.  Now the opposite of fire-red is ice blue and if you face St. Louis behind you is Kansas City.  So this is his year!   As of right now, he’s set to play center in Kay Cee and bat leadoff.  The table has been set, now it’s up to Cain to step up to the plate.  2012 Projections:  80/8/50/.280/25

50. Lucas Duda – This is more of a general point for upside outfielders than specifically about Duda.  The lack of enthusiasm you hear in my typees as I write up these blurbs is that some of these upside outfielders are on the Pirates, Padres, Royals and Mets.  Um, yay?  I’m not a Mets hater as some have accused me of, but Metco has a well-warranted bad rep.  Maybe the fences coming in will change all of that and we’ll be calling for a humidor in Metco.  One can hope, I suppose.  2012 Projections:  75/20/85/.280/3 (<–optimistic and still kinda whatever)

51. Brennan Boesch – If Boesch gets in a whole season, he could get you 25 homers and 10 steals.  Assuming he doesn’t take a dump in the 2nd half of the year or get injured.  To summarize what I said about twelve words ago in Spanglish, sin dumpo o mal healtho, then bueno.  2012 Projections:  90/20/70/.270/7

52. Dexter Fowler – One year with the Rockies, he stole 27 bags.  One year in the minors, he hit 9 homers.  Mark him down as a sleeper and move on (without mentioning he was caught stealing nine times last year and only successful 12 times).  Hey, it took me saying Maybin was a sleeper for 3 years before he finally broke out, maybe this is Fowler’s time.  You know, even a broken clock is right twice a day.  That’s more than Matthew Berry.  2012 Projections:  90/7/50/.270/20

53. Jeff Francoeur – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Joyce.  I call this tier, “Price is too steep for guys coming off career years so I’m probably going to miss out on these schmohawks.”  22 steals last year while being caught 10 times is, how do they say it?  Terrible.  So put that back to the 5-7 steals that he’s actually good for and you have a guy that has worse plate discipline than someone on The Biggest Loser with the upside of Vernon Wells.  Yes, his ceiling is Vernon Wells.  Sorry for the shot of reality.  2012 Projections:  70/22/80/.260/7

54. Melky Cabrera – Another guy with the caught stealing percentage that could even turn Joe Morgan against the steal.  Can we please get Michael Lewis to write a Dayton Moore book?  Call it “No Moneyball.”  Chapter 1:  Willie Bloomquist, Chief Justice of the Supreme Crap.  Chapter 2:  Stealing — If At First You Don’t Succeed, Try and Try Again.  2012 Projections:  75/14/65/.270/15

55. Matt Joyce – He hit 12 homers in the first half with a May where he donged 7 dingers.  I loved him then.  It was like a shawl made of a giant mustache wrapped around both of our shoulders as we watched When Harry Met Sally in an outdoor screening in a park.  There’s a very outside chance I end up with Matt Joyce on a team or two this year if he goes for cheap enough.  I don’t think he comes close to his 2011, but if he can start the year hot again, then maybe you can get a couple months of production and flip him for a Brain Freeze.  2012 Projections: 55/17/65/.265/10

56. Brandon Belt – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the top 80 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “You may get a top 20 outfielder from any of these guys.  Or a guy you want to drop by April 15th.”  I went over Brandon Belt’s projections in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

57. Eric Thames – With a full season of at-bats, Thames stands to have a huge break out…Or he’ll hit 20 homers and .250.  Right now, he’s in the 2 hole — not that there’s anything wrong with being in the two hole — while Rasmus is in the 7 hole.  Heresy!   Blasphemy!  Other words in the thesaurus!  I imagine Rasmus and Thames will flip-flop by May at the latest, possibly as soon as Opening Day.  Either the hoo, we’re just talking about runs vs. RBIs…Or are we?!  Yeah, we probably are, but Thames may see better pitches in the two hole.  It’s worth noting, so I did.  Worth Noting, II:  The Return of Worth Noting, the Blue Jays have, like, a dozen outfielders.  I like Thames for power, which is also called hydroelectricity.  Al Gore invented that.  After the internet.  2012 Projections:  70/20/75/.255/5

58. Yonder Alonso – Went over my Alonso projections in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

59. Nolan Reimold – I already went over my Nolan Reimold 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it prior to the O’s being boneheads and getting Betemit.  Play some Bruno Mars in the O’s front office and send in Tyler the Creator to kill everyone.  I think Reimold will still get his 500 ABs because Betemit will play some 3rd, isn’t an everyday player and Chris Davis is at 1st.  Only people that know how well Davis will do at 1st is your deity of choice and Bill James, which might be the same thing in some circles. (Which should not to be confused with Google Circles.  BTW, if Google+’s whole point was to see how fast people will abandon a social networking site, it’s a success.)  2012 Projections:  65/24/80/.250/10

60. Roger Bernadina – If I didn’t get burned by Bernadina last year, he might’ve showed up higher on these rankings.  Ooh, hold on, someone’s knocking on my door.  “Hey, it’s Excitement For Bernadina here.  I just moved into the building and wanted to say you shouldn’t give up hope on Bernadina.  He should be starting this year.”  Me, “The Nats sent Bernadina down last year and decided to start Brian Bixler.  If you know who Brian Bixler is, you’re related to him.”  Excitement For Bernadina, “I know, that was a tough blow.”  Me, “Blow?  Sending down Bernadina and starting Bixler was the equivalent of Bixler taking a bat and hitting Bernadina in the balls – assuming Bixler would actually make contact.”  Excitement For Bernadina, “I appreciate you, Grey Albright.  Please give Bernadina another chance.  Us Excitement For Bernadina’s have to stick together.  By the way, did you see a package from Amazon by my door?  It’s missing.”  Me, “Nope.”  2012 Projections:  55/10/65/.260/20

After the top 20 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball, guess what we have here?  The top something-something’s? Cute, random italicized voice.  We have the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  That’s right, Wonderful just gave birth to Awesome.  Wanna hear something even awesomier?  I’m going to turn this to 60 then 80.  Hopefully I don’t blow my amp.  The hardest part about writing these 2012 fantasy baseball rankings posts is writing this opening.  Trying to make the clerical stuff sound less clerical, ya know?  So I just copied the openings from previous years where applicable.  As with other rankings, where I see tiers beginning and ending are mentioned along with my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:

21. Krispie Young – This tier started in the top 20 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This tier goes from here until Kendrick.  I call this tier, “I’ll happily reach for one of these guys if I have to, in the non-sexual way.  Though it’s kinda sad this is the third tier of outfielders that I’m excited about.  Times is tough, yo.”  Krispie is another guy that I kinda wanted to move to another tier and he’s even pretty far below Stubbs (though it sure doesn’t seem that way in these rankings).  What Krispie has going for him that Beej and Stubbs don’t is 25-plus homer power.  He’s pretty seriously deficient in average though, and when I’m saying that compared to Stubbs and Upton, it’s saying something.  Grey said, “Something.”  See?  2012 Projections:  85/25/80/.235/25

22. Jason Heyward – This is probably the furthest I’m out on a limb with an outfielder.  He could be a worse pick than Markakis.  Last year Heyward hurt his shoulder, then Glass Chipper started questioning his manhood even though Chipper invented the oblique just so he could miss 40 games a year.  Heyward’s BABIP was obscenely low so he should hit at least 40 points higher without much effort.  Hitting for a better average with a healthier shoulder should help him build confidence, move him up in the order and hit for more power.  You could blend those variables together and you may end up with a wheatgrass/kale antioxidant health drink that is supposed to be good for you but just makes you want to vomit.  If at any point in the spring there’s news that his shoulder is still bothering him, I’ll drop him way down in the rankings.  2012 Projections:  80/22/90/.280/10

23. Howie Kendrick – I went over Kendrick’s projections in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

24. Shin-Soo Choo – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Gordon.  I call this tier, “I could see myself missing out on these guys because others are believing them more than me.” Most ‘perts are looking at Choo’s 2011 as an aberration.  That wasn’t Soo Choo, that was Soju.  An Asian flush with bad luck.  So last year he had a .317 BABIP (off his career rate, but not really that terrible), a 1o.4% HR/FB (again, not hideous), a 10.1% walk rate (not bad) and a 21.8% K-rate (around his career rate).  He missed a bunch of games because of injury.  If he’s healthy, he’s back to the 17-20 homer, 17-20 steal guy.  Yay.  I don’t know; it’s all right.  I’m not excited to draft him.  2012 Projections:  80/17/85/.280/17

25. Carl Crawford – Last year, things started poorly and went from bad to Mad Libs in the cliche.  Slumps get into guys’ heads and if there isn’t a big girl around to have sex with that slump can last longer than anyone wants.  I’m willing to ignore last year.  Really, I am.  Then the wrist surgery this offseason.  Damn, that wrist got me pist.  Red Sox are reporting he should be ready for Opening Day.  I’m reporting he’s going to miss a month.  There’s a small silver lining.  His wrists aren’t his legs.  Hey, I should’ve gotten better than a C in Human Anatomy!  If he falls, I could see gambling on him, but it’s probably not going to happen if you follow my rankings.  2012 Projections:  75/10/70/.280/30

26. Alex Gordon – Here’s what I said at the end of last year for Gordon, “Gordon’s line this year was 101/23/87/.303/17.  Terrific!  Wonderful!  Tonderific!  But if you peek under the hood, things aren’t as they seem.  His BABIP is .358, easily a career high in the majors.  His walk rate and line drive rate dropped from last year, and his ground ball rate nudged up.  His homers and speed look about right, but if luck goes against him those two categories could get affected.  He’s probably much closer to a .280 hitter with 17-20 homers and 12-15 steals.  With just a tad bad luck, he becomes a fifteen homer guy with 10 steals and a .265 average.  That’s far from spectacular.  That’s spectaculess.  I just made that up; you like it?  You use it.”  And that’s me quoting me!  2012 Projections:  85/20/100/.280/12

27. Brett Gardner – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Rasmus.  I call this tier, “I’m targeting these guys for my teams.  They might all end up getting sleeper posts.  You’ve been forewarned.  (Bee tee dubya, the projections in this tier are a bit optimistic, but I’m sick of hiding my excitement.  Let me free-ball and show you my love!)”  I’m unabashedly a fan of Gardner, which makes very little sense if you’ve read this site for an extended period of time because usually I ignore SAGNOF’ers and just grab one later or off waivers.  To me, Gardner is underrated, which is odd because Yankees are usually overrated.  Gardner is just an enigma wrapped inside a riddle inside a fortune cookie that reads, “Person who sleeps with scratchy rear wakes with smelly finger.” 2012 Projections:  105/8/50/.280/50

28. Jayson Werth – Ponder this, guys and three girl readers, is Werth that different from Corey Hart?  Okay, stop pondering it, your eyes are crossing.  He’s not hitting 35+ homers again like he used to in Citizens Flank, but he should also be better than last year and the Nats offense is looking solid.  Yeah, I know how weird that sounds.  Don’t point out the obvious.  2012 Projections:  75/22/90/.265/15

29. Logan Morrison – His Isolated Power was .221.  Dan Uggla’s was .220.  Paul Konerko’s .217.  Jay Bruce’s .217.  Logan Morrison only hit 23 homers last year.  He missed almost 40 games last year because of injuries and his inability to put the cone of silence on his Twitter account.  He’ll only be 24 years old for the better part of 2012 and the Miami Marlins revamped their lineup by throwing some fabulous moolah around for a World Series ring.   2012 Projections:  60/25/75/.270/5

30. Michael Cuddyer – Went over Cuddyer’s projections in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

31. Peter Bourjos – What does it mean that Bourjos is ranked this high?  It means we’re all screwed.  Sorry, don’t mean to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but outfield is shallower than a conversation with a Kardashian.  I already went over my Bourjos 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it while refusing to eat at Subway because it reeks of onions.  2012 Projections: 85/15/50/.255/35

32. Alex Rios – I wrote an Alex Rios 2012 fantasy post.  It pained me to write that post and I hope you forgive me but I felt like it needed to be said.  Now please forget the apology if I’m right or forget that I wrote the post if I’m wrong.  Thanks, over-the-internet friend!  2012 Projections:  75/17/85/.270/22

33. Colby Rasmus – I’m out on serious limbs with some the players’ rankings in this tier.  Just when you thought I was totally out of my gourd with my Rios ranking, here’s Rasmus about 35 spots ahead of where I see some other ‘perts ranking him.  The key thing with drafting is you are drafting for the upcoming year, don’t try and put together a team that would’ve kicked serious booty while bagging last year’s doubloons.  That’s not going to win you something, but hopefully I just learned you something.  Hey, that sounds like a rhyme Pitbull would make.  Blah blah blah Kodak, blah blah blah Kodak.  2012 Projections:  85/22/70/.265/10

34. Corey Hart – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Ethier.  I call this tier, “I’ll reluctantly draft these guys, but I’d rather not.”  On first glance, Corey Hart’s season last year looks okay.  On second glance, his 2010 season of 31 homer, 7 steal 2010 and 2011 of 26/7 look remarkably similar — he simply had 15 less games last year.  On third glance, you see his fly ball rate plummeted and start to think his homer per fly ball rate is unsustainable.  On fourth glance, you start to wonder why you’re looking at Corey Hart’s numbers four times.  On fifth glance, there is no fifth glance.  On sixth glance, you think about how he may not break 75 runs or RBIs without Prince Fielder, fifty games of The Hebrew Herpes and the invariably injured Weeks.  On seventh glance, you accidentally hypnotize yourself and begin to cluck like a chicken in front of an audience of strangers.  2012 Projections:  75/24/70/.265/8

35. Nick Markakis – The last four years his homer totals have been 20, 18, 12, 15.  One of these years he may stand up and say he is Sparkakis, but until then I don’t care to gamble on a guy that is averaging 16 1/4 homers a year.  I mean, who ever even heard of quarter homers?  Those are singles, Nick.  Elevate the ball.  2012 Projections:  80/18/85/.295/10

36. Ben Zobrist – Went over Zobrist’s projections at the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball post.

37. Andre Ethier – This tier that I’m planning on missing makes an already shallow outfield that much more shallow.  I get that.  That’s why I named this tier, “I’ll reluctantly draft…”  I don’t like Ethier, but I can’t turn my nose up at dozens of guys this year.  I don’t buy into Ethier bouncing back to being a top 20 outfielder.  I say if you draft him, you’re going to get a top 30 outfielder at best.  That means he’s ranked near his ceiling.  Opportunity costs will probably have me looking elsewhere.  Hypothetical things that have no weight need to be weighed.  It’s all very scientific.  2012 Projections:  70/22/85/.295

38. Ryan Braun – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until here.  I call this tier, “Herpes or bust.”  Ryan Braun was either taking medication that he bought from a farmacia in Tijuana to suppress the cold sores he contracted from his Affliction t-shirts which triggered a positive drug test or he bought a performance-enhancing drug from that same Tijuana farmacia.  Your guess = my guess.  For further reading on the subject, check Google images for “Braun junk pictures” or read my Braun 2012 fantasy.  2012 Projections:  55/20/70/.280/12

39. Torii Hunter – This is a new tier.  This tier ends at Vernon Wells then starts again in the top 60 for 2012 fantasy baseball so I can sneak in the SAGNOF tier.  I call this tier, “Vets that I’m either lukewarm about or slightly more than lukewarm about.  Read the temperature gauge.”  The guys in this tier are mostly okay, unless you draft your team then get in a DeLorean and play out your fantasy league in 2004.  Then they’re awesome!  Maybe one of the guys in this tier has a Lance Berkman 2011 year.  There always seems to be one, but don’t say you know which guy it is — someone might be listening.  If I had to bet on a surprising year from one vet, I’d go with Torii Hunter.  Lineup’s going to be the best he’s had in a while and he can lamp in the outfield.  Will he definitely surprise like that doode from Community coming out with one of the best albums of 2011?  Nah, but the Torii Hunter gambino won’t cost you much.  2012 Projections:  80/24/90/.270/7

40. Vernon Wells – Cause crazy talk isn’t just something that I reserve for Alex Rios, I also wrote a Vernon Wells sleeper post.  No, there will be no sleeper post about Todd Helton, but that’s funny and sarcastic.  You’re a double threat!  2012 Projections:  75/25/85/.260/8

40 1/16. Michael Bourn – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of this post.  I call this tier, “SAGNOF!”  I just throw all these schmohawk steals guys in the same tier, because, well, frankly, interjection, they’re the same shizz.  Bourn gets you nothing but steals.  If you think that’s a smart way to build a team, I got a Lorenzo Cain, Michael Brantley or yadda³ off waivers that says you should follow the SAGNOF theorem of evolution that says these guys ain’t got no face.  Double negatives being damned, and all.  2012 Projections:  90/2/40/.280/50

40 1/8. Emilio Bonifacio – I went over Bonifacio’s projections in the top 20 shortstops for 2012 fantasy baseball.

40 1/4. Coco Crisp – Coco Crisp could be a cheap Brett Gardner.  Yes, I’m being cereal.  2012 Projections:  65/7/50/.260/35

40 what/fraction-is-this? Nyjer Morgan – Or should I say Tony Plush?  I could see a scenario where Morgan gets confused by not seeing Fielder and Braun and steals two bases in one inning for two different teams.  Sorta like a Joel Youngblood move, only crazier.  2012 Projections:  65/3/30/.270/27

40 3/4. Juan Pierre – Doesn’t have a team yet, but if he gets an everyday job then he’ll give you the usual.  If you don’t know what Juan Pierre gives you fantasy-wise, I have a copper-plated zinc portrait of Lincoln to sell you for $19.99.  2012 Projections:  85/1/40/.285/30

40 7/8. Rajai Davis – Doesn’t have a starting job right now, but didn’t last year and stole 34 bases.  Nothing like a basestealer that has a walk rate under 5%.  Rajai, you can’t steal first base, but you can throw your elbow into a pitch or two.  Keep that in mind.  2012 Projections:  40/1/20/.260/30

Alex Gordon and Jeff Francoeur were shut down for the year because the peasant Royals want to give Lorenzo Cain and Jarrod Dyson a full three days to show their worth.  Gordon’s line this year was 101/23/87/.303/17.  Terrific!  Wonderful!  Tonderific!  But if you peak under the hood, things aren’t as they seem.  His BABIP is .358, easily a career high in the majors.  His walk rate and line drive rate dropped from last year, and his ground ball rate nudged up.  His homers and speed look about right, but if luck goes against him those two categories could get affected.  He’s probably much closer to a .280 hitter with 17-20 homers and 12-15 steals.  With just a tad bad luck, he becomes a fifteen homer guy with 10 steals and a .265 average.  That’s far from spectacular.  That’s spectaculess.  I just made that up; you like it?  You use it.  As for Frenchy, his line was 77/20/87/.285/22.  Oh, well, that looks pretty normal– Wait a second, 22 steals?!  Where the eff in the effhole did those come from?  His previous high was 8.  He always failed to take pitches like he needed some ADHD medicine, but now he’s running the bases like it too.  “Sorry, first base coach, whatever your name is, can’t stay at 1st, gotta run, peace!”  That’s Frenchy, and he can’t even stop for a period at the end of sentences; he only has time for commas.  He’s always been a notorious bad ball hitter.  This year Frenchy swung at 41% of balls outside the strike zone, which is actually high for him, and his percentage of balls swung at inside the strike zone was actually down.  Only thing that changed this year, he made more contact with pitches outside of the strike zone.  If that stops along with his whacked out of his mind stealing, he may use 2012 to revert to his old ways, so it’ll be hard to give Frenchy my arrondissement.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the roundup, I just wanted to announce a very good friend of mine is putting on a one man show in Los Angeles.  If you go see the play, you may just run into yours truly and my significant other — my mustache.  If you can’t make it to Los Angeles or if you’re in Los Angeles but afraid to leave your house, you can buy his book.  Anyway II, the roundup:

Hunter Pence – 3-for-5 with his 21st homer.  Hey, that homer can drink legally!  After Pence sat out for three games with a sore knee, it was good to see him return, unless you had him on your bench like I did.  Sonavabench!

Jacoby Ellsbury – Hit his 29th, 30th and 31st home runs yesterday.  For the Sox’s sake, it’s too bad he can’t pitch.

Francisco Liriano – 1/3 IP, 5 ER in middle relief.  How’d he go from one of the best arms in the game to mop up duty?  When Dr. James Andrews tells people 9 out of 10 pitchers agree with the good doctor, I think I know which one doesn’t agree.  “I feel like Bruno Mars’s forehead, big and empty!”  That’s Liriano talking through a translator.

Wilson Ramos – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in his last three starts.  I specify his last three starts, because the Nats have been sitting him every other game.  It’s really important to get at-bats for Pudge, whose nickname wasn’t always ironic, and Jesus Flores?  Rhetorical!

Stephen Strasburg – Nats announced he would have an innings limit next year.  The GM said that innings limit has been semi-calculated.  The equation he used was pretty straightforward:  A Reinjured Strasburg = No Job.

Wade Davis – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Nice end to what’s been a pretty terrible season.  His K-rate was atrocious and it wasn’t like he was getting unlucky with his 4.45 ERA.  Usually the third year a starter is in the majors is when their breakthrough comes, which next year will be for Davis, but I don’t have high hopes here.

Jason Bay – Didn’t play Sunday and was pulled from Saturday’s game because of illness.  Illness sounds like it should be managing the Mets.

Nolan Reimold – 2-for-4 with his fourth homer in the last ten games; also he’s hitting .300 over the last week.  He’s either hitting really well recently, or it’s an illusion to get people to draft him again next year.

Robert Andino – 1-for-2 with a steal.  After 136 games, he has 13 steals with 4 coming in the last week.  I don’t get that.  Did he just suddenly realize he’s fast?  Was he auditing a summer class from the University of Phoenix on base stealing and he just passed?  If you have speed, then run.

Brian Matusz – 5 IP, 6 ER.  On the year, he gave up 59 earned runs in… Guess how many innings.  Wait for it… Here it comes… Wait, where did I put it?… How did it end up in my glove compartment?  Anyway, in 49 2/3 innings.  That gives him the worst single-season ERA in MLB history (10.69).  On the bright side, for the record he beat Halladay’s 10.64 ERA of 2000.  Then again, Halladay was throwing with his left hand that season.

Grady Sizemore – Shut down for the year.  Backdate that to the moment his flash went off in front of a mirror.  Use any definition of the word flash you’d like.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Left Saturday’s game with an elbow contusion and didn’t play Sunday.  On a side note, I think Asdrubal should follow Ichiro’s lead and have just Asdrubal on his jersey.  Imagine parents taking their kids to a game and covering their eyes when they see Asdrubal.

Shelley Duncan – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer in September.  I feel sorry for all those that had to high-five him during his torrid month.  He’s always so intense.  Here’s him at a post-game press conference.

Felix Hernandez – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks and was pulled from the game after being hit by a comebacker.  Over the winter, I want a 500 word essay from him about what he did this summer that made me no longer love him.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit a homer in his third straight game, then left due to lightheadedness.  After the game, he said he prefers Amstel Light-headedness.

Matt Holliday – 2-for-7 over the weekend as he returned.  La Russa, wearing a jacket made from veggie burgers, said as long as Holliday’s healthy, he’s going to be out there.  Now it’s a judgment call whether you should play him.  I wouldn’t necessarily go back to him if I had options that were hitting.

Jose Bautista – After crashing into a wall, he stayed in the game for five innings only to then leave with a knee injury.  I think he should be fine.  My mom was right, I could’ve been a doctor.  “But, mom, there’s a whole lot more zeroes in blogging.  Though that’s not zeroes as in money.”

Brett Cecil -  3 1/3 IP, 4 ER and ends the year with a 4.73 ERA and 1.33 WHIP.  Somehow, I’ll find a way to make him seem attractive yet again next year; you just wait and see!

Carlos Gonzalez – As reported here first on Friday after inferring shizz from other sources, CarGo is done for the year.  As I said in the preseason, “He’s a bumps-and-bruises, miss-a-few-days-here-and-there type guy.  Those day-to-day things can turn into more.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.   Don’t mess with The ‘Noff.

Josh Willingham – 1-for-4 with his 28th homer.  I’d put $5 on The Other White Meat getting to 30 homers, if I were a betting man.  Okay, if I were a betting man on things I actually know and not just random rolls of a die.

Torii Hunter – 1-for-3 with a steal yesterday, and a homer on Friday and Saturday.  Not the same homer, that would be weird.

Vernon Wells – Slam & legs yesterday and 4 homers in the last 8 games.  You looking at his 25 homers and 9 steals on the year, “Hey, Vernon Wells had a good year?  Who knew?”  You looking at his average, “He hit .220?  Crimey a river, Justin Timberlake.”

Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4 with his 30th homer and 101st RBI while hitting .293.  I don’t get it, is he gonna try to renegotiate his contract?

Ian Kinsler – 3-for-4, 3 runs and a homer and two steals.  Totally just padding his stats to get to 30/30 and I love it.  This is why all players should have to own themselves in an H2H league with 50% of their contract in their fantasy league pot.  I wonder if the union will go for it.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games, and he’s 7 for his last 13.  Can you tell I don’t want the season to end?  This is like the longest roundup ever.  Bonifacio is hot, moving on…

Ricky Nolasco – 2 IP, 6 ER.  Ends the season with a 4.67 ERA.  Somehow, he’ll be hyped again next year by everyone but me.  “Hey, ESPN analcyst here, and I want you to look at Nolasco’s strikeout to walk ratio.  He’s awesome!”

Clayton Kershaw – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks and his 21st win to go along with his 2.28 ERA, 0.98 WHIP and 248 Ks.  Even with an injured knee, that had Ethier dancing.

Justin Upton – Left the game after being hit in the head by a Lincecum fastball.  Tests are showing no signs of a concussion.  Too bad.  I was hoping he’d return as Jason Bourne and bring down Justin Morneau for trying to kill my fantasy teams.

Jeremy Hellickson threw a complete game yesterday giving up one earned run.  Great, tremendous, gremendous!  Hey, Rays, take out an ad in Variety for Hellickson for Rookie of the Year.  The ad can flaunt a quote from Rays beat writer Roger Mooney saying, “Hellickson is the best rookie pitcher I’ve ever seen!”  Rays blogger Jason Collette says, “He’s better than Melissa Leo!”  A Tampa Bay area Hooters waitress, “And he’s a good tipper!”  Last year, Hellickson threw a 155 2/3 innings.  Usual bump from one year to the next for young pitchers is 30 innings.  Back in the preseason, Buddy Holly Joe Maddon said Hellickson would be capped at 180 innings.  That’s probably give or take five innings.  Depending on whether or not Verducci shows up at Hellickson’s final start with disapproving eyes.  Right now, Hellickson is sitting at 164 1/3 innings.  Probably looking at three more starts for Hellickson.  Make sure you keep that in mind in H2H leagues.  Oh, and have a good Labor Day.  I’ll leave you with this quote, “You’re laborers.  You should be laboring.  That’s what you get for not having an education.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Francisco Liriano – Unlikely to pitch again this year.  If only this news came out in March.

Joe Mauer – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer.  Put a note on the Comatose Twins Fan to ‘Do Not Resuscitate.’

Dustin Ackley – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  He’s also hitting .400 over the week.  The Mariners have good reason to be excited, but that’s mostly because The Big FraGu is out for the year.  So much easier than diverting one’s eyes.

Jose Bautista – First to reach 40 homers.  I’ll say my miss on Bautista this year was the ultimate Mr. Bungle move.

Derek Jeter – 2-for-5 with his fifth homer of the year.  Or the sixth lowest homer total of all players with a full season of at-bats.  He’s tied with Maicer Izturis, but Maicer has almost a hundred less ABs.  Jeter reminds me of something.  You’ll never sleep with as many women as you’d like to?  No, random italicized voice.  He reminds how terrible name recognition can be for fantasy baseball.

Alex Rodriguez – Returned over the weekend and hit a homer yesterday.  That’s his 15th homer this year, or how many times he’s openly begged Jeter for his approval.

Ian Kinsler – 3-for-5 with his 25th homer.  Was also his fourth homer in the past 4 games and has 23 steals on the year with only 2 caught stealings.  Sure, the average (.245) is a bit blehtastic, but that could easily be at .270 as he continues to prove the Ranger hitters credo, “If healthy, good.”  So it’s not the snappiest credo, but it’s accurate.

Nelson Cruz – Says he can get back prior to the estimated three weeks.  Cool, that means he can get another injury in before the end of the year.  Take odds, Vegas.  Take odds.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-3 with his 23rd homer as he hits .293.  Imagine he didn’t go through stretches where his manager temporarily benches him because Napoli’s hitting on their daughter.

Dee Gordon – 3-for-5 with his third steal in the three games since he returned.  Mouth on the left side of the screen says, SAG.  Mouth on the right side of the screen says, NOF.  They come together for SAGNOF.

Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Took over Jar-Jar’s spot in the rotation and meesa tinks he’ll stay in the rotation for the better part of the rotation.  He’s still a rookie that could give a solid six inning start, a four inning/four earned run turd or something in the middle like today.  In other words, he’s a’ight for NL-Only leagues.  In other other words, last week I was in my other other Benz.

Brennan Boesch – Done for the year with thumb surgery.  Boesch & Thumb contact rends.

Johan Santana – News has changed once again for Johan.  First, he’s coming back in June.  Then he’s coming back in July.  Wait, he’ll be back, definitely, in August.  Nope, he’s not returning.  Yes, he’ll be back next week.  Or the final week of the season.  Or not at all.  Whatever the Mets say, he’s not worth owning anyway.

Mike Stanton – Left the game with a hamstring injury.  He’s day-to-day.  If everyone wants to sign a card and have me deliver it to him, I’m hiding in the bushes next to his garage.  I mean, get well soon, Mike.  I mean… No, that’s what I meant.  *nervous laughter*

Hanley Ramirez – Has been confirmed that he will have shoulder surgery.  With some hard work and a dedication to being the best, he’ll be ready to go for the start of next season.  So, he won’t be ready.  I’m going to gauge things further this offseason, but I’m almost certainly not going anywhere near him next year.  I try to stay away from players coming off big surgeries, unless I feel like the injury wasn’t something that could linger.  You know, like Morneau this year.  Now I’m done with all players coming off a major injury/surgery.  Show me one player who overperformed coming off a major injury and I’ll show you 25 that didn’t.

Jon Jay – Homered yesterday and 6 for his last 11.  He also expressed his pride for the way the original thirteen colonies bounced back from Hurricane Irene.

Jason Motte – On Saturday, he recorded the save, then on Sunday Salas gave up a run and lost the game.  If you’re a save vulture circling around for some tasty meat to feed on, I’d peck on Motte.

Torii Hunter – Says he might retire after the 2012 season.  This is neither funny nor interesting (which is implying other things I write are, but anyway…), Hunter will almost certainly have a job at a major network as an analyst.

Carlos Carrasco – Might be headed for TJ surgery, which involves a copious amount of tequila and two donkeys.  No, that’s Tijuana surgery.  My bad.

Shelley Duncan – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs, 2 homers and 6 people hospitalized after he high-fived his teammates.

Juan Francisco – 4-for-5 yesterday and homered on Friday.  He’s now started three of four games since he was recalled.  Not mixed league worthy yet, but I got my pet marmoset watching him closely.  I only have so much time.

Sean Marshall – Notched his fourth save as Marmol sat on the bench and thought about what he had done on Saturday.  Ya know, give up a grand slam to Derrek Lee.  Marmol’s still probably the closer, if only to frustrate Cubs fans and his fantasy owners.

Carlos Beltran – 8 for his last 11 as he carries the Giants to a solid 2nd place finish.

Brian Wilson – Threw off the mound on Sunday, but there’s no timetable for his return.  The Giants could opt to shut down Wilson if they fall out of the race, but he seems like the type that would want to return even if the Giants’ playoff chances are remote.  Though I might have a facial hair basis.

Anthony Rizzo – 0-for-3 as he was recalled, with recall being the optimal word considering how he’s played thus far.  I’d be shocked if the Padres don’t find a way to get Jesus Guzman’s bat in the lineup on a consistent basis since he’s batting .337.  Even if the Padres just Mad Lib first base on the lineup card, Blanks will probably be filled in the most with Rizzo’s promotion.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-4, now hitting near .350 over the last week with two homers and two steals.  Right now, Dexter is murdering the ball.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 8 Ks vs. the Astros.  Crazy the lineup of Jordan Schafer, Paredes, Martinez, Bogus..etc. didn’t give him a harder time.  The team Ed Wade’s Toupee put together would have a hard time beating the Little League Champions two out of three games.

Neil Walker – 1-for-4 with his 12th homer.  Member when he was good?  In like April.  Ah, yeah, good times.

Alex Presley – 2-for-5 with a steal.  Now 10 for his last 18 with a homer and two steals.  He’s been so hot Pirate cameramen have been asked to only film him from the waist up.

Anibal Sanchez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Due to an umpire call, the game is under review.  A fan interfered with a Pence double, which was overturned with instant replay.  Charlie Manuel then argued that there’s no such cotton-pickin’ thing as instant replay and the moon is made of green cheese.  We’ll await the MLB’s Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations Joe Torre’s decision.  I’d say it’s pretty likely the call is overturned and the game resumes with Torre’s final verdict being, “Hey, whatever gets more middle relievers in the game.”

Sounds like Ike Davis is done for the year.  He could be facing microfracture ankle surgery.  Man, will the Mets ever catch a big break?  First, Beltran had microfracture surgery on his knee, and now Davis.  What’s with the Mets and tiny surgery?  Can’t the Mets find a normal-sized doctor?  Microsurgery is the 101 class if you’re going to be a surgeon.  Macrosurgery is the 102 class.  That’s a little known fact — literally!   For fantasy purposes, just think, now you have more room on your DL.  You’re welcome.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  That’s one for the Brandon Beachy Memoirs.  Now if only he’d stop looking up his cousin’s dress.

Dan Uggla – 1-for-4 with his 10th home run.  I’ll take bets that he gets to 25 home runs, but not that he gets to .230.  Anyone want some action?  I’m not talking betting action.  Come here and sit on Uncle Grey’s lap.

Jose Bautista – Hit his 22nd home run.  See, my gentle prodding of his miserable June paid off for his owners.  Now I will return to my Bautista dormancy where I am an RA.

Jo-Jo Reyes – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  He’s such a peg boy!

Shaun Marcum – Left the game after reaggravating his hip and his owners.  He says he’ll be fine for his next start.  We’ll see.  Or not.  Your choice.

Travis Wood – Sent down to Triple-A.  All they have to do is send down Votto and Bruce and their AAA club will be the better team.

Joel Hanrahan – Got his 20th save yesterday, which is a feat because he pitches for the Pirates.  It usually takes until end of August before they have 20 saves as a team.  Hanrahanananananan’s ERA/WHIP is 1.31/0.96 and he has 30 Ks in 34 IP.   Sorry, Mr. Peralta, but you’re looking at the best reliever named Joel in the majors!

Kevin Correia – Got his 9th win of the year – making him the most successful Pirate this year outside of the Somali coast.

Neftali Feliz – 2/3 IP, 4 ER and his 4th blown save.  Now has 19 Ks to 15 walks in 28 innings.  He’s not getting replaced any time soon, but something is up with him.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see another DL stint from him this summer.

Adrian Gonzalez – Hitting .359 on the year and he went 4-for-4 against his old team.  Who’s your Padre, San Diego!?

Clayton Richard – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks in Fenway.  That’s exactly what Vegas projected for Richard.  Oh, wait, they projected 1 inning, 5 runs, 10 baserunners.

Albert Pujols – Love this ESPN title yesterday, “Pujols Feels Healthy Aside From Fracture.”  Yeah, and Willie McGee felt beautiful except for his face.

Jorge Posada – Hit his 7th home run– Psych!  I’m not talking about him because then I’ll gonna get inundated with catcher questions.  “No, thank you,” says Grey as he splashes on his Drakkar.

Freddy Garcia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Here’s something bonkers.  On Rudy’s AL-Only team, his staff is Hellickson, Hughes, Garcia, Coke, Britton, Fister and Baker.  Has a 3.58 ERA / 1.27 WHIP.  If you drafted that staff in the beginning of the year with high hopes, I’d say you were just high.  Goes to show you, no one knows anything, William Goldman.

Torii Hunter – Double I left yesterday’s game after crashing into the wall.  He has bruised ribs.  The wall has a strained oblique.

Ryan Vogelsong – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Now has a 1.73 ERA.  Last year Colby Lewis returned from Japan with great results.  This year it’s Vogelsong.  Konichiwa, Fausto Carmona!

Ty Wigginton – On Monday morning, I said Wigginton hit a home run on Sunday and now his over/under for the week is 3.  Yesterday, he hit two home runs.  Still taking the under?

Erik Bedard – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I have no doubts of his ability if he stays healthy.  However, that ‘if’ is the size of the car that was used to take Shirley Hemphill and Fred Berry to the set.

Jonny Gomes – Hit a home run yesterday.  That’s all you need to know.  He gets about as crazy hot as Wigginton when he’s going right.  Has 9 homers now.  Might have 16 before he goes cold again.  I added him in any daily leagues where I could (can’t trust him to play every day for weekly leagues).

Chris Heisey – 3-for-5, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and 3 home runs as he became the 207th player this year to hit 3 homers in a game.  Only a slight exaggeration.  Before this game, he was one for the last week.  I really like Heisey, but in Dusty Baker’s book titled, “OBP Stands For Oh B**** Please,” his 3rd chapter is, “Why Play Three Outfielders When Five Will Do?” says all you need to know about Hesiey.  So unless Dusty goes with a short center fielder it’s hard to own Heisey outside of deep daily leagues where you can move him in and out of the lineup.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Sonavabench!

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks in Metco.  After the game, Gio said he’d love to pitch for the Mets one day or against them every day.

Jake Peavy – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  But at least he wasn’t injured.  Baby steps, Bob, baby steps.

Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Don’t need to see the Zapruder film of all of Kennedy starts to know that he’s not a 2.90 ERA pitcher.  He shouldn’t completely collapse, but c’mon.

Ted Lilly – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  One of the more disappointing guys we own.  In Dodgers Stadium, this guy should have a 3.20-ish ERA.  Then he gets 8 Ks and only walks one yesterday, which isn’t bad…Ugh, he’s pretty unstartable right now.  Lilly, you’ve gilded me for the last time!

Matt Kemp – 3-for-3 and he’s already at 20/20.  Now I see what Rihanna saw in him.  He’s damn sexy!

Jonathan Broxton – Mattingly said Broxton will be the loser when he returns.  Oops, Freudian slip!  Mattingly must be looking through the rear view mirror to see the Broxton of the 1st half of 2010.  I guess it’s true — objects in the rear view mirror are better Closers than they appear.