In the 1700’s, magic meant going into an oven with raw meat and coming out wearing a hamburger as a hat. That magic awed people, even though they had seen an oven and a hamburger before. We’ve seen Thames before, and we’ve seen home runs before, but Eric Thames still feels like magic. He is a modern day beef illusionist. I will call him, David Copperfood. Yesterday, Eric Thames went 3-for-4, 3 runs with his 7th homer, and 15th homer in the last four games, as he hits .405. We go over Thames on the podcast that’s coming later today, but, damn, I wish I owned him everywhere. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ryan Braun – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and his 2nd in as many games. Yeah, okay, but what about Thames?!
Jett Bandy – 3-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .321. Fun fact! Jett Bandy was conceived during the airplane scene of Almost Famous.
John Lackey – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.00. What a schmohawk. Schmohawkey? In honor of Tax Day, I’m writing off this start.
Marcus Semien – Will have right wrist surgery and miss at least two months. I bet Semien returns with one of the strongest left hands. Semien is having a screw placed in his wrist, as if his name wasn’t on the nose enough. “I call this the Semien screw,” that’s Semien trying his hand at being a bartender. Let me guess, Semien’s telling people he’s going to be laid up. Geez with this guy. I can’t imagine not having my wrist for two months. If a Forrest Gump-like feather falls on him the wrong way, Semien is going to explode. This is a tough blow for Semien, and suddenly a very easy blow for Semien’s girlfriend. There’s no winning for him either, because if Semien starts going by Marcus Ailin’, he would’ve hurt his wrist Heisman’ing OJ looking for a character reference.
Kendall Graveman – Hit the DL with a shoulder strain. Damn, that’s Graveman indeed. My ‘fun meter’ for Graveman and Finnegan in the first week of the season turned into a ‘fret menu.’
Jharel Cotton – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.40. Not a ton has changed in my mind from the preseason for him. Cotton’s gonna be up and down. I sound like I’m describing a wedgie.
Sam Dyson – Hit the Disgraceful List. Too bad, so sad. I like how the Rangers are like, “Yeah, man, Dyson’s our closer, he’s awesome, I don’t want to hurt his confidence, wow, so he’s been struggling but how about those grounders he’s inducing? Pretty cool, huh?” Then they DL him with a phantom injury. Such a joke. I could’ve told them two weeks ago Dyson shouldn’t be their closer. A service dog could’ve told them Dyson shouldn’t be closing. For saves, the Rangers said they’re going with Matt Bush. For him to be removed from the role, he’d have to practically kill someone. Matt Bush’s entrance music should be him yelling, “I’m Matt f**ing Bush,” over metal. Sam “Inellamakesya” Dyson is not as catchy, but a valuable lesson to not be cavalier with undercooked chicken.
A.J. Griffin – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.11. Just like no one outside of Alfredo Jettucine’s family drew it up.
Joe Ross – Could start on Wednesday. The WHERE ARE YOU NOW?! song has been a little too appropriate for Ross so far. Seriously, where has he been?
Martin Prado – 1-for-3 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him Your Lineup” Department said, “I bought my bae a Prado. It’s a Prada they sell out the back of a Nissan Sentra trunk.”
Christian Yelich – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .250. He’s hit for more power earlier on than I expected but the season is long like high school that Yelich is still going to.
Robinson Cano – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. In this game, Nelson Cruz (1-for-4) also went deep with his 2nd homer. Uh-oh, you guys better act fast if you wanna sell them for fifty cents on the dollar!
Ariel Miranda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.06. Serious question, what’s the difference between Miranda and Cotton? For fantasy, I’m not talking Sex in the City.
Taylor Motter – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Fine! You got me! He’s a hot schmotato!
Seth Lugo – Will begin throwing today. Tomorrow, he will say, “Dr. James Andrews, do you have a late-April appointment open?”
Gregory Polanco – Still out with groin discomfort. If he just needs looser gotchies, I’m gonna be mad.
Ivan Nova – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.25. He threw only 78 pitches in a losing Complete Game. Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first time this happened this year and maybe ever, but the guy in charge of this sorta thing is counting holes in the tiled ceiling and super OCD.
Kolten Wong – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .167. Random Prediction Alert! Wong will be traded, and, it may not be this year or next year, but when he is, he will blossom into a star.
Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.12. Me yesterday, “Love that I took veterans in my NFBC league! High-five yourself, Grey!” Ten minutes later, “Oh, Jesus with John Lackey.”
Carlos Correa – Didn’t start yesterday after saying there would be a 99% chance he would play. Hope he played the longshot.
Charlie Morton – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.81. *sees Morton’s ERA, sees Lackey’s ERA* What did I have against Charlie Morton again? Kidding, eff Charlie Morton! That salty bastard!
Jesse Chavez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.24. He was always my favorite from ‘NSYNC.
Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 10 Ks, ERA at 1.96. At first, it looked like it might be bad Rayineda (lots of walks early), but then good Pinedray showed up!
Jake Lamb – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. You’ve been a baaaaaaahd boy!
A.J. Pollock – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .250, raising his average up from .196 the previous day. Pollock just has to stick to spraying shots around the field like some abstract painting.
David Peralta – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs. Get hot you sumsabeach!
Rich Hill – Hit the DL with a middle finger blister. I’m sure some of his fantasy owners have a middle finger they would give him.
Matt Kemp – Likely to be activated on Wednesday. Kemper fi! The fi’s short for finally, in this case.
Jaime Garcia – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.67. The Stream-o-Nator loved this start, but I got cold feet. Should’ve streamed him and put on socks.
Freddie Freeman – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer; this was his first 3-RBI game. For comparison’s sake, Yangervis Solarte (1-for-5, 1 RBI) has 11 RBIs to Freeman’s 6. Pretty irrelevant point I’m making, but here I am making it! Irrelevance is but a word we use a dictionary to define.
Austin Hedges – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I should’ve stayed with Hedges over d’Arnaud. Stop picking the catcher scab!
Danny Salazar – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA 3.57. Member when everyone was scared off him in Spring Training? Feels so long ago, right? So long ago, I can’t remember if it was Salazar or Carrasco or both.
Derek Holland – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.32. Line’s a bit misleading. He looked much worse.
Todd Frazier – Has been out with the flu. He said, “Do Argentinian chimney sweepers sing chimichurri chimichurri chimmmi churr-eee?” I think Frazier might be on the ‘Tussin.
Matt Holliday – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Here’s what the last two years of my life have felt like, “Holliday homered? I’m gonna grab him!” Two weeks later, “Holliday hasn’t done anything, I’m gonna drop him!” Granted, I’ve condensed down all of my non-Holliday life.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Only four? He feels like he hits four homers a game. Someone get this guy the key to the city and a meeting with Blasio!
Jordan Montgomery – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.22. Okay, I’ll look at him again. He had a 8.5 K/9 in Double-A, that usually doesn’t equate to a near-10 K/9 in the majors. He has a 92 MPH fastball with iffy control, that doesn’t usually equate to a 1-something ERA. Maybe he surprises hitters for a week or two, but this is going to come crashing down at some point. He did okay yesterday, fo’sho. It was against the White Sox. And it wasn’t even the White Sox ‘good’ lineup!
Blake Snell – 5 IP, 1 ER (3 unearned), 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.76. Snell looks like the best four and a third-inning pitcher. He’s like the Caucasian Oliver Perez. I will call him Cousin Oliver.
Eduardo Rodriguez – Out on paternity leave. He got there a little late to see the birth of his baby boy because his wife gave birth at a hospital that is trying out Rob Manfred’s new birth clock.
Andrew Benintendi – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .314. “Hey, that’s my pi!” said Prospector Ralph as he licked a pie tin with Benintendi’s photo under the whipped cream.
Steven Wright – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 8.36. Outside of a drubbing vs. the Orioles, Wright hasn’t been as bad as his ERA seems to indicate. It’s merely okay. Or sung, “Merely, merely, merely, merely, Wright is but a stream.”
