[brid autoplay=”true” video=”1384447″ player=”13959″ title=”2023 Fantasy Football Keepers” duration=”151″ description=”It’s the Razzball 2023 Fantasy Football Keepers 0:23 Drake London 1:03 Rashod Bateman 1:38 Aaron Jones ” uploaddate=”2023-08-17″ thumbnailurl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/snapshot/1384447_th_64de8524ea05d_1692304676.jpg” image=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/snapshot/1384447_sd_64de8524ea05d_1692304676.jpg” contenturl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/sd/1384447.mp4″ width=”480″ height=”270″]

Julio Rodriguez is effervescent. Julio Rodriguez is a can of seltzer that is baseball-flavored. Like Home Depot, he’s got electric tools. Figured go with the dad metaphor vs. like a raver with a glow stick down their pants, he’s got electric tools. It stinks he’s behind the West Coast PST iron curtain. Everyone sees the East Coast games, and West Coast games are only usually seen by the West Coast, as most are asleep on the East Coast. Don’t even get me started with the PST bias. “Hey, are you around at 9 AM for a call?” “Sure.” Then invariably you get woken at 6 AM. “Oh, I figured you knew it was EST.” EST was a cult showcased in The Americans, and is a cult for everyone who thinks there’s only one time zone. Screw your time zones! Wow, that went far afield of Julio Rodriguez. Okay, bringing it back: He went 5-for-5 with 5 RBIs and his 20th homer. He’s hitting .269, and he was a triple short of the cycle. Speaking of short, it was a short schedule yesterday: Julio Rodriguez for 2024 fantasy? Where does he go? He won’t go as high again as this year, and that will make him a steal wherever it is. Speaking of steals, he was caught for the ninth time yesterday and picked off. Usually I ignore that, but I wonder if the Mariners might curb his enthusiasm. Either way, he’s pretttttttay, pretttttttay good. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cal Raleigh – 1-for-1 and his 22nd homer, and, like, his 45th homer since I dropped him in July. I am a very dumb person. Damn it! You’d think someone this self-aware about their own dumbness would be more careful about making dumb mistakes. Alas! You’d be wrong!

Cade Marlowe – 2-for-3, 2 runs, and his 3rd steal, hitting .293. BBC should pick up the series, Marlowe and Mountcastle, for another season. Just have to know what kind of crime is going to happen in that sleepy British seaside town! Any hoo! Marlowe, besides solving crime by just paying attention to the one town weirdo every season, has joined the Mariners with a hot bat and it’s not cooling off. Two homers and three steals in only 58 ABs.

George Kirby – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.23. If this wasn’t a short schedule day, I wouldn’t have even mentioned this shart–start.

Matt Brash – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.40, and his 4th save. This is because Andres Munoz was wildly overused the other day, and doesn’t say anything other than the M’s have a clear handcuff, like Wonder Woman.

Nelson Velazquez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in two games and 4th homer in the last six games. Wow, he’s on a next level hot schmotato run. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s here now, and you can consider him a pick up for a hot bat.

Carlos Hernandez – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.47, and his 3rd blown save. Unless you’re in a league that counts blown saves as a positive, I fail to C-Her reason.

Angel Zerpa – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 6.08. Fun fact! Zerpa had a brother who only talked by honking a horn.

Tommy Pham – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .264. It’s truly wild that the DBacks went out and got Pham at the deadline, and Real World/Road Rules’ Torey Luvollo slotted him right in as their three-hole hitter, which caused them to lose, like, 10 of 14 and he’s sticking with Pham. Not that Pham’s been awful (I don’t want to get slapped), but a three-hole hitter? Let’s not just be dumb for dumb’s sake.

Gabriel Moreno – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Fantasy Baseballer who’s been in a coma since March, “What’s up, my main homies? Can’t wait to see how the team is doing! I still can’t believe I was able to get Moreno and Alejandro Kirk! I must be sitting pretty! Also, how’s Alek Manoah, Jeffrey Springs and Joe Ryan? Am I killing it or what? Why’s everyone tiptoeing out of my hospital room?”

Zac Gallen – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.17. The sham press won’t tell you Zac Gallen is an ace. What else won’t they tell us? That Arizona isn’t a state but a series of Tilted Kilts smushed together? Hmm, we shall see what happens to me after I tell people the truth. Hashtag, Grey said it!

Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.60. So, the Dodgers can fix anyone right, right, right, right? Okay, so if they can polish turds, then imagine if they had someone like Corbin Burnes (7 IP< 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.43). They’d have a 30-2/1.30/0.65/370 in 240 IP pitcher–Oh my God! I just realized something! No wonder Kershaw’s never left the Dodgers! On another team, he’s Alek Manoah.

Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners (zero walks), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.71. If I may, frequent commenter, Toolshed (by the way, I don’t take this as much of a compliment for Corbin, more of an indictment of Cristian Javier):

Chris Sale – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.50. It’s so funny the Red Sox are in the playoff hunt. They have like 75% of one starter. Streamonator loved this Sale start, but you have to take it with a grain of salt with a guy who can’t throw more than 70 pitches.

Luis Urias – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, a grand slam. Yeah, but he was pinch-hit for later in the game, so it shows you that Alex Cora likes him about as much as Verdugo.

Rafael Devers – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. More like Rafael Delivers! (A Red Sox fan sneers, because Devers struck out in the 9th with two key runs on 2nd and 3rd).

Triston Casas – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 20th homer. Dojo mojo Casas! Okay, now I want him to stop so he’s not overpriced next year, but I also know most have moved onto fantasy football — buy our fantasy football tools! They’re Streamonator but for football. Thank you for your patronage.

Andrew Kittredge – Activated from the IL after having Tommy John surgery last year. The Rays are keeping Big Tommy John in business.

Wander Franco – Being reported that it is unlikely Wander Franco will ever play again in MLB. Will reserve judgment for when it’s confirmed, but this is just sad in every conceivable way.

Nolan Gorman – Hit the IL with a lower back strain. Ooh, so sad–Where’s Masyn Winn?! They called up Richie Palacios? Oh poo!

Adam Wainwright – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 8.42. Someone please let this guy win two games! C’mon!

Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer. Serious question: Tyler O’Neill is sitting there at pick 175, do you grab him? 200? 250? Last pick of a draft?

Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.03. Quintana made the smart call of coming back so late in the year that he had no time to be caught up in the Regression Fairies’ games.

Tim Locastro – 1-for-1 and his 1st homer. We want mo’Castro!

Pete Alonso – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 37th homer. Albombso!

Mark Vientos – Hit the IL with wrist tendonitis. He was reaching for the Mets jersey, when the jersey became, he said later, “Possessed by Satan himself.” The jersey asked, “You want to be on the Mets?” Then screamed, “Well, then enjoy!” And the jersey wrapped around his wrist and hurt him.

Abraham Almonte – Rejoined the Mets, but said, “What’s this I’m hearing about possessed jerseys?”